How did your family talk about adoption?

I wish I had a positive and upbeat story of my own to share, but mine is none of the sort. My adotive parents are abusive, both physically and mentally, and I have suffered with their negativity for as long as I can remember. I was on the internet talking to what I believed was a friend, but I had juxtaposed numbers and it was not who I thought it was. I gave my name, still thinking I was talking to my friend, my father found out and screamed at me for being careless and stupid. I had been staying at a friends house for a while, late nights and having fun, and my dad said "If you like it there so much, just move in, it's better here when you're gone" and I asked if he meant what he said. He asked me what he said, like he had forgotten 5 seconds after he said it, of course out of anger (I can hope) and then he realized the impact. He said it was time to have a talk we should have had a long time ago.

Went upstairs, he told me about how I was adopted because they thought they couldn't have children but after they adopted me they had 2 of their own and felt that I was a mistake. hey adopted me because they wanted to fit in with the "right crowd", friends that all had children early and often. SO I was a trophy child, nothing more than a possession, and most times inconvienent to their needs. A rebel, an artist, I wanted more than what they wanted for me and they resented that. My mom, however, the whole time was downstairs doing laundry.

She came up, saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told her I knew. She dropped the basket, looked so angry, was speechless and did not talk to me or my dad for a few days. Finally, we talked and she told me she had intended never to tell me. SHe didn't want me to know, I was HER child and nobody elses'. That and she didn't want me to feel labeled. Told me that my bmom was VERy young, 17 in fact. And every time after that, whenever I asked any questions, they would refuse to talk about it and claimed I was ungrateful for wanting to know about my real mom.

I found out when I was 16. I didn't start searching until last week, and in 40 minutes of hunting I found my mom. I found her, and 3 half siblings, and whats incredible is we're all so much alike. I'm 23 now, my mom is 40, and we have our lives ahead of us to rekindle a friendship lost so long ago. Sure I only just met her, but I can firmly say I already love her. But since my aparents were so unwilling to help in any way, I did it all on my own.

I guess some stories aren't the happy ending Disney fairy tales but its mine none the less.

~Jamie

I do hope you reach those people Barbara. Adoptees deserve the opportunity to ask questions and receive answers, just as they deserve the opportunity to request and receive their original birth certificate as adults. Levigram

Jamie, It does depend on whose perspective one looks as to whether the ending is happy or not. You have such value and worth AND you have your original mom in your life now. You give me the impression your birthmom is happy to have you in her life and embraces you as she does her other children. Maybe this IS a happy ending???? It doesn't erase the years you spent in an unhealthy home but as you stated "I'm 23 now, my mom is 40, and we have our lives ahead of us to rekindle a friendship lost so long ago." levigram

Murphy, Please know that there is a chance that what your son is experiencing is because he intuitively knows something about his life is different. The fact that he has not been told could be contributing to his depression simply because he knows something is up but no one is telling. Get professional advice from someone who deals with adoption issues, specifically how they affect the adoptee. Getting input from a professional who helps adoptees deal with adoption may put your mind at rest and help your son. levigram

I was told at a very young age that I was adopted. Everyone on both sides of the family had been told so there weren't any surprises. Sometimes it would bother me to be introduced as "the adopted daughter" because it made me feel a bit different. And sometimes kids would tease me - but I could always think of a good reply like "At least my family got to choose me!" I think it does help to talk with a skilled counselor who is well versed in adoption issues. They usually know just the right questions to get one thinking and know just what to say to help bring resolution to things that are normal in adoption.

I cant even remember since my parents always told me I was adopted from a very young age. To me it was the norm; I dont recall how often we talked about it when I was younger. It was never a big deal to me, I rarely even thought about being adopted, never felt out of place in my family. Was always introduced as my parentҒs daughter, brothers sister, Aunt niece etc. My parents are both white, and Im bi-racial so it would have been clear that least one of them wasnҒt my bio parent.

Murphy, He may very well know that something is just not "right". Six years old is absolutely old enough to retain memory. If he is not remembering it, it could be that it is difficult for him in some way. Not talking about this is only going to make it worse. The thing of it is, he is most likely making up his own stories about what is "not right" in his family, and a child's fiction is most often always worse than their reality. I suggest you get the help of a professional. Maybe do individual for yourself and your husband and incorporate your son from time to time so you can tell him in a safe, theraputic setting.

Well, I am 29 (last week) and I just found out in Feb, though I didn't talk to my parents till May. They were still in denial about it. I asked them in 04 and they vehemently denied it. I had to search on my own for info, as I had suspected since I was 11. It was a private closed adoption. My parents didn't even know the birth mother's name (apparently she walked off from the hospital after having me - an abandoment case). My parents don't even know what really happened. The hospital called my mom to let her know that I was left there and she came got me. Pretty much end of story. So they never told me. I guess they felt that I would feel rejected or not wanted if I found out. The opposite is true - at least for me. My uncle/aunt adopted 2 boys the same way. They knew all along. And for them it was always a good thing. They rebelled some (from what I understand). My parents thought that I might try to run away as a child and find my b-mom and love her more. It hasn't been that difficult for me finding out at this age. I am very secure in who I am and most importantly, who Christ is in me. And I feel that God wanted me to be a certain way, so He placed me in a family that would foster those giftings and talents in me - whether or not I grew in my mommy's tummy. I have always said that not all mommies get to have their babies grow in their tummies, but the baby grows in their hearts.

Hi Kingdom Warrior, I am glad that you are at peace with how events have unfolded. I am not sure your reaction is typical, but your response to the whole situation seems extremely compassionate. Murphy, are you still here? I have been wondering how you were doing. I certainly agree with what Sonyaj said a while back --none of us are perfect as parents. I am sure I have given my boys some fodder for therapy down the road...I hope you are working towards a solution to the "when/how to tell" dilemma that works for you and your family. Barbara

Like some other posters, I always knew I was adopted. My mom did initiate conversations with me, although I really can't remember how they started. What sticks out is that she would tell me the story of my adoption, when they first saw me, what happened the day they took me home, etc. It was always one of my favorite stories. I think it was because she did bring the topic up that I felt comfortable talking to her about my feelings about being adopted, even when they were uncomfortable (like missing my birth mother). On the other hand, my dad never talked about my adoption, certainly never initiated conversations about it. I always felt he was too uncomfortable with the subject, so I never told him any of my feelings, because I was afraid of hurting him. Now, I am 40 and adopting my own child, and I finally had an honest conversation with my dad about some of the feelings I had (and still have). Nothing terrible, just issues with identity, etc. I ended up bawling my head off, but it was such a relief to finally talk about it! And I feel like he now understands me a whole lot better. Fortunately, we have a good relationship and he is very supportive. So yes, I am planning to initiate conversations with our son about his adoption. Not all the time, mind you: I don't want to always be pointing it out like it's the only thing that matters. But I want to make sure he knows he can talk to me about any feelings he has, and that I can handle it.

This is an interesting way of thinking about talking about adoption beyond putting it out there for the first time. Yesterday was 'Gina Day' in my family--the anniversary of the day on which I was formally adopted by my parents. My adopted brother also has a day to commemorate his adoption. I think that was a mixed bag at times, but for the most part it reminded all of us how we came together and let us talk about it at least once a year. We would each share our impressions of meeting each other (my adoptive brother and I were both nearly three when we met our adoptive parents, so we have some vague memories of it), and reminisce about the funny things we said or did in getting to know one another. For instance, I hid behind the couch at my foster parents' house when Mom and Dad came to take me home for good; when we went to the children's home to take my brother home with us, he spent the whole time holding on to my dad's index finger with his chubby little hand. Having a day to commemorate our adoption, in addition to our birthdays, has been a celebration of coming together. On the other hand, my own feelings of insecurity made me not bring up any 'hurtful' questions on Gina Days; I asked my parents once in a while about my birthmother at other times (although they told me everything they knew about her and my other brothers from day one), and perhaps they initiated it, sometimes, as well. I know this isn't exactly what you wanted to know, but it's something. :)

I'm unclear as to why the bmom's letters can no longer be read by the girls. Can you help me?

I Remember The Day My Parents Told Me I Was Adopted. I Was 5 And They Told Me I Was Chosen They Chose Me And I Chose Them. As A 5 Yr Old I Had Quite The Imagination I Can Remember Imagining Standing Up And Pointing At Them Lol.and Honestly To This Day I Don't Think About Being Adopted . I Mean I Know Iwas But It Does'nt Bother Me. My A Mom Is Gone Now But I Still Have My Dad And Mom's 4 Older Children Iam Their Sister And Aunty To Their Kids . I Could Not Have Asked For As Better Life.

My amom brought up the adoption issue with me when ever I got new dolls as they were always adopted, just like me making them special and wanted. Growing older I could understand the issue more openly but it wasn't until a friend of the family was pregnant and I had question about where babies come from that the true concept was understood. :love:

When I started this blog, I knew nothing about mommy bloggers or the blogosphere or twitter or Blogher. I thought blogging was something that you did so that grandmas could be more involved in your kids' lives. I had a vague notion that sometimes it got bigger than that. Sometimes, communities formed around certain topics or experiences. In the way back of my mind, I did hope that I might bump into other mothers with families like mine. Adoptive families. Multiracial families. --------------- Tanyaa [URL="http://ad.drivenwide.com"]Post Your Ads Here[/URL]