Still Living in the Past

Hi my name is Brandi i was placed in to foster care at the age of 4 tilli was seventeen i finally found a family after going through 21 homes...i was rapped repeadtly so i know what ur going threw only i nvr told ne one till 4 yrs later .....its hard to over come the hard times in you life. I found strength in writing singin and dont laugh but tlkin about these things with a counsaler belive i hated to talk about the past really it honestly works it hard to talk about them but eventuallu it just comes right out its like becoming a whole new person ....ull also find that its easier to have one really good friend u cant talk to about these things to cuz once u become an adult like me ur on ur own and life hurts when u dont resolve what hurts ..i hope the best for you evrything will b ok:grouphug:

Talking to a therapist that specializes in trauma would really help. There are physiological reasons for your reactions. A therapist can help you understand and process it.

Wow is that ever the truth! I know this is an old thread, but just in case anyone else new to this site (like me) is browsing, I can't say enough good things about therapy. I know you hate or hated it! BTDT! For years, I resisted it. I went because I had too, I was very closed minded and full of self-pity, and loathing. That's just normal. Your in the program, your hearing all the words, in one ear - out the other. And one day BAM It hits you! It makes total sense! You GET it!For those that remember therapy, remember when your councilor would say a certain phrase that just made you Look up. Wow.. that clicked! "Yea.. I always thought that, but I didn't think anyone was listening!" Guess what - They are listening, and they can't read your mind. "Thinking it" isn't the same as saying it! I "broke out of my shell", as they call, it at 15. For me, it was more like - exploded! "Here I am world, Look out, because you ain't seen nothin yet!" Talk about ppl running for cover! LOL Control Me? HA, I think not! The things you hear, but don't "get" until you actually "GET IT":♥ Foster care isn't something I did! ♥ Foster care isn't an excuse!!! ♥ Foster care isn't a reflection of ME! ♥ Foster care IS an opportunity to prove to the world that I am JUST as good, if not BETTER, at achievements and doing the extraordinary.♥ Be selective and selfish about the things that bother you and;♥ Don't waste energy on things that arn't! It's just not worth it!Think about it! Few people get such a rare opportunity to really show the power of the human spirit then those that have come out of FC. If you embrace such a challenge, and take it on, nothing you do from then on will seem so out of reach. You have SO MUCH to offer! So much hope, so many dreams, and you instinctively have a free-spirit that others never had. You have an advantage! I know..sounds weird, but it works!But most importantly: ♥ Never forget your past! No matter how traumatic. But instead of letting it get to you, flip it over, and remember the things you did to overcome adversity. I bet if you think really hard, you have LOTS to be proud of! A word on social anxieties:They do not, and will not go away without some kind of help. They only get worse. It's like your in a leaky boat in the middle of a lake with nobody around to help you. Eventually...well, you get the idea.I still see a theorist regularly, yes, even at 20. I still have lots of issues with "people" in general, esp men, being hyper-sensitive, not feeling comfortable in crowds or large gatherings, etc etc. But without my therapist, and friends - may little boat would have sank a long time ago.Ok, enough of me rambling on and on. I need to pass my exams, and unless this forum can help me remember the latin names of six hundred and thirty nine muscles in human body, I need to get back to the books. :coffee:Tara

Tara, do you think your foster family could've done anything different to help you? I have two FD's that were severely neglected prior to coming into care (they are young, but I am sure there will be longterm affects) and their first foster home wasn't exactly one that allowed them learn to deal with their past. We read age appropriate books about foster care and talk about things regularly. The books seem to be the most helpful for the girls, I get comments like "oh that is like me!" and then obviously it causes more in depth conversation. My heart breaks for them and I want to do my best to help them work through this and know it isn't their fault.

wow.. that's a good question and i don't know honestly. Even at a young age, I heard all the "its not about you" and "everything will work out fine" lines. In fact, I became immune or numb to hearing it, I heard them so often. More like...yea yea yea. Your the grown up, you have to say that. Hearing support phrases ins't the same as feeling them inside, and understanding them. I think what helped me the most in my last foster home, was being allowed to make mistakes, being allowed to have a voice and opinion about what "I" think is best for "me". Not what the system think's in best. And having a foster parent stand behind me, supporting what "I" think meant the most - even if I were dead wrong! It told me that I mattered and unlike some homes I was in, I wasn't just a "case number" or some humanitarian project worth "rescuing". Sounds odd, but some of the rules of FC sometimes contradict the natural learning process. I think kids learn more though action then words. When they are "protected" from making mistakes, even something simple, they won't learn the true meaning of the consequences. "Everything will work out" is meaningless - unless it does. And when it doesn't, the phrase (and others like it) loses all it's value. So don't say it unless your absolutely sure. When have you been absolutely sure about anything in FC? :) I'm not a parent, but i think it's OK to let kids mess up and make mistakes. Any kid, not just kids in FC. It's when they don't learn from the mistakes is when you should worry because that may be a learning disability - or a lack of respect for the action. But at least then you have something to work on. Also, just a suggestion, but maybe sometimes its better not to have all the answers to some questions, but rather the compassion and patients to just listen and hear what's really being said. That alone means a lot. The "question" itself may just be a way to open a conversation. If you give an answer right away, you may be closing the conversation before it even gets started. Understand? It's hard to explain. But.... i tried. that counts. :) Tara

You may not be a parent, but you are going to make a really good one. Your post is insightful and I agree 100%.

Glad to hear of the happy ending but sorry about the effects of what happened. I was abused myself but not as extreme as your situation. I though have problems with post traumatic stress disorder and have nightmares and so on. I've met with a docter and fo a a good medicine setup to help out. Talking about it helps but for me it helped more to share my story than go through therapy. Alot have of people have had really bad different childhood experiences but it's amazing how many can relate or have gone through similar things themselves.

I was in foster care and have pieces of a memory that implies I was molested violently. It as well as being molested by my adoptive grandfather still affect my spouse and I. I struggle living in the past too. Finding my birthfamily members has opened up my eyes and let me realize that the family I have with my spouse, my children, and my spouse's family are all I need. It isn't easy. There are no magic fixes for what we have been through. Find someone you trust to speak with. Someone who isn't there to judge you or the other people but who is there to help you understand what happened. I am here if you want to talk. I am only learning some of this very hard lesson as of late. I am 33...and it has been a long time coming that I have been trying to figure out what I was missing. Why did I feel like somehow I didn't measure up? Do you ever feel that way? I am sorry that you have been through the harshness that you have. For those who haven't they will never understand. You are on the right path as you are searching for someone to help...Keep up the good job!

Every one says it's about acceptance. Going through things as a child definitely effects you more because as a child you don't know how to handle the situation. Then for years you repeat the same things and eventually it becomes habit. I'm having a hard time when I there is a "trigger", taking a deep breath and realizing that this doesn't have to effect me. I think it's training your body to over come something you originally trained it to do in the first place.

Beautifully said. That is great advice for all parents, I think :)