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I'm a 24 year old female. I had a great childhood and my parents never hid the fact that I was adopted. I am now married, and expecting my first child at the end of the year. Not the best time for this to happen. Recently, after no contact for my entire life, my birth sister "S" called me and said she had been looking for me for 3 years. She is 19 right now. My birth mom died when she was six, and shelived in foster care until she was 18. I never knew about S. I knew I had 2 older brothers, but didn't realize there was anyone after me. It kind of hurt to know that out of the four kids, I was the only one our mother gave up. (officially at least. she left one of the boys with some friends when he was 5 and never came back for him) But, from the looks of things, I had the best life. "L", the oldest brother is 34 and still lives with his dad. Most nights find him passed out drunk. "A", the brother closest to my age and the onethat I'm told looks like my twin is a transient. He basically hitchhikes around the country and stays at random shelters. he's gay. And then there isS, the one who found me. She is 19, and currently living with her boyfriend who is 44. She dropped out of highschool when she was 16. She works as a waitress, and supports him because he is under house arrest for too many DUI's. My birth family is basically trailer trash.I grew up in the best home, both emotionally and financially. When I was 3, my parents took me to hawaii, and every year after that they took me todisneyland. I went to the very best private schools, and i never wore hand me down clothes. I graduated from highschool and then college. I always knew how much i was loved. My mom used to tell me how special I was because g-d gave me to her and my dad. She said I was the best present they ever got. Ibelieved her. I still do.I guess i am happy that my birth family wanted to find me. I guess i'm glad that i was missed. I just feel its a bit selfish of them to look for me now.To comfort themselves that I turned out okay. If it were my birth mother looking for me, I'd have flatly refused her, but since it was a sibling, it feels more like another victim in my birth mothers path of destruction. It feels like we were all in this together, and of all our pain, mine is theleast. I never had to deal with the woman they all call mom.What do you all think? It is so much to process. I mostly still feel numb.
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Oh, what a shock to find out you have a sister and to find such problematic things especially at this time in your life.
I guess I don't see it as selfishness to want to find a birth sibling. But It sounds like you have a tough decision to make that you alone can make. Do you want to have any type of relationship with your bfamily? Do you want to end the reunion now? Do you want to keep the door open so that in case you change your mind at a later date you can? Do you want to find out medical information at least? (It can be important for your children)
Best wishes to you and your little one no matter what you decide.
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I was selfish. I wanted to know if my daughter that I HAD to relinquish was alive. I had to know if she was alive and had a good family that loved her and still does.She was selfish too. To want to find out her bloodline. To see that she is not alone or if she was alone, who went before her.Her Mother was selfish too. She wanted a child she could not bear physically. I was selfish in not wanting to give my daughter a home on the streets with nothing for her. So her Mother and I traded our selfishness.My daughter was selfish in wanting food, clothing love , parents.My sons are selfish for wanting to know their sister. They never had one, and when they were presented with that fact, they were selfish in welcoming her to the fold , so to speak. they selfishly wanted to know her and thought her worthy of knowing.I selfishly am not rich, I cannot give my children trips to Disneyland or Hawaii, but, again, in my selfishness, I gave them all the love I could, lots of hugs, my time, support and care.My daughters parents selfishly raised her as their daughter and saw no difference between her older brother and her. They selfishly provided a history for her, a home for her and selfishly lavished her with their personal love and attention.YOur birthmother selfishly gave you up so you could have what you have. Your siblings selfishly want to know you. Why? For what? Could they ignore you? Pretend you don't exist? Have no feelings about a blood relative?Did they selfishly make their lives or were they products of some really bad and terrible breaks?"There but for the grace of God, go I".Selfishlydmca
leahpoozle,Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to your sense of numbness as I'd gone through similar encounters, altho' I was the one who did the searching. You definitely have a lot of information to process - the sudden discovery of your birth siblings, the discovery that your birth mom died, the finding out about the sad lives of your birth siblings. I went through similar discoveries and came to understand that I have what my psychologist calls, 'survivor guilt' - i.e. all my siblings had very sad, lives and yet I was the 'lucky' one who ended up with a half-way decent family, college, travel opportunities, etc; I have also learned alot about all the buried emotions that I had inside about my adoption, about my own sense of self. Do take your time in processing whatever it is that you need to. You've gotta lot of stuff on your hands so all I can suggest is go as slow as you need to. I found that reading a lot about adoption (Eg. on these forums) really helped. May you at least find some comfort in knowing that many of us share your feelings. Yours,Ripples