How do I thank the birthmother?

The truth is...how do you really thank someone for another human being? That is the trouble I have had with Bear's b-mom. They were placed in foster care together because of her age (14). We went TO the foster home with the social worker and she "gave" him to us. It was the single most heart wrenching thing I have done in my life! You hardly celebrate when a little girl places her baby in the car seat, kisses him "goodbye", stands and turns her back until you leave. How do you do that? Later she even talked to the social worker about possibly placing him with another family because we did not "hit it off" when we met. After a few visits and "Bear" writing her notes telling her how happy he was, she relinquished. But the reality is, they are not just handing you a birthday or Christmas gift, so how DOES one react? It is so hard because I know that a card, a letter, even a face-to-face thank-you will never project to her how much I love Bear. I am humbled by her decision that she entrusted me to this little life, and I will do everything in my power to do right by him. Other than that, I cartainly am not going to make a production of it every time I see her. I don't want him to grow up thinking he is a tangable object that I was just given. Maybe you should just explain that to your sister. Besides, I never wanted to stomp all over b-mom's loss either.

Maybe she's feeling forgotten about, looked over. Does anyone ask her how's she doing, is she ok? Maybe she feels that her pain is not being appreciated, maybe by appreciated she means acknowledged. She is your sister, so if she had placed her child with someone else would you ask her how's she's doing, check in with her about her grief? If she had had a different loss in her life would you check in with her about how's she's doing. At times during the beginning of our adoption I could hear my child's bio mother struggle with feeling like no one thought it was very hard for her, she wanted her pain to be acknowledged and couldn't stand that people acted like it was no big deal. I was acknowledging it, checking in with her, but there were other key people in her life who were not.Edited to add, I agree with BugnBearsMom about not thanking someone for another human being. If anything we were a gift to babe, our family was formed because of them and I am grateful for that every day, grateful to see babe's shining face, but that's not the same as saying thank you for giving me your kid to raise.

Mandalyn, I don't know your or your sis' situation, but I presume she didn't have the baby as a "gift" to you. There are likely some circumstances why she placed the child with you. I always "thank" our DD's birth family in our letters for blessing us with her. But it IS a weird thing to say really. And frankly, I also think it is important that birth parents appreciate what you are doing too (like it should be a mutual admiration society!). Do you talk regularly with your sister? Can you explain to her that you are sorry she is hurting and of course you are so grateful to be raising your child. Did your sister get counseling? Anyway, I hope this all works out well. Good luck!

Ok...dime store psychology here... I sincerely doubt that is what her issue is. My guess is she is having troubles dealing with everything because it's darn hard and painful...it's easier to put the blame on someone else... As adoptive parents, we cannot live our lives being grateful...we have to be normal too. Adoption and our gratitude do not have to be an ever-present thing.. I am very grateful to my sons birthmother....she has also expressed her gratitude to me...this is a two way street. I hope your sister has looked into councelling...it seems she is putting alot of her sorrow on you.

I think it might be more important to help her understand her place. It is hard when the children are young for them to understand where they fit, what their role is. Showing your "appreciation" might be letting her know how you fit her in to your child's birth nd adoption story, or how you honor her on mother's day. I think that might be the root of it all.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. She has mentioned counseling before, I think it would be a great idea but I think finances are the issue there. I agree that my gratitude should not be an ever-present thing, and I certainly want to avoid that. I do have a friend who brought up the two-way street bit, that she should be grateful to me as well, but it does seem as though she is trying to put this all on me to avoid dealing with her own part. She is my sister and I love her, and I want us to have a normal relationship but it is difficult with all this hanging over our heads, it is a constant strain to where I don't even want to see her sometimes. I agree that people do need to check on her and ask her how she's doing, but I am not sure that I am the best person for that. I think I am too close to the whole situation, and if she sees me as the source of her pain then I don't think there is much I can do to comfort her.

I think this is a great thing to put in a note. That, and as sugarbabysmomma said, she may be feeling like her pain is overlooked and just wants some acknowledgement of that. Good luck with this as there really is no way to "thank" someone for changing your whole life forever in a positive way - there are no words to describe it. I do think her pain needs to be acknolwedged and that counseling is a great idea for her (could you help her with that?) Anyway, I understand the difficulty here. Good luck.

I never wanted a thank you. To me, the child was not a transaction to me that needed a thank you note. Instead, watching J&D do right by the Munchkin and raise her so extremely well has been all the thank you I have needed.That said, even with how wonderful J &D are, I never "puts this behind me." The placement of my child will always be with me, in some form or fashion. A note or card won't magically take away that fact and expecting it to do so could set you up for failure. Sending a note or card is fine. But realize that she is allowed to feel her emotions. They are so very real.

I am not saying she doesn't have a right to her emotions. What she doesn't have a right to do is put them off on me and make me feel guilty every time I see her. I understand her pain is real and that I cannot possibly imagine what it's like, but I did not cause it. She is responsible for her actions. What I meant was that she needs to put this attitude behind her if she wants to maintain a relationship with me and my son. I know she will never truly get over it, but if she can't manage it enough to be decent to me then I won't be dealing with her anymore, sisters or not. If a simple thank you is all it takes to make that happen then I am willing to do that, but it will not be an ongoing thing every time I see her. And I certainly agree that if she were more mature about this, she would see that me raising him the best I can should be all the thanks she needs.

Mandalyn, I think your expectations of your child’s birthmother are a little unrealistic. Sure, it would be nice if she could just be happy and live with the consequences of her actions, but you also need to acknowledge her pain and allow her to grieve. This isn’t easy for anyone…your greatest joy is a result of her greatest pain…what you see as a happy event, she equates to the saddest event. Seeing a child happy, healthy and loved is wonderful, I agree – but it could also be a constant reminder of her failure as a mother to the child she placed for adoption.You can not expect her to feel as you feel. You can’t expect her to be happy because you think she should be happy. Having any preconceived expectations in adoption is almost always a precursor to failure. Please, take a step back and acknowledge her emotions and feelings. Tell her that her emotions are ok, because they are ok. She needs to know that its ok to be sad, upset, angry, irritated, frustrated etc…and she needs to know that you acknowledge those feelings, but that in the end, you are both there to support the child.I am not saying that its ok for her to act angry, upset, frustrated or irritated in front of the child…but sadness is a given. She is seeing ‘what could have been’ every single time she sees that wonderfully happy child with you…she is reliving the ‘what ifs’ of her decisions every time she gets a picture in the mail…those feelings need to be acknowledged and addressed…only then, will she start to be able to deal with them (notice I said deal, not get over…she may never ‘get over’ them).Open adoption is a lot of work – for everyone involved. It takes huge amounts of commitment, sacrifice and respect…just as you wish for her to acknowledge your roll as mother and the roll you play in the child’s life, I’m sure she wishes for you to acknowledge her roll as the birthmother and the pain involved in making that very difficult decision, which carries lifelong pain for many birthparents. The best way to garner respect and acknowledgment for your roll is to give respect and acknowledgment. Its hard, as are most things in open adoption – but the rewards are amazing, for everyone involved.

Just a suggestion... But I'm a Youth Pastor for a church, though not every Pastor/Reverend/Priest is qualified to council, many are- and they are free! You would be amazed at the number of girls I 'council' monthly that think they are pregnant, have had abortions, need to tell their parents they're pregnant... Anyway, I'm not sure if your or your sister attend a church but speaking w/ a Pastor would be a great start in getting help. (And you don't have to be a 'member' of a church to take this opportunity- to be honest since I work at my church- I have actually gone to another church w/ no connections to me or my family, for help). Actually most Ministers know of 'free/pay-scale' places, so if need be you could intially meet w/ someone and get a referal for your sister. Hope this is helpful. Jenn.