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Hi... this is my first post, I'm just looking for somewhere to be able to talk to people who understand, without being judged for once. I just need to tell my story and get this out, I apologise cos it will probably be really really long! I'm 21 in the UK, and have recently found out that I'm 6 months pregnant.
I know that might sound a bit silly... but honestly, I didn't know. I've been on the Pill for over a year, and while I've put on a bit of weight over the last few months.. I just thought it was weight gain, I had no other symptoms that I recognised at the time. My periods had been irregular, almost to the point of going altogether, since being on the Pill... so I couldn't even say when the last time I had a "normal" period was. I've even had spotting since the time I must have conceived, so I never had any reason to suspect anything. A few weeks ago that changed and I started to worry... the weight gain was starting to look a lot more bump like, my boobs have grown huge and I just felt a bit different. Felt pregnant, I guess. Stupidly I ignored it for a little while, until the baby's father finally confronted me about it.
The two of us are really good friends, we even live together... and have been sleeping together for well over a year but we're not together. Neither of us wanted or were ready for a child, so we decided that a termination would be the best option for us. I went along to my appointment, relieved that this was all going to be over. However, I had the dating scan and was told that I was actually just over 24 weeks pregnant, and so couldn't have an abortion after all. I was and still am in shock at these words. I know I probably tried to deny it to myself at first, but never at any point did I think I could be this far along.
I'm not an idiot, I know about birth control and pregnancy... but I feel like the stupidest fool around right now because of the mess I've gotten myself into. I came home and talked to the father... and after the initial shock and tears, we decided that since the option of abortion obviously was gone... we would like to have the baby adopted, as there is just no way that either of us are ready to be parents. Since I found out I've hardly stopped crying.. I just can't believe I'm in this situation. I've not been back to work... I just can't face it, or anybody. Apart from my housemates and a couple of friends, I haven't told anybody... I just want to hide away until all this is over and get on with my life.
I feel so scared and alone... even though the dad is being pretty supportive I know that inside he blames me for not figuring it out sooner, which I'm finding incredibly hard to deal with. I don't want him to hate me or be angry with me, and while I know that should be the last of my worries and I should be focusing on me/baby/pregnancy... I can't help it. I can't tell my parents because I can't do it to them... I'm planning to give up their first grandchild, and I know they'll never let me forget it. Even if they think they're being supportive.. I know that the way they deal with things will mean I'll never be able to move on from this. Don't think I'm under any illusion that this will be easy and I'll just be able to forget about everything... I'm not. I just know what I need to be able to handle this, and my parents interfering is not it. However, I just don't know how I can keep it from them... I have to see them at Xmas, and it's not gonna be easy to hide a 7 month bump is it?
I'm just so petrified about everything and it feels like I'm totally on my own with it all... from worries about getting fat (I've had eating disorders in the past), to money, what people with think of me, how we and the baby will be affected by adoption, the actual birth... everything. I can't stop crying and when he asks me what's wrong, I don't even know. It's just everything all at once, if that makes any sense? I also feel so guilty cos I was drinking and smoking all through those 1st 6 months, not taking care of myself at all. Since I found out I've hardly been able to drag myself out of bed, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up :(
Sorry for the long post, I guess I just have a lot to get out of my system. I know there are no magic fix answers to my problem, but if anybody can relate or has had a similar experience, I'd be really grateful to hear about it. Also from people who have given a child up for adoption... I know it won't be easy, but I feel it's the right thing to do. I just don't know what to expect. I'll stop rambling now, thanks for listening xxxx
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scared21
Me, me, me. I'm trying to do the best thing for my son, but I feel so guilty and selfish all the time. How can you ever be sure you're doing the right thing?
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scared21
Thanks :) I'm doing OK... I think. Very up and down, but I guess that's to be expected. Just trying to keep busy and keep things as normal as possible... seems to be doing the trick for the most part, even though I feel guilty for doing so. It's only been two weeks, it kind of feels wrong to be getting on with things already, but I just think I have to for my own sanity. I'm already climbing the walls being stuck at home... everybody says I should wait longer before getting a job, but I can't last much longer, I'm going crazy! Sometimes it hurts too much to think about him. Obviously I do think about him, all the time... I stare at his pictures all day, and he's even in my dreams! But sometimes I have to push his face out of my mind because it makes my heart hurt too much to think about him. I start to wonder what he's doing, if he's ok, and I have to stop myself before I lose it. And yet, I feel so guilty every time I don't think about him for even a minute.... basically, I wind up feeling guilty whatever I do! :( A week until I can see him again! My friend told me the other night he was worried that me having these visits is just prolonging the pain. Maybe he's got a point... after all, they're not going to go on forever. But I can't imagine what a mess I'd be faced with the prospect of not seeing him. Sigh. I just want to go to sleep and not have to face any of this, it's too much. Me, me, me. I'm trying to do the best thing for my son, but I feel so guilty and selfish all the time. How can you ever be sure you're doing the right thing?
Hi----I gave up my daughter for adoption almost 45 years ago. At the time i felt it was the best answer and it probably was. Now i wish i had done things differently but it is too late. i have been in touch with my b-daughter and we are getting to know each other. Ultimately the decision has to be yours and no one else can tell you what to do. i have been there and know what you are going through. I hope and pray that you can come to a decision that is good for all. If you choose adoption may i suggest that you have an open one so that your child may be able to contact you when they are grown if they want to. I understand that you can now write a letter to the child that will be put in their folder at the agency that you use. In the 1960's all adoptions were closed although i have to admit it was pretty easy for me to find my daughter-------it just took me 44 years to get up the nerve to do it. I wish you the best and hope that maybe i have helped you a little. Please know that you are not alone---------there are many of us out there that know how you feel and what you are going through---
Your baby is beautiful. He sure has a lot of hair. I am an adoptive mom to my beautiful daughter and I like to read about birthmoms so I can better relate to and understand how my baby's birthmom is feeling.
Until I adopted, I never realized what birthmoms go through. So sorry you have to feel so much pain. Sending you hugs.
Thanks everybody :love:
I went again on Tuesday... aah, he's just so perfect. Once again he was sleeping the whole time, but I'm just so grateful to be able to kiss and cuddle him, smell that baby smell and of course take heaps of pictures (even if they are all practically the same shot, I can't get enough!). Surprisingly... it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be. Unless it just hasn't hit me yet... of course it is bittersweet, but mostly it makes me feel better just to be able to have that time with him and see that he's doing ok. And apparently he's settling in well with the foster family, which is good :)
Brenda... I reckon he'd get more from them if he would ever wake up, lol! I did try to poke him (gently, of course haha) but he wasn't having any of it! :rolleyes: S/w said next time she'll tell the fparents not to feed him beforehand so he'll be awake for me :D
Kathy, I will eventually be able to have some input on the kind of family he is adopted into (e.g. race, religion etc) but I'm not entirely sure how that will work just yet. S/w also mentioned the possibility of meeting the aparents, which I would like... but again, I don't yet know how that will work (whether it'll depend on whether they want to etc). As usual, for now it's just a matter of wait and see :rolleyes:
Snow White, thanks for your message. I know what you mean... one of the things I have found most helpful during this time, apart from finding others here who have been in a similar situation, is being able to read posts from so many different perspectives. Birthparents, adoptive parents, adoptees... each bring something a little different, and that has been invaluable to me. For example, seeing the obvious love and commitment of aparents towards their children, and reading positive testimonies from adoptees helps me to find some sort of peace with my decision. (Right now I can't face hearing negative opinions of adoption as it's too scary and too much to handle, but over the past few months I have appreciated those views too). Anyway, I'm rambling.
Thanks everybody for your continued support... I know I've said it a thousand times, but I don't know what i would have done without you! :love:
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Thanks Kathy. How old is the little one now? Is that him in your avatar? What a cute pic!
The whole thing is feeling so strange to me. I was expecting Mother's Day on Sunday to be hard.. but it was ok. I spent the weekend with my parents, so I guess I didn't have the time or opportunity to wallow in my own misery... I kept busy and haven't really thought about anything for the last few days. Whereas I normally spent hours just looking through his pictures, I haven't looked at them for a few days now. Which of course is accompanied by the usual guilt that I'm "forgetting" DS and therefore don't care about him.
I know I can't spend every waking minute thinking about him and being sad about what's happened, and I also know you can't put a timeline on what's "normal" - but it just feels too soon to be so "ok", if you like. It's like not thinking about him, and throwing myself into plans for my future (which I haven't given a thought to until now!) is how I'm coping with it all, but I don't want to detach myself. Is it just self-protection mode kicking in?
I guess there's no normal way to feel... it's a strange situation, and whatever I was feeling would feel weird. I dunno, but I don't like it *sigh* :(
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i TOTALLY get the feelings of "it's too soon to feel ok" every now and then, but its important to remember not to be too hard on yourself. i can't look at dd's pics every day. some days its too hard, some days it's all i want to do. i just go day by day. i'm glad to hear that for the most part you're doing well with this. i definitely "hibernate" sometimes as a means of self-protection and not face up to it, because thats the only way i might be able to go on that day. hope you get that counseling referral soon! keep up on the sw!
They do that you know... they just keep getting cuter! Did you say that you will have some say in what kind of an adoption it will be? If it's an open adoption, you may be able to negotiate the next time. As I've said, my next time took 33 years but now I get to hold my son's son... (bittersweet, I must admit.) Try not to get scared over what happens afterward, instead focus on the now. We'll be here for you whatever happens.
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You are not alone I went thru this when I was only 15years old an I was alone I gave my daughter up for adoption when she was born,Im not saying itswrong or right it is different for everyone,I have gone thru alot of pain with the process but my daughter has had a wonderfull life with her adoptive parents an has had alot of opertunity that I could have never given her she is now 16ears old an a beautiful young lady we have kept in contact an text message email each other an see each other she knws who I am.I was scared to tell my parents about it but I had to an it was really scary to start with but they supported me all the way.It is a hard thing to go thru but if you have supportive friends then you will be ok. I now have 3 boys between 6 an 13years old.I have never regretted giving my daughter up but have gone thru alot of pain with it but now it is so nice to see her an talk to her,The choice is yours an if you do give baby up for adoption you will make a family very very happy. the cupple that adopted my daughter told me I had made their lives complete.Best wishes with this an one word of advice go see a councelor an talk it thru.:wings: