Bfamily wanting to visit often...help

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I went through a Closed adoption with my daughter (I'm the birthmom). I was only allowed pictures up until the day of the adoption and one letter from the aparents after the adoption. It was a closed adoption which meant no contact, no pictures, no letters until she comes of age. Isn't that what a closed adoption is? I would think if they wanted that much contact then they should of chosen an Open Adoption. Did you go through an Agency or an attorney? I would check with who you went through and I would draw the line. If it is closed then treat it as such. You don't need to put yourself through this kind of worrying.

InBlindFaith - you are absolutely right. With a closed adoption, we are under no legal obligation to have them visit. I think this is a case of, "they didn't know it would be this hard until after and now are hoping we will consent for visits" - kind of thing. Truly, I think the reason they are pushing is for the birth mother because she misses him so much. I totally sympathize with her and love her for her decision - but I don't feel really comfortable about visits. Letters, packages, emails - sure. But visits just have me conflicted. I'm conflicted because it pains me so much to know they are hurting. And I want to do the right thing - esp in the interests of my son.

ok birthmom here. first off i am sorry they are having a hard time and should have gotten therapy and support before and after the adoption. In my case it was semi open then found out recently it was a closed adoption. this was 18 years ago and the aparents were open to visits and calls.. They changed his name which was ok, i have always called him by his adopted name when i called or wrote. I also knew when to back off. I called every couple years and sent bcards and xmas cards and they always had my info. They were very open with him about the adoption as there were 6 other adopted children in the home. But to my point offer exchange once a year, I would settle for a picture of my son right now and doubt that will ever happen(long long story) janps i don't mean to be harsh and do understand what she is going through

I agree. This is going to be painful until the day she is reunited with her child. There is nothing you can do to ease her pain. She (and possibly her family) need to understand you are trying to do what is best for this child...which is to provide a loving and caring home. If you are comfortable with sending pictures and a letter I would keep it at a minimum. You need to set the boundaries and they must respect them! It is perfectly alright for her to love her child, but she chose to let go so he can have a better life. She needs to realize her child is in a good place and needs to step away now and let you be the mother. I wish I had the magic answer for you. She will need to pick up the pieces and learn to live with the void that will be in heart. Hugs from a Birthmom :grouphug:

ElizabethRachael Understand that I know nothing about open adoptions, and when I placed my son 36 years ago there was only one type of adoption.....closed. But I thought it was worthwhile telling you what he did in his early 30's and why. All his life he wondered who I was, why I had placed him, and if he would ever see my face or know me as a person. He used to dream of me coming back into his life (as a young child something like a fairy princess) but as he grew older, he could see he was a little different to his sister (biological) and his parents, cousins etc, and wanted to know why. Were the differences inherited / genetic or was it all a figment of his imagination. He started searching at 22. Even though adoption was not a closed subject in the home, he felt his parents uneasiness discussing it in detail. His sister used to tell him he was her "real" brother (as he was) but he didn't feel like he was. He was loved, cared for and had a great life......but something was missing. Something just didn't sit right in his world. He petitioned the courts and opened his records (rather than asking the parents for whatever information they had) and finally made contact with me 4 years ago. He believes if I was part of his life (like an Aunty or adult friend) and he knew my role in his life, it would have made those adolescent years so much easier. He would have had a clearly defined mind-set of who he was and how special he was. Instead he wondered what was wrong with him - why was he so different from all his friends. If the birthfamily want annual visits, I believe they would be in your child's best interest. 12 months is a lifetime for a small child, but by 6 and 7 when they are mixing with other children and talking about family at school, your child needs to have clear definition of what makes him special. To know that he is loved by all family members, and for there to be no gaps in his own life story. One day a year would make all the difference. FROM WHAT I have read of open v closed adoption, you the adoptive parent set the boundaries. You are under no legal obligation to the birthparents. Rather under a moral obligation to do what is best for the child. For the adult......in years to come......I think you should introduce him personally to the birthmother. Allow him to know who she is.....when he's a little older he can ask her the why question himself....and this way, I believe, he will know his roots and accept that his unique status is not good or bad........just different. Regards Ann :flower:

If you had a closed adoption then you have no responsibility to open it up more...you have to think of your family and your son first. I would not agree to any set schedule of anything. Just keep the letters going if that's what you feel comfortable with and if you ever feel like meeting them let them know it might only be a one time thing and you would just have to play it day by day , no promises.

Oh wow - thank you for so many thoughtful replies and advice. I have been reading them all in depth this morning. Jan - you mentioned offering an 'exchange' once a year - were you talking about a letter? A visit? Oh - and you were not being harsh at all. I really appreciate how sensitive everyone at these boards seem to be. Another question - if we did visits occasionally - would that hinder the birth mother's ability to move on?? (in the general sense of that word). I've considered - suppose she marries someday and has a whole new family of her own. I'm not sure if that husband would be supportive of continued visits every year - naturally - because they have their own family to worry about. And I don't want my son to feel - again - missplaced and abandoned because she's moving on. Does this whole rambling make sense? Like I said - I have a lot of worries. I'm a bit nuts - I know.

I would of have trouble moving on if I saw my daughter periodically. Which was why I chose closed adoption.

Just an FYI - what you have is a Semi-Open or Semi-Closed adoption - it is neither open nor is it closed - because of the pictures/letters. Closed means no contact, at all, what so ever. Open means face-to-face contact - meetings, visits - whatnot. Semi means something in the middle. I placed my daughter almost 11 years ago in a fully open adoption - we see each other regularly...her mother has become my best friend over the years...in our situation it really is 'extended family'.This has never been an issue for me personally. Moving on is subjective though. Personally, getting letters and pictures, for me, would be far worse…I would be feed info that the adoptive family wants me to know…rather than seeing it first hand. I prefer to see things as they are…I see posts all the time on the forums here about ‘what should I tell my child’s birthmom in update letters”…with a fully open adoption, that isn’t an issue for either side (being told what sounds better / having to overanalyze what to send).I’m also an adoptee raised in an open adoption – I had a positive experience with that as well…and no, I never had mommy confusion or loyalty issues…I always knew who played what roll and how it related to me as an adoptee.