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My ex husband and father to both my boys, one placed and one raised, is having trouble with reunion. When Jordan made first contact me ex seemed really excited. We went with our new spouses and our son to meet him and had a wonderful time. Since then he has made comments to me that he doesn't want me to have a relationship with Jordan because he thinks it hurts our other son. We have been in reunion for 9 months and both boys get along great. I have had extensive conversations with my son about how he feels and he assures me that after the initial shock of finding out he had a brother he is fine with it. He likes Jordan, he even hangs out with him. They do things together, without me. Neither me or my ex has had any other children and the boys are only 17 months apart. My ex insists that no matter what our son says he thinks he is going to have long tern issues if we have any relationship with bson. He feels it's disrespectful to our other son to accept Jordan into our lives. He can't and won't stop me from seeing and touching and loving Jordan. I'm just curious as to why he thinks this way. Even when I called to tell him that Jordan's girlfriend is pregnant and joked about him being a grandpa, he said," I'm ain't gonna be no grandpa untill our real son has a baby." Our real son? Jordan is our real son. We just didn't raise him. I don't know if this makes a difference, but he is an adoptee and has never had any desire to reunite, and I know he questions Jordans motives. What are your thoughts as to why he is being so stubborn.
Jordan's bmom
I don't know if this makes a difference, but he is an adoptee and has never had any desire to reunite, and I know he questions Jordans motives. What are your thoughts as to why he is being so stubborn.
It sounds like he's projecting a lot of his feelings on to your son. He sounds like he has a lot of his own personal stuff to work through.
How sad for both sons.....
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Maybe he doesn't know how to handle the emotions of it?? Is he feeling insecure? Jealous? Maybe right now it isn't a good idea to fill the bdad in on the news about Jordan. Let him process what is going on right now and when he is ready to hear about Jordan then fill him in.
Continue building your relationship, don't stop!!
I'm going to stick my neck out and make an observation and I know many will disagree. Most men don't seem to bond with their kids until that kid looks up and says "Daddy". I suspect that most bfathers who agree to reunite do so out of a sence of responsibility, curiosity or guilt. That doesn't mean that they don't want a relationship to develope- they just don't have that mother- child bonding thing pulling at them.
If your ex feels finding his own bparents would be disrespectful to his aparents then maybe this is the same to him. Plus he may be lacking in his sence of responsibility,curiosity or sence of guilt.
I certainly don't think it would be disrespectful of the second son to for him to see the first. I don't get that at all. However it is not your job to change his mind. I would to make it clear to Dad that you don't think it is disrespectful for you to see him and that he can keep his opinions to himself when second son is around.
My guess is that it does make a difference that he is adopted and does not have any interest in his bfamily. What Brenda said about projecting his own feelings onto his son is likely true.
Also maybe he thinks that how he feels (no interest in bfamily) is how Jordan should feel. If bdad thinks his feelings are the "right" way to feel, then to feel different could be wrong in his eyes. It would make him question himself and his own decisions to accept Jordan's different ones whole-heartedly. You know how men LOVE emotional self-examination ;) (read tongue-in-cheek, not meant as a generalization of all men).
He is, like Brenda said, probably voicing his own feelings about himself and his life, by assigning them to your other son. That way, he's just being a loyal dad, rather than admitting that he is the one who is closed.
I'm sorry. I hope he comes around.
Patty-cake
Most men don't seem to bond with their kids until that kid looks up and says "Daddy". I suspect that most bfathers who agree to reunite do so out of a sence of responsibility, curiosity or guilt. That doesn't mean that they don't want a relationship to develope- they just don't have that mother- child bonding thing pulling at them.
If your ex feels finding his own bparents would be disrespectful to his aparents then maybe this is the same to him. Plus he may be lacking in his sence of responsibility,curiosity or sence of guilt.
I certainly don't think it would be disrespectful of the second son to for him to see the first. I don't get that at all. However it is not your job to change his mind. I would to make it clear to Dad that you don't think it is disrespectful for you to see him and that he can keep his opinions to himself when second son is around.
We are definitely on the same wave length. I am not going to try and change his mind. He has a right not to pursue the relationship. My 2nd son has told his dad that he is excited to have a big brother and thinks he's really cool, so he wants to know him regardless of how his dad feels. And believe you, me nothing and nobody is going to hold me back from having a relaitonship with him.
Now, when my 2nd son tells his dad of how he and his brother have spent time together his dad still calls me and tries to accuse me of forcing them on eachother and tells me that it is going to create issues with 2nd son and when it does it will be my fault. When I try to ask why he thinks it is going to cause problems he just says, cause I know it's gonna. Who knows, I was just curious what everyone else thought.
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