adoption question

Stacy, It may not be much consolation, if any, but the fact that bdad IS doing nothing will NOT look good for him when it DOES go to court. I can also tell you that our atty NEVER volunteers information...we always have to go asking about anything! So they may not be sitting and making you wait but actually waiting for you to ask. I know how you all feel about having no resolution, no deadline, etc. It SUCKS knwoing how much you love your child but may not get to keep them.

You would think since the biological fathers are doing nothing, then this could be final adoption. Putting a child's life on hold is just unthinkable. Bottom line if they wanted these children so badly it should not take months or years to do something. I am still searching for answers trying to understand how or why this can happen. I just wonder how many cases are out there like ours. How can you explain to a child that he/she may be taken away? My heart just breaks for these children. I just wish someone out there could help us...I am glad to have this forum where you can actually find hopeful adoptive parents and share in the risk of adoption. I will keep on praying for all of you guys...Hopefully this will end soon -and we can have the peace we so much deserve!

Can anyone give me any idea about attorney fees we will need to deal with a contested adoption? It's a long story that I have pm's Stacey about but not ready to share yet. Just would like some idea about what we are facing financially. I KNOW what we are facing emotionally. Every day. It is tearing us apart. Jo

Jo, It's probably gonna really depend on how long it goes on. I think our atty fees by the 1st trial were 21,000 and another 9K for the appeal and it's NOT over yet. I didn't know you were going thru this... :grouphug:

Our attorney fees so far are close to $9,000.00- and now we are at a standstill...Seeing if the birth father will make an attempt to push for his rights. Its so hard with paying our mortgage, along with our other bills, and taking financial responsibility of the baby. Add the attorney fees and this is just so unfair. We even had to put out money for his dna testing. That was around Christmas time, which really hurt us. Being a working middle class family its not easy to afford an attorney. But what are we to do? Yet this guy has not put out one dime for anything! Its just unbelievable..

Thanks, Stacy. I think we all have to be very, very strong, continue to pray and hold each other up and know that we can hold our heads up because we love our children . . . and that's what REAL parents do. Josie

You are correct when saying that is what REAL parents do. I have posted on a few other boards, and have received plenty of Adoption Attorney's to contact. Its so hard because we are still paying on the attorney we are using. I just don't know what to do. Our attorney is family law and has done adoptions, but a lot of people seem to think we should go with an Adoption Attorney. I have been trying to get somewhere looking on the forums or on the internet. I just cannot give up! I am just so happy this forum is available to let our feelings out. I think sometimes we need that. If anyone knows what we are going through its the hopeful couples on this board. I kept trying to understand how or why someone would want to do this. I just cannot make sense out of any of it. While I can only imagine how hard a decision of giving up your child for adoption can be. I would expect for this to have been over within the first month if not sooner. You want your baby you do whatever it takes to get the baby. You don't allow this to go on and just put this angel on hold. All I feel is this is a control issue. Clearly something should have been done on his part way before this time. Its terrifying not knowing what this guy is going to do next. I just have faith in God. Playing with a couple's emotions and promising to sign off then not doing it, then promising open adoption then changing your mind. This is not a game. I just don't understand how anyone can do this - This baby is our whole world..and the scariest part is this guy holds the key to our future..

Stacy, life is not fair could not be more true. Please continue to hold on. It sounds like the longer you go and he does nothing (including paying support) does NOTHING for his case. The longer it goes, the better your chances in terms of the best interest of the child. I can't help you as to an attorney. I've called many and got many different responses. If you get antsy and need to do that, maybe you should. It costs nothing to state your case. What is anyone telling you at this point? PM me at any time if you need to. In the interim, you are in my thoughts and prayers and so are each and every family and baby going through this right now. Josie

Thats the thing calling different lawyers each one gives a different answer. So what are you supposed to do. It seems like there are no set laws. Every situation is different and to me that just does not make any sense. That is the most frustrating part. In Maryland there is an abandonment law of one year, but I am not sure if my case would go by that or not. I just keep holding onto faith that this is our angel and everything will be okay.....

Hi Josie, My contested adoption I guess is on the high end. We have paid so much for so long that I don't even know the total figure yet - plus it is not yet over so we have more court fees to come. In the last four years I will estimate 50k. But this includes the following: A developmental psychologist to evaluate our son, our son's pediatrician, a child psychiatrist to evaluate our son and our family, a family and individual counselor. All had to see us several times (self-pay), provide reports for the court, and we had to pay court fees - the judge would not allow ANY of them to testify and we paid a small fortune for them to stand in the hallway for hours. All were to testify on our behalf - none were allowed to. We also had a number of consultation fees for other attorneys and specialists. For the first part of the contested adoption we paid our attorney 20k. We also had the specialists, etc. After I fired him we began a new phase with a new attorney and paid him each month (that was more than my rent payment each month - in the thousands). I am guessing we have exceeded 50k at this point (and that is probably on the low end). Now, having said that, let me also add that the birthmom has NEVER TO THIS DAY asked how our son is doing - AND she was in juvy and could not have taken him so he would have ended up in foster care. That was another motion filed against us - to have him placed in foster care. Lovely system we have here, huh? As it stands now, if everything were to go perfectly we have two more outstanding motions which we will have to deal with - and that is going to further our expenses. I wish this money could have gone for a better lifestyle for our son - or his college education. We have been financially devastated. I don't see where our son's best interest is being considered - NO ONE has ever asked how he was doing - nor allowed testimony from expert witnesses regarding him - nor considered the financial devastation this places on us which directly afects our son. I wish you the very best of luck. Please feel free to PM me any time. Prayers for you,Christie

I just cannot even believe what you have gone through-It is absolutely ridiculous!! It is 100% truth instead of putting this money out to the attorneys this money could be used on the future of the children!! I just for the life of me cannot understand how this is allowed to go on. In our case I have so many questions..."Where were you the day this baby was born?" "Where have you been for 15 months?" - I just think it is absolutely heartless. Our physician and the court investigator both have told us they will go to court on our side, and yet they would probably not even be allowed in the court room. Doesn't the judge take attachment and bonding issues into consideration? This is just like a bad dream-Seeing what other hopeful adoptive couples have gone through just breaks my heart. Where are the timeframes? How can this continue? We are the family of these angels...not strangers!

Unfortunately, Stacey, the "best interest of the children" is not always as important to the judges as it is to us. I've fostered enough children to know how sad that really is, how attachment and bonding issues affect a child for a lifetime. I still think, though, that we must have "faith" and, yes, it is so much a "bad dream" from which it seems like you'll never wake up. Can't fall asleep at nite. Wake up with my head spinning. Play over and over in my head what the end will bring up so that I am prepared. It's doing incredible damage to our family. Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please hang in there -- everyone. Josie

We thought of fostering, but knew we would be so heartbroken if the baby was taken away. Our decision was for adoption. Going into any adoption situation we knew risk were involved, however we thought that after 30 days (in Maryland) that this would be over. How wrong we were. It seems so simple when reading on the adoption procedures, until you actually live it. I know fostering a child you can expect they will do everything to re-unite that child with their biological parents or biological family. We knew we could never prepare ourselves for the heartache of losing a child. The hardest part to understand is why a biological parent would allow this to continue, and to not do nothing and still have their rights. I can't understand why they would want to put a child through months or years of being with a family just to pull them away. I try so hard to think how they feel or what their reasoning is for not signing off, but yet not doing anything, and I just do not get it. :confused:

The biological parent is not thinking of the child, but of themselves. Their immaturity is more an issue than the best interest of the child. I feel that things will go well for you all, this is just something we all have to go through. Maybe to truly cement our relationships with our adopted children. I don't have answers to why. I just know that we need to leave it all on God's altar and let He who loves us and loves our children do what is right. Any biological parent who gives 15 mos. hemming and hawing about their child does not deserve to parent. Parenting is about FULL TIME COMMITMENT. Anyone who doesn't get that should have no rights. How much we all give to our children -- 100% of ourselves and our families and, even though they were not born of our bodies, they are OUR CHILDREN in God's eyes. Stay strong. I so understand all that you say in terms of thinking that after 30 days we thought we should be done with the stress of wondering. It's so constant. Enjoy every moment of your family. We all have many years ahead of us and need to be the best parents possible. And if we continue to hold each other up, we will make it through this. ALL OF YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS. Josie

You are 100% right!! We will continue to hold each other up. Posting on this board does help get out some of our emotions. You are right in God's eyes they are our children...and that is all that counts! Keeping our prayers going everyday....:wings: