Has anyone had to tell the first parent that the child doesn't want contact?

You never know what the future may hold. There may come a day where she really feels she needs to have contact with her in some way. I'd try not to shut the door completely. You can still keep in contact with her on your own and hold any letters she sends for her until later when she might want them. When it comes to fosterchildren who have suffered abuse or neglect sometimes it is hard to remain in contact and sometimes it just isn't healthy at all. But in situations when it is possible and the child isn't in harms way I think it can be helpful to them. Regardless of what her birthmother did or didn't do for/to her her birthmohter still loves her very much and is probably dealing with a lot of regret and loss right now. While I do think she needs a general idea of what your plan is for future contact she doesn't need to know all the harsh details now. You can simply say that your daughter is going through a real rough time with all the emotions involved and needs some time to let everything sink in and work through those emotions. Tell her (if you do want to keep in contact with her) that you will write her again in 6months - a year, once everything has calmed down some to let her know how you are all doing. That way your not giving her any promises for future contact and allowing your family plenty of time to settle in and by then you'll know more what will work for your family.

Not knowing the history/situation, my quick answer is that you ought to let birthmom know that while you are not cutting her out, the 8 year old isn't comfortable with contact right now.Birthmom is in jail - is that the history that birthmom is aware of that might explain child's reluctance? Do you have an open adoption that spelled out mutually agreed upon terms?I have a nearly 10 year old, I can't say that I would absolutely let her call the shots in every situation, but then I'm not dealing with anything like this. If dd told me she didn't want contact with birthmom, and didn't want me to talk to her about birthmom, I'd be asking some tough questions of her! because I'd need to know the reason; you likely already know the reason.Your 8 year old doesn't want you to talk to her about her birthmom? I'm guessing she's had a tough journey and just wants to take a break from it and be a normal kid. Perfectly understandable, but I hope she knows that you will be there when she's ready.And birthmom should be willing to accept whatever the child needs to heal emotionally. I'd keep the door open. Will your 8 year old be upset if you send birthmom photos occasionally? Save birthmom's letters for her?Good luck,Babs

That's tough, Diane! I don't have this specific experience, but I think honesty is important in communication. I think Bab's suggestions as are the others, are great ones! ((HUGS))

Thanks girls! I did it, I wrote the letter (and mailed it). Unfortunately, PA does not enforce open adoption, so this is a verbal agreement only. I have told my dtrs that ANY time they want to talk about anything I am available. I told birthmom that I would keep in contact with letter updates and pictures, but that at this time phone contact and direct contact with the girls is not what is best for the girls. Diane

I think you did the right thing. It's up to the kids in the first place. They are old enough to decide (in my opinion).I pray that bmom is able to understand what the girls want!

Prayers are greatly appreciated! I also asked the birthmom to ask to meet with the prison chaplin too.

Birth parents will never understand that their children don't want to see or talk to them. They will allways put the blame on the system or more likely the foster/adopt parents. It is tough. It sounds like it is post adoption in your case. You did the right thing. I am planning on a closed adoption. My children 7 and 8 told their parents that they didn't want any more calls or visits even before the TPR. Of course we got blamed.

Thanks, I dred going to the mail each day (as that is the only way she has to communicate with us) I have no problem continuing with updates and pics though.

I know that you are in a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. For what its worth, I think that you absoultely handled the situation as best as possible and maybe someday bmom will come to understand that. Chin up, you are doing right by your girls!

may I chime in here being a bmom, if only the foster parents would tell me that he doesn't want contact. N was adopted then 8 years later put in foster care. I had contact but chose not to pester with phone calls as giving a child up is difficult but more difficult when you have constent visitation. They always knew where I was as I knew were they where. I didn't find out til years later that he was in foster care and yes the situation around it is very disturbing. And Yes I UNDERSTAND the best interest of the child but please just let me know he wants no contact so I can heal and move on until the time is right.. Sorry all for ventiing. jan

Jan - you've made such an excellent point - that continued visitation can prolong the suffering for BOTH the child and the birth parent. I think both parties sometimes need distance in order to heal and take care of themselves before they are ready to see each other again (if ever). I'm sorry about your situation - it sounds very painful. It must hurt a great deal to know that the child you believed to be safe and happy in an adoptive home has ended up in foster care, without you even knowing about it. ((HUGS))

I agree about taking the time to heal and accept the changes before starting visitations etc. It would have been much easier on my child and everyone involved if we had waited 6months-1 year or however long was necessary for us all to adjust to stuff before trying to make a relationship work when it was filled with such raw emotions and tryign to even accept what happened let alone begin to heal and work through it.

I also agree that continued contact can make it difficult for everyone to heal. It's like re-opening those wounds over and over again. I'm not sure when or if that pain ever goes away. But I have found that with time there can be more acceptance and with acceptance comes a sense of just enjoying the blessing that you have knowing you can't change the past and just creating a new path for the future. I do feel that openess does allow for so much more healing for everyone(in some cases...not all). In more closed cases those feelings just get bottled up and never talked about and then can all come pooring out during difficult times of your life or during a reunion. At least with some openness in adoption. Those feelings are dealt with along the way and a new kind of relationship can be built while the child is still in the home and his/her parents are right there to help them when needed.

After no contact for 23 years even though I made a choice then but to have gone Thur what I been Thur the last 15 years to realized what I did was out of love and the father also had contact with me along with certain relatives of my in-law side but they never told me. And still the father denied these sightings but I couldn't be sure and most of all why would i see him them with my in laws bringing me here (2 twice)(it was games) I finally called the father and he was anxious for an answer to 'Did I love our child " I said I was afraid of my anger embarrassments and discussing of a first marriage.I didn't want to explained And now having another child but wow their were born in the same month so I now say God did this so I wouldn't have to stop and cry and knowing same the month, so I would be happy not sad.:fan:

Diane, Dh was in foster care and had visits with both bio mom and bio dad. (They were divorced.) He requested that his FM tell the cw and bio parents that he didn't want any more contact. Years later, as an adult, he got in touch with his bio parents and explained to them some of what he was unable to articulate as a child. There was some measure of reconciliation between Dh and each of his bio parents. While their relationship was not close, and remained distant until their deaths, he was in nominal contact with them and they did meet their grandkids. Considering Dh's particular situation I think this was likely the best outcome that could have been achieved.