older child adoption?

I'd like to hear about experiences, as well -- we're very interested in a girl who's 12.

My husband and I recently finalized on our 5 yr old and 8 yr old daughters.I would say ours is one of the better experiences (from what I have heard) but it definitely isn't all 'rosey'The 8yr old was the one that we were 'warned' about she was having major problems in school, dancing on desks, calling out, acting out, etc. She is actually doing extremely well and the majority of issues we have had with her are very much age appropriate. We do have food issues (binging, hording, sneaking) due to the biomom not feeding.The 5 yr old was termed as an 'easy going, well mannered child' Well after she was in our home we found out about her diagnosises which included ODD, anxious attachment, possible depression, etc. We are still working with therapists - and bi-polar will probably be added to that. Some of the issues we have dealt with are daily tantrums (rages), that can be as frequent as 3 a day lasting over an hour. She will often need to be in a 'safety' hold for that entire time. We have also had stealing, urination issues, agressiveness towards peers, etc.Both girls are in weekly therapy, the yr old also has monthly med checks. The 8 yr old has horrible teeth (due to nutrition issues) and we are at the dentist about every 45 days.HTHDiane

Be prepared for major attachment issues, especially if the child has had more than one placement after leaving bio family. I had a 14 yo with attachment issues; honeymoon lasted for a couple of weeks. Then, it was acting out in school; cutting; some destruction. You may want to start looking for an attachment therapist.

Wow -- that all sounds pretty horrible. I thought the original poster wanted to know about positive experiences -- or are those about the most positive things you can expect? Does *anyone* have a good story to tell?

we adopted a 5 yo a little over a year ago. He is adjusting very well. Before we adopted him, he had lived with distant relatives that he thought was his mom and dad for 3 years, before that he had pretty much been neglected. When he first came we were warned that he wandered the house at night, had bipolar, attachment disorders, etc..Thankfully, as soon as we took him off his bipolar medication, he hasn't had any night terrors, he sleeps all night, doesn't wet the bed any more. Basically he is a normal 6 yo. He does seem to have minor issues with attachment and gets hyper occassionally. When he first came to live with us, anytime i had to leave, he would go beserk but after a few months, he realized that i always came back. Now the only issues, i really see is that he could possibly have ADHD and then again it could be related to his early infancy neglect. When i discipline him, he will ask "do you like me anymore?" of which once i reassure him that i will always love him, i just didn't like his behavior, he's fine. I'm trying to be honest and not gloss it over but i also don't won't you thinking that he has all this problems because i actually think it is sooo much better than i expected. I think each child will be different. My experiences is that MY child needs a little more reassurance that he is loved no matter what he may/may not do but other than that he has adjusted and seems to blend in with the family very well. Oh and i almost forgot, we did learn that he may suffer from FAS due to the bmother drinking/drugs during the pregnancy but that too can be overcome/dealt with. He is extremely bright, it just takes him a bit longer to remember his alphabet and numbers. He taught himself, with very little help from us, how to ride a bike, swim, etc... it about one day. I think alot of older children that have dealt with neglect kick into survival mode. They have basically had to fend for themselves and it takes a little while for them to realize that you want to do things for him. I was told when he was 2 if he was hungry he would go to the fridge and make his own sandwich, etc.

I know I've answered on the 'disruption board' about your questions; but I felt the need to answer here too. I think....there have to be some successes in older child adoptions. But, I also think those 'successes' have come through the hard work and determination of the adoptive parents working with a child that wants to change, to be better, to trust, to love, etc. And.....those 'successes' come to the family---very often---in tiny steps. Literally, all of the families that we have known, and continue to know who have adopted older children (even toddlers) have said that their experiences were nothing as they expected. Meaning, it was not all they had hoped for. But....the 'successes' they have found....they have looked for, although minimal to others, have been good for them. WLD (above poster) gives a good account in stating the small but significant ways their child has adapted. These steps are important; but they did not come about without the work that WLD put into it, or the work the child decided to do. The saddest part I have seen in older child adoptions, is when couples feel that adopting older, means that they can have a 'normal' family. Most of the time, this isn't so. That isn't to say that you might---eventually---have a normal kid; but like WLD, it has taken time for this child to do better. And, it's also not to say that once a child seems to do really well, they won't backslide on some issues you'd never thought possible. But, does that happen with birth children or infant adoptions? Sure. It's just that the infant adoptions give the couple a chance to bond to a core, 'innocent' child...and that memory of 'what that child was' can literally carry you a long way when your older child becomes something you'd never have thought possible. (Hope that makes sense.) But.....those little steps. Those little but significant improvements........are oftentimes worth every moment of work---so I'm told. And, I believe it. You just have to know that your risks of having problems are greater with older children. You're opening yourself up to more problems, more possibilities. It just takes more work. Lots of work; but if you feel you are up to the challenges, and you feel your'e being led to do so, it's the route to go. Sincerely, Linny

Success is kind of an 'in the eyes of the beholder thing' I am chatting on IM with the girls firstmom right now. She is looking at pictures from the last 14 months (when they were placed), and she just commented on how healthy and happy they look now, compared to before. Some major successes - S completed 2nd grade with NO discipline issues at school (she had daily problems in 1st grade), she is in a normal class, with excellant grades. S is currently performing in a community play of Annie Get Your Gun - She is in the chorus for it and it doing great. She also is active w/ Brownies and church. C is getting ready for Kindergarten, what will happen there is to be seen but we are going into it prepared and she is going into a 'normal' class (she was in a preschool for children with emotional problems)

Hi! Almost three years ago we adopted a 4 and 6 year old (hispanic-we are caucasian) brother and sister through the state. My hubby and I are older, 46 and 48, with no previous children. We're both fulltime public school teachers. Anyway, it's been a fantastic experience for us and we are now hoping to adopt one or two more kids. Of course there are challenges, but nothing we can't handle and in some ways I truly believe kids with my familiy's DNA might have been more difficult to raise. Although our two can be manipulative, and at times we have had trouble with lying and stealing (just worthless junk stuff-- but it's still somewhat disturbing) overal,l they are little sweethearts. IMPORTANT-We made it very clear to social services that we did not want kids with ANY aggressive tendencies. We were flexible on age, race and gender but insisted that the kids be sweet and able to form attachments. Please let me know if you need any guidance in your exciting, life altering journey. Janice

We adopted a sibling group ages 2, 5, and 10 two years ago. It has been a wonderful experience. There are hard moments, and without a doubt we have needed counseling and supports for the girls. My oldest daughter is and A student, her teachers always tell me what a wonderful, sweet child she is. My middle daughter is smart, and funny. She has some anger issues, and struggles with believing she will really stay forever in this family. She has some major tantrums usually lasting about 30 minutes. They have also gone from a couple times a week to a couple every few months. She has been in trouble at school, but never to the extent of going to a principal's office. She works with a counselor and is finally beginning to talk about her feelings. She can be very affectionate and insightful. My in-laws are impressed by the steps she is making towards being more free with her affection toward them. Unless you knew her really well, you'd never suspect the difficulties she had in her first 5 years. My youngest daughter has had some struggles, partly with feeling secure. For a while she didn't want me out of her sight. She has required occupational therapy, and counseling. She recently moved from a special ed. Pre-K room to a regular room. Academically is ahead of the other pre-K kids. She is an active little girl who loves gymnastics, her friends, and her famlies. It is harder to parent children adopted at older ages. There is no doubt that struggles will occur, and the kids have lots of pain. I absolutely would do it again in a heartbeat. My daughters are some of the biggest blessing in my life.

Hi, We are in the foster-to adopt process with an 8 yr old girl (V). We have a 10yr old birthchild (K) as well For us the experience has been mostly positive. V is a sweet girl, she's stubborn and easily frustrated but overall quite an easy kid to parent. We have very clear and consistent rules and keep a consistent schedule for the girls (ie bedtime, reading time, consequences of not doing chores, homework, etc). They whine and complain and it can be a constant battle to make them follow the rules but at the end of the day they know we love them and are good kids. K has some jealousy issues as you would expect - having been an only child her whole life, but I think having V as a sister will have a positive impact on her life as well as on V's. V has a strong bond with her birthmother and sees her twice a year. (she lived with her until age 5.5) I have fears of how that relationship may negatively impact V's life as she gets older and especially during the rebellious teen years - but we will have to just do our best to steer her in the right direction. One thing we are struggling with is her thumb sucking so if anyone has advice on that I'm all ears!

It seems like ages ago when I first started this thread. In August 07 we adopted our now 6yr old son (almost 4yrs old when placed with us). He was an angry scared little boy. He is now happy and able to contol his anger. This spring we decided we wanted one more child and was willing to accept a child up to 8yrs old. To our surprise we were placed with a newborn June 20th and will finalize his adoption next month:clap:.

Our bio son was 8 when we started the process of adoption from the foster system. When he was 8 1/2 we took placement of a five year old boy whom we adopted a year later. When the boys were 10 and 6 1/2 we took placement of a 9 1/2 yr girl who is now adopted. The three of them are definately quite the trio, very bonded. Due to the ages of our adopted children, and some disorders that were not diagnosed prior to adoption our life is pretty challenging, but it is worth it. By the way, blugal78, we had a foster daughter that was a serious thumb sucker. Dh got her to cut way back by just saying "Thumbs up, not in" when ever he noticed her sucking her thumb. It was just a gentle way of reminding her, because most of the time she wasn't even aware she was doing it.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Hello! - we have no biological children but have adopted 2 "older" girls internationally. One was 7 at adoption and the other was 3 and a half (adopted separately and not related). I have to admit that the transitions were very challenging although we had an added factor - both girls are deaf and neither had been exposed to sign language. In terms of violence - there has been hitting and so on to express anger and other emotions but nothing scary or unpredictable. I think that the way the child will behave depends on personality and their experience. My older daughter was in foster care and younger was in an orphanage. The older one *clung* at first while the younger one pushed away. Of course parenting is always challenging but I marvel at my girls, at how far they've come and how fabulous they are.[/FONT]