Giving up.

Okay so I have been thinking a lot lately, about how much I actually do to parent her and how I feel it is unbalanced in terms of split parenting and when I expressed how exhausting it is to devote so much time and energy to parenting her because she requires much more supervision than we initially thought, I get a comment like, depends on how much you want to have control overӔ or something like that as if to hint that there are too many aspects in her life that I do control right now, but I was quick to point out that most of what has to be monitored wasnt anything I came up with on a whim but rather that she had done something to create a situation that required parental intervention. I do believe there is a stark contrast between what I wonҒt allow and what he will allow. There needs to be some balance, rather what has ended up happening is that he has rescinded control or even partial control of any parenting that I feel strongly about and then I take over and then end up feeling resentful that I have so much of the responsibility. Maybe if he saw just how much I do in terms of parenting her then he would understand but in that scenario, what would end up happening is that he would allow her to do whatever she wanted without regard to the consequences. Then she would resent me further for not being as lax as he is. She would be thrilled to get away with whatever she wants. And besides, what does that do in terms of her attachment disorder, doesnt that contradict everything we have read, learned, or been taught? On another note, I am getting tired of being treated like dirt by her and when I try to share my frustrations, I usually get ignored or get a comment that doesnҒt help the situation at all. Its like taking in a homeless significant other, marrying them, giving them everything you have, trying to help them get on their feet, driving them to work, buying things for them that they need and spoiling them with gifts, spending time with them, only to get the door slammed in your face, not even for doing them any wrong, but because they forgot something or they made a mistake, they take it out on you, somehow every mistake they make is your fault. You get to be the brunt of all the trauma, rage, anger, entitlement issues, selfishness, etc. They just take and take and never lift a finger to give anything back in return and they are only nice when they want something. HowҒs that relationship going to end? It is any wonder I am at my wits end? On another note, about commitment, how can you have commitment that is one sided? She is not making any effort to grow and become a part of the family. In my defense I had no idea it would turn out like this. I firmly believe that I do not have what it takes to be HER parent or whatever the heck she needs. I dont have it! Wrong family! There was reason God never allowed me to have children. Maybe this is one of those examples of better left alone. I donҒt even have any business being married, with all my problems. Its a miracle weҒve made it this far. Who was I kidding when I thought I actually had enough love in my heart to help a child in need? What a joke. I know that the desire was definitely there to want to help someone. When I do something nice for someone and they appreciate it, its the best feeling in the world to know I made that persons day. I love making other people feel good, I love seeing the surprise on their face when itҒs not expected. I guess thats what I hoping for her and for a female relationship too. But little did I know that attachment disordered kids donҒt have the capacity to reciprocate. That has been the biggest let down in my life. I get so frustrated when she takes her problems out on me. It really burns me inside. I hate getting blamed for her problems. I hate getting the door slammed in my face, I hate getting an attitude whenever I ask her to do something or stop doing something. For now I will wallow in my self-pity of being inadequate as mother and wife, and I will not do one more single thing for her. NOTHING. And that will not change until other people want it to change. If she is happy without my interference, then fine. If he is happy taking on the job, and dealing with the consequences of whatever parenting choice he makes, the good for him, then he is a better parent than I will ever be. I just cant believe that he would say I was being controlling, what am I supposed to do, I thought we were on the same page on every parenting decision weҒve made with her this far. He has never disagreed with me on anything. I would like to know what he would have done or how he would have reacted had he received the same calls from the school that I got and I had to end up dealing with. And now he says he wants to get vasectomy! Wow! The very next day after I said I hated being a parent. Coincidence? Hardly. Weve been together for 10 years, if he didnҒt want kids, he would have gotten a vasectomy years ago. It sounds more like hes given up on me being the wife and parent heҒd hoped for. Like hes finally given up on me. I think a part of him did want kids when we met but since he knew I didnҒt pretended he didnt want to either. So adoption was the compromise. I didnҒt have to get pregnant, and we couldnt afford for me to stay home from work, the cost of daycare would have used up my entire income making it pointless to continue working. Adopting an older child who was already half way to adulthood seemed like a nice idea at the time. Plus, we adopted a girl, so I could have some female companionship. What a joke. Companionship? Really? How naүve was I?