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I am a birthmom of a son turning 18 very soon. To be as educated as I can be, I have been all over the forums on this site. When I went into Adoptive Parents I wanted to have an understanding of how they feel. First I should say, my situation is not typical. I have negative feelings about my situation but not necassarily about adoption in general. I was 17 at the time my son was born and this was anything but frowned upon by both my boyfriend, his mother, and my parents. When my grandparents found out I was pregnant, they decided to talk to a infertile nephew and his wife and thought the perfect solution was for them to adopt my son. Of course everyone had their own ideas for this. My parents thought it was great - they thought they'd be spared the humiliation in our home town, but could go visit their "grandchild" when they wanted. My grandparents thought they'd go see the baby whenever they wanted, and the adoptive parents thought - we are getting a family. No one cared of my thoughts or feelings. I had my son for 5 weeks - I called and told them I was parenting - asked them to be Godparents. They told me no. They told me they wanted to be parents. Five weeks later, when I was tired and just needed a break, my dad made me call them to come get him. I was hysterical. They still came. I kept him in my room. My dad came up and said if I did not bring him down, he would take him to them - I was being selfish. I took him in hysterics and continued in hysterics. They could not wait to get out the door with my child. I had no counseling Legal or otherwise - only the father's mom callling me to tell me how I had to be strong this was what was best for him - and my mom telling me how it was God's will. Adoption papers came - I refused to sign. Two weeks later, my dad told me I had to - I was told the papers expired on my 18th birthday (3 weeks later). I signed (forced by my dad who took them and had my signature notarized) and figured after I turn 18 I will get him back. I turned 18 - got another set of papers which I did not sign. My boyfriend would not sign his because his mom said that would be acknowledging paternity and if I got him back, he would be financially responsible. So I told my parents I would not sign if he did not. That appeased them. Then I called the atty. for my dad's cousin and told him I wanted my son back. Nothing. Then I told my parents. My dad said I better get an atty. I did - we contested the adoption - boom - Lost. I did not appeal because I was so depressed and tired and done with having my family continue to hurt me. Tons of family members showed up at the adoption hearing to show their support for them. Anyhow - my son is almost 18 and I still very much think of him as my son. I have to work through the negative I feel for them, but I very much want a relationship with him - not them. Sorry for the length, but I wanted to throw the background out there. (Plus it helps to tell the story - It's been holed up a long time) I am surprised adoptive parents are not willing to share the child they raised with others. I have 3 beautiful with my husband and I feel blessed God has given them to me - but I also feel blessed to have nephews, nieces, Godchildren, etc. Why does it have to be a possesive thing? Why can't everyone share in the beauty of these people? If you read birthparent support - not all birthparents chose to not parent. And on the one thread I read, if the birthmom was 15 and the dad was 16 - there was clearly no choices there. Second thought - why are there so few new posts on adoptive parents support? Are adoptive parents generally less grieving than birthparents and adoptees?
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I think I've mentioned elsewhere in these threads that I dislike secrets these days. (I'm not including the things people tell me in a confidence as their pastor.) I was very uncomfortable after D and I had our first f2f and his parents didn't know. He wanted to wait to tell them and I let it be his decision. His dad kept emailing me that he thought D would want to meet me soon and I couldn't tell him we'd already met. Now they know so it's ok. D's dad invited me to preach at the church he serves (Did I mention that he's now the pastor of the congregation where I grew up?) My dad came for the second service and then we went out for lunch. Dad got to see many people he had known and to meet D's parents. He still hasn't met D. (In the brief bio of me in the newletter and bulletin we didn't mention our connection through D. As his dad said, very few of this congregation have even met D since he no longer lived at home when his dad was called to Waynesboro. I left the decision up to D's parents, but I must admit, I felt like I was keeping secrets again.) Love4, I think D's mom S would really like her 3 to be close as well. At this point I think she's uncomfortable (and maybe hurt) that D's relationship with my 2 has developed so quickly. He's not very close to his sisters; apparently there's been some tension between the middle child (adopted) and the youngest (bio). I only know bits and pieces but it doesn't sound like family gatherings are much fun! It doesn't mean D doesn't love them (In fact, I suspect that they are like my 2 - my daughter criticizes her all she wants -- but that's herprerogative: she'll defend him to the death if anyone else tries it!) I have to add that my daughter live about 20 minutes from D (and son J spends lots of weekends with her); D's sisters live in south Carolina and New Jersey. D's dad is very optimistic and thinks all will work out well as we continue to get to know one another better. I pray that he is right. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of pain for D's mom. Blessngs on all,Kathy
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love4
sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues. My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other. It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.
D's dad is very optimistic and thinks all will work out well as we continue to get to know one another better. I pray that he is right. The last thing I want to do is to be the cause of pain for D's mom.
Blessngs on all,
Kathy[/QUOTE]
Your words bring comfort, Kathy. Thank you. I agree with D's dad. I think all will work out well as we continue to get to know each other better. I also pray that he is right. Thank you for caring for D's mom. I do care about you too! Hugs.
[quote=manni28]Whitsunday: Did you have a happy upbringing? Were your aparents good parents? If so, why is it a problem now you're in reunion? I'm an adoptee to and to be honest, I don't get the "torn" feelings that I have read about. For me, MY parents are my parents and my bparents are my bparents-two different set of people; two different set of lives. I am close to forty years old and I am not confused about who is "mom and dad". Maybe it's me, but I don't "get it" I respect what you're going though but I don't get it?[/quote] Sometimes it is hard to "get it" when others experiences are so different from our own. I personally find it difficult to understand birth/original/first parents who seem to believe that they can meet their child and immediately start "mothering" them. I don't believe that's my role in D's life. I gave birth to him and that for me binds him to me in a way that cannot be changed. I did not raise him, his mother did. I think there are bmoms who would like to pretend that the amom doesn't exist, just as there are amom's who believe the bmom should remain invisible forever. There are adoptees who can't wait to search and others who have no desire to do so. Again, we are unique, with different personalities, wants and desires. As I said before, how great that we all have each other! Blessings,Kathy
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manni28
Whitsunday: Did you have a happy upbringing? Were your aparents good parents? If so, why is it a problem now you're in reunion? I'm an adoptee to and to be honest, I don't get the "torn" feelings that I have read about. For me, MY parents are my parents and my bparents are my bparents-two different set of people; two different set of lives. I am close to forty years old and I am not confused about who is "mom and dad". Maybe it's me, but I don't "get it" I respect what you're going though but I don't get it?
I don't know that it is a unique adoption experience... I've read others' threads with similar feelings (unless they're really all you! LOL:evilgrin: ) It is however an experience that saddens me for all persons involved... the adoptee who grew up feeling distanced from the family; the adoptive family who truly (I assume) believed that they were creating a family; and the birth mother who wanted all the best for her child. (And yes, I know I'm speaking as an idealist and reality is rarely ideal!) Sigh... Blessings,Kathy
love4
sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues. My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other. It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.
love4
sniffles states that her adoptive parents had enough self confidence to feel comfortable in reunion. My confidence was shattered when my daughter walked out on us and moved in with her birthparents and completely abandoned us. Not only that, as she was growing up she had many fantasies of her birthmom being so perfect and I just didn't meet her expectations of the perfect mom. It shattered me because I tried so hard to be the perfect mom. After all, adoptees were supposed to be placed in a better environment. I couldn't fix her pain of abandonment issues. My daughter has recently stated that we ARE her parents and her birthmom is like a very good friend. She had to work through a ton of emotions and she is finally finding her place. My second oldest does not want a reunion and is very happy with her life. Each person deals with things differently and no one is better than the other. It is great for the adoptive parents who can give so freely. I unfortunately struggled. Sorry.
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Sniffles,
no need to apologize. I understand what you are saying. Your brother sounds similar to my daughter. She has struggled since she was small and made life difficult for all of us. I am a sensitive person to begin with and my daughter just shattered my self confidence. Thankfully I chose to not let her destroy me and sometimes she tried, not really meaning to but trying to make the agonizing emotions she had go away. I know she hurt sooo much and still does. She is trying very hard to let go of hurtful emotions and accepting how things turned out for her. She is working at restoring what has been destroyed in our family and I truly appreciate her efforts. I know she doesn't want to struggle but she does. She has me still by her side always with open arms. Sometimes I want to give up but I just can't!!
love4, I think you just gave me some insight as to why my parents seem to bend over backwards to help my brother. I will admit it does make me jealous sometimes. Now I have had problems in the past and I worked through them and hopefully became a better person, but he has drained them so bad that I am afraid if I ever need them they will not be there for me either physically, emotionally, or financially.
To: Josh1788smom I'm an adoptive mother and our son met his birth mother and father when he was 2 yrs old. His birth Mother was only 16 when she gave birth to him and the birth father was 18 yrs old. They were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend and she felt it was best to give her son a chance with a family that could provide for him and love him as their own. After sending letters and pictures of our son thru the adoption agency for 2 yrs, sharing how he was growing and developing, etc., we felt comfortable offering the birth parents to meet him again. Now, we see each other several times a year to celebrate his birthday, christmas, easter, summer, special occasions. We feel very blessed to have adopted him and wanted to share him with his birth parents. we also did not want him to grow up wondering who his birth parents were and someday they would have a family of their own and we wanted him to know his half-brother(s) and/or sister(s). he is now almost 8 yrs old and is very secure about his birth parents and us (his Mom and Dad). all he knows is that he is loved very much by a large extended family and enjoys spending time with them and their family whenever possible. Our situation worked out for everyone possible and we thank God every day!I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
Sniffles,
My daughter has drained us also. Everything was about her. But sniffles, I love each of my 4 girls and I will always have time for each one of them. I have enough strength and love for each of them. I have to admit, that the quiet one sometimes gets put on the back burner and I can see how one would feel jealous. I try my best to make sure each one knows I am there for them. It sounds like you have wonderful parents and that they have room for you too.
My daughter ruined any relationship she could have had with my second oldest. Her anger lashed out at my daughter and hurt her to the point she doesn't want to deal with her anymore. Sad. She has hurt us so much and sometimes she wonders why I still love her but I do understand her struggles. Love builds bridges. I continue to try and build bridges.
Don't be afraid to ask your parents for help. I don't always know when the girls need something. I tell them to ask. Sometimes they hold their pain in so good I can't always see it. I need them to ask when they need a hug or help. Hugs.
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love4
My daughter ruined any relationship she could have had with my second oldest. Her anger lashed out at my daughter and hurt her to the point she doesn't want to deal with her anymore.