News about my struggles

Thanks for sharing with us Dianna! I have 4 different situations with my girls too. I don't have the greatest of relationships with my older daughter who way back when walked away from us to live with b/family. It is HER choice, not ours. Our doors are always open and when she makes a choice to call, we are here and love on her. She is married now and I don't really ask about her relationship with her b/family. She is ruining her relationship with her husband whom we love dearly. Like you said, Dianna, "not living with the daily stress and tension has been a blessing. Her poor hubby deals with her now. My second daugther is 31 and has no desire to reunite as of yet. My 3rd daughter struggled for a long time but is in a better place now. My youngest is a blessing to us. She has given us the most love and appreciation even though she had the hardest trials to overcome. She loves us dearly. Each one different. Each one loved. Lynn said: I am so glad you shared your experiences with us. I feel good knowing that some relationships work out and some don't seem to and we can all benefit from telling our experiences, great and not so great...it is with the sharing that comes acceptance and understanding and friendship and support...HUGS and LOVE to a courageous mom who isn't afraid to share, warts and all, with the rest of us who are just trying to make sense of the mysteries of adoption/birth/family. I love everything you said my dear friend, Lynn!! Take Care Dianna! Hugs, Sharon

Wow, loved what you wrote, gives me hope!

How are you doing earthmom4? Reunions can be very challenging to say the least. We need support.

Thank you for asking Love4; My feelings have run the entire range of what so many of you have already posted over the years.... It is really a difficult and challenging time!

I sent you a private message if you would like to chat more. I understand the challenges. Take Care.

I'm a new member, an adoptive mom, whose 18 dd recently reunited with bmom. I've always shared a very close relationship with dd. The teen years have been very rocky and still are since she was about 15. These are trying times, but in spite of them I still feel very secure as my place and role as mother in dd's life. Our distance began when she started making poor choices on her road to discovering who she is...her fight for independence. She pulls away from the morals/values she was raised with desiring to experience what the world has to offer. She is the type who needs to learn from her mistakes versus taking any advice. Her reuniting with bmom took place last year when she was 17 1/2, and because of her current place in life, I did not think it a good idea, but honestly didn't have much choice other than to allow it to happen. Hers has been a semi-open adoption. We met the bmom at her birth and left the hospital with dd when she was a day old. I always held the utmost respect for bmom and so very grateful for her decision to place dd with us. I continued to update bmom with letters and pictures, until a day when I received a call from bmom's then ex-husband who told me she left him and their kids & no longer lives at the address I send updates to. He is not the bdad to dd. Dd was around 7 at that time. Bmom left no contact information for me to continue. Through the years DD would hear only occasionally from the half bsibs. Fast forward 10 years later after no contact from bmom, she contacts DD, not me, and tells her she wants to meet her. I was all for it, although I was concerned about the teenage struggles my dd was/is going through and wondered if the timing was right, but of course DD is all excited by now at the prospect of meeting. She was determined to do it with or without me. So our family sets out to travel for an adoption reunion. I felt it went fine, although odd for embraces, hand holding, instant bonding, as though they were long lost souls and never strangers. I just felt it would have seemed more genuine if they had taken time to really get to know one another. I gave them, bmom & sibs, the private space they needed to do some sharing. Three days later as we are returning home, DD starts being distant from me. She tells me bmom jokingly told her she knew I was going to be the type to keep DD in frilly dresses. That should have been my first hint that bmom was not going to respect my role in DD's life, but I shrugged it off as harmless. Six months later as DD graduates, her bmom tells DD, again not me, that she wants to come to her graduation. As most of you know, those are usually the most busiest of times planning this milestone, but I embraced it with open arms and went so far as to invite bmom & the sibs to stay with us. Our plans for a home party and also a church event honoring the grads were already in place and I let bmom know ahead of time what the family plans were. She said she would attend BOTH family events and DD was so excited looking forward to it. Mind you,dd had been away from church the past two years, but was looking forward to attending the event for the grads and reconnecting with our Pastor whom she use to share a closeness with. It was an added plus to her to have her bfamily there as well. The weekend arrived, they are staying in our home. Made it through the grad ceremony, but the evening before church, bmom begins privately telling me how they are not church people and would rather stay away from that event. This after saying she would come. I finally had to tell her that DD would be so hurt because she was now counting on them being there. Bmom then tells me, she is trying to let me know that DD does not want to attend and how she is just trying to help DD out & get her out of it. I was speechless and a knife went straight through my heart. She is acting as though I don't have a clue about my DD and she needs to be her advocate. This coming from a person whom other than a genetic connection is nothing but a stranger as they still have spent very little time getting to know each other, other than the pleasantries. There was not time nor privacy to talk to DD to find out what was going on. Needless to say, DD did not attend the church reception to honor her & stayed home with the bfamily. The entire stay became all the bmom and catering to her, actually taking away from what was to be honoring a milestone in DD's life. After they leave I find out from DD how she very much was looking forward to the church thing, but once she learned they did not want to attend she played it up to them so they would feel comfortable. How at that point she would have been disappointed to attend church without them, so she really did want to stay at home. I tried keeping my deepest private thoughts to myself, but inside I don't think I've ever been so disrespected in my life...especially by someone I opened up our home & heart to. Never once did bmom acknowledge me as mom, thank me for her stay, nor for raising DD. I see her now as self centered and extremely selfish. Since that time DD made a trip to see her before leaving for college, again an invite to my DD from bmom without coming to me first. DD came back from that visit being very distant. We finally had a talk and come to find out they shared things they don't like about me, apparently too the sibs shared with DD things their mom has negatively said about me. It is almost as though she is grooming DD to distance herself from me and how she is ready to take over now. I certainly don't feel like I've been a babysitter for 18 years, but I cannot help but think that is the way bmom views me. She shows absolutely zero respect. DD is very confused, already was about her search for self. She wonders what her life would have been like & wonders what she may have missed out on if she had been raised by them. I see this a major interference at this point and time. I pray that DD does not become damaged by it, more than she already is. I'm glad we had that talk. She sees them as family, although this is still very much a honeymoon phase, and the bonding seems very superficial to me at this time, to the point of being fake. At least, DD agreed with me she thought it would have been better to meet them later in her life, when she is established more as her own person. I'm willing to let go and see how all this plays out. I don't really have a choice in the matter. Although it may take awhile...maybe years, I don't see theirs as a lasting relationship. How much better if would/could have been for bmom if she had gone through me instead of around me in establishing a relationship with DD. After all, it is my nurturing, morals, values, etc. that DD was raised with. I'm the one who has been there for it all. This is a triangle that needs to be acknowledged. Once a bmom chooses adoption, it is never any longer just about her & child.

I have one daughter, bio, not adopted. She is now 32 and we have a very good relationship. When she was a teen, I think she wished she were adopted so she had a different place to go. Her teen years were difficult and rebellious and she made many choices that I felt were wrong. I always joke that she started to talk to us again when she got her driver's license: Hi Mom, you aren't going anywhere tonight are you? I had so many of her friends' parents tell me what a wonderful girl she was. (I always wondered where she hid that girl when she was home.) When I was in college I loved having my parents come to visit. She basically put out "keep away" signs. Even when she graduated, she didn't get us tickets that we could be in the actual place where they graduated. We watched in on big screen tv. It's funny, the pain wells up when I write about it. Throughout, I worked to remain available to her (Following advice I gave to my mom when one of my brothers really pulled away during adolescence). It's so hard not to try to pull them in closer, where you want them to be. I guess my advice is to try to keep the lines of communication open. Find positive things to talk about if you can. Having said all of this, I am not a mother through adoption. I hear your pain, but I haven't experienced that same pain. I relinquished my rights to parent D. (That has a pain of its own, btw). I have no right to try to pull D out of his family so he can be a part of mine. I don't believe it's an either or though; D will always be my firstborn and I love that he is now in my life. I would be very upset if he chose never to contact his parents. I do hope that your children will learn to navigate between their families.

I hear your confusion and pain...raise a child only to lose them to the b-people later on...lousy, but happens all too frequently...been battling this for almost ten years now. I did raise a daughter, but am not a part of her life for reason still confusing to me...partly because she seldom has a phone and lives with a controlling man, a man her b-father raised...a man who had the life she was removed from...confusing and complex and you are SO right...it is NEVER just about the child...hugs and love...I hear your pain...message me for more support. Lynn

I understand the pain of reunion as an adoptive mom. The emotional roller coaster ride is sometimes agonizing. My daugthers birthmom has been on a mission to take my daughter back. My daughter is vulnerable and has given all her time to her birthmom. Thankfully my daughter is going to a therepist now who has told her that she has been very disrespectful to us. The therepist told her that her birthmom has been very disrespectful to us also. Birthmom has even taken up all my daughters time with her husband causing problems in my daughter's marriage. My daughter has been distant with us for years now. I know the feeling aknowingmom. Lynn and I both understand what you are going through. You are not alone. There are others who are going through what you are going through.

So well expressed love4...perfect.

Aknowingmom, that woman is rude and there is no excuse for her having no class what so ever.I wish your daughter was not stuck trying to "fix" her because she needs professional help and much more than your young daughter can do. She has heaped all her trashy habits onto your daughter. I do understand some adoptee's need to please because I spent years trying to fix my birth family and really it has nothing to with my adoptive family except trying to give them the morals and common sense that I was raised with. It sounds like your dd is doing that too, but some people are not interested in becoming a respected human being.

Wow! Thanks to all of you for your replies. It is so nice to come to a place like this and find the support for what we are going through! Lynn and love4, I read through quite a few of your posts and feel for what you have/are going through too. Legal it is nice to hear from an adoptee who gets it. You said it all when you said bmom has no class. I'm not sure if her lack of appreciation is intentional, but regardless I don't need people like her in my life and will hold her at a distance. I'm not a doormat for anyone. It was hard for me to find support outside the adoption world because those same people thought I was nuts for entertaining her in our home to begin with. When the problems arose they blamed me for opening up our home to her. Basically telling me I ask for it. I don't regret "hosting" her. I still know I did the right thing. Will I ever open up our home again...NO...never again to someone who has no clue how to be a guest.

I like what you said here legal. Thanks for sharing that! A friend of mine has a son who left her to be with his birthfamily who needed help. I think my youngest daughter would try to help her birthfamily as she is a great caregiver. She is always trying to help someone. She has a good heart and is vulnerable. Her friends have used her big time. Like you said, legal, some people aren't interested in becoming respectable human beings.

I'm not so sure my DD is trying to help bfamily. Making them feel comfortable...yes. I think she was just trying to make a good fit of herself into their lives, trying to be what they want or perceive her to be. Heck at 18 she is emotionally young, not quite sure who she is herself as she is on a road to discovery. Was she being accommodating, yes. Was she being real, no. I think bmom sees DD as an extension of herself. The resemblance is certainly there, more with DD than the sibs. Bmom seems to have a difficult time acknowledging that DD may have likes and dislikes apart from hers. Bmom is in denial that another part of DD exists. Adoptees are part of two worlds, the genetic and their upbringing. To embrace one and not the other is not truly loving that person, nor looking at her as an individual developing her own identity. This reunion is in the beginning stages. Of course, DD wants to be liked by them, so when she is with them she is trying to be a person that fits in with them.

It truly sounds like bmom has some work to do on herself;unfortunately, first she will have to admit she has a problem. As you know, you can't change her. You can set your boundaries. She doesn't have to be your best friend just because of her relationship to your daughter. Hopefully, as your DD enters adulthood, she will be able to develop as a unique individual. I truly believe that some bmoms do themselves in with the hope they maintain that after 18 years they will be back in their Bchild's life and can make up for lost time. It is of course impossible. Often the poor "child" gets caught in the middle. (Until the dreaded "pull back" happens.) When I found D he was fully adult and in a good place in his life. I didn't expect him to become the little boy I "lost" to adoption. He is comfortable with who he is and I have enjoyed getting to know him. He does look more like me than my other two and I have been amazed at the amount of "nature" obvious in him. He is certainly not a clone of his bdad or me, nor is he a clone of his aparents. It seems to me that relationships with adult children (adopted or not) go best when we respect them for who they are. (My mom always said "When I'm 90 and you're 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do." I promised myself NEVER to say that to ANY of my children.)