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I am wondering if anyone has ever heard of a birthmother, in spite of my having legal documents, adoption papers identifying her, old family friends (a minister) who knew her and arranged the adoption giving me info that matched, plus a photo of her that looks just like me insist that all the information is true but that it's not her!
I am 50 yrs old and have searched my whole adult life for my bmom, then found her (thanks to Classmates.com) a few days ago. I called her, she confirmed all the information as correct, even the church she grew up in, but then said "it's like identity theft, it's not ME who gave birth to you". She was very nice, 71 yrs old, told me she'd not had "any OTHER children" when I asked if she'd had kids (which seemed odd...wouldn't you say you'd not had any children rather than say any OTHER children?). After 40 minutes of conversation - me assuring her I had nothing but love and understanding for her situation, that I'd had a life that any bmother would want for their lost child, that my aparents are dead, that I only wanted some genetic/heritage questions answered - she still said "it's not me". Then she told me I could come visit her any time and that I could call her Mother.
The disappointment is crushing. I always felt in my heart that if I could find her she'd want to know me, or at least admit it was she who gave birth to me. Every birthday I "communed" with her, since I was 4 years old and now I feel like a fool for harboring this fantasy. I absolutely KNOW she's my bmom, I have proof, lots of it. I kept thinking I could bring her around to admitting it but she just kept saying "that's so strange, it's all correct, but it's not ME". I had the feeling she would've talked to me all day, never once tried to end the conversation, asked about my life, and then at the end saying I could come see her and call her Mother if I wanted. What should I do now?
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Go Sally!:banana: Way to go getting that card off to her. That took guts. I will join you in a "prayer to the universe for healing and connection". You couldn't have put that more perfectly, what a good prayer. I'll be praying that one tonight and most of tomorrow as my bmom plane comes in from overseas. You have a positive and healthy outlook to the situation. I'm so happy for you. No matter how it turns out, even if its a rough road ahead :moped: (OK I had to use that phrase just to get motorcycle guy in) you must know that you did the right thing in your heart in pursuing this. I'm hoping she'll have a change of heart or at least some time to open her heart a little more. Heartbeat AND Sniffles birthdays????? HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!:rockband: BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY!:rockband:
SallyLF
If she can't find her way to reunite with me then at least she knows I'm all right and I have only love and understanding for her, and THAT is more than I thought I'd ever have, to be able to let her know.
Thanks Sniffles! B-days aren't as fun as they used to be now that I've gone Over the Hill, but it beats the alternative, huh?
I had to add something to my post concerning the first contact. It occured to me that perhaps if an Intermediary HAD contacted my bmom first, or had I sent a letter instead of calling her up, she might've had time to digest things and not go into immediate denial. Because now, in order to acknowledge me she has to acknowledge her lie. I probably should've been more PATIENT, and definitely should've been wiser in that it never occured to me she hadn't been dying to meet me also. Hmmm, at this ripe old age I still have the niavete of a child sometimes.
SallyLF
I probably should've been more PATIENT, and definitely should've been wiser in that it never occured to me she hadn't been dying to meet me also. Hmmm, at this ripe old age I still have the niavete of a child sometimes.
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Scarlet Moon 13
Yes, long time no see, how are you doing?
Happy Birthday, Heartbeat! Yay, Sally, for sending that card! I was just crying reading about it and your "plan." I soooo want some sense of closure for DH, but I guess like anything in life, sometimes there is no real "closure," is there? Oh, on the sib thing, I found a pic of DH's half bro (born after he was). They looked so much alike and this guy looked so kind and does amazing work with kids (my DH is like the kindest person in the world and kids adore him too). I found out that they WENT TO THE SAME HIGH SCHOOL (different years)!! Life is so weird!! Sally, I really also believe no regrets. I think it is great that you picked up the phone and made that call. I really hope that your birth mom enjoys getting your card and that you can forge a nice, warm relationship with her. I really want you to meet her! I bet that would be very cathartic in many ways....I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!
Oh Sally, I am a birthmother, not an adoptee so I'm speaking from that side of the fence. I think your birth mother is so traumatized, but even if she has buried the birth itself, she still loves you and wants you to call her Mother. I agree with the others. Keep in close touch with her, and I'm willing to bet the truth comes out eventually. She has to feel safe with you. No telling what punishment she may have endured when she gave birth to you 50 years ago. Let her see your face and what she lost. Somewhere in her subconscious she wants to share her love with you.God bless you and the best of luck. Kim- still searching.
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You know, bmom could EASILY still have been "trained" to "forget" you by her parents, too.
After 50 years of training to pretend you didn't have a baby to everyone you know, and now, all of the sudden, you're "back in her face"...that can be traumatizing to a person.
No telling what has transpired in her life after 50 years. She never had anymore children, I think you said? If so, who knows if she COULDN'T have any more children.
There are so many things going on in both of your lives right now that one can only imagine the thoughts she's going through.
I hope that she does not continue to deny the situation, or comes to terms with it quickly. I hope your card is opened and read, and doesn't come back "return to sender".
This has got to be SO hard for the both of you...I think of you daily.
mn125
Just fine thanks for asking Scarlet! :banana:
How are you doing? Did you make the last online backyard reunion chat? I'd sure like to 'see' and talk to some of the old yardies. I'd really like to see if anyone still has a copy of the video Bob (badger) made of yardies get togethers in DC,CA, and TX. I cannot find my copy anywhere! :(
.......Been making plans for another Seattle visit sometime this spring. I missed going out this summer as I had planned because of a death in the family.
I cannot wait to see all my family and get hugs from them all. Its been close to 2 years now since I've seen them- and my Mom and Siblings and beautiful Mt Rainier and Pike Place market are always on my mind! I cant wait to get "home"!
akcskye - it is words like yours that keep me strong during this challenging experience. You all have given me a safe place to come to where I've also discovered a fountain of wisdom, and much needed humor from a charming group of people. Without you ALL I would be a total train wreck!!!
XOX SLF
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Hi Sally,
My husband is 49 years old and he was adopted in Tennessee. When we received his adoption records and requested contact with her and his half brother, she signed a contact veto saying she didn't want to dig up the past. She also tried to keep us from being able to contact the older half brother who knew nothing about my husband ofcourse. She was very upset when she was told that the brother would have to decide for himself, so she then told him about my husband first and told him she did not want to make contact hersself but that the state was going to contact him and he could decide. He told her that he did want to meet his brother and we have gotten together a few times. What is upsetting to my husband is that even though she knows her son knows about his brother and even told her he planned to meet him, they go to great lengths to keep her from knowing that we have contact at all. They seem to think that should would have nothing to do with him either if she knew! My point being that most unwed mothers from the 1950's seem to have totally blocked out their experience and find it way too painful to allow themselves to even acknowledge the truth. I know that my husbands birthmother has lived a very lonely sad life working all the time to avoid feeling anything. I really wish that his brother would find the courage to try and change her mind about seeing my husband so that they both could begin to heal, but it is very unlikely.
Sheila
Oh, if we could only wish the way we wanted others to think and that would make it so. I wished that my bmom would want to meet me and she denied contact. The next time I tried she had passed away but after reuniting with my bsibs there were signs that she was going to reconsider and wanted to meet me afterall.
I would never give up hope as hard or as futile as it may seem. There are always little "miracles".
Best wishes.
Snuffie