Choosing placement...twice

I made the decision to place twice and both turned out fairly well. I chose adoption over abortion those times not because I am opposed to abortion, but because I enjoy the pregnancy experience and didnt see any reason to end it just because I didnҒt want to parent again. I was the teen that made money walking dogs and mowing lawns because I wanted nothing to do with babysitting. I had enough of that with my younger siblings, thank you. I was 17 when I got pregnant the first time. I hade been on the 90 day Depo shot for a year and a half and got pregnant in what was week 8 of the 12 week shot. Were still not sure if it was a fluke or a bad batch. The whole thing was easy as pie. She delivered on her due date (9-5-2001) and went home with me the next day. The PPD that hit 7 weeks later was horrific and I spent several months wanting to kill her every time she screamed until the meds finally kicked in and chased away the temporary craziness. I begged the docs to tie my tubes but they refused. I was too young. Second pregnancy҅I was using Lunelle Injections, a monthly contraceptive shot. Did you know that penicillin based antibiotics could negate birth control? So did I. Did you know that Zithromax is penicillin based? Nope, I didnt either, but it is and my doc prescribed it knowing that I was sexually active and only using hormonal birth control and didnҒt warn me. My own fault for not questioning him more closely. I was in school for medical assisting then and working nights after class so that my daughters father and I could juggle her while staying true to our desire to keep her out of daycare those first few years. A few months after the Zithromax incident, we were learning how to do ғquantitative Beta HCG tests. In a qualitative beta, you see yes or no to the presence of HCG. Ina quantitative, you put the blood under a microscope and count. Everyone contributed blood and we switched them around so no one knew whose they got or even if the donor was male or female and we started looking. Well, there were three known pregnancies in the class and 4 slides with countable HCGԅEvery girl in the class had another blood draw so we could find the culprit. It was me of course and our count indicated that I was about 10 weeks in which corresponded exactly with the Zithromax doses. The next day, in a frantic call to my OB, I was assured that my dose of Lunelle hadnt hurt the fetus. We discussed pregnancy vs. abortion at that point in the pregnancy. It was still possible but rougher than if I had known sooner. I chose to carry and it was another easy pregnancy. I picked an agency almost immediately and had narrowed it down to 3 profiles which I read daily. The agency told me that I had to pick one before I could talk to them and I was torn because they also told me that ғno one would do the fully-disclosed adoption that I wanted. The best I could hope for was semi-open with everything relayed through them and possibly one agency supervised visitԅ I picked a couple two weeks before my due date and then delivered at 39 weeks (7-28-2003) instead of 40 weeks. I met them in the hospital and things went from there. I did not get PPD after the placementstrange. We had our first visit when that munchkin was a year old. I was pregnant again already from another birth control mishap this time combined with a condom break. I didnŒt tell them at the visit. I was going to email them when I got home but a-mom beat me to it and announced her own pregnancy. There went the idea of placing with them again I quickly found a different agency and picked a couple. They had an older son, were willing to have a fully-disclosed adoption, let me read their home study, and drove 7 hours to meet me before delivery. The visit was great and they were great with my daughter. The p-a-mom came to an appointment with me and my OB wheeled in the portable US machine to take a picture for her. I also found out about their failed placement prior to the match with me and reassured them that I had done this before and knew I could do it again. This time, I went over term and when my induction was scheduled, I called to let them know. They waited in the hall while I delivered (on 11-12-2004) and got to see their daughter almost immediately. The a-dad was enthralled because he got to bottle feed the baby since their son had been entirely breast fed. The hospital gave them a room for bonding. About a month post-partum, I had a visit with the first a-family and explained via letter mixed into the pile of pictures about the pregnancy and placement. They were hurt that I hadnŒt talked to them before hand (but I was concerned about artificial twinning) but were too excited about their baby due in a few months to really worry. That relationship progressed to include 3 to 4 visits a year though its still not fully disclosed. The other has fewer visits since they are farther away, only one so far but we communicate often in other ways. For me, the decision to place the first time was hard but the second placement was easier. I donҒt mind pregnancy but I still like older children much better than babies. I do not want another baby for me. I think when my munchkin is oldersay 10 or so, I would like to do foster care or foster-adopt with a child between the ages of potty training and puberty but not a baby. I also enjoyed my pregnancies and seeing families that I helped create so much that I have decided to do a gestational surrogacyŅthe parents will be genetically linked to the baby and all I have to do is carry. Back in June 2006, I did an IVF cycle and gained a greater understanding of what some a-parents go through prior to choosing adoption. The transfer of two embryos made from eggs 20 years older than I am, fertilized in a dish, and frozen for 4 months was successful but resulted in a missed-miscarriage, my first ever, which required a D&C. The embryos were genetically abnormal and couldnt have lived. So with that same couple, the journey continues. We hope for another transfer, fresh this time in December or January. Life goes on. My daughter is attending private kindergarten this year and the others are in my thoughts but it is in a good way, bittersweet sometimes but for the most part, my memories of them are good and I know that when we part after a visit, it is ғuntil we meet again not ԓgoodbye forever. Open adoption is hard. Those visits are hard but they are worth it, absolutely. ItԒs not something to be hidden or my little secret; it just is part of who I am today. And it is something I would choose again if faced with another unplanned pregnancyexcept maybe I would try an independent match instead of an agencyŅ