seeking advice from moms/birthmoms

i would see what exactly the sex offense is. a sex offender is someone who had sex when they were 18, with a 17 year old. i recently watched a show about it but cant remember the details...i know the point of it was that many "sex offenders" are not really bad people but the law is the law. if it turns out that he really is a bad guy, maybe you all have visits where the children arent alone with him? or not in your home, but in public? sounds like if the birthmom is controlled by the birthfather, if he gets upset she may be too scared to go against him, or he may hurt her. thats a tough one. good luck!

if indeed he has been found guilty by a jury of his peers...i would wonder why you are even pondering this ...i am a bmom...i wanted my twins to have a safe happy life..in a loving enviroment...the bmom surely feels this way...good luck

I wouldn't allow the partner to come with. Pictures and letters, well I can't see anything wrong with that. Do you even know if this guys offense was against a child? Not every sex offender offends against a child, so I wouldn't get too worked up about him "profiling" your daughter to be or whatever unless that is the case.

You know, you're right it is a courtesy, but I hate the whole be good and do what I say thing or you can't see your child. That is low in alot of ways, using a child to manipulate an adult being the lowest. Someone may respond negatively to that at first and then given some time to think, may agree. I don't see why everything has to be so quick and judgemental. This shouldn't be about getting a firstmom out of anyone's life, this should be about building a good healthy relationship, which may take some time if this woman hasn't had the healthiest relationships to role model.

Nicely said Belle :)

If he is an actual OFFENDER (like the other post said, he could have been 18 and had a 16 year old girl friend years ago and be required to register) I would not only NOT let him near the child, I would not allow any pictures of my child to be delivered to a home where he might look at them, and I would very seriously consider the judgement of a woman who makes a life for herself with such a person. I am sorry if that sounds "judgemental", but I really think if we are talking about a rapist or pediphile, we need to judge to some degree to protect our children.

May be he is a child molester, may be he was 18 with a 16 year old girlfriend. However, he might also be a prowler rapist who likes to rape 21 year old women outside of night clubs. If that's so, he still needs to keep away from *anyone* you want to keep safe, young or old. Secondly, if you are concerned about the company your child's bmother keeps, try having visits in a neutral, child-friendly place like the zoo or Chucky Cheese's. If he is a child molester, then he would be violating parole to go any where near those places, nevermind join in the visit. Then, if he shows up, you can just call him parole officer and get him hauled off. Be careful about what your child sees. If you make her feel like her birthfather is a wicked monster, she might come to feel like demon seed. So, please, try to strike a balance between protecting her, and making sure she doesn't feel bad about her genetic heritage. Children can be so sensitive.

Just my 2 cents worth here. Why was the child removed from the home? Was this a voluntary thing for them to do or was the child put in foster care to protect it from the parents? If that's the case neither of them should see her no matter how nice they are. If the man is a registered sex offender you should probably find out what he did and why he had to register and if it was a violent sex crime or child rape etc. He might have only gotten involved with a girl a few years younger than he was that happened to be under 18 when he wasn't. That happens. I know that the courts can be really STUPID when it comes to ages of people getting together. If a 16 year old involves with a 18 or 19 year old. That shouldn't constitute being a "sex offender" or have to register as one. 16 year old hormones can sometimes be really out of control and the "older man" (a 18 or 19 year old) can be really apealing. Then the parents get involved and all hell breaks loose and the boy is the one blamed for the relationship as if the girl had no say so and no personal control in a "boyfriend girlfriend" situation. That's what happened to my boyfriend who got me pregnant when I was 16. He was 19 and my dad had him prosecuted and he was labeled as a sex offender and has a statutory rape on his record for life. I think that's wrong. If that's all the father of the child did that got him having to register as a sex offender he probably isn't dangerous to any child in that respect. Before jumping to conclusions about him and what he'd do to your child, it would probably be a very good idea to have a background check done and find out exactly what he's done. You can pay for that to be done and then maybe your fears can be put to rest or you can know that you NEED to keep your child away from him. Either way it would be a good idea to have that done for your own piece of mind. But I do want to say one thing, please forgive me but the phrase someone said, "If she does respond negatively ot your request I would gently remind her that you do not have to let her see your child at all and that this is a courtesy to her.JMO." is one of the reasons I have such a thing against adoption open or not because that is the way that adoptive parents seem to feel that it's a "courtesy" and not something that was agreed upon when there is an open adoption. It shouldn't be a "courtesy" in an open adoption. It should be what is expected to be done by the adoptive parents because an open should be and open adoption. A girl giving her child to someone with the understanding it was open and she would have certain things given her and time with her child and all the other "agreements" prior to placing the child shouldn't ever be considered "courtesy" but "obligation" by the adoptive parents. That's why they were able to adopt that particular child in the first place if it was done as an open adoption. The adoptive parents should remember that. JMO But anyway... I would seriously look into this man's background and get peace of mind one way or the other and then you'll know what to do about the visits. Rylee

Rylee i am an adoptive parent and i certainly dont think that it is a "courtesy" to our dds birthmother to see her,,,,, i feel that it is our dds right to get to know her birthfamily..... so please dont lump us all in together..... having to restrict the visits for the safety of the child should be in my opinion first and foremost in anyones mind!!!!!If we have to restrict visits for our dds welbeing and safety then that is what we would have to do.... every situation is different as are we all,,,, so please be careful with these statements as not everyone thinks its a "courtesy" to honour a contact agreement.... (some of us struggle like hell to make it work even when like in our case we have been lied to numerous times with many false accusations)... we take our contact agreement very seriously and believe me when i say we have put up with more than we should of....I dont think that all birthmothers are the same,,,please dont think that all adoptive parents are the same too.

Proudmum, I'm sorry you were offended. I didn't just say that, someone posted that statement about it being a "courtesy" to "let" them see the child. That's a statement I've heard for years from numerous adoptive parents who believe that way. I also have seen adoptive parents who run off and hide from the birth mother for no other reason than jealously because they didn't like how close the child was getting to her and didn't feel the "confusion" was right for "their" child. That is not a good enough reason to stop contact. It's not harmful to the child to get close to their birth mother or birth family if they are being good to them and there's no abuse and no trying to interfere with your rules for the child. But it's used as a reason to stop contact all the time. I also believe that the child's safety should come first and IS also the most important thing is the scheme of things, but it's always the adoptive parents who have the right to decide that and if they decide without any real evidence that their child is in danger. When/if the adoptive parents chose not to let the birth mother see the child and accuse them of being harmful to the child there's not a whole lot she can do about it. The birth mother has to either fight it in court which she may not have the financial means to do or just walk away and cry because she can't do anything. You're right not all adoptive parents feel the same way. And not all birth mothers feel the same either. I wasn't trying to say all adoptive parents felt the same or did the same thing. I know better. But it is one of the reasons that I am so against adoption because the adoptive parents have all the power and control and CAN if they choose to, hold it over that girl and stop her from seeing her child for any reason at all and can accuse her of things she may not be doing and the courts would beleive them. I've dealt with the courts in other situations and I know how they are. Even in my own situation, my daughter who is over 30 years old is STILL being controlled by her adoptive mother and that woman has ALL the control over my daughter's and my relationship. My daughter and I can't have an open relatiohship or open contact. We haven't had that right for a long time. My daughter has had to sneak to talk to me because of her adoptive mother's threats of taking her out of her will if she contacts me or talks to me at any time in the future. If she knew my daughter was still occationally emailing me or IM'ing me my daughter would lose everything. When I post something here, I don't mean to insult anyone or say anything to cause problems. I don't want to start a war over anything I say. That's not my intention. I just have my very strong opinions about adoption mostly based on my own situation and watching other people in my life and reading things other people talk about concerning adoption and how they feel about things. Sometimes I read things that really strike nerves with me. I think everyone does now and then don't they? I'm sure a lot of times when something has struck a nerve with me it isn't intentionally said by the person TO strike a nerve with me or anyone else but just speaking their minds too. I hope you know what I mean. Rylee

Somewhere along the line this thread took the position that the bmoms husband is the bdad, which he might be; however, that was not how it was worded in the original post. I would talk to the bmother. If he is not the bdad, and is her current husband, why does he need to be present for the visits? Even if the birthsibling is this husband's child, they would not allow him around a child if he had an offense against children. We used to have a neighbor with one son that had to register as a sex offender. He had committed a crime against a 14 year old girl, when he was 18. It was not rape (or any form of sex, but it was inappropriate for him to be doing anything with a 14 year old). He had a 13 year old brother, and he had to move in with his grandmother because he was no longer allowed to be in the home with the younger brother once he registered as an offender. I would talk to the bmom about it. Explain your concerns. I also think a neutral location like Chuck E. Cheese is a great idea.

rylee,i was refering to your sentence that stated quote"adoptive parents seem to feel that its a courtesy" just wanted to point out that this was a generalisation that we dont all fit into and to please just be careful about those sorts of things... anyway this thread was started in 2006 and its highly likely that the o.p does not even know that its active again,,,,, hopefully everything worked out the best for everyone concerned

Proudmum, Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since the thread started. I wonder what happened in that situation. I do tend to generalize sometimes. I really mean no offense and I'm hoping that people who get to know me in this group will know that I'm never meaning any offense to anyone and that a lot of times I'm just steaming off or maybe just saying something that I feel about certain subjects that hits a nerve with me. I truely don't mean to offend anyone. I could have put the word, "some adoptive parents" instead of the way I put it. I've had my face reaaranged once for saying the word, "If" instead of "because" when refering to the man I was going out with doing something for me. I said, "IF you loved me you should understand..." instead of "Because you love you should understand..." and that got me beaten up for the wrong word being said. I didn't mean it the way HE took it and no matter how much I tried to explain it didn't matter. If he'd known me better he would have known what I was saying and it wouldn't have caused so much trouble. It's just something I have a problem with sometimes. My wording. Yes I do feel more adoptive parents feel anything they do for the first mother is a "courtesy" but I know not all do. I should have put that in there. But I'm hoping that people here will not get offended by something like that when I don't use the right words or put enough words in to make the complete thought or whatever is going on. I like this group. I'm never wanting to offend. But I know it's going to happen anyway but truely it's not meant. Rylee

rylee,,, i understand ,,, i sometimes say things that come out the wrong way so i do understand..... sooo frustrating when you dont mean it that way... lol,,,, hopefully you have healed now from that terrible man,,, i know that your spirit can be awfully crushed in situations like this ,,, hopefully yours has recovered.... best wishesproudmum....

Hm...that is a predictament...I'm a birthmom and have been for 2 years. I placed my daughter with a couple I lived with in foster care. I was 17 when I placed and I have grown to have a great relationship with them, they say I'm their daughter to strangers! its great. I think the fact the birthmom married someone like that, you can't really judge becuse now a days anyone could be called a sex offender, and you don't know the situation, but because you don't know, I understand why you have to be causcious. I understand you also want to keep the birthmom's connection and feelings in consideration also. I think that if you decide to do visits, let the birth mother know your conern. That is one thing I can say about my adoptive couple...we have an open and honest realtionship. The adoptive mom has a blk and wht personality and tells me her concerns, fears, joys, everything. I think it helps our relationship. Phrase your words carefully tho. Say something along the lines of what you desire her relationship to be with your daughter, what your concerns are, and how you should go about solving them so that she gets to establish a relationship, but you also know that your daughter is safe. Hope this has been helpful.