Help! Meeting BP for first time

First, relax. OK now stop rolling your eyes. :) These expectant parents are as or more nervous than you, even if they have done this before. Every time, they are frightened of being judged, of being thought of poorly, etc. So here's my thoughts - ask them about themselves - things they like, good movies they've seen lately, interests, etc. Be prepared to share the same about yourselves - your interests, hobbies, things you like about life, good movies you've seen. Treat them as friends. If they wish to talk about the baby they're making this plan for, good. Go with it, but let them lead. If they wish to talk of their other children, great, go with that too. Leave 'hard' questions to your attorney and social worker, as they're the ones being paid to ask them and they're more experienced at it anyway - questions around substance use, family medical history, plans for time @ hospital & placement, etc. There will be time to get all these answers and more should you all feel this is a connection. Mostly, be yourselves. I remember when we were getting ready to meet our son's bfamily, they called an hour and a half before (yikes!). Turns out she was vacuuming so much she was driving everyone crazy so could we please come earlier? After about 5-10 slightly strange minutes we all got on very well, just being us. So, hang in. Relax. Be yourselves. Get to know them as people. Best, Regina

Thank you Regina! Everything you said makes perfect sense! I don't know why I didn't think of that! Another wrinkle is that although my husband and I are working with an agency, this referral did not come through them. And so we don't have an attorney yet and I'm waiting to hear from the agency about what to do. At this point, I don't really need the agency except to do the homestudy, but would appreciate them helping me figure this out. My feeling is that the agency's involvement will end with the homestudy and we'll end up doing an independent adoption after all.

Nicole, I still wouldn't worry about the 'difficult' questions at this stage. You will have an attorney (you'll need one for the legal work) and they can easily get all of this, even without an agency's involvement. Since there are no professionals involved, you do need to make sure you're cautious about certain things: 1. Never talk about money. If they ask for help with living expenses/medical expenses, tell them 'well, we'll all have to take a look at that with our attorney'. Do not commit to anything because you don't know the laws surrounding this. 2. Never give any expectant parent any money directly. Any and all disbursements of funds must go through an attorney. Do not accept 'yeah, but last time the attorney took too long to send us a check' or anything like that. Most attorneys won't send a check directly to an EP unless the EP can prove they already paid. Otherwise, funds go directly to the utility, landlord, mortgage company, etc. Check out the list of expectant parent 'scams' on Precious Kids (google it, it's a 'dot org'). Not a bad thing to keep in mind. Not that these are dishonest people, mind you. The vast majority are not. Since, though, you are going into this without professional assistance, you need to be sure you're as educated as possible. In our case, we had an agency, we did connect with our son's bparents directly. It helped that we had been friends with bmom's parents for five years, so we all knew each other as honorable people who were trustworthy. Still, we had our agency meet separately with his bmom and bdad (required in our state) without us, and made counseling readily available to them. HTH, best Regina

Wow! Thanks for all the great advice! I spoke with an attorney as well as my agency and I think we've got it figured out. Since ** is only 8 wks along, we're going to wait until she's in her 2nd trimester to get everything going. She told me she'd like her maternity clothes and $5k. That was instantly a red flag but when she explained why, I felt a bit better but still told her I'd have to check with our attorney. Apparently with her last pregnancy, she couldn't work past her 5th month and didn't get her job back once the baby arrived. This left her in a financial bind and the agency she worked with didn't give her any support after the adoption. I really don't think she's trying to pull a fast one on us, afterall, 5k isn't going to make anyone rich and she did say she would not accept it until after finalization. It's really just to help her get back on her feet. What bothered me is that she named a price since her rent and medical is already covered. My feeling is that it was just a bad choice of wording. Still, I'm being very cautious and will put everything through the attorney. Thanks so much! If you think of anything else, feel free to email me! Nicole

Nicole, Yeah, that would be a huge red flag for me as well. Remember it's illegal to 'compensate' an expectant parent for placing a child with you so be *very* *very* careful. If she can't make her rent, fine. Have the rent payments sent from your attorney to the landlord. Needs maternity clothes? She provides the attorney with receipts for what she bought and they reimburse on your behalf OR you purchase clothes and provide receipt to attorney for tracking purposes (in many states financial support has to be submitted with legal paperwork). Same with groceries, etc. You can continue in most states with specific financial assistance up through the 8th week postpartum - in other words, 2 months' more rent, utilities, food. After that anything paid could potentially jeopardize the legality of the placement and adoption. If she wants to wait until after placement for reimbursement of expenses, and your attorney clears that, then ask for receipts before any funds are disbursed through your attorney. If they have any issues at all with funds being disbursed this way, seriously consider walking away, as hard as that may seem. Because an ethical situation would not present these kinds of difficulties. I don't mean to scare you, really. I am concerned though, especially with the blanket $ amount mentioned already and in that manner. By the way, it's illegal for an employer to terminate an employee who cannot work because of a legitimate disability - complications of pregnancy being one of them. If a woman who is pregnant is put on bedrest or in other medical care that makes working in her job impossible the employer must either make a reasonable accomidation or place the employee on short term disability until the disability is no longer present. Best, Regina

I also had the big red flag waving over the $5k. Prior to our match with our daughter's birthmom, we had a "match" with someone we later learned was scamming us. She was asking for only a small amount of money (as in a couple of hundred to help with rent). We thought the same thing... it's not very much, if she was really scamming she'd be asking for big bucks. Wrong. Come to find out, we weren't the only people being asked for a "little" money. This may be a completely legitimate situation, but having had my heart broken in our circumstance, may I just caution you to be careful and pay attention to the little things that may not seem right? I wish we would have. Having said that, it is good to postpone anything until at least the second trimester. Also, remember that even if you legally assist with her food, rent, etc., she is under NO obligation to place her child with you after the birth. It's a very good idea to determine ahead of time just what you are willling to risk in this area, knowing that there's no guarantee. I do hope for your sake that this situation is nothing like ours was. I don't mean to be a bummer, just read your post and felt I needed to share from my "learning the hard way."