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Adoptees from closed adoption including myself (born in 1955) have experienced unresolved/delayed grieving- for many this is unexpected or comes as a shock or tidal wave when it hits- sometime usually in teen years or adult life. When you think that our REALITY was that we WERE orphaned and did not have primary caregivers for a time. In my experience my adoptive parents were WONDERFUL sharing that I was adopted and chosen- but no one gave me "permission" or encouraged me to explore or verbalize all my mixed feelings/questions about my adoption.
We can observe how they promote all this bonding stuff from the minute the babies are born and enter the world sometimes with soft music, soft lighting, etc. For many of us, sadly they did not know how to help any babies to make gentle entries into the world and obviously we did not have a "mom" or gentle caregiver bonding to us as a non- adopted baby would have. I do know that some birth moms from closed adoptions did get to hold their babies but there was often limitations. But the close bonding was often limited or non-existent with babies who were put up for adoption. And babies must sense this lack of security, groundedness, and safe comfort. And for those of us who were not adopted for awhile or transitioned one or more times- it is even more that our reality was that our world was shifting sand.
Oh, how difficult to comprehend those thoughts and truth for the first time when olcer- but then again for me it was SO FREEING! To know where my insecurity originated and where my fear of changes, and resistance to my husbands job changes, my depression in college came from when my adoptive parents moved 1,000 miles away.(hit me like a tidal wave!) YES, a painful journey through the truth- but when you also know that God was watching over us and that He never left us or abandoned us and lovingly watched over us that is so awesome to comprehend! It DOES draw one closer to our heavenly Father, Creator, Sustainer, Protector, Gentle Shepherd, Redeemer and Friend!
I don't share these things so adoptive parents or birth parents will be alarmed and feel any guilt or remorse- for separation does cause these emotions in the baby- even though they did not remember the memory by picture- but their emotional reality felt it. AND THIS is what surfaces when other losses come into our lives- a memory of those first buried losses. It makes me sad that there is not more education on this for adoptees from closed adoptions- for when I went through it I could not understand why ME, an adult in their college years and then again in my late 30's, 40's was coping so poorly with change/loss/separations!! Persons in general do not like change and resist loss/separation, but adoptees have an extra layer of this making it more intense to the emotions.
It IS AMAZING to me that some persons still believe that babies have no memories and are totally resiliant. We do bounce but there are scars and memories/unresolved loss and things that impact our personality and the ways in which we cope and handle emotions, relationships. I always felt some degree of guardedness and a sense that the "other shoe would drop" If someone left me before- wouldn't that happen again?? Understandably though when you think these infant adoptees DID have constant change and shifting sand and some numerous or changing caregivers.
I recommend 3 books byJohn Bowlby, British Psychoanalyst
(not adoption books but great for reading on early losses
1. Loss (Sadness and Depression)
2. Separation (Anxiety and Anger)
3. Attachment
Also his excellent books-
The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds ( my copy of this book is underlined on most pages!), Secure Base ( not as easy a read but good)
You can order them from you library or inner library loan to save money or seek them online by going to
[url]www.bookfinder.com[/url] for the cheapest online fees
May God flood each adoptee with His peace and assurance of His presence. And I pray that God will give adoptive parents wisdom on how to be emotionally present and supportive during the adoptee's journey.And like me, I pray you all will reframe this whole lonely experience of orphanhood and what you truly went through as a baby with the awesome knowledge that God lovingly 'hovered" over you- He WAS not absent- but there everyday of your existence. How comforting and wonderful to know!
Hugs to fellow adoptees, Jody ;)
PS. Though I have published a journal for the adoption triad- I have always wanted to publish a newsletter/journal for adoptees only- including how adoptees lives have intersected and been touched by adoptive parents/birth parents- but focusing foremost on the adoptee's experience. Have others wanted to read stories from the adoptee's vantagepoint and encouraging others to identity in Christ, His hope and healing? Would love feedback-thanks!
Adoptees' Cafe- Devotions for Adopted Persons
[url]www.adopteescafe.blogspot.com[/url]
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Thank you Shef for your helpful comments. What you said about the frozen baby inside is so true. I'm sorry you've also suffered from that sense of loss but glad that God is healing you. It is good to know that He understands. This is one of the problems I have had. I have no doubt that He can heal us, but struggle sometimes to believe that He wants to. I think this is because people sometimes tell us to "get on with it" perhaps not realising the extent of our pain. I then mistake that as being God's view. What you and Jody have said is very comforting. Many thanks.
Blessings,
Peggysue
Thanks Peggy Sue for sharing. Often we mistake how God sees us and views us for we compare him with people. He is all loving and we are precious in His sight. We need to cling to the promises of scripture and the knowledge that He unconditionally loves us. Human love is always imperfect and can be selfish with strings attached. But God's love reaches past our human error. We may not understand His ways for God's word says "His thoughts are higher than our thoughts" Trust Him with your healing journey and know that He is compassionate and caring, our Gentle Shepherd. He allows things in our lives but weaves the gold and dark threads into something beautiful in His perfect timing. He turns ashes into beauty and mourning into joy. We just have to trust Him by faith, not by sight and know He is truth.
Here is a favorite bible verse of mine that gives us the true Hope of what God can do when we trust Him.
"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."Isaiah 61:3.
Thanks Jody for your reply and encouragement. It is good to know that God understands and cares. So often I have felt guilty for feeling low, which only adds to the overall hurt and isolation. Now I think (as you have said) that it is okay to be sad. Other people's lack of understanding belongs to them not us!
I've not yet searched for my birth family. Those of you who have found them - does it help alleviate the sense of grief and loss?
Peggysue
Hi Peggy sue.
I have to admit that when i serched and found my bmother, I had no idea about how much healing I needed inside of me. I was very unaware and had not asked God into this area as I did not know i needed too, or how to do that. I did not know I had deep pockets of grief, that had never been dealth with. So when i met my family, it did not alleviate things at first, but actaully when my foster motehr died, that is when the grief came to the surface and it was complicated.....
I do beleive it alleviated some sense of grief, that of not ever knowing or seeing my mother..but just meetin gher did not take it all away or the loss....in fact it made me have to start facing a lot of loss...becasue in meetin gher i realsied waht ihad lost.....for me its been a diffiuclt journey in healing..becsue its been complicated greiving so i hav ebeen told....but the main thing is I am learning to ask God into it, and to give him my sadness, or the loss and my expectations of how i wanted things to be....
shef
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Hi Shef,
Thank you for your reply and helping me understand the issues more clearly. I think I was being naive in thinking that meeting my bmother would alleviate the sense of loss and unworthiness I feel. I'm praying about searching for her as I want to know that God is in it. I have never thought about how life would have been with her (and without my adopted parents) but I have wished that I had been born into my adoptive family and not had the feelings of desolation and pain arising from my loss of birth mother and the gap between birth and adoption.
I'm sorry you have suffered such loss, especially that of your foster mother. I can understand how losing her can bring to the surface the loss of your bmother. You have had a difficult journey haven't you, but it sounds as if God is healing and helping you through this. I'm praying for you, and your trust in God is very encouraging to me.
Thank you.
Peggysue
Hi Everyone,
Regarding the issue of delayed grieving and loss, I'm feeling it acutely at the moment and the reasons seem so silly. My husband left years ago and I am now divorced and childless. I hate being on my own but God has promised me a husband. He has told me that it would involve a wait and this is hard, although I believe the waiting time is coming to an end. Everytime a Christian man of appropriate age joins the church I get my hopes up and as soon as he even talks to another woman I feel rejected; how could he possibly look at me when there are other more attractive women available? I think part of this lack of value is to do with my separation from my bmother, rather than reality.
I am blessed with great friends and a wonderful church; it is in the areas of adoption and lack of husband where I feel the pain. However a relative misunderstood this and suggested that I move to live near them. This would be an immense wrench as I would be leaving close Christian friends with whom I have shared my life (and theirs) for nearly twenty years. Although it may not happen, my sense of loss is immense.
Yesterday I shared the possible move with a close friend and church elder. I also went to a funeral and was comforting my best friend who was deeply bereaved. Having shared such deep emotions with my friends yesterday I miss not having them to speak to today. It was also yesterday that a couple of unattached guys were showing attention to others not me. Today I have felt lonely, abandoned and worthless. I could have gone out but have felt so desolate I could not even get washed and dressed. It was like a baby craving attention, getting it briefly and then feeling abandoned again. The worse thing is that I'm struggling to find God in it.
I hope you don't mind me sharing this; I find it so hard when I am alone and most people don't understand.
Peggysue
Hi Everyone,
Today is my birthday and I am finding that, for the first time in my life really, I am thinking through what happened to me 56 years ago, when I was taken from my birth mother and put into care. I feel it is a form of grieving which I need to go through to come out the other end. As I had my quiet time with God today and read Psalm 139, it struck me how important verses 13-16 are for all of us on this site. We are special, created by God, no matter what are earthly circumstances are.
I want to say a very big THANK YOU to God, Jody and everyone else who posts on these threads. It is wonderful to correspond with others who understand the sort of loss I feel. Friends and family are loving but they just don't get it. You do. Thank you and God bless you:thanks: .
Peggysue
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Peggy Sue, Your feelings are real and so very common with adult adoptees. We lived a reality of being separated from our birth mothers and fathers and family and heritage and those imprints are left on us. Because many of grew up in the closed adoption era- many of us did not verbalize our feelings openly or were not encouraged to explore and process these crucial issues in our emotional development. And yes, if we were did not have the opportunity to grieve and mourn in the past, it just stays buried under the surface, but pushes to come up (like a beach ball one tries to hold under water- but eventually it pops up to the surface, refusing to be denied.
Peggy Sue - When I was processing all this early (relinquishment) grieving over 10 years ago, I went on a reading journey to learn about the psychology of infants. That was very helpful for me. I read books such as The Primal Wound ( which I appreciated for growing up no one told me I should have any mixed emotions about adoption) That book is controversial but many adoptees from closed adoption feel acknowledged in reading it for they are aware of feelings/emotions that have followed them and were unresolved. My adoption search and reunion journey with my birth sisters helped me in this delayed grieving. I may have mentioned these books before by John Bowlby - British psycholanalyst
Attachment and Loss, Separation: Anxiety and Grief. He has also written books "The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds, and Secure Base. All good books on thie impact of loss, separation on infants/children and attachment issues.
PeggySue, You are just having a very delayed grieving for no one recognized this need or reality in adoptees. Many adoptees issues can be triggered with other losses in their lives or embarking on adoption search for birth family or reunions or being found by birth family.
Hang in there and hold on to Hope. God is faithful and he will always be with you. Grieving is hard work and paingful but there is a rainbow on the other side- I am living proor! Thanks for sharing- you would be amazed how many adoptees share your feelings, sentiments and how you are navigating these feelings .
Blessings, Jody MOreen
Belated Happy Birthday PeggySue, I wish I could bake you a lovely cake!
Blessings, Jody Moreen
Hi Everyone,
As I write it is midnight, here in the UK, on the 31st December and I want to wish everyone a happy and blessed New Year, and pray that during 2007 we know God's love and healing from the painful memories we suffer.:flowergift:
Jody, thanks for your very kind and helpful reply to my previous post. I have bought John Bowlby's book on Loss and already have Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound. I know it is controversial but I think it identifies the pain I feel, even if it places its origin in a different aspect of my early life than where I would place it. Either way it is due to pre-adoption experiences and separation from bmother.
It was a relief to know that others share similar feelings. (Not that I want others to go through this grief, but if they are doing so then knowing I'm not the only one, and having mutual support with those who understand, helps immensely.) None of my immediate circle of friends/family were adopted and often do not understand why I feel so low and seemingly unimportant things hurt a great deal. A very dear friend, who is also one of my Church Elders, has advised me to forget the past. His intentions are good, but I feel that if I follow his advise I would be closing the door on the healing process. (Thankfully he would only advise not insist therefore I am not disobeying the church leadership by pursuing my adoption journey.)
I definitely identify with the closed adoption scenario. It was assumed that as I was now with a new loving family all would be okay. And it was - from then on, but the damage was already done and was not dealt with. Your analogy of a beach ball was very helpful. That is exactly how I feel; it will surface no matter how you try to keep it down. (This is my answer to my friend - the pain isn't just in the past it is now!) And I don't want to keep it down; I would rather go through it and come out the other end. As long as I do come out, and from what you say I will, as you have done. Having that hope makes it bearable. The same friend, when praying for me recently, was shown a picture by the Holy Spirit of a wound which had become infected. Antiseptic was being applied to the wound and it stung. I think the implication was that God was applying the antiseptic and the wound would heal, although it hurts now. Maybe these feelings are the wound.
Does anyone else find that their present friendships are affected by their early loss? I introduced two people and am now insanely jealous of their friendship feeling that I have been left out and replaced. As if I had been thrown away (images of abortion came to mind). Am I nuts? I'm behaving like a teenager in my fifties! But the rage inside is intense although my rational self says it is based on a lie! If I can identify these feelings with the past then it makes the current situation a lot easier and I can see how irrational I am being. Unfortunately it usually takes a while for me to see that the pain relates to the delayed grieving and not the current situation. I wish I could find a short cut!
Thanks for the offer of a cake Jody. If you were able to bake one I would cut it up and share it with those of you on this site! :cake:
Blessings
Peggysue