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I have a question...... say your adopted child was taken by cps placed in fostercare then you adopted them. or you were the foster parented that adopted them.... you dont know much about bmother, you only know what social services told you, would you tell your son or daughter what you had been told about bparents past? what about if you knew that bparent fought as hard as she could and the state still took child from her? would you tell you son or daughter that 2? what about telling that child that he or she was adopted, would you? say that child is now 18. and you open your mailbox to a letter from someone you dont know would you open it? what kind of letter would you like to recieve from bithparent? what would you want it to say? please let me know its very inportent o me.. tammy jo..... physcotam at aol dot com or post here......thank you all in advance:o
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Tammy jo,
I adopted two girls from the foster care system. They were 11 and 12 when they were placed with us. My girls were freely able to talk with me about their birthparents and how hard it was to be taken from their homes. I have been very selective on what I told them. I waited until I thought they were ready. They asked questions and I answered them with honesty according to what I knew. My daugther is 18 now and if she has a question, we will talk about it and I will let her know what I know. She can't handle all the info at one time and she lets me know that. I give her what she wants and needs to know. She knows her parents wanted her and fought for her. I told her that they didn't want to give her up but under the circumstances she needed to be safe. Her parents did not keep her safe and she knows that. My daughter is happy that she is safe now but she is also hurt. She needs answers that only her birthparent can give. She knows she has my support if and when she decides to search. I know how important this is for her.
If I opened a letter from her birthmom I would be very scared. I am very much bonded to my daughter and I love her soooooo much. I would not want her to be hurt again and I also would not want to lose her. She is a part of me now. We love each other. My oldest daughter has already walked out on us for two years to live with her birthparents and completey ignored us. It broke my heart into a million pieces and I can't imagine or even want to deal with that again. I don't want a birthparent to come in our lives and hurt my family. I gave so much of myself and to think I would lose my daughter would kill me even if it were only for a short period of time. My oldest daughter's birthmom came in our lives and has taken up all my daugther's time. We have little time with her now. It hurts me more than I can say. It is unfair. I like her birthmom a lot but what she has done is not very nice. I understand her extreme hurt at losing her daughter at birth but in my opinion she has not been very considerate of me or my daughter by coming back and taking over. It has left my daughter with no friends and a very hurt family. I would want her birthmom to be considerate of my family who took very good care of her daughter. She is receiving blessings because of the good care and love her daughter received from us. I am considerate and have compassion for her. I would like the same.
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So let me see if i got this right.. you dont see it right if the birthparent contact???? is this because of your oldest daugther? i have read you other posts and i am very sorry for the way you feel and for what has been done. i also see your pain in what has happened.... i think i would be more considerate in the aparents feelings? but i know i still want contact. either with aparent or child...
Thanks for understanding Tammy. I didn't mean it isn't right for birthparents to contact their birthchild. What has hurt me most is that my oldest daughter prefers and is obsessed with her birthmom and her birthmom is obsessed with her. That to me is very unfair. My daughter bought my mother in laws home and her birthmom is there more than I am there. That to me feels like an invasion of what is mine. Her birthmom is giving my daughter so many things to furnish the home and it feels very much like what was ours is now hers. She stepped right in and took over. Yes, my daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions and that hurts me because she chooses to be with them over us. Why???? I just can't understand why!! I could have completely shared but she has just taken over. There is always a problem in their family that my daughter feels she has to fix. No compassion for us and the extreme stress it puts on us.
I liked her birthmom so much that I was more than willing to invite her into our lives. When she came back into my daughter's life, she came into ours too because it upset our whole family make up. Her birthmom is only concerned with her daughter and she seeks every minute of my daughter's time. To me this is unfair and very inconsiderate. In my opinion she is trying to take care of herself and not even thinking of what is good for my daughter. My daughter doesn't have a life because it is only focused on her birthfamily. Too many people have been hurt.
not sure if this will help you or not .....but please dont come down hard on me for speaking my mind ok......:) just for you to understand why its happening as you asked.....i can see it happening because of the primal wound....have you read that book? if not please get the book .....it explains the bond made in the womb......it will help you understand birthmom /adoptee a bit more..... i know your hurting :grouphug: but remember all the years you did have with your daugter and try not to focus on the bad but rather that you were blessed to raise her .....as your own......even though it doesnt feel like it now...... our brains our powerful things so its best to stay positive .....i kno i know ....look whos talking but .....just trying to give you a bit of understanding into your situation ..... God bless and hope you find happiness in spite of whats going on in the birthmom/daughter relationship......
love4
Thanks for understanding Tammy. I didn't mean it isn't right for birthparents to contact their birthchild. What has hurt me most is that my oldest daughter prefers and is obsessed with her birthmom and her birthmom is obsessed with her. That to me is very unfair. My daughter bought my mother in laws home and her birthmom is there more than I am there. That to me feels like an invasion of what is mine. Her birthmom is giving my daughter so many things to furnish the home and it feels very much like what was ours is now hers. She stepped right in and took over. Yes, my daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions and that hurts me because she chooses to be with them over us. Why???? I just can't understand why!! I could have completely shared but she has just taken over. There is always a problem in their family that my daughter feels she has to fix. No compassion for us and the extreme stress it puts on us. I liked her birthmom so much that I was more than willing to invite her into our lives. When she came back into my daughter's life, she came into ours too because it upset our whole family make up. Her birthmom is only concerned with her daughter and she seeks every minute of my daughter's time. To me this is unfair and very inconsiderate. In my opinion she is trying to take care of herself and not even thinking of what is good for my daughter. My daughter doesn't have a life because it is only focused on her birthfamily. Too many people have been hurt.
longingtomeetyou,
here is a hug for you! I will not come down hard on you. I can very well understand your side too.
I tried to read the primal wound many years ago and it just broke my heart even more. It makes me wonder why there is adoption. I can very well understand a bond between mother and child. The minute my daughter was placed in my arms I fell in love. I became her nurturer, protector, provider and more. No one was ever going to hurt my little girl. I would give her my all. I did. Everything I had was hers. When her birthmom was forced to give her up she hoped very much for her daughter to have all that I have given. It is hard to give your all and not have a deep bond. I wonder just how many mothers really want to share. Some can I know but it is very hard for me. I do so very much understand the longings of a birthmother. I would long too. Somehow we have to come together for the love and compassion for all.
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love 4 i understand how you feel about your daugther and her birthmom, but plz dont take offence to what i am about to say, its just my feelings... you seen very angered about the birthmother coming back into your childs life,,, you shouldnt be.. be thankful there is more then one person to love her... allow your child the time(no matter how long it takes) to spend with her birthparent & family.. for it is needed on both sides. and you as a mother should call your child tell her how you feel, be truthful very truthful.. even if you think you might hurt your daugther its better then not telling her at all.. maybe she is not talking with you because she is afraid to tell you her feelings about her birthmother, i am sure since some time has passed she has growned to love her(i am sorry) and the thought of telling you hurts her. you must talk to her.. and about your feelings about the birthmother... you should have none.. she is your daugthers mother.your daugther is a grown women with her own thoughts and feeling the birthmother is nothiing to you.. your comments about the birthmothers past was very hurtful to me.. I as a birthmother. dont think i would be very understanding about a adoptive mother telling the adoptee how bad i was or that i didnt take good enough care of said child... but 2 on the other hand i do see where you r coming from .. for i have no other children of my own. but i am a step parent to 3 wonderful teens who i have taken care of since they were very yough. and i feel some jealously toward their birthmother, but i try very hard to get along and keep my feeling to myself...... call your daugther please.. tell her how you feel.. tell her you understand if she has found love in her birthmother....... tammy... email me 2 or IM mr physcotam@aol.com
Tammy,
I think I am angry because her birthmom took so much away from me. Had my daughter met her birthmom and had a relationship with her but yet still included us in her life, I would have dealt with things much better. Things have been better between my daughter and I as over the years we have worked a lot of things out. My posts are more of past hurts to help others understand where I am coming from. My daughter has made big efforts to be in our lives now even though most of her time is spent with her birthmom. She has made it very clear to her birthmom that we are her family and she feels she cannot be a member of their family but likes their friendship. Which is o.k. by me. Like I said before, I like her birthmom. We get along great. What I am angered at is that my daughter is very vulnerable and she tends to hang on to one relationship and throws the rest away. I wish her birthmom could encourage her to meet new friends and have a life outside of her. It has been a few years now and things should be more comfortable for them. Her birthmom is afraid of losing her again and holds on tight. Understandable.
I am sorry I hurt you by the statement I made earlier about telling my youngest about her birthfamily. I didn't tell her that her family was bad because she knew already that she was taken from them because they couldn't keep her safe. She remembers little bits and I have a pretty big history given to me by the state. I would never want to bad mouth her birthfamily as she is a part of them and it would hurt her to have me say bad things about them. I am very careful in choosing my words. Another thought is if her family was able to keep her safe than why was she here? She would then proceed to think that someday she would be taken from us too. That would add a lot of stress and fear for her because she loves us very much. Obviously something had to go wrong in order for her to be with us. I wonder, what would you like me to say to her? I feel sad that her birthmom lost her to the system. It had to be very painful for her. I can very much understand her pain. I often wonder if she thinks of my daughter and if she longs for her.
I too am very hurt by many comments. Sometimes I don't want to hear any of it but truth is that those comments have helped me to understand and change my thinking. I really try to choose my words and I am sorry if I offend anyone because I know what it feels like.
Take Care.
crazytam821
I have a question...... say your adopted child was taken by cps placed in fostercare then you adopted them. or you were the foster parented that adopted them.... you dont know much about bmother, you only know what social services told you, would you tell your son or daughter what you had been told about bparents past? what about if you knew that bparent fought as hard as she could and the state still took child from her? would you tell you son or daughter that 2? what about telling that child that he or she was adopted, would you? say that child is now 18. and you open your mailbox to a letter from someone you dont know would you open it? what kind of letter would you like to recieve from bithparent? what would you want it to say?
i do understand your feelings and am sorry if i made you think i was being mean... i didnt want it to come across that way...i am glad your daugther has made efforts and has told her birthmother her feeling of you being family and i do see where you feel she is vulnerable and you dont want her to be hurt.. maybe you should tell her birthmother to encourge her to find ouside friends and things to do... you do have that right as her mother(in my opinon) about your youngest.... you asked me I wonder, what would you like me to say to her? i dont know, as i read your last post i thought that maybe i was a little to harsh and i should mind my own.. for everyones situations are different and sometimes the states dont lie((in my case they did) and sometimes it is best for the child not to know the truth,, but my worst fear is telling my son the truth.. i have always intented to and still do.. witch is going to be very painful for us both... then i wonder if it be best to just not tell him but no its always best to tell the truth no matter..... thats what i think... but only when the child is old enough and really want to know.... and like you sometimes i dont like to here the truth even though it is the truth... so to you.. i am sorry .......tammy
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Crick, yes i have intended on making it respectful and ask for permisstion and to be very kind, i think i am having more of a problem with how to say it all then what to say. i dont want to hurt anyone or make anyone angry. i never reliezed how supportive aparents could be till i found this site.. i love it here.. tammy
crazytam821
I have a question...... say your adopted child was taken by cps placed in fostercare then you adopted them. or you were the foster parented that adopted them.... you dont know much about bmother, you only know what social services told you, would you tell your son or daughter what you had been told about bparents past? what about if you knew that bparent fought as hard as she could and the state still took child from her? would you tell you son or daughter that 2? what about telling that child that he or she was adopted, would you? say that child is now 18. and you open your mailbox to a letter from someone you dont know would you open it? what kind of letter would you like to recieve from bithparent? what would you want it to say? please let me know its very inportent o me.. tammy jo..... physcotam at aol dot com or post here......thank you all in advance:o
JENNY, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR POST. I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I FIND YOU A VERY HEART WARMING SOUL.. I HOPE YOU DONT MIND I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO USE SOME OF YOUR SEGGESTIONS IN MY LETTER TO A APARENT THAT MIGHT HAVE MY SON... IF ITS OK WITH YOU..i have taken some Notes... I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE HAD TO DO... TAMMY
Tammy,Feel free to use my ideas. I hope you are able to make contact with your son and his aparents. I can imagine this will be quite hard for you, but it's a wonderful thing you are doing.May I ask, how would you have felt about contact from your son's aparents before now? Say if they were interested in a semi-open relationship with you. Letters and pictures and such but not face to face contact.Blessings,Jenny
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YES I ALSO FEEL THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY HARD. AND I REALLY HOPE THE APARENT THINKS ITS A GOOD THING I WANT TO DO, I THINK THAT IF MY SON PARENTS WANTED TO CONTACT ME I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY THANKFUL FOR THE CHANCE TO DO SO. EVEN WITHOUT THE FACE TO FACE CONTACT I WOULD STILL LIKE TO DO IT. GETTING TO KNOW ALL OF THEM IS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED. I HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS, I JUST WANT TO GET TO KNOW MY SON WHEN THEY THINK HE TIME WOULD BE RIGHT..... TAMMY