Close an open adoption?

It doesn't sound to me like you are talking about closing the adoption, only stopping visits and phone calls. That is within your right to do so..... and I would do the same if I was in your shoes. It is not your reponsibility to have to take phone calls because she can't give you an address. My suggestion then is to set up a web page on a FREE site and give the bmom the internet address to visit it and see pictures and be able to communicate with you. I did this for my dd first 18 months of life. Bmom did not have a computer or bfather, but they could go to the local library and use it for free. I would stop all communication with her by phone and any visits until she starts cleaning up her act. Since she has illegal activity, can't hold a place to live and appears the drug use continues and the poor baby was born addicted... YIKES...... I think baunt had the CHILD's best interest at heart. Too bad you can't keep in contact with her. It's time the bmom grew up and started acting responsible. Good luck on what you decide. :grouphug:

Ess, I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me too like you don't really want to close the adoption, but that you cannot engage in the kind of phone calls, etc. with birth mom RIGHT NOW. I think it may make sense to have a conversation with her about that and I also like Mom2's idea too. Good luck, Karen

I am so sorry you are experiencing. I think you have some real valid concerns. Now, how do you implement the changes in contact? Do you have an agency that can help mediate between you two? I think you need to talk to bmom when she calls next, be prepared for the back lash. She will not understand, I imagine, and will be angry. Reiterate that you are not closing the adoption, but are feeling the need to only send pictures and letters due to her behavior. Does she have a relative that you can send letters to where she can pick them up? (((HUGS)))

How old is the baby? Have you finalized the adoption yet? I would be careful and talk to a layer before making any changes. There are cases where the bmom can claim Fraud or somehtign like that saying you had planned an open adoption and had one and then cut her off. I'd just want to make sure you didn't have a legal obligation to her before you speak with her about it. I would put your childs needs first regardless of what you talked about before hand. Look at the long term picture here. What kind of contact do you feel is best for your child? How did you want her to benefit from an open adoption when you started this adoption. Will the bmom always be like this? Or will there come a time when she grows up some more and make some better choices in her life. Will you have been glad you waited and did what you could to build that relationship along the way. Or is it better for your child to never have direct contact and just wait unitl she is older for that? Open adoption isn't for everyone in it's (direct form). Sometimes semi-open is better. If she doesn't have a reliable address maybe you can use a family member of hers to receive letters for her. OR maybe your agency would be best. At least until more time has passed. The problem with that is it's hard to tell where a person is emotionally, lifestyle wise etc...if you aren't at least in phone contact with her or have some way of knowing what is going on in her life along the way. How will you ever know when her life is more stable. you can't relly on her to tell you the truth of what's all going on in her life....especially if she knows your waiting for her to clean up her act. She'll just put this fake front on when your around or in her letters etc. I guess my opinion would be to not talk to her about it at this point in time. Just keep on as your going. Only answer or return her calls when you feel ready to talk to her. If she asks for a visit just be upfront with her and tell her not at this time. Your baby doesn't have to have any direct contact with her. until you feel she is ready for that. But that doesn't mean you can't still stay in contact with her. Another thing I would advice is you mentioned being angry. Well, don't make these decision when your angry. Think about them, write out pros and cons to your choices and then re-visit them again when your not so upset about it and your mind is a little clearer. This is a life long relationship your daughter will or will not have with her birthmother. She will always be her birthmother and may very well want a relationship with her when she is older. Would you rather be there by herside through out her life helping her through that relationship or would you rather her deal with it by herself when she is out of the house? My kids come from hard circumstnaces as well (fostercare) but I know they will have lots of questions, concerns and anger, sadness adn love for their first families. I want to be there for my kids along the way to help them throguh all these emotions. Soemday they will have to deal with all those feelings all by thyemselves that's justa part of growing, but until then, I can't erase or pretend they don't exist. They do, they always will, that hurt will always be there as well as the love they wil have for them. So I want to accept my kids for who they are, where they have come from and who they will become. Their birthfamilies are a part of that.

Although I don't want to speak directly about our situations, I can say that I can empathize with your concerns for your child because of the previous/present choices of your child's first mother. This would be my line of thinking and how I am dealing with our situations. First off, I have acknowledged the fact that the lifestyle and choices of my kiddos' first mothers may not PRESENTLY be a positive thing in my kids' lives. But the fact is (and it sounds like it may be this in your situation too) that I knew this was a very real possibility based on their choices before and during the pg. I knew that this most probably could be an issue and yet, I accepted a placement where an open relationship was a consideration. I have to take responsibility for that and try to find a way to make it work. And it has... to this point, with Bug's first family, we have found a mediator within the birth family who can relay updates/pics etc. Bug's firstmom at this point in her life is not interested nor capable of maintaining a relationship. I choose to keep her updated through the mediator, who knows how to get in touch with us and who knows how to get in touch with her. I have chosen (and Bug's first mom knows this) to not give her our current information directly because we live closer and until she can be trusted with the info based on changes she is currently working on, we can't take the risk that we are putting our family at risk. With Roo's first family, we are still in direct contact as there has been considerable steps taken to make better choices. I guess all that to say is that I would not CLOSE the relationships because I hope and pray that one day, they will be able to be in healthy open relationships with my kids. I want that door to stay open and I want, in the end, for my kids to know and their first families to know that we made the effort, even under trying circumstances to keep our commitments we made when we accepted the placement of the child. It's tough though... you have to do what is best for your child in these situations. In your case, would the birth aunt be willing to pass on general updates or be the person that at least holds your info in case their is a time your child's first mother would be able and ready to be a part of your life? Just a thought...

Thank you for all of your helpful input. To answer some questions posed: 1. Yes, we have already finalized the adoption. Baby is under 6 mos old. 2. No, there is no agency that could help us mediate the situation. We used a private adoption atty. He is unsupportive of open adoption in general. His view is that we should gradually stop contact with bmom anyway (even if the circumstances were not as they are, this is what he'd advocate). 3. We tried the idea of reaching out to the birth-aunt I mentioned (as well as to another birth-aunt and one of the b-grandmas). That is exactly what we had hoped for (and what we thought they wanted based on our conversations with them when baby was born). None of them have responded to our latest attempts at sending pics/updates. Plus, bmom has very troubled relationships with all 3 of these people. She is no longer living near them and I have no idea how often she is in touch. I am just so furious with her that I cannot imagine actually picking up the phone the next time she calls. Again, not wanting to reveal too much... but to fully understand this, I need to say that shortly after baby's birth (but past the post-birth window of time for continued living expense support in our state), bmom called us frantically (every 1/2 hour for a while on a few days) to ask that we provide our credit card info to a hotel manager so she would not be kicked out of where she was staying. Also, she told us openly about the illegal activities she was running from that very motel. Needless to say we did not finance this for her. We told her that legally we can no longer help her with living expenses. Every time I think about that series of calls, it makes me mad all over again. Its such a symbol of the poor choices she makes and how she puts the baby last. And a symbol of how much she used us in different ways during/after the pregnancy. But, on our part, we did allow it to go on and we should not have! Yes, as someone said, we did agree to the placement. Knowing on some level all the drama that would come with that. Or at least we should have. I think thats part of what I am upset about (in some ways, I wish we had backed out of this before baby was born). I know that sounds terrible to say... But this stuff with bmom is really negatively effecting my abilility to bond and connect with the baby. Its so sad!:( Anyway, again, thanks for the support and words to consider.

I completely understand the disappointment and anger from all this. I've felt it all as things have happened in the last 2 1/2 years since Bug came to us. The drama doesn't help you get to the normal you desire after finally becoming a parent. I know that part. But there's also the reality... some of us enter into relationships that require work. Should we put ourselves in danger? No. Will the feelings we have regarding our child's first family affect our relationship. They can, and that is specifically why I personally work hard to keep trying to understand where they're coming from, or how it happened to be that they got to this tough place, since I can't for the life of me imagine making those choices myself. It's a journey, and right now, you're going through the grieving period, partly anyways, that things didn't/haven't worked out the way you imagined. And that on top of the regular stuff of caring for, bonding with your child and adjusting to life with another person in your family, well, it's doubly hard. I know, as I'm going through it too. Hope things get easier. It sounds like you have gone the extra mile to try to keep contact. What I am doing right now is journaling and making a photo album for when I see her again, be it in a few months or when Bug is older. I hope it is sometime.

ess922, I have experienced something similar - only in my case it has been on another level as bmom COULD rescind the adoption - DID contest it - and continues to wreak havok in our lives. We are STILL in this mess after more than 4 years. Also, my husband was in Iraq during most of it. So yes, I absolutely understand your feeling this way. My own feelings of fear, anger, and betrayal made bonding more difficult. Stress, specifically severe stress such as this, makes day-to-day adjusting and bonding difficult. The resentment can not be allowed to "bleed over" to your child (and I don't think you're doing that) - but it is hard when there is so much anger and resentment. My strategy for getting through the toughest of the days was "fake it 'til you make it". Don't beat yourself up over this - many of us have felt this way and there are so many regrets and what-ifs and if-I-had-only-known. Do what is best for your child and your family. Be strong. You are in no way responsible for poor choices made by the bparent(s) but are responsible for keeping your child safe - never feel guilty about that. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm glad you have found a place of support - many of us have been where you are. Blessings. Christie S.

It has been really comforting to read your replies. Thank you! Its sad, but helpful to know that others have been in a similar place in their relationship with bparents. Just after I was on here last night, I checked my email and low and behold, bmom had written. 1/2 a sentence to ask us for access to some online pics. I emailed back immediately. Wanted to encourage email/mail contact. Of course, I got no reply to that email. But I did get a text message on my cell phone today, repeating the same question she'd emailed. Then, also in the mail today, I received back the letter I'd tried sending to her. Whoever opened it had written across the top of the letter that bmom is "living on the streets" and instructed us that we are never ever to send any mail to her at that address again. Its just so sad! I cannot take it. I am this close to changing my cell phone number, discontinuing that email address and being completely done with bmom. We moved since baby was born and will not give her our new address or home phone number. So the cell and email are all she has left as far as contacting us. I know I shouldn't cut her off like that and I'm not sure I could actually go through with it. But the temptation is there. Because today is a perfect example. Every which way I try to reach out to her does not work and it just leaves me so frustrated. Geez, now I know I am rambling. Very sorry! I'll stop now. But really, thanks again for all the support. It is incredibly meaningful to me.

Ess...there are on line sites that are free that you can post pics on. Its like your own free web site. You can put text (updates) and pics as well as design your pages. you can use this website to keep all members of your family updated with pics...as well as let the bmom know and she can check it out whenever she can. . Its fun and its usable by more than just the bmom. PM me if you want to the name of a free site so you can check it out. P.S. the web sites are easy to do. Take care warm wishes...MamaTo6

ess922, I understand your ambivalence about changing your numer and e-mail address. It seems like you are wanting to both keep yourself safe and free yourself from some of this stress and at the same time allow for future correspondence and the possibility that things may change down the road. I really admire you. I think there are several ways you can do both of those. One is the free website as listed by the above poster. Another is to hire a mediator through which phone calls and pics can be sent. Another is to open a P.O. Box and give her that address to let you know where she can be reached and then you make the decision on how/when to respond. Another is to hire an attorney as mediator. Another is to hire an agency as mediator. On and on I could go - but one thing seems certain at this point - you are not feeling comfortable and safe with her having your e-mail and phone number. CHANGE THEM. Do not feel guily about protecting yourself from this kind of stress. But I agree - do something to allow for correspondence - just make it something which you are comfortable with. I also would not completely cut off contact with the birthmom - but it needs to be healthy contact for all of you. Please - don't let the stress get to the point where you are so resentful that it interferes with your bonding or parenting or just daily life. You can fix it before it gets to that point. Best wishes. Christie S.

If she generally lives in the same area, have you considered paying for a PO Box for her, so she always has a place to pick up the updates? And, what about a PO Box for you so she can mail you letters? Anything that you send (to any address for her) make sure you make and keep a copy of it at home, just in case it never makes it to her you'll ahve them for later. Copy the letter and copies of pictures. Another positive to doing this is the ability to show your child at a later date all the things you did send, that sending them did matter to you... which could some day matter to your child. Another poster mentioned online photo albums, this is also an option. Shutterfly (as well as other's I'm sure) have web sites that you can sign up for that you can post pictures to, it's free. You can choose the web address. I can hear your exhaustion, I hope you are able to find a solution.

Well, I took lots of the suggestions here to heart. I wrote an email to bmom (thanks to the person I PM'd for feedback, it helped a lot!) letting her know what would be willing to do to establish mail and email contact with her. Offered to set up and regularly maintain a website, offered to mail letters and pics to another address for her as long as she gave us some proof that she could actually receive mail at that address (she moves around too much for a PO box in one particular area). Did not offer to set up a PO box where she can write to us. Said she could start by writing to us c/o the adoption atty. Want to see if she could even follow through on that. But here's the most telling part, we already have pics up on one of the photo-sites. Its password protected there. She has been frantically text messaging me all week asking for the password (which we gave her months ago when we originally posted the pics). Its not all that hard -- we had specifically made it easy for her to remember, baby's initials and birthdate. But anyway, every time she'd text message me from a different phone asking for the password IMMEDIATELY, marking most of the messages as URGENT. We answered the first one and sent the password in an email. But kept receiving more messages from her. Finally, I just said back that we'd already provided it and to check her email. And the main thing I stressed in the email is that we want to know from her that she is viewing the pictures. All, she has to to do is let us know she is seeing them and we'd post new ones. As I titled this post -- its a non-update. Because, do you think she wrote back to let us know she got the password and read our letter to her? Of course not.