Advertisements
I have tried, and am trying to face these diffiuclt challenges to my beleifs, and my very core being.....but am struggling with this issue of when it doesnt work out.
I have read and am part of a great thread and am listening an dlearning as much as possible of how it is/was for bmtothers in the closed era. I have learnt much and value the insight i have gained and the people on it..... It has allowed me to make a choice to be more compassionate toward my bmtother in my thinking. But as most are in reunion i find it hard to be able to be free to talk about the fact and reality of how i feel about the reunion not working out and never will now, and when there seems no real interest of connection from the bfamily....and again I am left....I feel my bmtoehr was great to meet me, but i also feel real anger that she left me waiting again, in the hope she would change her mind and see me or write to me....I was now an adult.....but it didnt happen.
But for me..I now have an understanding and compssion of how she came to give me up etc...and the beginnings of my birth, but what i find hard to deal with is that I searched and found her...and after quite a while she agreed to meet with me...which was a very big thing for her to do....and I do have that, and I am thankful to her for giving me that one meeting...but after that, it really didnt go anywhere. She did not keep the contact up, she didnt answer my letters, and I kept waiting and hoping she would change her mind...but she didnt....and she died without us ever being reconciled......she even said she did not want me at the funeral....last year.
I wondered if there are others who have found that reunion is not everthing they had hoped, and has not deveoped and you are also left....and what feelings have been left in your because of that and how you are dealing with it.
I dont want to dwell in the negative...i just feel quite alone with all of this especailly as I have opportunity to talk to other bmothers who help me and they are in some sort of reunion, but for me that at times is so overwhelmingly sad......and i feel my own loss and i need to go somewhere i can talk about the other side of it without offending or hurting anyone.
Im not sure if I am explaining myself very well, but would appreciate any help in this area from anyone.....i have such mixed ambvialent feelings.
shefalie
Like
Share
I do understand your feelings, your birth mother I can not even try to fathom. I think it to be a sad turn of events what has happened, but who knows what blows in tomorrows wind, who can say. I hope you find solace in the fact that she did meet with you, for that is all you're left with. Are there any half brothers or sisters, if so maybe they may shed more light. If not then you must cling to your loved ones that are at hand, and try to be happy for what you've accomplished in life, all the good that you've done will not go unnoticed, and you will find an answer, someday, somehow. Take care for life is good.
bprice215
Advertisements
thanks Bprice for answering my post.
Its true who knows what the wind will blow.
my mother had a daughter and we met.....but it just isnt to be really, its hard....she was an only child...and finds having me in her life now quite difficult to adjust too, ro to take the time..shes older than I, and qutie set in her ways......there are no absolutes are there in this reunion stuff....
shefalie
Hey Shef,Reunions awaken so many emotions - joyful ones, confusing ones, painful ones, for all involved. I'd posted a buncha stuff about disenfranchised grief in the 'Grieving the death of a birth family member' [url="http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=227249"]http://forums.adoption.com/showthread.php?t=227249[/url] While I recognize that each of our adoption/search/reunion situations are different, the myriad of emotions, including sadness over our losses, are quite common. For me, I'm grappling with understanding in my head all the various reasons, dynamics, circumstances, history, whatever, about my adoption and reunion. But on the other side is the challenge of having enough courage and energy to experience my more painful emotions - emotions that I now realize have been buried all my life. It's all so much to process - it can feel overwhelming at times. But it's great to know that there are others, such as the people on this forum, who can relate. I can relate to your mixed ambivalent feelings and the struggle to face these difficult challenges to your beliefs and core being. I hope that at least knowing that there are others who share similar feelings/experiences helps you in your journey. In the end, I guess all we can do is 'bear witness' and support one another in our journeys/struggles.
Thankyou Ripples for you post and for the information on different grief. I will look at that article. Unresolved grief is not easy to deal with especailly when there is layer upon layer, and it doesnt come out until people have died..and it becomes complicated.
Yes it does get overhwhelming at time and I can realte to that verymuch, and feel taht doing all this later in ones adult life is quite a lot harder as my defence menchanisms that have worked in the past, are no longer working and keeping me healthy.
I am still trying to accept the fact of reality about how my bmother was with me.....and I am not sure I would call it a reunion of sorts.....but I have to find a way to integrate all of this into the whole, but I have a way to go yet.
Its knowing how oether have found ways of doing it so they can sort of draw a line underneath the main parts that atke up our energy and time and thoughts.....in order that i can invest in other things....
shef
Hello Bprice....
I seem to be having some problems today in that my posts from yesterday are not showing up on this thread (I am in the uk) so i dont know why that is, but i did receive in my mail box an indicaiton of yourr eply to me yesterday. So i wanted to say thankyou.
I cant remember all i wrote now..as i dont have it to reveiw....
But I agree about two sides sitting down to bite the bullett, and agree to disagree....or ever to come to aplace of acceptance.
My mothers feelings are hers.....Mine are mine and as much as I have tried to see her point of view...we have not had the time for her to try and listen to mine.....maybe it was enough for her to just know I was ok, and had not spent my whole childhood in an orpahange. Something she seemed concerned about..and am sure that would added a greater burden upon her......an dmaybe it was enough for her to be able to see me once, and for me to listen to her story and her anguish of heart.....I guess this is me trying to write a script in the present that I can settle with...
for we will never be able to together agree to disagree.....as she had died....and all of these converstions I had hoped we might be able to find our way with, never happened..that is why so many things are left unresolved in me.....
I awoke this morning saying out loud...we never had time.......I never had time with you....alone.....I so much wanted just some time with my mother...and yet I am becoming aware....that I too at that time would not have known how to "talk" to her without a lot of anger or bitterness within me.....and her me....now I feel ready or more able to talk and she is not here.......and so I talk to you...and sit with my comptuer writing these words to those of you who will listen and tread the similar roads to a better place of acceptance of what is.........and I hope that the sour tast within my mouth and heart will soon be replaced with something I have not yet experienced.......
shefalie
Advertisements
Especially when we are involved with other people that play such a vital part, because we never asked to be dealt the hand we must now play. There is no judging what these people will or will not do. I do hope you know that I feel what you say because I too have lived that part, fortunately for me it was resolved by my meeting my daughter. I was able to tell her everything I have waited for 23 years to tell her, and she me. Although this is and will be a coutinuing story of unresolved life, at least we are alive, but you are faced with the death of your bmom, that has ended your attempt to gain futher knowledge of your past. That in itself would be very hard to cope with. My words can not help with your situation, and maybe it wasn't meant to, but I am here, and I listen very well. Maybe that is my part. Rest assured you will find what you seek, and given time you will understand. I do know this to be a fact, for it will be your answer to a life long problem that you now face.
bprice215
YOu know...I think that is partly it....there is so much to be said and now no way I can do so.
I have listened to other bmtohers with the aim of trying to glean some understandin gof how it mighthave been for my mtoher back then when she gave me up. What she might have been thinking, and how life might have been for her in teh followin gyears.
I have learnt that to relinquish is no easy matter. It comes with a high cost to all, no matter the circumstances. I have learned that holding anger in my heart, only hurts me, it cannot touch her anymore. I have learned there are some things I will never know, and for those of you who have had time to talk , then use the time wisely......I have learned to listen with my heart.....I have learned that life is not all about me, and about my needs.....I have learned that reunions bring expectations...and an end to fantasy..and tis time to face reality of what is, not what was.......
Yes these were not things i set out to learn, what i wanted to know was...did she ever think about me through they years. Did she think about me after we met with one another, did she like me after she met me..or was her silence to my letters an indication that she was not rejecting the baby i was, but the adult woman I now had become...how do I seperate the two......
What made her say...dont let me come to her funeral for I am not family.....then what was I to her? so many mixed messages....that leaves more questions than answers......
shefalie
shef
YOu know...I think that is partly it....there is so much to be said and now no way I can do so. I have listened to other bmtohers with the aim of trying to glean some understandin gof how it mighthave been for my mtoher back then when she gave me up. What she might have been thinking, and how life might have been for her in teh followin gyears. I have learnt that to relinquish is no easy matter. It comes with a high cost to all, no matter the circumstances. I have learned that holding anger in my heart, only hurts me, it cannot touch her anymore. I have learned there are some things I will never know, and for those of you who have had time to talk , then use the time wisely......I have learned to listen with my heart.....I have learned that life is not all about me, and about my needs.....I have learned that reunions bring expectations...and an end to fantasy..and tis time to face reality of what is, not what was.......Yes these were not things i set out to learn, what i wanted to know was...did she ever think about me through they years. Did she think about me after we met with one another, did she like me after she met me..or was her silence to my letters an indication that she was not rejecting the baby i was, but the adult woman I now had become...how do I seperate the two......What made her say...dont let me come to her funeral for I am not family.....then what was I to her? so many mixed messages....that leaves more questions than answers...... shefalie
Hello Michelle,
thank you so much for wanting to share some of your thoughts and suggestion with me, that is so kind of you...andno you have said nothing that has hurt me.....the pain well......I am not really sure waht can ease that...but knowing people care.....well that goes along way to helping thankyou.
I understand what you say about visiting the grave. She was actually cremated. I have been to the place, it is 6 hourse frive from me, so i hve to plan it......and it ws nice to be there.......but to be honest I dont "feel" anything.....
I have been looking a t a book that talks about how our loved ones ares till with us after death and there are ways to talk or communicate with thme and they us through our imaginations......so i thought i might try that. The difficulty is i dont know where in my imagianation i would see her, cos i only met her once in her space...and she never came into mine......but I must try. I think that is to do with this unresolved grief stuff that is talked about.....so I must find a way of integrating the bits I have...its not good thinking about thew aht ifs ,is it, it just keeps one stuck going round the same mountain.
I am sure my bmother did care about me when i was born.....even though she could not keep me. I am not sure waht the years did to her in that area. For she managed to bury me so deep to forget, to live "as if". I dont how she did that. Can a bmotehr bury soemthing so deep that it almost lost to you and its like as if it never happeend.....
shef
Advertisements
Oh Kitty......how can you be so sure about the love of anotehr person for anotehr being....not all mothers love their babies, that is a fact....so how sure can you be.....not 100 % i know....but if I accept that fully, then i have to accept that love gave me away...and no she didnt make sure i was raised in a good home....she had no idea what happeend to me, if i spent how many years in the orpahange or waht, becasue according toher, when i was taken and she finally returned to her family and bein gthe motehr of her other duaghter etc, she fogot about me in order to go on...that i can see...but she didnt know or ask where I had gone etc.....not until I met her did she know, or have any idea. Afterwards..she never asked me any questions about myself..but she did wirte me once before we met, and said..after she had told me about how it was not an affair, as i had suggested to her.....
she did say perhaps now the true communication can begin...but maybe i messed it all up i don tkn ow...its a hard one to carry really, cos i was in shock about waht she said to me about the ciurcumstances of my birth. she blew me out fo the waters of ll i had been told, and i was not emotioanlly mature or stable enoughto manage it, or know how to process it. I just buried it for years, in order taht i might at last have some contact with her and it wouldnt get in the way...how stupid ofme..of couse it would get in the way......only tolook at me would remind me of him.
But perhaps as a bmother.....she had wanted to be able to carry on or meet me..or soemthing, but found she couldnt deal with it all..it was too hard for her to go there at her age with no help, but she wastn the type to ask for it either.
I think deep down I know she was unable to connect with me after seeing me......and listiening to all of you bmothers here, I can see why. There is so much untold history that i will never have any info on.
I have tried to educate myself as much as possible in this arena inorder to find compasion within me andsome peace. I have found some. but have a way to go yet.
I guess I miss her voice even though i did not have it much. I re-connected briefly, but it was not long enough. I feel I am still left waiting...for soemthing that will for me....ever be.....i must stop waiting and as you have rigtly said.....look for what I nowhave....reframe myself somehow.....still with so man missing gaps though.
How do they get filled or do I ive with holes?
I will post this forum too. Thankyou. shefalie
ok.....I am going to ask a qustion here..if I dont get any bmothrs answering I will post it somewhere else.
I wondered......I met my bmother once. She agreed to meet with me. it was very hard for her and as my story goes she had much trauma becasue of the way i was conceived and the outcomes for her and her marraige and family.
so she never searched for me....doesnt mean to say she ddint think of me.
but as we only met once, and she didnt or couldnt continue to communicate direct with me..i never got to know waht she thought or was thinking other than it was too much for her.
so in her meetin gme the question is: any bmothers could you please try and help me out....of course i know you are not her...but what do you think I gave her by meeting with her. Waht did she get from that one time meeting, Would there have been any comfort to her in seein gme......what would she have gained form just the one time seein gme.?
shef
shef ~ I am a first mom to a 35 year old daughter who I located 3 years ago. She has no desire for any contact with me...isn't even interested in a medical history.
Even though I went into the search knowing that this was the possible outcome, it is still very disappointing. Part of me finds security and peace in the fact that she has had a wonderful life and is strongly bonded to her family, but another part of me just can't put all of the questions to rest.
Does she look like me? Her bio father? Does she love the beach? Is she artistic? What are her favorite foods? Favorite music? The myriad of questions play over and over in my head when I think of her.
If I could have just one meeting with her, just to look in her eyes, see her smile...well, there would be no comparison to the joy that would give me. Seeing that precious little creature as an adult, knowing that her life has been I hoped it would...well, that is about as close as I think I could come to having closure.
When I was younger and the scars were still raw wounds, I comforted myself with the fantasy that one day she and I would meet again...even once would be fine. So many questions...so many things I would like to share...just one meeting would fill in so many blanks.
I can really empathize with you and am sorry you were left in such limbo. Your birth mother's reason may never be clear to you, and that really bites. I wish you the best in coming to a place of peace with your situation. Sorry there isn't something more concrete I can tell you to help...all I can offer is what one meeting would mean to me.
(((Hugs)))
~Deb
Hi Deb,
thankyou for reading my heart, and taking the time to share your thoughts and desires for what it would mean to you to see her once, what you might take away from that.....
Deb, if that does not happen, how will you cope with the not knowing.....how will you learn to live with it and find the peace and rest instead of all the tormenting questions.....tht s one of the issues, finding them we are still left with so many unknowns...and its living with the unknown that screws me up at times.
Plus...i guess maybe mymother was pleased she did get to see me at least once......and that was find ro her, she didnt want anything more....or couldnt go there. For you Deb as you write, your heart has been thinking about her so much....I am not sure mymother could allow herself to do that.....until i turned up on her door mat in the way of a letter...the door had been firmly closed and sealed off...but thats not unusual.
I am sorry your daughter at this time does not and can not embrace you in her life......I hope that will cahnge within time and in her own sitaution with her family...the feeling torn in loyalties may play a part..
shef
Advertisements
Hi Deb,
thankyou for reading my heart, and taking the time to share your thoughts and desires for what it would mean to you to see her once, what you might take away from that.....
Deb, if that does not happen, how will you cope with the not knowing.....how will you learn to live with it and find the peace and rest instead of all the tormenting questions.....tht s one of the issues, finding them we are still left with so many unknowns...and its living with the unknown that screws me up at times.
Plus...i guess maybe mymother was pleased she did get to see me at least once......and that was find ro her, she didnt want anything more....or couldnt go there. For you Deb as you write, your heart has been thinking about her so much....I am not sure mymother could allow herself to do that.....until i turned up on her door mat in the way of a letter...the door had been firmly closed and sealed off...but thats not unusual.
I am sorry your daughter at this time does not and can not embrace you in her life......I hope that will cahnge within time and in her own sitaution with her family...the feeling torn in loyalties may play a part..
shef
Deb, if that does not happen, how will you cope with the not knowing.....how will you learn to live with it and find the peace and rest instead of all the tormenting questions.....
your heart has been thinking about her so much....I am not sure my mother could allow herself to do that.....