Photo with Birthmom

How old is your DS b-mom? Was this a recent adoption? I can tell you that in the first year after I had my daughter, her b-dad and I were on and off too, and I remember after I shared with him pics of DD (alone and with her b-family) things got a little emotional and difficult for both of us. there isn't much of a "rule of thumb" in that situation (you gave birth , but your not raising your child, the person who fathered that child is not exactly in or out of the picture, not exactly a father in the traditonal sense, etc.) it can be confusing if youre young and emotions can make things kind of grey. So if it's early in your childs life or very soon after the adoption, I can see how emotionally it sounds like she's having a hard time figuring out her place in b-dad's life and thinks this could help? It does sound strange, IMO (at that time in my life it would have really bothered me and him to have such a pic and for him to see that) but I can understand where her emotions may be coming from. I'd try to steer clear of getting in the middle of their adjustment between eachother. Maybe this is a good time to open a dialogue about how she is adjusting. If this bothers you and you don't say anything, it may set a precedent that may eventuallylead to a breakdown in communication between you two. If she said for you to tell her if anything is making you uncomfortable, then tell her. If it were me, I'd be grateful for the honesty. Good luck!

I don't think it's strange at all. My most precious posessions are my photos. To see two people he probably loves most in the world to him would probably be a very special gift. Remember that they created this child together, don't begdruge them their sentimentality.

I think I'd talk w/ her a little more about it. Scarlett could be right, but my reaction is more like yours, that it's a little strange. I do think it is part of her adjustment w/ bfather as browneyes said, and that you want to avoid being in the middle of that. Of course, if you normally take photos of them together during visits and give her copies (certainly that's something we do w/ H's bmom), you can't stop her from giving one of those to bfather. It just seems that by telling you what she's doing w/ the photo, she's asking for your participation in her communication w/ bfather more than she is for just a photo. I'm kind of big on trusting your instinct---if you aren't comfortable with it, tell her so.

To me it doesn't seem strange at all. I am a photographer by trade and actually offered to do a maternity shoot for our youngest daughter's first parents, which they were very excited to do. There were no strings attached (I made that very clear), the photos were their's to keep whether they placed the baby with us or not. They also asked me to take pictures of the birth. I ended up having a coffee table book made with the maternity photos followed by the birthing photos. It is their most treasured posession. To me photos are a way to communicate and I can't see how this would in any way diminish your role of mother to your child. I love sending our daughter's first parents photos and know they carry them everywhere, in their car, in their wallets, all over their walls at home. They love her dearly and I am happy for that. But that is just my personal point of view. Ultimately if you are uncomfortable with the request maybe you should just talk to her about it and it may turn out not to be a big deal at all. Good luck! Simone

There might not be any intentions at all but it does strike me as a little odd. My first thought was, going by what you said that they are on again off again, does she have other motives? Are they on again right now and she just wants to give him a photo of them or are they off and....... I would definately talk to her and see what she had in mind. Our first instincts are generally correct but I like to be wrong in cases like these. Good luck.

Open adoption seems to be a term that covers a wide range of arrangements from no contact to families seeing each other regularly as extended family. I think it depends on how you defined your open adoption and whether or not the request is way out of bounds of your agreement. Happy G'Ma

i know when i had my sons picture taken with his birthmother(at walmart). It brought on some difficult feelings I had to sort out. I think what upset me the most was thinking of her showing this picture to her friends and family which portrayed her as this "perfect Mommy" to HER son. It kinda felt like one big Lie. Since I had been fostering him since he was 8 weeks old and he was just turning a year old (she had done nothing on her case, still heavily on drugs and the case was heading for termination of her rights). I wanted the picture for my son...so he could have a picture of his birthmom. i didn't want to pass up that chance...i knew we were going to adopt him....and with her lifestyle I knew she wouldn't continue to be in his life and i realized the grim possibility she may not be around for a reunion someday. But as we were there her actions and words of her being the "Mommy" just infuriated me. MY son clearly knows who is Mommy is...and that is me the one whose cared for him all his life. He would literally turn aroudn to look at me when she would hold him right by her face saying "whose your Mommy" "That;s Mommy's baby" etc... But then I had to realize a picture is just that...a picture and I'm glad my son has it. I have since given copies to her her and to the birthfather and his mother. She will always be the mother who gave him life but she will always be the mother who did nothign to get him back and care for him...and no picture will change that. He will know the truth and i hope he will be grateful for that special picture that shows the connection they do have.

We have done that many times.My favorite picture of them is the "first time all 3 were together" since our son's birth in the hospital. It is something I appreciate because I never had one with my first family. We do many things for our son and his family that were never done for me,due to closed adoption.JMO

We actually had pics taken w/ dd and her bmom. It was very special. I did have to overcome my feelings of wierdness but it was good for me. One thing I did was to also have a pic of the 3 of us taken. This is really for my own heart as I needed to be included in the experience.I think these will be very special to my dd in the future.I attached the pics here

Thank you for all the replys. We actually have a picture of all three, DS, Bmom and Bdad up in his bedroom, so I don't have a problem with photos of them at all and one of my favorite pictures is the three of them in the hospital. It is just her request of a formal photo of Bmom and DS so she could give it to Bdad from her. It guess it would be like a photo of DS and me that we would give to Daddy for his office.

I love those pix!! We also have a mom/son/mom picture and dad/son/dad pix;~))It gets easier to realize "one family does not cancel the other".It is for our children we do these harder things that require us to step aside momentarily.To the op,I misunderstood. Do you feel like she is pushing guilt in his direction with the picture?

Before we had my sons pictures done a few months earlier we had a visit with my daughters birthfamily. She had a whoel bunch of people come birthmom, birthsister, aunt,uncle and his fiance,grandma, great grandma and great grandpa. I really wanted my daughter to have a portrat of her birthfamily. We didn't intend to be in the picture at all. But when they were all up their they looked over at us and tiold us to come get in the picture too...which was so thoughtful. We got a 4 generation picture of my dd with her bmom, grandma and great grandma, one with her great grandparents, a couple with her birthsister, one with her birthmom and birthsister, and one with my dd her bmom and myself. I reallly LOVE those pictures and so does my daughter. They are arranged in a frame in her room. But taking those pictures i also was overwhelmed with a bunch of feelings that I didn't expect. Seeing her big family and how much they all looked a like and how much love they had for my dd and how neat it was that they all showed up for this special day just touched my heart. But in a way I felt completely out of place and not needed. I felt "she already has a family who loves her so much, so why is she with me". Will she wish someday she could have stayed with them. I mean seeing them altogether they looked like a normal happy family...and they really were good peaople with kind lovign hearts....but under the surface there were some big issues....but seeing them together like that...made me forget "why" it was so important that we were about to become her parents forever. It was the start of a long process of accepting everything that had happened and trying to find our places and purpose in my daughters life. So I guess both times I've been through that experience it brought a lot of emotions I didn't expect. But in both cases I am so gratful we do have those photos they are priceless. Only you can decide what is best for your child and your family. Hopefully you'll have time to think this through and sort out those feelings so you can enjoy the experience for what it is when/if it happens...and why you are doing it. I would not do it "for the birthmom" or "the birthfather" if you do it at all it should be for your son. Because then you will be able to deal with the emotions that will come along with it.

I also want to say how much I like the picture we took of my daughter with her birthmom and myself. It too helps me realize that for my daughter it doesn't have to be a choice of us or them....she can have both and love both equally without having to choose. She can love us for the very different but very important people we both are in her life. So it helps keep things in perspective for me as well.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and feelings. I have had those same feelings before. Our DS birthfamilies had a BIG bday celebration for him in their home town. We traveled 3 hours to see them and celebrate. There were aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, cousins, I think there were 50 people total. There were pictures taken non-stop of our DS with everyone and yes I did feel funny but then realized how much our DS is loved and that can't be a bad thing!! Thank you for saying: I would not do it "for the birthmom" or "the birthfather" if you do it at all it should be for your son. Because then you will be able to deal with the emotions that will come along with it. That is exactly what was happening, the more I think about it, it was more of a "don't forget what you have" picture, does that make sense? maybe even a subtle message that I don't understand between BMom and BDad (that are "on" again this week/month)

It makes me so happy to hear about all of the great relationships you all have with the BMom's, I am a BMom and wish someone had thought about taking a picture of me and my son when I was at the hospitol, I think that would have been wonderful for everyone. I didn't do an "Open Adoption" because I was told by my/their lawyer there was no such thing, just to sign the paper work. Although I do get pictures because it is my step mother's cousin, I wish I could have more. And I just found out recently he doesn't know he is adopted, which I thought he would know all along, anyways what ever his parents think is right for him I agree with. Sorry off subject, I just wanted to say I know the few pictures I have of my son are very special to me and I carry them around in my purse so he is with me everywhere I go.