Anyone Have An Open Adoption Where Extended Birth Families Don't Know

My Husband (not the birth father)'s paternal side of the family didn't know about the Munchkin for a very long time. It was draining on the both of us. Josh told them this past summer.Secrets have a way of outing themselves, anyway. Just because someone isn't ready to tell someone now doesn't mean that they won't later. I had to become comfortable with my role as a birthmother before I allowed others to enter into my world.

And on the flip side, Leigh, DH and I are also keeping our visits with the birth family "secret" (they know we write, send pix, etc.)....This is really as a result of a couple of things: DH's feeling like it will be DD's place to tell our extended family about visits if she decides to (DH is himself adopted, and thinks he knows "best" sometimes - - annoying!) and frankly, the "uneasiness" I think our (relatively old) parents would have with the thoughts of visits (why? not sure, "old school" stuff). I hate secrets....hate 'em...they eat me up...

[FONT="Century Gothic"]I hate them as well and that is something that my therapist and I are working on. I only remember my moms reaction to when my brothers girfriend (now wife) was pregnant and they told her. I think because of her reaction I don't want to tell anyone in my family. Funny thing is J's bdad's family (most of them that I know personally) do know about J. B told them one night when he was having a hard time about it but he doesn't want me to send them pictures. :grr: :grr: [/FONT]

Leigh, I'm glad you are working on that in counseling. Sometimes I think I really need to talk to a professional about some of the stuff I am feeling/dealing with (my DH just last night "found" his birth mom, not contacted her yet, and it is really, really emotional -- I don't know what he is going to do yet). I obviously only "know" about being an a mom and married to an adoptee, but I am very aware of the pain and loss that is involved in adoption...not just on the birth family side but also on the adoptee side. It was so weird to "discover" things about DH's birth family and realize that he should simply have known these things all his life (imo). It's funny because I was thinking last night, would Dh's birth mom like to see pictures of him/me/our DD? I can't help but think that (at a minimum) she would and that she would want to know how he is doing. I have to keep remembering that when I think about trying to "spare" DD's birth mom stuff and realize that I am sure she is glad to know how well DD is doing, how happy she is, how much she has bonded with our families, etc....

[FONT="Century Gothic"]OMG!! I am soo happy that he found her!! IMO I think that counseling is good for all involved. With talking with E some other things have come up and I have been seeing her for the past 2 years on an almost weekly basis. We are covering alot of stuff and lately most of it is not adoption related. I think it could help you understand where he comes from since he doesn't want anyone in your extended family to know. I know that J's extended family has a hard time dealing with open adoption. They have said as much to my therapist when I had her call them on some stuff I couldn't handle. I should say they are doing educating on their side since they still think I will "take" J back. :grr: To me -- I told them that I wanted to see pictures of J with everyone. I mean be realistic. She isn't going to always be smiling (wrong girl is a camera ham:rolleyes: ), she will not always be clean and there will be family around. So I have a picture with J and dad, J and mom, an uncle, friend and cousin. It shows me her "real" life so to speak. Sorry for rambling :rolleyes: :flower:[/FONT]

Not rambling, at all! I appreciate your comments and insight!! I think that misperception (the "taking back" of the baby ala Lifetime Movies) is one of the reasons my parents might "wig" if they knew about our visits. But they have surprised me so far (in a good way) so I really do want to tell them soon!

Oh I hope that you do!!!

Loveajax: I know you know some of my story, and I am one of those b-moms who have kept my DD a secret. I can't tell you how much I hate it. I was so emotionally screwed up during my pregnancy, largely in part that b-dad was less than supportive, one minute he was telling me he was there for me, the next minute when I went to him he insulted me or told me I was a liar or flat out refused to talk to me. Mind you , there was nothing that happened in the relationsnhip to make him not trust me, I was kind of stupid for him, KWIM? So the back and forth left me emotionally drained. I also could not believe that he refused to take responsibility, if he would have just walked away it would have been better than what I went through. I was so naive, and I kept thinking if my childs own father won't be there for me, what's to say anyone else will? I realize now that I'm older that it wasn't true, but in my 17 year old highly emotional state, another rejection was something I could not handle. It helped that I was in college 800 miles from home, and I was not carrying big and leggings and flannels were in style. Now that I am in contact with my daughter's a-mom again, I realize that the secret has to come out. It willhard enough for my DD to understand all the circumstances about her adoption, I'm sure, how do I tell her that I'm hiding her from my family? I'm sure that would hurt her greatly, like I'm ashamed of her, and that would break my heart to have her think that. I don't know the first thing about how I'm going to do this, I'm not good expressing myself vocally, and opening up, so therapy for me wouldn't help (I'm the master of "I'm OK, I'm fine! when I'm not!) so these forums have been a tremendous help to me in terms of purging emotionally and preparing myself for each step in this journey. I'm not ready right now to handle the fallout emotionally, and ironically my daughter's A-mom is keeping my communication a secret from DD until she can handle it emotionally. All these secrets.... One thing tho, my daughter's A mom did ask me if I ever told my parents, and mentioned that she never felt comfortable with that, but she was afraid to interfere because she wanted my DD so much. I told her I agreed that I hated the secret too, but in reality things would have been different. Had I told my parents during christmas break when I was supposed to, they never would have sent me back to school, and I never would have learned from my roomate upon my return that her sister's friend wanted to adopt. it doesn't make it OK, but this is why I always say i have no regrets, because one little do over could have changed things dramatically! Sorry so long, sometimes when I start, it just all comes out, LOL!!!!;)

Thanks, Browneyes.....You are such a lovely woman. I know how secrets can "eat you up." I also cannot imagine being pg when I was in college. I would have probably had an abortion (god! I hate to say that, but I dunno) and certainly could not have told my parents (they were sending me to an expensive Catholic college!). I am sorry your DD's birth father was a knucklehead! I have always found that being "open" and honest IMMEDIATELY is easy, it's when things are swept under the rug even for a little while that I get filled with dread! I am so glad that you are communicating with your DD's amom and that is going well!

Thanks Love, I try! :grouphug: Actually, it's weird that you should say that about college. When I found out I was pg the few weeks before I left, my friends all pushed me towards abortion, it wasn't a verbal thing, it was just assumed that I would do that, and I was so numb I went along with it. DD's b-dad being a knucklehead actually bought me time (I couldn't pay for the proceedure myself I needed his help and he kept bailing on me) and I had to go to college still pregnant, 800 miles away in a whole new part of the country. that's where my new friends kept asking what my choice was, it was such an eye opener, i forgot that I had a choice, and that I wasn't comfortable with the choice everyone had made for me. Oddly enough, a few years later b-dad confessed that he was glad I chose adoption, because he's actually against abortion, but never told me. (don't know why he never did :rolleyes: ) See? Everything does happen the way it does for a reason. Baby steps, and I hope everything works out for you !:grouphug:

((((Browneyes)))) When you feel comfortable and safe you will be able to tell your parents. You know I'm here for you sister!! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

In the adoption wit our 4 year old, the BDad wasn't told for about a year & the BMom's extended family STILL doesn't know. Her parents & sister are the only family members that know. When our daughter was a few months old & her BMom was visiting, we got a call that her Dad was betting his kidney transplant. We drove back to the hospital. When we got there BMom's Mom met us in the lobby. She told us that BMom's Grandma was upstairs. She was told that we were friends from church & that they were our daughters Godparents!!!!!! I sat there in the room watching with such sadness as our daughter GREAT GRANDMA ooohhhhed & ahhhhed at her. She even held our daughter! It tore my heart out, this poor woman had no idea she was holding her very first great Grandchild! This Summer our daughters BMom got married. We were asked not to come to the wedding so that no one would accidently find out who we were. I was so hurt! We have such an AWESOME relationship with BMom & her parents. It hurt us to not be invited to such a special event. BMom had always talked about our daughter being the Flower Girl at her wedding. But they still hadn't told anyone. BMom is pregnant again. Everyone is sooooooo excited about the "First Grandchild". BMom tells me it's time to tell everyone, before the baby comes. I hope they all understand why it took her 4 years to do it. Deb

DebC'sMom, that must have been surreal!! I hope that everything works out well...

We are in a similar situation. Immediate family knew about the pregnancy/adoption but not extended family. The birthmother was going to get married and had asked our daughter to be the flower girl. Our daughter is an exact replica of her birthmother and I did tell the birthmother and birthgrandmother that they needed to tell the people who were going to be at the wedding or they were going to have some people fainting in the aisle....In all seriousness, it is not your place to tell them and in my opinion it is totally up to them to make that decision. I know how you feel about your child being a "secret" but I think this is just one of the aspects of open adoption that we have to deal with.

In 1994, my husband found out he had a 7 year old daughter.Although she was not given up for adoption but 19months ago she gave my husbands first grandson up. Back in 1994, fathers rights were nil, once DNA proved he was the father they took child support but would not give visitation. It took us until October 30, 2006 to find his missing daughter. After talking to her we found out that she had been on her own since she was 16. Her mother would not help her find her dad. All she had to do was type his name in any search engine and it would give his number at work, home, cell phone and email. But she was not given a full name. When they were doing the adoption for her son, we came up in conversation but apparently no search was done to locate us. We understand and respect the importance of adoption as my husband himself was adopted at birth and we are trying to find his bmother and bfather. We have a little different of values, we would have cared for her son at the drop of a hat. The adoption was finalized in february 06. We are extremely saddened with the fact that we were not contacted. We will miss out on his precious life. My husband is taking it very hard. We have 6 children including his daughter that we have just located, they range from the age of 3-18. I also just lost what would've been our 7th. We have a very unique family and we love it. I agree that every child should have one mom and one dad, but children can never have too many Grandparents. I hope that our story helps all of you make the best choice for your babies. We are patiently waiting for the decision of the family who adopted our grandson. I thank everyone for doing their part in giving every child a happy home. That is everyone's job. Happy babies are very important.