Birth of baby

I am realizing yet another time just how lucky I was. My counselor made sure that I KNEW that it was my baby, my time and I was making the decisions. She was making sure that I was thinking about how to make parenting an option for myself, and when I resisted that, she talked to my parents to make sure that if I changed my mind I would be able to live at home with the baby. A couple weeks before the birth, we gave the hospital my written birth plan and every desision ended with the clause "or whatever Lynn decides." So, the prospective adoptive parents were allowed in the labor and delivery room unless Lynn changes her mind. The prospective adoptive parents can visit the child unless Lynn changes her mind. The baby will leave with the adoptive parents after Lynn checks out of the hospital unless Lynn changes her mind. Any questions? Ask Lynn. My hospital followed it to the "T." I was asked any questions that needed to be asked and I made any decisions that needed to be made. I deferred a couple decisions to my mom, but it was very clear that I was the person the hospital regarded as mom. My counslelor was at the hospital on discharge day and just a phone call away the day she was born. I guess my point in all of this is that my hospital experience and knowing the adoptive parents when they were still "prospective adoptive parents" really helped me feel at peace with my decision. I was able to feel confidant that I made the right decision because I had as much information as was possible. I recognize that this can be done in a coersive way, which is terrible, but I feel that just because some counselors/agencies/etc. don't take the time to be responsible and unbiased in how they educate mothers considering adoption doesn't mean that it shouldn't be allowed. I believe that having choices gives people power. I am glad I had the choice (and knew that it was a choice) to meet the parents of my baby before she was born. I wish that all women making adoption plans could have and understand that they have the choices that I had.

I have just privately let bromanchik know a few things. I signed up for this adoption forum to help people deal with their adoption process, not to be criticized by people who have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. Every hospital is different and under different circumstances, they may not have been as open to us as they were; that gives no one the right to criticize someone else and their adoption process. JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW AND NOT TO BE SCARED!!! OUR HOSPITAL DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ILLEGEL!! Please, don't anyone be afraid to ask questions at the hospital. All the doctors and nurses can do is tell you nothing. I totally respect all birthmothers, especially ours, I can only imagine how hard a choice they are making. All that I can say about that, is that we all do what we fill is best for our children. Thanks to so very, very many birth mothers out there, people who could not otherwise have children are given a very special blessing. I would never tell any adoptive family to step on a birthmother's toes or interfere with her private time with her newborn child. We gave our birthmother as much time as she needed. Enough said, I guess!!

HIPAA Rules state: "The Privacy Rule protects all "individually identifiable health information" held or transmitted by a covered entity or its business associate, in any form or media, whether electronic, paper, or oral. The Privacy Rule calls this information "protected health information (PHI)." Individually identifiable health informationӔ is information, including demographic data, that relates to: the individualՒs past, present or future physical or mental health or condition, the provision of health care to the individual, or Օ the past, present, or future payment for the provision of health care to the individual, and that identifies the individual or for which there is a reasonable basis to believe can be used to identify the individual. Individually identifiable health information includes many common identifiers (e.g., name, address, birth date, Social Security Number)." And..... "Basic Principle. A major purpose of the Privacy Rule is to define and limit the circumstances in which an individuals protected heath information may be used or disclosed by covered entities. A covered entity may not use or disclose protected health information, except either: (1) as the Privacy Rule permits or requires; or (2) as the individual who is the subject of the information (or the individualҒs personal representative) authorizes in writing." What you failed to mention, although you did mention it to me in your e-mail, is that the then mom signed a release. This is an extremely important bit of information. No one is allowed medical information of the mother and child unless the mother signs a release to make it so. Anything else is illegal. Asking for medical information, with the hopes of gaining information that you are not authorized to receive, may not be illegal, but it is certainly unethical to ask a medical provider to break the law. BTW, individual hospital policy has nothing to so with this, but on federal law.

The original question here was about adoptive families hospital experiences. PLEASE, NO ONE DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL OR UNETHICAL. I am sure that is the furthest thing from everyone's minds at that time anyway. As I stated in my very first post. Our hospital experience was wonderful. Some hospitals are open to the adoptive families being involved and obviously some are not. NO hospital will illegally give information without the birthmothers permission. I thought most people with common sense could figure that out. But just so everyone knows, our birthmother gave her permission. The hospital experience can be a very stressful situation for everyone. Just try to be respectful of the birthmothers decisions and ask as many questions as you want. There is nothing unethical about asking questions. If you have concerns ask someone. No matter how caring or how careful you are to not hurt the birthmothers feelings or to not cause her any regrets, obviously she will get very emotional and have regrets. GOOD LUCK TO ALL POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE FAMILIES!! THE WARMEST OF WISHES FOR ALL BIRTH MOTHERS WHO MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!

Please keep the contents of pm's private. They are called private messages for a reason. There is no need to bring it onto the public forum. If you are concerned with pm's you are receiving please contact a moderator and let them deal with it. While you might not agree with what she has to say, Brenda is well researched in the area of open adoption and birthmother issues. Let's try and remember the focus of this thread and that was to share our personal experiences with others. We might not agree with what others say but we need to remain respectful in our disagreements. Disagree with what was said not the person that said it. Sometimes things happen that really shouldn't happen. We need to look back at these events and learn from them.

[QUOTE=usmcfamily2005]I have just privately let bromanchik know a few things. I signed up for this adoption forum to help people deal with their adoption process, not to be criticized by people who have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. [QUOTE] Please keep the contents of pm's private. They are called private messages for a reason. There is no need to bring it onto the public forum. If you are concerned with pm's you are receiving please contact a moderator and let them deal with it. While you might not agree with what she has to say, Brenda is well researched in the area of open adoption and birthmother issues. Let's try and remember the focus of this thread and that was to share our personal experiences with others. We might not agree with what others say but we need to remain respectful in our disagreements. Disagree with what was said not the person that said it.

Quote: Originally Posted by usmcfamily2005 Luckily for us, the hospital was wonderful. They were very open to us being in there, they gave us pretty much as much access to information as the birth mother had. I also had one of the hospital bracelets myself, so that I could actually take the baby out of the nursery." Posted by bromanchik "This gives me the heebie jeebies. Not only is this illegal (has no one heard of HIPPA?) but it makes incredible assumptions before an actual decision has been made." Brenda is not accusing you of doing anything illegal or unethical. How were you supposed to know? The hospital staff are the ones who were being unethical and should have known better.

This actually is not true. There are many birthmothers I know who had not given permission yet had their personal information shared. There are many health care professionals that really believe the law does not apply when an adoption is planned. They see the plan as legal fact and not as the reality, which is that the new mom is still the legal parent. That is why I believe asking questions about the health of the baby or the mom without the mom's permission is unethical. As adopting parents you have no legal right to that information. Asking a health care professional to give you that information is unethical.

It must be quite common then. We were treated well at our bmom's hospital. We were given info on our daughters blood tests run, we had full visitation in the nursery and so on.

When it comes to adoption, it is very common for medical professionals to violate HIPPA laws. I have heard of many cases where ob-gyn offices called friends/contacts who were looking to adopt to let them know about single pregnant women who also just happened to be their patients. When my single daughter was pregnant and considering adoption, I printed out the HIPPA laws, attached our lawyer's business card, and had her pass it out at her ob-gyn's office as a warning. Had they violated the laws, we would not have hesitated to press charges. Adoption counseling for expectant parents should include a briefing on their rights to privacy under HIPPA and their right to press charges against hospital and medical office staff who violate the law. I did not have a hospital experience to share but wanted to throw in the point about adoption counseling - I hear lots of "If only I had known my rights" stories from birth parents. Happy G'Ma

My Hospital gave all of my information and my child's information to the adoptive family; no releases were signed. The TPR wasn't signed yet. And I was barely allowed to see my child. This was 2003, folks.

First, the advice: Call the hospital's social worker. Do this even if your agency says they'll do it, or it's not necessary. They might not, and it is. Don't stay for active labor. On the one hand, it gives you and the birthmom an amazing bond. On the other hand, it can be pure hell to go through that, knowing how much she went through, that the baby isn't yours now and might not ever be yours, bringing up any pregnancy and delivery expectations you might have had. It's rough. If the birthmom really wants you there, or if you feel that you have a strong relationship (that can withstand anything that might be said during a stressful, painful experience), work on a birth plan. If you are going to another state, bring support. Seriously. We had no one there to understand our perspective. The nurses were like: It's not so bad that you can't see him now, you'll get to take him home. While that may be true, it's not much help to someone who has been metaphorically pregnant for 2 years. It would have been worth the money to fly a friend out to be with us for just that experience. Another thought: Hire a post-partum doula for yourselves. In hindsight, we would have visited for an hour or so during the labor process. Next time, if we do this kind of adoption again, we won't be in the delivery room. The story behind the advice: We had a perfectly awful time at the hospital. DS's birthmom (S) is quite young. She wanted DH & I to be with her, and her mom, sister, and her 18 month old son. The hospital was horrible to her during the labor, telling her to stay in bed, don't eat, don't move around, etc. The doctors came in twice, a different one each time. They were very rude to S. But S's mom didn't seem to notice, and when I tried to ask the nurse questions (like, isn't it actually better for her to be walking around?) Mom freaked out at me. DS was born via emergency C-section, and went to the NICU. We were not allowed in there. Apparently, the hospital only let 2 people in the nursery. We had specifically asked about this, and weren't given a satisfactory answer. None of the nurses knew what the policy re: adoptive parents was. Turns out, that the person S put down as her emergency "I'm Knocked Out and Can't Answer Questions" person, Mom, was the other person allowed in. I didn't even get to see DS until late night the day after he was born. (The nurses wouldn't even wheel his little cart to the window.) S wanted us with her all the time in the hospital (she really didn't have much support aside from her immediate family). So we got to be there while Mom passive-agressived us to the point that I walked out in tears, and had to wander around the hospital. The social worker was of absolutely no help to us, and our agency, which told us that we would have support at the hospital, actually told us no, we'd have to use our inner strength and our faith in God. I truly hope that your experience is the best it can be. I tell this story not to scare you, but with the hope that people can learn from our mistakes. Ironically, I was cleaning off my desk the other day and found the "Before Baby To-Do List." One of the uncompleted items: Call hospital social worker. *sigh* -R

looking4lily:If the baby's mom is an inmate, some of your options may be affected/limited by the policies and procedures of the facility where she is incarcerated. They may be vastly different if it's a county jail or a state prison. It would be helpful for you to talk to jail/prison personnel to learn if they have guidelines that also have to be followed in these cicumstances. It's very possible that they use just one hospital in the area. A prisoner's visitors are likely to be restricted to those on an approved list...every State can vary to a degree, but I believe it would be wise for you to look into it.Jaysmom

I tried drafting a comment to add to this thread and then did something that made it vanish...so perhaps the universe is telling me to start over. This is such a charged topic. There are passionate and articulate advocates of keeping prospective adoptive parents (I hate writing it out, but I hate the abbreviation even more -- it makes me feel like a medical test) out of the hospital and delivery room. You should consider their comments carefully...but I believe people should be able to have choices, even choices that we might second-guess from another vantage point. We were at the hospital when our son was born, at his birth mother's request. I was in the room with her during her labor and had already attended several prenatal visits, also at her request. I hoped I might be able to be there when he was born, but it was always clear that she would decide that when she needed to. In the end I did get to be there, but I knew it was completely at her discretion. I believed -- and tried to act accordingly -- that this was her experience, hers and the baby's, and that I was being given a privilege to witness it. After he was born my husband I basically "hung out" at or near the hospital until the baby was discharged. We wanted to be available quickly if she should call and want to see us. It was at her request that we were there; I don't think we can be faulted for not going out sight-seeing. :) We did not hover outside her room, or for that matter, anywhere near her room. When she told us ahead of time that she wanted us to name him, we came up with some possible names and then asked her whether she liked any of them. She chose the name we gave him. (The nice thing -- if anyone's reading who, like me, has a mysterious birth certificate locked away in a dusty vault somewhere -- is that his name didn't change when we adopted him; our names just got tacked on to the end.) In other words, we realized we were third parties, and we tried to act accordingly. As for coercion...was it coercive for us to be there? Maybe. But why should she have no choice about who took him from the hospital? She wanted to control when and with whom he went home. He was hers; that should be her right. She might regret someday that we were there, but at least she will know that she was doing what she thought was best at the time. But I digress. I simply wanted to share our experience as a counterpoint to some of the other views that have been expressed. Regarding the original questions, I don't think there is any point in trying to find out what hospitals in your region are doing. Every one is different, and hospitals can also change over time in response to different situations. What you can do is try to prepare yourselves for a variety of possibilities, and then, when you have a specific hospital to work with, find out as much as possible about that hospital's policy and practice. Your social worker should be able to tell you how often birth moms working with your agency choose to have other people in the delivery room. Be wary if they say "our birth mothers ALWAYS choose [this or that]." That, to me, says more about the agency than the birth moms. And then remember that, no matter what "most" birth mothers do, the mother of your child will have her own needs and hopes and expectations, and those will come first. Barbara (adoptee, amom)

hi kim at first i was unsure if i wanted the aparents there but after hours of labor it didn't matter. i was glad her mom was there she could see the pain that i was going through and she was on my side. i don't know how many people had support during labor for myself not much. my daughters mother was very supportive and even told the doctors to do something about the pain i was in. i could've spent time with my baby but she wasn't mine anymore. i have a very open adoption. i didn't see it as any form of coersion i already made my mind up at that point. no hesistation only later in years is when the regrets set in for me. my daughter's mom was unable to have children but she seen what it was like.:p