sister of adoptee,needs support

September 18, 2006

this is so unreal.im living in a dream world,and i havve so many..questions,thoughts.everyone i ask seems to jsut,not know what to say,and i cant go on not doing anything,its too stagnant,living ona shoe string.in march this,year my older brother brodies 21st brithday,my father decided to tell us that we have a sister,who my mother gave birth to in 1983 in souh africa 9they lived there from 1980-1985 before returning to the uk).and who,they felt they were too young and poor to keep.very few people know about my sister in my family,it is the big family secret,and infact my aunty and my nan who have unfortunatly passed away,never knew.i suppose the hardest thign at first was the isolation-the very people you need to talk to are the peope, you resent most-i felt so angry with my dad,as he deliverd the news,and sympathy for my mum,as i knew she would never have told anybody,and my suspsions were correct).my parents have separated and my father did not tell my motehr that he was going to tell us about jane,which left us to tell her-this was the onyl time my mum and i have ever discussed jane-i belive that my mum is so traumatised and shocked by what she did,she just chooses to ignore it ever really happend,which desensatises it for her.i blive that fi i search for jane behind her back,or without her consesnt,i will destroy our relationship,yet she refuses to discuuss itas it upsts her.when i saught coucelling after fining out about jane,to deal with this..huge news,our relaionship grew very turbulent,as i thought it woud be wise to be honest with her that iwas seeking help-i would very much like for us to search for jane together.

both my mum and dad(and eitehr step parents) belive tha this does not affect me or brodie-we dont know jane,so wy woud we be upset?yet,after years of crap from our aprents,me and brodie share a very close bond that neitehr of us share with our half siblings who are non plussed by the news.its torture for us to deal witht rhe fact tehres a part of us out there,who cant fall abck on us for support..yet,im sure shes happy..its still distressig.does that even make sense?.is it selfish of me to think it does affect us?i feel like a part of my life is missing,even though i dont know her,i love her...my father,unbeknwon to my mum left a paper trail for ajne to follow,which has been avaialble to her for 8 years yet she has not chosen to fidn us,which,hurts.is this a choice adotees often make,what amkes you want to trace your brith parents?thinking that she has other brothers and sisters to rely on hurts me..i want her to knwon me,to know us,to be a aprt of us,yet,i have to accept she doesnt even knwon i exist,or even care.i want her to be there to see be do things,to be proud of me,to knwon taht i never had the choice not to be part of her life,yet im scared if we do find her,il resent her as shel be this prodical daughter to my aprents..is that messed up?or is it normal to feel that way?i dont known which way to turn.i recently accepted that jane is happy,and i shoud leave it be.yet,im going through health scared which has renuwed my interest to find her.shes already lsot such amazing relatives,im scard,what if i get ill or my mum/dad/brotehrs does,and we never get to find or even meet her.should i start searching?my mum never told anyone.i cant even begin to imagine how isoalted my mum must feel,and i have never,at an point let her know my feelings of anger,bcause,i dot think she deserves it-i love her,and i have nothing mbut sympahy for her-i know shes hurting..so is it selfish of me to search for my sister if my mums not ready?i jsut dot see how my parents can sit on this,day after daya nd do nothing.i feel as thogh part of me is lost,waiting day by day for news of her.i need,jsut,advice,guidnce from either adoptees or birth parents,i need to know whats going on.nobody seems to want to talk.brodie thinks our salvation is finding jane,but i dont want to barge into her life and expct her to love me,as she was the only one who was given away-what if she hates me,us,for that?.if anybody is going through,or has been through this,has critisims or adivice,or a story.i need to know im not alone in this,because,thats jsut how it feels.what should i do?

zxczxcasdasd

September 18, 2006

Wow! Well, you should get lots of support and advice here. I'm sorry this is all hitting you now. How overwhelming and confusing for all of you.

Here's my 2 cents:

If you are all adults, then you can search even if your mom's not ready. You can find her and get to know her, whether your mother wants to or not. It may anger her or hurt your mother. But you can still be a loving daughter, be understanding and compassionate for her hurt or for her reasons for being closed, without being controlled by it. It doesn't have to be one or the other (at least on your end). You can't control your mother anymore than she can control you. Decide what you want to do and do it and do not let anyone tell you that making an independent decision equals not being loving- as long as you don't stop being loving on your end just because you disagree. Just repeat and affirm your love for your mother, but be your own person.

Do your best not to make grand positive or disastrous negative assumptions about what the result could be. You need to stop trying to predict the future, or dread it, and just be who, what, when and where you ARE. You are you. Your life is what you make it, no matter what happens with your search for her. Same for your brother. She is not your salvation nor your ruin. Do not externalize your happiness on what happens with her. She is an independent person, to whom you are fully related, but whom you don't own and can't control.

You are a sister to someone you don't know. She may not and probably doesn't know you exist. You want to find her. You can start a search and if and when you find her, then you will take the rest from there.

If you want to search, then do. If your brother wants to help, great. If you don't want to, then don't. There's not a right or wrong answer. It's not right or wrong to search or not to search. It's just your personal choice whether or not you want to. If you find her, then it will be her personal choice if she wants to accept the offer of a relationship. No right or wrong. Just choices. You can't control your mom's or your sister's ar anyone else's choices. Just make, and be responsible for, your own.

If you search, just think about the search and know that you cannot control the result. Things will reveal themselves as you go along. Take it one step at a time.