I Don't Belong Anywhere

you could be telling my story....I am currently 2 yrs into long term therapy...not so much for the adoption issue but from the not having had a "good enought" mother to help heal the gap of adoption... My t says I am abilvant! that about explains how life had become for me....I think whether I'd been adopted or not I would have had problems with my amother if she'd been my bio mother anyways.... Anyways I hope you decide where and how you want your tomorrow to be...you alone now have the power to do that.

I am not and adoptee but an amom and read these forums to help educate myself about how my children may feel as they get older. I am terribly sorry for the absence of your amom but I will tell you that she sounds just like my birthmom and my dad. I cannot tell you how many times growing up I wished that I was adopted. Then I would at least have some hope that SOMEONE would give a hoot. Then I was told the most amamzing the by a therapist after after YEARS of therapy and a nice long bout with bulimia. After discussing my parents over and over my pat answer was always "I know they did the best they could" and finally he looked at me and said that admitting that my parents did a crummy job was not a betrayal. It did not make me a horrible person and daughter to say that they were self interested and emotionally neglectful. It was the most freeing experience of my life. Creating life does not make one a good parent. My mothere NEVER should have had children but she did and my job for myself has been not to be the kind of mother she was. I wish you all the best in getting free of the feelings but please try to really understand that bio or not, too many people who take on the job of parents are simply not up to the task. When people imply that with adoption you don't know what you are going to get (implying that there will be someting wrong with my children) I always say that most really screwed up people are raised by their bio parents.

I completely understand your feelings, my adoptive mother left my adoptive father about 3 weeks after I was placed with them. She returned but our relationship has been one very turbulent ride as far back as I can remember. This coming June it will be two years that I have known my birthmother. I have two older siblings and 4 younger, my one sister, (right after me) was surrendered as well and she and I are building a wonderful relationship. If not for her, I would also feel that I still do not belong anywhere. By saying my adoptive mother "did the best she could" only continues to allow her off the hook. She should NEVER had been approved to be an adoptive parent but in the early 60's I think adoptive parents no matter how qualified were viewed as saints for taking in the children no-one wanted. Good luck to you in your search if that is what you intend to do. I think your insight in knowing that you would never parent your children the way you were parented (by your adoptive mother) is wonderful and I commend you for that. :)

I can understand how you feel - I too was adopted by someone who shouldn't have been approved to adopt - all I can say is I hope things are different now than they were then (in the 70's). My question is, what do you do with the anger? I get better for a while and it seems like it's gone and then it comes back. Is it just something we have to live with?

I would like to thank those who responded to my original post. I'm still stuck and don't know how to confront my feelings and isses with my adoptive mother. Each time I speak with her (not often), I feel like I need to say something but I can't. I would like to hear from someone who was/is going through the same issues.

I'm so sorry that your amom was so absent, that's how I have often felt about my adad. A couple of years ago I confronted him, he didn't take it too well, but it was sooo great to get my feelings out there and exposed. He has negated taking any responsibility for his actions, and through a lot of thinking I have come to the realization that I don't really need him to be a part of my everyday life. When I see him great, I'll be cordial, and when I don't see him, that's great too!! I always believe that honesty is the key to happiness in life....and if the people that you need to be honest with cannot accept the truth than that's not really a relationship that is valuable...and not worthy of your time and energy. B

I'm an adoptee going through a similar thing. My relationship with my afamily isn't that good, and my relationship with my bfamily is worse. I felt like I had nowhere to belong either. My husband mad me feel better when he said that I belonged to my children. I am the center of their universe and everything that I have suffered has made me a better mother and a better person. I still have some pain dealing with the situation that I'm in, but I look at my children and how I hard to try to give them what I never had, and I know that my husband is right.....I do belong somewhere.

My husband is an adoptee and has alot of hate and resentment towards the woman who gave birth to him . We do not know his bio family but I want to find them so my children and I know where he cam from and a family medical history we dont have any of that info I think alot of his hate and anger towrds them is due to the stories that were given to adoptive parents about bio parents my husband was given the story that he was the product of an affair and altimatum she supposedly had 4 children before he was born and her husband made her give him up or lose her family . I have talked to several other adoptees that were given similar stories and can understand my husbands feelings but it doesnt make my wanting to find them any less important to me. I think knowing where you came from or whose "nose" you have is important to a child or adult . Having a history of family and traditions before your date of birth or decree date. These simple things can give so much insight as to "Who you are" and "Where you came from". My husbands adoptive family (mom and dad) didnt really discuss adoption they just did it cuz they thought the other wanted it and well that made for a turbulent childhood for 3 adoptees , my husband and his adoptive brothers a set of twins. I dont know if what I have said here helps but alot of adoptions were done because noone knew what they wanted when it happened. Maybe that was the case with both sets of parents. You are a mom , let that be your most important role in life , let that define you .

Hi, I hope it's okay that I chime in. I'm not an adoptee, but I am somebody who grew up feeling like my mom didn't want or love me. We've made our peace now, and I'm so glad to have her in my life.For me, I think that repairing our relationship required two important leaps: the first was that I had to give up having any expectations of her. My mom is really flighty---she makes big promises but never follows through, she talks a big talk but rarely does what she says she will. I spent my entire childhood feeling so upset that I couldn't count on her. Now I KNOW I can't count on her, so I don't. I'm not disappointed any more, because if she actually follows through, it's a wonderful surprise, instead of having her flaking out become the surprise.The second thing was that my mom became willing to own up to her part of our botched relationship. She admits she was a pretty crummy mother when I was a kid. She apologized, and I forgave her. I don't know if you'll ever get your mom to that point, or to what extent your mom's apology will be necessary. Maybe you can find a way to forgive her even if she never apologizes. Don't forgive her for her sake---think about forgiving her for YOUR sake, so that you can have peace.I hope things get better for you. I've been where you're at, and basically, it sucks rocks.

Hi. I know how you feel. Being adopted is like arriving in a mystery movie 5 minutes late. It is not easy having an adopted mother who you have found out didn't want you. I can't imagine that is how she feels. My feeling is she is working through her own issues of not being able to have biological children. That is the conclusion I have come to terms with my adoptive mother. She was very angry growing up... it was not easy for me either. HOWEVER, if you want to change the world, you have to start with yourself. This road is not easy that we have been sent on but we must conquer it and that means going to therapy, working on ourselves. Because you DO belong, you belong to your daughter, to yourself and to this world. THere is a seat waiting for you, you just have to claim it....

Sorry but i saw this post and i just had to reply. I think it is really for nonadoptees to understand adoptees. I definatly agree that a lot of people, not just adoptees, feel neglect and distance from their parents. I agree that parental problems just don't lye in adoption circumstances, but in many homes, not everyone is fit to be a parent. I think the issue with people adopting who are not good parents is that they are supposed to be good parents, thats why there is a screening process. Adoptees carry with them feelings of abandonment and many other issues and stigmas that are hard to cope with, and we nee good adoptive parents to love and support us. I think in order to be an adoptive parent, you should be a supper parent. As for the post i quoted above, i was really disturbed that someone would want their spouse to find their biological family so that they and their children have answers. Searching is a huge step, and completly depends on the adoptee to begin a search. No one should push an adoptee to find out information, search is a sensitive subject and a very emotional and hard process. Reunion is something that some people just can't explore, it is scary. It is especially scary for those who have not self- refelected on their own adoption issues. I guess what i am saying is nonadoptees can never fathom what it is like to search for birthparents, it is a BIG life changing deal. It is opening a part of one's identity that has been hidden. It is not just a casual thing. To the woman who started this post, I definatly feel your pain and i too and very angry. I was in the same position as you, my mom adopted me to fix her marriage with my adad. After she adopted me she still wanted a biological child, she didnt bond well with me. So she had surgery so that she could have a baby, something with eliminating endrometriosis. My mom got sick during her pregnancy and was bedridden for months, in that time i was watched by a nanny and my adad. Shortly after my mom had my sister, my amom and adad got divorced, my mom would not let my dad live in the same city as her and pretty much tried to eliminate him from our lives. My mom and younger asister were soooooo attached, my mom spent all her time with my sister, I was either with nannys or alone. I personally feel like i don't have parents. I am in a reunion that hasn't been successful, my bmom has made a lot of unkept promises. My amom took control of my life without giving me any love. She even demanded my birthdad's info from my bmom, who gave it to her, and she called his mother, my bgrandma, and she pretty much told my mom off. (it was soo embarassing and upseting). I guess what i have to tell u is follow your heart on the reunion idea. you have your husband and daughter, which is great. What i have learned is, its not my fault my mom does not love me as much, you can only do so much, and then you have to make your own decisions on how your relationship with your distant aparents will fit in your life. my favorite thing to think when i am down about this is: "you can't change others you can only change how you relate to others and how you let others affect you"

As a birth mother your first line about you amom leaving 3 weeks after you were placed with them really is hard to take.. I was too young, too inexperinced, I was unwed, I was not good enough to raise my son... I would have been physically sick to find out that the two parent house hold my son had been given to, split up after he arrived. They were after all, supposed to be better then me, more able, better off. It was bad enough to find out upon reunion that the adad was an alcoholic, that he beat his wife and when the marriage ended the adad took the boy in the divorce. I have never, and will never let my bson know how that knowledge upset me. My life was not prefect, but I know it was not worse, possibly better then he grew up in. Love to all,

I stumbled across the this while searching for something else and I know it's an old thread......... I'm nearly middle aged but I have had this feeling my whole life and always wondered if it was nuture or nature. I feel my personality is of a kind honest person and this doesn't seem to fit any characteristics of my adopted family etc It's been a lifelong struggle.