Struggling with openness in adoption #2

First, congratulations on your new addition! What stands out for me in your post is the mention of substance abuse. Understand that a woman who uses during pregnancy - especially late in pregnancy - is likely deep in the throes of addiction. It's one thing to use before you realize you're pregnant, then stop. It's another to use late in pregnancy. Addicts (and I say this from personal experience) can be very manipulative, dishonest, controlling, self-focused individuals. They're very good at getting what they need, and use every tactic they can think of. On top of it, this woman is still experiencing postpartum hormonal changes, a very tough time. So here's what I recommend: Set very firm, unyieling limits. Do not do anything 'just this once' no matter how critical the situation may seem. Utilities being turned off? Getting evicted? In jail and can't make bond? These are the choices addicts make. You don't need to be angry or negative about it. Instead be detached. "I'm sorry to hear that's happened. What are you going to do to solve that? Oh, we're not able to send anything now, sorry." Keep communicating, but it's OK to say "I'm happy to talk with you about how things are going, and how "Ann" is doing. She's just started to roll over, isn't that neat?" Understand that once she (and bdad if he's also using) realizes that you're not going to 'help' her anymore (and it may get ugly before she realizes this), she may not be in as frequent contact as you experience with your older child's bmom. Do make sure you keep up your agreements - send pictures, etc. Also keep in contact with your child's extended family, absolutely. Whatever you do, don't give up. Be patient, firm, set those boundaries and keep them. It's OK to say no visits if you're high - we will turn around and leave or ask you to go. It's OK to say let's ease up on visits since every time you come you're so upset about other things that you can't seem to enjoy spending time with us. Addicts can and do get clean (again, personal experience), though it's heartbreaking when they don't. Remember though that one day - think in 6 or 7 years - your child may very well need the relationship you're nurturing now. It's very easy in early childhood to discount the value of the relationship vs. the work because in this period of life, you really are meeting all your child's physicial, emotional, social and financial needs. So it comes as a bit of a shock (and a quandry for some) years later when that's no longer true. Best of luck, Regina

ESS it's good that the first adoption went well. but when drugs are involved with the bmom and bdad they are just selfish people. i don't believe that they deserve anything from you except pictures. they are probably going to be high when they visit don't allow. you don't have to. you adopted this child to give him/her a good family and foundation this women is just trouble. let her figure out her own problems they don't relate to the adoption, like she needs extra counseling etc. she just knows that you feel sorry for her. as a bmom myself i never asked my daughters mom for help in anyway and would'nt. she took on the responsibilty of raising and loving my child. it doesn't seem right to take anything away from your child and give it to the bmom such as money. she should want you to give the best to her child and if she's trying to manipulate you she isn't. don't give in to her.

Boundaries, Boundaries, boundaries. It does sound as though the birthmom is dealing with addiction. Might I suggest you look on the Al-non website? There are some good articles about setting boundaries. [url]http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/[/url] I would ask yourself, "Am I allowing the birthparents to behave in ways I would not tolerate from other family members?" In other words, keep the same standards of safety and personal integrity that you would with other family members. Do you allow someone in your family to keep asking you for assistance? Would you allow a family member to be with your child if they had been using? Making allowances for differences in family culture or grieving is different than making allowances if someone is using. Don't do the latter. (I hope this makes sense. I have been up half the night with a sunburn. :( )

what you can do is meet with the bio mom in a public place. my aunt was a drinker and she wasnt allowed around her grandchildren unless it was in a public place like a park or a mcdonalds. and that really worked out well.

[font=Comic Sans MS]I would talk to the adoption agency and your lawyer again. I don't think you owe anything to the Bparents. The only thing they should get are photo's and update's on the health and well being of a child. If theye were really concerned for their child they would not be asking you for money. Watch out for scam artist. They make money off you and they careless about the child. If they were interested in the child they would figure out a way to get clean and help themselves. You aren't responsible for the Bparents. God bless you. [/font]

Thanks for the replies. Right now I'm still grappling with the basics of our contact. We have sent many pics already and have exchanged a few emails. I just don't feel ready to talk on the phone. Bmom has called a bunch of times and I have not felt emotionally up to returning her calls. This feels bad to me... Its not like me to ignore someone. But I just don't know what to say exactly. I am fine with telling her about the baby, how and baby's doing, health, etc. But I am dreading her request(s) which I know will come with the call and I agree totally about the need for boundaries. Its exactly what I think I am struggling with so much. How to set them, maintain them, etc. Anyway, thanks again for the thoughts and support.

You have received great advice here and I have somewhat of an idea what you are going through just a little different on my end. But the phone calls and "requesting" makes it very hard to build a relationship. Boundaries need to be set and it is going to be difficult to do, but it is something that needs to be done early. When we get phone calls, they "beat around the bush" about needing money for this and that, but I just listen and then share about their daughter and what we have been doing. It is very hard for me, for I will help anyone when asked, but when it is "expected", I have a hard time with it. If and when you do make that phone call, just remain firm with them and if they ask for something, just let them know that you are unable to provide like you have been in the past for them. You know you can contact me anytime and we can talk, so never hesitate to do that :) and I will look for you online sometime and we will chat. TerriAMom to 2