She's keeping the baby

My heart is with you. When we first made the decision to approach adoption, it was in a situation similar to yours: a "friend of a friend" was considering making an adoption plan. We went as far as contacting an attorney (no fees were sent, though), sent a letter to the mother, and found out that she had decided to parent after much familial influence. That experience, though, set us on a path to do what we needed to do and commit to adoption as a way to form our family. And here we are, two years later, with our two beloved sons (E, 18 months, and Q, who is snoring in his bouncy seat next to me as I write :) ). We have been blessed beyond words that G and D chose us to become parents to the two most incredible children ever. We never really know why things happen the way they do. I wish you strength and peace.

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. Even though you never saw this angel -I know she was already growing in your heart. All I can say is keep praying, trust in God, and know somewhere out there is your little angel...Don't give up!!! I know the heartache and pain...If you ask God He will give you the strength you need to go on everyday...Its hard to protect your heart. Instantly we accept these angels into our hearts..and God will help you through this painful time. I hope you will find peace and be blessed with an angel soon....

It was like a lost pregnancy to you. The same feelings, the same hurt. I don't have words to make your pain go away but hope that you will continue to consider adoption in your future. It takes a strong heart to keep going but if you truly want a child in your life, don't give up. We have to continue to be strong. Maybe this situation was laid on you to make you consider adoption most seriously. And maybe there is a baby (or older child) either being born right now somewhere in this world that really needs you. Keep yourself up and your doors open. Someone is waiting for you. Josie

First, be good to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve the end of this future. Not THE future. Just this one. Then, examine your heart and decide. It is hard to get 'back on the horse'. It's not impossible. People do go on to parent another child. Our very good friends did. They decided "OK, well this is the worst there is, and we lived through it, so we might as well keep on going." They did, and their son did indeed come (though every other failed connection was a girl!). If it is in your heart to pursue another domestic adoption, first speak with your attorney. In some states, they can help connect expectant and potential adoptive parents. In others they are limited in their capacity. So, hang in. Don't beat yourself up over 'what went wrong' with this 'perfect' connection - sometimes things just happen, but everything happens for a reason. Take care, Regina

Hi Lizzy, I left you a heartfelt message which got lost in the "glitch" - and there were others after mine - so know that you have received more support than is showing. First let me tell you how very sorry I am. Having been through several failed pregnancies I know what it is to love, and dream, and have hopes and plans for a future which will not be. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time to feel and release the deep sadness. Be very kind to yourself. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Right now just let yourself grieve and heal. Perhaps this experience has opened your eyes and your heart to the possibility of adoption. Once you have healed some you will be in a better position to decide if adoption is something you want to pursue. Many adoptive families have had failed placements. Some decide to continue on; others decide it is too painful. There are adoption agencies which specialize in "low-risk" adoptions - meaning adoptions are not done until the TPR is completed. This may be something to consider later on. Whatever you decide will be what is right for you and your family. It sounds like you are in a great deal of pain. Be gentle with yourself. Let your grief out. In time you will be ready to make a decision which is right for you. I am saying a prayer for you. Hugs,Christie

We were matched with a ** flew to meet her and her family, go to her appts , etc, had the baby for 3 weeks, she changed her mind twice during that time. we were out so much money and were emotionally drained. we did end up adopting very shortly after that, but the whole experience was so traumatic that we couldn't enjoy it because we were so gaurded. I love my son dearly, and know that he is the child that God meant for me to have. but, darn it I am still ticked off 15 months later!!!!! michelle

Thank you so much for being kind. Thank you, dear moderators, too, for allowing me to avoid the meanness by deleting those comments. To those I offended with my verbiage, I am very sorry. I don't know the lingo yet, and I was desperately seeking some comfort from others who understand. I sincerely, say, however, that I am sorry if the way I expressed myself opened some sort of wound for you. It is true, I have experienced the worst of it (well, it would be the worst if we took her home), and I WILL survive. Maybe this will help me to be more open to actively pursuing adoption. My heart is full of gratitude for the many kindnesses shown me here. And thank you for your prayers. God bless you.LT

LT,I am so sorry to hear she decided to parent. I know how much that hurts. We had the same thing happen to us almost three years ago. In our case it was a family member who came to us. I told myself the whole time even if she decided to parent,I could still see the baby. Boy,was that harder on us. She came to us when she was only 10 weeks pregnant and decided to parent the day the baby was born. It was a long pregnancy. LOL. I think most of the posters are right,you need time to grieve. I wish I would have known about this site years ago. Thanks to the support here DH and I are finally ready to try again. Don't give up hope.

Lizzy, it is an emotional beating to take, for sure, but trust me when I say that when your baby finds you, it will still have been worth it. I know those sound like hollow words right now, but spoken with the best intentions. We too brought a baby boy home with us, only to have to return him a month later when his parents decided to get back together and parent him. It was very painful and heartbreaking, although we did not blame them for their decision. Two months later we met another couple who we spent much time with over the course of their pregnancy and who we ultimately experienced the birth of our daughter with. We now have a wonderful open adoption with two amazing birthparents, who even babysit for us on occasion. It can work, you just need to give yourself time to grieve and then get back up on that horse. I wish you the very best. Simone

I sent a post the other day, but it got lost. I am so sorry for what you've been through. We went through 2 failed adoptions in 6 weeks, and we know what you are feeling. It is hard to get back on the horse, but it is possible with time. I'm so determined to have another child that I don't think anything will stop me-but it is painful, too. We grieved so hard for our two babies, but remembering how it felt to hold them and love them, I'm willing to keep trying for the baby that is meant to be ours. Maybe an agency that works with lower risks is a good direction for you. It will certainly guard your heart more, though many will tell you, you do have to have thick skin to survive the road to adoption! I wanted to say, too, maybe this girl will change her mind again. I don't say that to get your hopes up or to hurt your feelings. A lot of agencies will tell you that some women do change their minds. Since she still has several months to go, it is possible. Please take care I'll pray for you. Michelle

Simone, if you don't mind, can I ask what you did to get through your loss? I had to return my daughter to the agency on Tuesday, and I don't know if I can stand the heartbreak. Thanks, Char

Either would I. I think its hard. If you are asking me, I say, if they want you to have thier baby, they will contact you, Lizzy. Otherwise, take some time for yourself and then try to move forward.

So sorry to hear about your failed adoption. I know how it feels since we went through it twice. The first time we were contacted by a young unwed pbm who was an acquaintance of my younger sister. The baby was biracial and she did not want her family to know about the pregnancy.The pbm was due in 2 weeks! We rushed around getting everything ready. I went through labor and delivery with her, even cut the cord! I held the baby boy and told him the name we had chosen for him. When he was 4 hrs old (due to family influence) she changed her mind. I was devastated! It felt as though I had given birth and my baby had died. I was angry and I did grieve. But, I did not give up. In time we were handed a 6 wk old biracial baby girl. We had her for 3 months. Bparents were seperated. They got back togeather and took her back. Again, I was angry and I grieved. Eventually we decided to become foster parents. We now have 4 adopted children. The first two were older children ages 14 and 15. The 14yr old had a baby girl when she came to us whom we adopted after we adopted the bmom. My bson is 34 my baby is 4 years old now. We waited 30 years for that "perfect" baby girl but she was worth every heartache and tear that was shed during those years of waiting. In Nov of last year we adopted an 18 yr old foster son who has Autisim. So as you can see, time does heal the wound and if you choose to you could still hold that precious angel in your arms someday. I wish you all the luck in the world and my prayers are with you. Adopted3 (actually 4 now) Michelle 12/6/2002 Alyssa 4/8/ 2003 Jennifer 5/28/2004 Tommy 11/13/06 :grouphug: (our 4 blessings)

I am sorry for your loss. I am happy that the birth mom came to her senses. I have never understood how a woman could give up her own child. Beyond anything I can comprehend it is! I cannot imagine a child growing up adopted and not knowing who or where you came from. Grieve for something that is tangible, never for something that was never yours to begin with. Again I feel your pain. I know it is harsh and I mean no ill to your family. I only know what I have gained through my experience through this experience. You always know that the ** can and do change their minds. When it is right, it will be there for you. Just never give up the faith and hope. Much love..

Have you adopted or been adopted? Are you aganist the process all together?