The right decission ?

I'm 55 and have 4 kids, 37, 35, 3 and 17 months and just finished writing a 500+ word blog on this over on the olderparent blog (you can click on the link in my signature), so won't repeat myself here.At 40, you're still a kid!As for kids resenting you because of your age...well, at least they'll have that for an excuse. Darned convenient, too!

Dearest Sandra, I love you for saying what you said!!!!! As for someone feeling that I am selfish for adopting 4 children at an older age . . . selfish???????? I'm at a point in my life where I can give myself to my children without any feeling about what I'm "missing out on" because I've done it all. I'm a stay at home mother who has given up a career, a bigger house and sleeker car for what is most important. I am an outstanding mother, do not look or feel my age, am physically and emotionally healthy and, yes, I take offense at anyone who thinks it's their business to make general assumptions about anyone because of their age, race, religion, sexual orientation, or any other means of attacking others. Guess that's what living a little life does for you . . . makes you MORE TOLERANT!!! jOSIE

I live in an area of the country where most people have children quite young (I am fairly unusual, being 27 and not having at least one child). Most women my age are at least on #2. But then again, I didn't get married until I was 26 (also quite unusual), so am considered very "behind" by people around here, I'm sure. My mom was 32 when she had me and she was ALWAYS the oldest parent of anyone in my class, often by several years. While I was not really traumatized by it, and obviously I am grateful that she chose to have me despite her age, I do remember her not having anything in common with other parents of kids my age -- most of her friends have kids MUCH older than me. I wish I'd been able to have children sooner than I'm going to get to have them. I wish I'd been able to get married at 21 or 22 as most people around here do. But if I had, I wouldn't have the wonderful husband that I do, and I have no doubt my life would be much different. My life was meant to be the way it is, and I also believe yours is, too. If you don't feel too old to start with a baby, and you've examined what problems you might cause your child by being older and determined they're not big problems, by all means go for it. I wish you only the best in your journey.

thanks for all the support-I just definatly want DH and I to be on the same page and for both of us to go into this excited and looking for a new adventure in raising another child together- to me if we are not in it together- it will not work- Time will tell- I love hearing all of oyur stories Congrats to you all for putting your heart out there for a child in need

I don't have any advice, but wanted to thank you for posting this thread. I'm in the same situation as you. I'll be 40 in January, DH is 50, and I have an almost-18 yr old DS from a previous marriage. Like yours, DH has never been married before or had his own children. We have been trying for 2+ years to conceive, but it's just not happening. So, adoption is the path we're taking. We worry about being older parents, starting over after 18 years, etc. But if we don't take that leap of faith now, I fear that I will regret it if we wait any longer. I'm following my heart and believe that everything will work out.

Well.........both of us will be 50yrs old in April. We adopted our first baby at 23yrs old (which was considered OLD for most of the couples we knew from high school)...and our last baby (well, we hope not THE last) was adopted three years ago. (So that means we were almost 47yrs old.) Time and desire have no boundaries. I fully believe that if you are healthy and have the desire---then do it. Neither of us are wealthy; I am a stay at home mom...and like Josie, drive an older van, live in an old farmhouse, raise horses, and gave up teaching and other schooling to stay home and raise children. (Though I am a college grad.....and 'so what', you may say...LOL) That said, I always wanted more babies.....and we thought we could never afford them. We went the older child route---which ended up in a LOT of heartbreak and such.....but the babies (two are now grown and on their own) have been blessings beyond description---even in the hard times! I honestly believe that there are those of us who feel raising children are our 'mission'. Dh and I feel this way. We offer our children our love, our 'living on a farm', and values/lifestyle that for some, are long gone. Others have their talents and abilities to share in their way too. This is ours. Having enough money to raise kids can sometimes bother me. But I've learned over the years, that you do what you can, you try to live a good example and kids know genuineness far more than we give them credit for, KWIM? If you both feel this in your heart....do it. Adopt as many as you feel the need to. In our case, we know we're older, but we're still full of spunk and spirit. I have had friends who have suddenly died---even in their 20's. They left their babies behind....and the end of anyone's life is unknown. Make you life full. Make a baby's life wonderful and full, if this is your desire. Time and desire have no boundaries, as I wrote earlier. If we follow our heart's desire, and the means and ways are 'opened'....then I believe it's what we're destined to do. My best to you........and good luck! Sincerely, Linny

I'm 47 and starting on adopting child #4. This is not old to me. To me it's proper to have white haired grandparents who have lived full lives already. I know of lots of women giving birth at 50. The only people who have asked if I were the grandparent were the young teenage cashiers. Lol my seven year old looked right at one and said, "Does she look like a grandmother to you? Are YOU a grandmother?" Gotta love that kid!

I'd just turned 42 when H was born, dh was 35. Like jaenelle, we live in a part of the country where people get married young, have children young and, unfortunately, get divorced at a rate higher than the national average. I think if you take care of yourself from a physical standpoint, it's not that big of a deal. Yes, I'm older than some moms, but I don't look it. I have a great job, a great husband and I don't feel I've missed out on much in my life. Your energy level's a little different in your forties than in your twenties, but so is your patience and understanding. Age (young or old) isn't what makes you a good parent.

I love this thread! domesticgodess - I am 41 and DH is 53. We have a 4-year-old whom we adopted at birth. Yes, I asked myself the same questions. One thing I figured - which has turned out to be true - is that at the park, and church, and school, etc. I would meet and make friends with other Moms who have kids of similar ages - and they would be young enough to be my own child. Be prepared for that - but I have also been deeply enriched by these young moms who are now my friends. Our only regret is we don't have more!!!!! (We have actually been financially and emotionally spent due to a complicated contested adoption [see Failed and Contested Adoptions for more info]). But we would definitely have adopted at least one more by now otherwise. Still would if we thought we could dare try again - but the toll has been too much. Anyway - back to the point: DO IT! I love what specialk4b said: "I think all kids resent their parents at some time for some reason. Some days it may be because I'm an old fogey, some days because I won't get them a pony, so who knows."and then intladoptionblog: "As for kids resenting you because of your age...well, at least they'll have that for an excuse. Darned convenient, too!" HA HA - that is great! What I definitely know is that at this age I am a FAR better parent than I would have been 20 years ago. I have more patience, strength, determination, selflessness, and even love than 20 years ago. I also have my education, my party days are finished (Thank Goodness!), my great job because of my education, a house, financial and emotional stability, and yes - even stamina to keep up with my boy! I am so glad I waited until I was older to parent. We did do the whole infertility route for several years and that was more difficult physically than caring for an infant, toddler, now child. I do not consider myself "old". I do consider myself mature, stable, and exceptionally giving. My priorities are in order and my "life" is in order. Again - something which was definitely not the case 20 years ago. I can also see younger mothers and they struggle in ways I do not. I also make it a point to keep physically active and, for example, on Sunday I took my child on a wildlife "adventure" in the woods. I even climbed a tree! PM me anytime - I am one who is definitely "in there"! And to all amoms over 40 - congratulations!!!!! Christie

Nice post, Christie...... I'm 41 and just brought home our daughter 2 1/2 months ago. We may adopt a 4th child when we finalize this adoption. :)

I believe I posted this on another thread in this forum, but both dh and I will be 50 in a couple of months, and we just brought home anothe newborn in December '06. We now have a five, three and 2month old to raise. (We already have grown children too.) I can attest that having three UNDER five yrs is a bit overwhelming at times......as we've never had this many, this young---at the same time.....but it's great. More sleep or time with each other will come back in a few months; and we've never regretted doing this at our ages!!! To add: Standing outside the fire (Garth Brooks) We call them cool Those hearts that have no scars to show The ones that never do let go And risk it the tables being turned We call them fools Who have to dance within the flame Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always come with getting burned But you got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire We call them strong Those who can face this world alone Who seem to get by on their own Those who will never take the fall We call them weak Who are unable to resist The slightest chance love might exist And for that forsake it all They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire Chorus: Standing outside the fire Standing outside the fire Life is not tried it is merely survived If you're standing outside the fire There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly hiher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire Repeat Chorus(twice) To all of us who know how to live 'inside the fire' and enjoy ALL of life---BRAVO! Sincerely, Linny

Linny - great post! The older we get the more love we have! I have kept up with your posts and you and DH have certainly had some tough times. Yet even with all that you love children and family so very much and have so much to give. Good for you!!!!

Thank you Christie....I truly appreciate your comments. Most Sincerely, Linny

I just wanted to add here that my parents were also older when I was born (this is a generational thing in my family - goes back many generations, waiting until older to have children). I think - as posted by others - that all children (especially teenagers) resent their parents at some point in time for one thing or another. I have a brother who is 8 years younger than me and I asked his opinion on this. He said he has never had an issue with it (neither have I). I don't believe this is an "adoption" issue - just a possible issue for any older parent. Maybe the key is the dynamics of the individual family. Josie - you are TOO FUNNY! To bring in a response from another thread: Since my son was very little I have done "exercises" where I lay on my back and put him on my feet and play "airplane" with him. I take him up and down and back and forth. And other such "exercises". Now at his age of 4 we still do those - just not quite as often because he is soooo big now. :) The main difference is now when I get up I give a little "grunt". UGH! I hate it when I do that. The "right" decision is such a personal one - but IMHO parenting after 40 is much better for me. Still wish we could adopt another. Sometimes I just ache for another baby. Even though I am over 40? YES!!!!!

I had two bio children in my early twenties. Very close together as a matter of fact. I now have a 19 month old adopted son at the rip old age of 39.5. And what a difference. I am more confident, stable, slimmer and more active then I ever was though out my thirties. I don't think my son will resent me for being older and wiser. Of course he can resent me for just about anything he wants to get his mind around when he is a teen. I am sure that will happen. I was raised by my grandparents. Along with my brother and 2 other sisters. Yes my grandparents were older and not very active (they were in their 50's when we went to live with them) but they did teach me morals and compassion things you don't see much anymore. I in turn have passed those onto to my children. I am healthy and active with my ason and my older children are very active with him also so he dosen't stay inactive that is for sure. I think if you have the desire to provide a child with unconditional Love and a home then your heart is in the right place.. i can say from experience that the things my older children remember are the little things. Taking cupcakes to school for their bdays. Watching a movie together and making popcorn the old fashion way.. It wasn't gifts or material things but the time and attention that is now what they remember the most. Good luck in your decision :grouphug: