Birthmoms from the 1960's please respond

Sorry for butting in here, as I'm not a birth mom, but I was pregnant in the 60s. (Shotgun wedding took care of the single bit ... for a while...)Where you were had a lot to do with how you were treated back then, so the area she lived in would be an important factor.All in all, though, many didn't tell. My mom had arranged a home for unwed mothers for me, and that was her thought at the time ... I'd be away for a while, then come back as if nothing had happened. Two of my best friends were pregnant at the same time. One chose to parent, the other relinquised. We were in a small town, so doing this without anyone finding out would be difficult.I don't think this has much to do with whether or not a birth mom would be open to reunion, though. That would depend on other factors. It's not a reason not to search.Just mho, of course.(I've GOT to order this book!)

Oh wow, thanks Jenna :)

Hi,I'm a birth mom from 1968. My parents made it clear I could never come home again, if I didn't do this. It was socially taboo. I was made to feel like an outcast, worthless and a disappointment. I was in a maternity home for 6 months, and no one knew of it except my parents, sister and one good freind. His adoption was through Children's Home Society. When did I think of him? Everyday for 38 years.The good news is, in August I received the call from the agency that he was looking for me! I can't begin to tell you the emotions when she told me who she was and why she was calling. I always felt I had no right to him or his life because that is what they told us. We had several long phone conversations and met just a week ago. He had been looking for me for 7 years, which was distressing for me since the information in my file should have made it much easier and faster. This has been my hope for 38 years and it has happened. We have a long way to go. It was a great relief to tell my brothers, but the hardest part was to tell my son he has a brother.He hasn't met my family yet, but we're talking about it. My hope for 38 years has been to know him, and it has happened and it's truly a blessing!

"mom of 2,Hey I seem to be posting you a lot. lolI tried to put this out to be discussed, the reasons why the 60's and earlier birth mothers did not want to be found but it resulted in anger, resentment and feelings of persecution on the part of some adoptees, with me as the focus ( hyptothetical situations, not ME, you understand) of the "evil birth mother".Coercion ( sp) can come in many forms, and society was at the heart of coercing bmothers to relinquish.It was not acceptable back then to give birth out of wedlock and the bmothers and children were villified if they did keep their children.There was no support for the women or children either, financially or emotionally. We were "bad" and that was that. The child was "suspect".I know many women who never told a soul that they were pregnant and hid until it was over. I also know many women whose family helped keep them hidden and the secret buried forever. We were told back then that no decent man would have us after what we had done, and if a man did, he would use it against us during our marriage. Thus, even the husband would not know that his wife gave birth previous to their marriage.As much as society has changed over the years, some women just will not change with it. They dealt with the fact of the pregnancy and relinquishment and put that secret firmly into a place where it cannot be accessed either by them or anyone else.Now we go on to not just the woman and her husband but the children. The children of these women didn't know either. And from what the women tell me, they never will. They don't want their children to see their mother as anything but the perfect mother that did no wrong.So you see how deep the secret is. Families would have a difficult time indeed, if they divulged their "secret". I do know that the women I have talked to do think about the child they relinquished but have very few people to talk to about it.Because I connected with my daughter, I've even offered to help them, but, am firmly told "no".I think things are different up here in Canada to the USA about medical conditions. Even back in the sixties, we were asked about the medical history of both parents and speaking for myself, I answered honestly and gave as much as I could tell. Doesn't seem to be the case in the USA from what I've read, as most as wanting to know their medical histories.So, that part for us, wouldn't be a factor in looking for the child we relinquished. I couldn't say " well, what about medical history, don't you think you owe the child that?" As far as not knowing the child's father. Yeah, I remember the 60's of love. I was a flower child myself and there will be some that don't know the father. Is that a factor? Could be they think of that as a shame and don't want to admit it. I don't know.There are other "secret's "about paternity also, rape, incest mental illness in the family that some women won't want to deal with either and could think " well the child certainly doesn't need to know that".I"m sure this is again going to open a HUGE can of worms with your questions, but, since you did ask, I thought I would tell you what I know from experience.dmca

Just a reminder – again – please refrain from speaking for an entire group of people. Those that you are attempting to speak for become offended by the false words being put into their mouth by others. If you want to share how things went for you specifically, please feel free to do so – but using words like “we all felt” and ‘all birthmothers from that era” really do a huge disservice to the adoption community as a whole. Its frustrating to have to keep reminding members about this…and we’re having to do it far to often.

Do read The Girls Who Went Away. It paints a clear picture of the times. I was 18 unmarried and pregnant in 1970. My roomates in the maturnity home had eggs thrown at them while walking to the store- just like in the book. After that we walked in the alleys- its a miricle we wern't killed in that neighborhood. However I had forgotten about that until I read the book because losing my child to adoption overshadowed everything. I was happy to have contact with my daughter in 2004, however I can understand why some would shy away. Certain people in my life had to be told and even though I don't care about appearances- it was still difficult for me to get the words out because it is such an emotional thing. I suggest that anyone making contact with a birthmom from this era take it easy and get to know each othera little bit first. While some painful questions have to be addressed- be kind when asking. Time does not heal all wounds. This is from my own experience. I was delighted to have grandsons but my daughter has withdrawn so now I have lost them also. I suggest that until you know if there is going to be an ongoing relationship- a picture or two of your babies will do. Again this is from my own experience.

If you check back there was a thread in this forum a while back about did you feel coerced into relinquishing your child? While some of the post are from younger bmoms some of us old gals posted also. You might look for it.

Oh no, now I have to hear that I'm an "ole gal"! Yes, I am and got a good laugh out of that! I'm new to this stuff of actually talking about "those days" and it feels good to know I'm not alone in all my fears and memories. Thank you to all that understand.I have a question that is hard to ask, and I've debated over it all morning and finally realized it's ok.Any of you "ole gals" (yuck) have the experience of taking care of your child for 10 days in the maternity home before the adoption agency came to get them?This has been a painful memory for so long. Thanks to the lady who suggested the book "The Girls Who Went Away". I ordered it this morning. I can't believe I've never heard of it, since I've been mentally tuned in to this subject for 38 years. Funny how our minds work.Thanks to everyone, it's comforting to know your not alone. martha

I didn't place in the closed adoption era but I am recently finished reading "The Girls Who Went Away" and I also suggest it. This is the interpretation I got of the times, based on reading that book: One commonality I noticed addresses the question you asked re if the young women told anyone they were pregnant. The stories would suggest that for the most part they either told their parents or their parents figured it out, and the parents then arranged for the maternity home. Maternity homes were not cheap from what I read. In some cases, they were ready to marry with the Father but the parents did not approve and they were led to believe they had to place. As far as their community beyond family members, I got the distinct impression that it was a "don't ask don't tell" situation. In other words, most people knew that she wasn't gone to "take care of a sick Aunt" but nobody was about to say anything. From what I read, most birthmoms welcomed future contact but in some cases would not initiate it because they had been told at the time of placement that they must never ever search. Being coerced...yeah I think so but much different from today. I got from reading the stories that many women felt they had no option and would have to do as their parents said and this went on even into the early 20's age range. Also, it seemed that many were being told if they did try to change their minds that they had to pay a huge bill for the maternity home before they could have their baby. I found the book interesting from a historical perspective and very emotional. I would recommend it to anyone.

[FONT=Fixedsys]Sorry I didn't answer your entire question. Yes, I want a relationship with my child. She is my baby! Ocasionally I read in the adoptee forum that some bmoms don't want contact so it can happen that way. [/FONT][FONT=Fixedsys][/FONT] [FONT=Fixedsys]In the closed era a large portion of us didn't want go with the adoption. It was expected and often fourced. The hardest thing for me has been letting go once found.[/FONT]

A a birthmother from 1968...I, too, would reccommend Ann Fessler's book "The Girls Who went Away". The climate was so different then and many of us felt powerless and voiceless. I could identify with many of the stories of the women interviewed. Also, I wish your husband much luck if he choses to search. Remember, many of us birthmom's from the 60's felt or still feel that we don't have a right to interfer in our son's or daughter's lives - we would love to know them and their families...but are fearful that we would be turned away. I think he could make someone very happy.... Grace Reunited with my son born in 1968 for 26 months.

Because your husband's mother was 22, her story may be entirely different from many of those in "The Girls Who Went Away." I was the same age when I gave birth in 1969, and I did not go to a "home," nor did I feel any of the lack of control that comes through so strongly in the stories Ann Fessler tells. Here is what it was like for me. I was in college away from my home town, had my own apartment. I did not have to tell anyone except the father, and I didn't. I dropped all courses except an independent study course, and I didn't go home to see my parents after about the sixth month. I found my own doctor, arranged for the adoption myself, and everyone treated me very professionally at the doctor's office and in the hospital. It was not NEARLY as traumatic for me as for many during that time. I did not feel coerced; that concept didn't even seem relevant. This was simply how things were - if you were pregnant and not married, the thing to do was to arrange an adoption. You expected that he would be much better off in a two parent family. I thought about my son often through the years and believed that he would find me if he wanted to. Seven years ago he did, and I was very glad. OF COURSE I wanted a relationship - I love him very much and I now have two wonderful grandchildren. I have no other children, and this has enriched my life immeasurably. What would make a birthmom NOT want to be found? I think some of them are still feeling the shame they felt in the sixties and this brings it back to them. My husband knew about my son, but some women have never told their husbands or their other children, and they are afraid to. (That is the problem with my son's father - he never told his wife or other children and wants nothing to do with our son.) I hope your husband does search and find. I wish you both all the best.

Thank you so very much! I would also like to find out who else my son is related to. There are medical things with both my son and husband that are clearly from his side.

There were several women in their twenties in the maturnity home where I was and one that looked around fourty-five years old. Parents really didn't have to help you at all if you were over eighteen and no one was going to hire you. Of course everyone had their own unique circumstances.

For those of you have read The girls who went away, you may be interested in knowing it received the National Book Critic Circle nomination for best non-fiction in 2006.Ann's work is major as it has opened the door for many adotped people and their mothers to feel safe enough to begin their search for each other. I am so happy that Ann's work has been acknowledged by this prestigious group.