Part 2 of My Story

October 9, 2006

So, a lot of people wonder why I had and placed another daughter for adoption and why both my daughters weren't placed in the same afamily, so here's the rest of the story with the answers to those questions.

After I had and placed my 3 1/2 yr old for adoption, I was going to counseling and doing everything I was suppose to and I felt like everything was okay, but then I started to fall into a black hole of depression - it's the best way I can describe it when I think back on it now. So, I felt stuck in this black hole and didn't know how to get out and I wasn't healing or making progress like I should have been or like I wanted to so I was in a vulnerable state when I re-entered the dating scene and I shouldn't have.

So, I began dating again and ended up with a guy, who was worse than the first guy that was the bdad to my 3 1/2 year old. He manipulated me, messed with my head, pressured me into sex, abused me emotionally and verbally, he was close and on the verge of physical abuse a few times. I wasn't any stranger to abuse so I knew what he was doing because I'd been abused by my ex-husband back when I was married for about 8 months from Aug 2000 to April 2001 before I got divorced.

And yet, I stayed in the mess because I knew it, I was drawn to it in some sick way and repeating a cycle of unhealthy behavior over and over that I hadn't realized at the time, but that I did soon after I broke up with this guy with the help of a very skilled counselor I went to. So, I was in this unhealthy cycle with this guy I was dating and I was hoping and praying, waiting for my period one month - can't remember if it was February or March around then - because I was going to break up with this guy and leave if I wasn't pregnant that's what I had decided, but then as I feared, I found out I was pregnant and then I was at a loss as to what to do because it was the second time I found myself in that situation of being unwed and pregnant and I didn't know if I could go through with placing another child for adoption or not at that point in time.

So, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive and I went over to this guy's house and showed him the test when I told him I was pregnant so he couldn't deny it like my first daughter's bdad had done. To my surprise, when I showed this guy the positive pregnancy test, he was all happy and he was like, oh I had a feeling you were pregnant and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and so now we're just going to get married sooner and be married with my dog and our baby in the backseat of your car. I just remember looking at him like where was I when all this planning for my future took place, where was I when you proposed, I don't see a ring on my finger here. He just assumed that's how it was all gonna go down and that everything was going to go according to his plan that in that moment I realized he'd been planning and hoping for something like this for a while now because he knew that there was no chance I'd stay with him or marry him or even consider marrying him seriously unless I was pregnant so he knew getting me pregnant was his best bet to keep me with him and it almost worked, but not quite.

We did talk to his family, my family etc. like we were planning to get married, tried to find a place to live, were trying to figure things out and nothing was working out. We disagreed on everything and we fought over everything and anything all the time so I said I needed to take some time and think things through to make sure if I really wanted to marry him or not, but he wouldn't and couldn't for some reason give me the time or space I needed and asked for so after a while I told him one day that I couldn't marry him and it wasn't going to work. He threw a fit and wouldn't hear of it and tried to do everything to convince me we could work it out, but I knew better by that point in time. So, he asked me what I was going to do about the baby if I wasn't going to marry him and I said I didn't know that I needed some time and space and then I'd let him know, but once again, he never could leave me alone for very long or give me much space so I could think things through easily. Not only that, but he started stalking me, watching me/my house, leaving notes, cards on the doorstep, wouldn't back off at all, kept calling and calling and calling me and leaving messages on my machine and they were nasty messages. He kept threatening me and telling me in notes or messages on the machine etc. that he was going to block the adoption if I tried to place the baby for adoption and he was going to take the baby from me and not let a witch like me raise 'his' child if I tried to keep and parent the baby so he put me between a rock and a hard place and made it even harder for me to make the decision between parenting and placing.

I also had a much harder time this time with my decision than the first time because I wanted to keep this baby and raise my baby myself, if I could. I made a plan for a time with my parents help planning on parenting my second baby girl, but I still wasn't settled, secure or comfortable with my choice to parent and the psycho bdad still hadn't gone away and that worried me. So, it took me a long time and researching a lot between my two options of parenting vs. placing before I finally decided to place my second baby girl. I knew the best and right thing to do for her was to place her because of the psycho bdad and because I wanted her to have two parents and I couldn't be both parents myself and I wanted her to have everything that I didn't feel I could give her as well as a married couple could give her. I also remember deciding to place my second baby girl because I was watching a home movie of my first baby girl one day while trying to decide and I saw how happy she was and so at peace and flourishing, growing up so happy, safe, well provided for and in a wonderful, healthy family and surrounding and I wanted my second daughter to have the same thing as my first had so I finallly came to the choice to place my second.

So, I went to the same agency that I had placed my first daughter through and back to my same counselor and told her what I'd finally decided. Then I wrote to the aparents of my first daughter to ask them if they would like to and could adopt my second daughter so that my two girls - sisters - 20 months apart in age could grow up together, but after a long wait for their response then responded that they would love to be able to adopt my second daughter and love for my first daughter to have been able to grow up with her sister, but because of personal reasons and such they felt they couldn't adopt my second daughter. They were devastated to have to turn me down and I know that it must have been very hard for them to say no to me as it was a very hard blow for me to take at that point in the adoption process.

So, there I was in September/October and I didn't have much time until I was due in November and I was freaking out because I had to pick new parents and I didn't want to go through this whole thing again. So, my counselor told me to go online and check out profiles over the weekend so I did and I must have looked at like 100 profiles in one night online cause I was so stressed and worried about finding the right parents for my second baby girl then. But within the first few times I looked at profiles I saw the names S&K show up on the screen and had the feeling to click on them, but I didn't want to. So, I had this internal battle with myself and then I clicked on their names and the computer crashed so I thought YAY, that means they're not the ones and I don't have to go through with placing my baby girl, but a day or two later I was back online looking through the profiles again, saw their name again and I thought I should click on their name again, but I didn't want to, but I finally did and this time it went to their picture and their profile and the instant I saw their picture I knew.

I knew they were the ones that were meant to be the parents and raise my second daughter just like I'd known about the aparents of my first daughter. So, I still went through other profiles after that because I still wasn't ready to admit it and then narrowed it down to 3 profiles and there's was one of them so after much thinking and praying again this time like I'd done last time, I decided to admit to myself that it was them and I went and bought them a card with a poem about adoption for the announcement I sent to them to let them know that I had chosen them to be the parents of my second daughter. Then we arranged to meet at the agency and get to know each other some more and things clicked with them and we started to become good friends from the beginning just like I had with the aparents of my first daughter.

So, I had my second daughter on Nov. 21 and the labor, delivery etc. was much easier - a piece of cake compared to my first daughter. Well and my first daughter was born on a Friday at 12:11 pm and she was 8 lbs 2 oz - big baby and this time around with my second daughter she was born on a Sunday at 5:01 pm and weighed 7 lbs 6 oz - she was a lot easier and smaller to give birth too and well my body knew what it was doing the second time around.

I remember hearind my second daughter cry and I lost it, I got teary eyed and was trying to hold back tears as I heard her first audible sounds of life and saw her beautiful little self being placed on my belly and then cleaned and taken care of before being brought back to me and placed in my arms again. She was so perfect, such a beautiful, angelic little baby girl and she stole my heart away just like my other daughter had before her. I spent every minute with my second daughter in the hospital room with me and I held her every minute that I could and fed her, changed her, dressed her, burped her and took care of like a mother does cause I was and am her mother.

I also spent every minute with my first daughter when she was in the hospital, had her in the room with me, held her, fed her, changed her etc.. I sat with my first daughter in the nursery while she was under the lights for her jaundice and one of the nights when my first daughter was under the lights I came in to check on her cause I couldn't sleep and they told me that she hadn't been doing well or sleeping good either and then I sat by her and put my finger in her little hand and she grabbed on so tightly and wouldn't let go so I sat with her for a while and she calmed down and slept and was doing fine after I came in and sat with her - she felt that security simply by my presence and by feeling my finger in her little hand - that was such an awe inspiring moment to me, to realize how aware my baby girl was of me and my presence and how strong that mother - daughter bond really is.

With my second daughter, I stayed awake the whole first night and watched her sleep and took in everything about her. Then after two days of being with my second daughter and special memories of her smiling at me too and so many other things, I left the hospital to go get her pictures done at Kiddie Kandids and then to go to the agency to place her with her aparents.

I also had a special moment of communication between my soul and heart and my second daughter's soul and heart that was much like that special moment and experience that I had with my first daughter. My second daughter was much more alert the whole two days in the hospital and she looked at me in that special way often and smiled at me more than once and she was also very aware of my presence and showed to me how strong the mother - daughter bond was as well.

So, when we got to the agency, we went into the room with everyone - witnesses etc. - to sign those papers again and once again I found myself holding my baby girl, my second baby girl in my arms, while I sobbed and signed my rights away to parent her. I was so tempted to throw those papers away and run away with my second daughter when I was signing those papers, but I knew that this was what was best for my baby girl in my situation. And after I signed the papers, we all took turns saying goodbye to my second baby girl and I remember feeling how unfair life was and that I was going to crumble and shatter into pieces because I didn't know if I could do this a second time.

I would almost say this was harder than the first time, but then the first time was also equally hard so I don't know that I can compare because they were so different. I just know that those two times placing my daughters for adoption were two of the hardest, heartbreaking things I'd ever done in my life and that was even when I know that what I was doing was right and the best thing for my girls after I'd weighed out all my options and then come to the hard choice of placing them for adoption because I wanted them to have everything that I didn't think I could give them by myself.

I took longer this time, it seems, saying goodbye to my second daughter. I didn't know what to say or how to part with her because she was and is so much a part of me still to this day. I sobbed and gazed at her through blurred vision while I carressed her face and kissed her all over and kept telling her how much I loved her and explaining to her why I was doing this and that I hoped she'd understand one day and be able to find a place in her heart to be able to love me.

Then we went into the room with the aparents like I had with my first daughter and her aparents and went through talking about all sorts of things, labor, how I'm doing, etc. and they videotaped it all for my daughter to see and to have when she's older. I was crying through almost the whole placement, talking to the aparents and giving and showing them the gifts I had put together and made for my second daughter - mostly the same gifts I'd done for my first daughter, but I added some new things here and there.

Then that dreaded moment came when we were all done talking and exchanging gifts - they gave me some special gifts as well that I have and use all the time. So, I said which one wants to hold her first and I got up to walk over to them and K , the amom came over and we met in the middle of the room because she didn't want me to have to get up when I was uncomfortable and in pain from recent childbirth - within the past 48-72 hours - she was so sweet and sensitive to me, she still is. Then I placed my second daughter in her amom's arms and she and the adad held her jointly at the same time and there was that worthwhile moment for me again when I saw the looks of joy, peace, happiness and deep love on their faces for my baby girl in their arms. After that was when we were all crying and hugging each other again and I remember the aparents coming over to me while they were holding my baby girl and hugging me close to them so all 3 of us parents were holding each other and 'our' baby close to each other.

Then we took a bunch of pictures, talked some more and things and then the adad, who was holding my baby girl, gave her to the amom to hold and came running over to me and hugged me tight. I don't know if I've ever been hugged that tight or that long before and he was so grateful to me and so in love with my/our baby girl and he felt so bad for me and the pain and grief I was feeling over this too. I just lost it when he was hugging me because he said quietly to me thank you so much, we love you so much and we love this beautiful baby girl so much too and then he simply said I'm sorry for the pain and grief you're going through and will be going through, I hope you know how much we care and love you and will do whatever we can to help you heal and ease your pain, which they have done. But I swear that was the sweetest thing he could have done and said to me at that time and I needed it so much, he'll never know what he did for me.

Then as we were going to leave the agency, the amom came over and gave me a big hug too and told me how grateful she was and how much she loved me and was sorry for my pain and grief also. Then she held out my daughter toward me and offered to let me hold her again to say goodbye to her, but I couldn't hold her again and say goodbye to her again, not when I'd already done it and it was much too painful for me at this point in time so I just smiled through my tears and shook my head no and she held my daughter out to me and said "look K there's your mommy A, say goodbye until later when you'll see her again K" and I just lost it when she said that because it was a sweet thing for her to say I felt, but I wasn't ready for hearing that dose of reality so I gently touched my daughter and kissed her softly on the forehead as I whispered goodbye I love you to her and then I turned and practically ran out of the room because the emotions were too much to handle for me.

So, I left and went home and then had to pretend everything was fine with me and my life a day or two later on Thanksgiving that year - it sucked. I don't know how I made it through last year or how I did it when I think about it and how hard it was to place both my girls, but I did and I'm okay with it and I know that both my girls are where they belong, living full and happy lives with wonderful parents and families and my almost 2 year old has an asister that's 9 that is the best sister to her. I mean yes, it's not perfect, but it's the way it was meant to be for me and my daughters.

My almost 2 yr old's so called bdad still to this day doesn't know anything about the baby, if it was a boy or girl or if I placed or parented or what and he's finally pretty much disappeared out of my life. He, of course, surfaces like a rash every once in a while, but does nothing except leave threatening messages on the machine and then leaves me alone for another year or few months or whatever. After he heard that he didn't have to pay chid support and had no financial obligation to the child no matter which decision I'd made, he pretty much disappeared for almost a year before he surfaced again to leave a nasty message and now he's disappeared again it seems and she's much better off without knowing anything about him with his nastiness and threats until she's older and it's the decision of the aparents as to when they tell her about him or not if they decide to tell her about him before she talks to me when she's older that is.

So, I keep in regular contact with my almost 2 yr old and her afamily and we've become best friends and like family as well. We e-mail/write to each other and exchange pictures, home movies, and gifts occassionally throughout the year also. And my almost 2 yr old's aparents have been very helpful to me in my healing process which has lead to me being in a better relationship with my 3 1/2 yr old's aparents as well.

So, wow, that was long. Thanks for reading all the way through, if you did take the time to read all the way through this. It did help me to write all this down and reflect on it as well as it did bring up emotions and brought out some healing tears for me as well.

So, that is the whole story of my girls and how I placed them for adoption all together in one spot. Feel free to comment or ask questions if you want.

Thanks again for reading.

Anne :)