Why I chose semi-open adoption

I'm currently 38 and unemployed and living with my parents who support me as well as they can. I gave birth--7 weeks early to a 4 lb. 17 1/2" boy November 2, 2002. He was the most beautiful thing I've ever made! :wings: *****I made the decision to place for adoption two hours after I bought a 8$ pregnancy test at Walgreens. I made a trip to the confessional the following Saturday. The I told the guy and had to explain why it was a logical decision. He wanted me to keep the baby, marry him and the three of us be a family. I told him I wanted to place for adoption. He finally relented and signed the papers as well as the medical history papers....after much prodding. He even referred to my decision as "getting rid of the baby". ****Allow me to state I've always been a low income wage earner with every job I've ever had. The most take home pay per month I ever made was $766, back in 1995. Lack of proper funds, not wanting to marry the guy, and even much more so, not ever wanting to be a single mom are the reasons I placed my son for semi-open, semi-closed adoption.*****A long time ago as a virgin teen who never got dates, there was a discussion at the lunch table of "what would you do if you landed yourself in a crisis pregnancy at this point in life?" My 16-year old answer was: "Adoption, because I'm a minor who still needs a lot of growing up to do before I even get engaged much less pregnant....heck, I'm not even interested in losing my virginity until my wedding night, and all I'd like right now is a nice, clean fun date with a really nice guy." I laugh when I think back on that conversation! Well, every 'really nice guy' that I have ever been interested in eventually never could fall in love with me...those saw me as a good gal pal and nothing more. And the ones who ended up in love with me were the ones I didn't fall in love with, I just saw them as nothing more than just a friend. I never understood back then why anything couldn't be mutual. Lately though, I've been starting to come up with some answers to that! *****My baby's father and I had a rather unhealthy relationship. (Note: Not all of my past dating relationships have been unhealthy.) I made the mistake of falling for him before really getting to know him, and by the time I got to know him, I was miserable and lying to myself, acting as if I was happy. I was the giver, he was the taker. It didn't start off that way, but after a while it ended up that way. And the taking started once he fell into hard times of his own, which were only partly his fault. I should have had a spine and told him to go find another "donor". He kept from me for the first 5 weeks that he had a son from a previous marriage. I had a few temp office clerical jobs during our relationship, but none that turned permanent like I was hoping. Just like the year 2006, unfortunately. He wanted to keep the child and raise the child together. He even seriously proposed marriage. I replied with, Heck No! and stated what kind of boyfriend he had been, which was the Taker type. Boy, I sure was naive about him AND about finding work while pregnant! It doesn't matter if you're married or not, few companies will hire a pregnant woman who says, "it's a crisis pregnancy, I'm putting him up for adoption, so no, child care won't be a problem!" Hey, I did not find "permanent" work until October of 2003...at a grocery store...earning $5.75 an hour cashiering at first, then helping out as needed in other departments. Found out the hard way I simply was not a cashier.****It's such a shame, though, that I've been so naive for so long...I try to stay in touch with reality, I have older friends who I try my best to learn from (the older ones can teach the younger ones, trust me) and I watch the news so much sometimes I wonder when God's commandment of "love one another" will ever really and truly happen. I don't know if I'll ever be a mom again, or if I'll ever marry at all. Lately I've been a great gal pal to several man friends, all of whom I know for a fact don't want something more than mere friendship. Every time I dated while jobless in the past it never came to much good at all. Maybe that could change next year, who knows? I've researched convents, however, when I finally reached down inside of myself to yank out what I really wanted, I saw what I wanted, even as a 10-year-old: a husband and child(ren), with a Tonkinese kitten named...Schrodinger? :D And guess what else I found out this year? I thank God that it was free to me: a psychological assessment provided by the state's vocational rehabilitation service evaluated me as having schizoaffective disorder...****!...While pregnant, I had picked up a book on A.D.D. and believed I had that so I went on Strattera for that soon after I started cashiering at the local grocery store. Well, when I read about it, heck, it sure sounded a lot like me...for my whole life! Then 4 years later, I'm told I've got schizoaffective disorder? When is the next shoe gonna hit me??!!:grr: I know I've made some big mistakes and some bad decisions, but why a psychiatriac illness? My parents don't have anything wrong with them like that! I read about it, and I don't like what I've read: related to schizophrenia but not as bad, and worse than "mood disorders". Well, I knew 2 guys in the past who were schizoaffective. I dated one of them. Neither are in good shape at all last I saw them. I guess that's why I had a rather emotional outburst when I first heard I had it; I didn't ever think I would have what they had, I never asked for a mental disorder! A psychiatrist hardly gives you feedback. The one I went to for several years until 2001 didn't. Not unless I asked him a question. Psychologists provide feedback and a game plan. The problem is, the one psychologist I went to back in early 2003 was $180 for just one session! It's ridiculous what they charge! At one point I thought, I'll just develop my OWN way of coping and healing, via prayer and meditation....as well as allowing myself to feel in order to heal. Some would say it's the rape I went through at 19, the sexual coercion I went through at 26 (and yes, it kind of felt like being raped all over again) as well as on the job sexual harrassment at 26 ---all combined together---to turn me into someone rather self-destructive who had a baby out of wedlock. I beg to differ...at least halfway! I had forgiven those guys long before I met my baby's father! I named my son Logan Ross, but no one but me calls him that. I got several days of holding and feeding him a bottle because he stayed in the hospital for 13 days to gain one pound. Medicaid paid for that as well as prenatal care, and I was grateful for that....I'm also grateful for coming from such a good home, thanks Mom and Dad for putting up with me for as long as you have!:cheer: Well, that's all for the wee hours of the morning, folks! Hopefully I can work again and be on disability....don't know about that yet.