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Hi Everyone, I have just registered as it is almost 2 a.m. and I just can't sleep. My daughter was adopted almost 11 years ago. Her adoption was a very positive one. I could not have dreamed of better parents for her, so good, trustworthy and kind. Losing her was truly and still is the worst thing that could have happened to me. Today, I am "happily" married with a second child about to turn 2. Shortly after the birth of my second daughter, I was diagnosed with ppd and prescribed anti-depressants. I recently finished my treatment and do feel "normal" again. Unfortunately, I also feel the void that was there before my second child. Somehow while under anti-depressants, I don't believe I ever thought of my first born. But almost two years later, here I am, unable to spleep and crying like the day I had to relinquish her to her adoptive parents. It almost feels like I am making up for two years of crying I didn't do. I am just so heart broken and angry at myself for having "forgotten" about her these past two years. I miss the numbness of the anti-depressants. They took away all the pain. I miss my daughter and can't believe she is now almost 11 y.o. I look at my 2 y.o. and realize what I missed out. I now know the pain will never go away, despite the therapies, another child, etc. I just don't know how to cope with it. Please tell me how to make it go away. Please.
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The pain may not fully go away, but with the right therapy I do believe you can find ways to cope and be happy. You owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to do this. If you need help finding a good therapist, pm me.
The grief that results from losing a child to adoption is what they call complicated grieving. Trauma as well as ambiguous loss is often involved and grieving does not follow the same course as normal grief. Just because it is complicated does not mean it is impossible to deal with, but it often requires a therapist who is able to understand the complexity of the loss.
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So suck it up, stop thinking of yourself, thank God that your child has a shot at a really great life (I do exactly that) and move on with your life.
I did not feel bullied by Doesitmatter and thank you kindly for being so considerate and respectful, Healingfeeling. :) I understand that my decision was a deliberate one, a choice of my own for the exact same reasons you mentioned, Doesitmatter. I just was not expecting this new life of mine to bring such painful memories so vividly. I still don't know how I survived it all in the first place. My second child looks so much like my first, it just brings so much pain (and joy, of course) to me. I welcome everyone's opinion, as it is what I asked for, particularly that of a birth father. If you don't mind, Doesitmatter, I would love to hear your story. I am also dealing with issues with regard to the birth father of my first daughter and your perspective and feelings could shed some light and help me understand why things happened the way they did for me and maybe help me let go of some of the anger I have for him. I have never met a birth father so this one issue has always been an opened wound for me. Again, thank you both for taking the time. :)
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Brenda is right, it is a complicated pain and I would not wish it on anyone. Some days I am fine and others I am very angry or depressed. I just try to be grateful for what I do have - although even that is hard to manage somedays. I am very kind to myself on bad days and often realise that the pain is compounded with tiredness.
You will find on this site that you are not alone. We do care about one another. Therapy is helpful and if your therapist agrees you may need antidepressants also. I recomend that they be prescribed and monitored by a phychiatrist rather than a G.P. They are more familiar with the meds and are more tuned into changes that may need to be made. It is their specialty. There is nothing shameful about seeing a specialist. I wish you all the best. You deserve to be able to enjoy being a mom to this second child. They don't stay little for long!
I now know the pain will never go away, despite the therapies, another child, etc. I just don't know how to cope with it. Please tell me how to make it go away. Please.
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I know. been there. sometimes you just have to take it a minute a time until you have the strength to take it a day at a time and so on.You have my biggest HUG yet. I hear you and mourn with you, even though my daughter and I are reunited.Even after the reunion, I have sad days thinking about the past and have to mentally poke myself to "smarten up".You're not near the "smarten up" phase, you just have to be kind to yourself and take it a tiny tiny bit at a time.dmca
Hello, I too, know well the pain you speak of. I lived with it for 21 years until I reunited with my bdaughter. The only thing I can tell you is that the pain stays, it dimishes, but it will probably stay. You must learn to cope. I know it may seem impossible to you right now, that every thing seems like a great effort, but really, it's about coping, about greiving, about understanding that this grief is not like a death, but it feels like it is, but we know our children are still alive. Bromachiuck said it well, its complicated grieving, but the loss is complex. I have spent a year in counseling - it has helped tremendously and I only wish I could have had the opportunity years ago to have a therapist, who understands adoption (that's key) and have worked through my losses and sadness and pain. So, take it from this bmom, find a counselor you trust, who understands adoption and start talking. You need to do this. If there are none in your area, then search this site, I know there are counselors who do it via phone or internet. Put the word out - let this place help you. Big hugs to you, fellow birthmom, you are not alone. S.
Hi,Try to be a little easier on yourself. I know that is hard, but it sounds as if you are ready to crucify yourself because you "forgot" your daughter for 2 years. Well you didn't forget her! You had too much to deal with at the time and God only gives us what we can handle. You had to start fixing yourself in order to deal with the pain.The pain is never going to go away, but it will become easier to deal with. I gave my son away almost 23 years ago and believe me I have beat myself up many times during those years because I "forgot" his birthday, or even his name. How could I have forgotten either of those things?!!! It's called LIFE. Our lives go on despite the extreme pain and suffering we endure. I spent 6 years in counseling and took antidepressants. Yes, the medicine helped, but the therapy did even more. I couldn't have made it through without both though and think you should give therapy a try.I wish you the best of luck and try to have some peace knowing that although it will never go away completely the pain will have less of a hold on you as time goes by.
Dear herbirthmom,You haven't been back since July and I'm wondering how things are going for you. It was 33 years from the time I placed D until we reunited. My personal experience has been that the pain comes and goes; some times are harder than others. Birthdays have always been difficult times (he was born on my 21st birthday.) I was surprised by grief for the lost years recently (Sept. 6 to be exact) when I held D's newborn son for the first time. Please don't beat yourself up because you didn't think about your daughter for 2 years. I suspect the pain was always part of the depression. The best gift you can give your daughter is to be as healthy as you can. Love the child you are raising and don't feel guilty about it. Focus on the current tasks. Work at forgiving yourself. If you are seeing a counselor, you may need to try a different one. It may take time to find the right one for you. I think of the pain like a wound. It heals over time. (The counseling. etc helps to make sure the infection is gone.) Eventually there is scar tissue. The scar is always there, but it fades over time. When it's fresh, everytime you bump it it hurts a lot, gradually, as it heals, it doesn't hurt as much. You may forget it's there, but when you catch sight of the scar you will remember. I hope you will post again and let us know how you are doing.
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