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:( I am really feeling down right now. Had a therapy session with my FD at the psyc hospital today and it didn't go well. She was going to be released tomorrow, but by the end of the session the therapist decided she is not ready to go home and I had to agree. FD is suffering from attachment issues and related behaviors. One accomplishment she made in the hospital was recognizing she must open up about her feelings of sadness and share them instead of stuffing them in. The area I was worried about is saying NO to her for anything. This is what starts a downward spiral for FD. I choose my battles but I need her to follow our rules. they are quite reasonable, and when she shows that she is responsible, the rules adjust. Cause and effect. Which I know she does not relate. So with her coming home, I was hoping she would feel all enlightened and cooperative about the house rules set for her. Not so. I brought up my concerns about enforcing the rules and getting cooperation. She got very defensive and upset. It evolved into a no win discussion/arguement with her crying, feelign horrible, feeling like a bad kid. And I felt so burned out. She claimed I am always, always negative, always treat her coldly, etc. That it is always about me. (I have to admit I felt it is always about her). She doesn't see how her behaviors effect the entire household when she is defiant, rude and angry. I reached out to touch her and tell her I do not feel she's bad at all, but she recoiled. We never did make sense of anything at all. She was all over the place with her agitated reactions. After FD left, I asked the therapist if I was sounding unreasonable. She said I was in a no win situation today, and that FD was clearly feeling very fragile and they will call me tomorrow. I left feeling very crummy. Things are no different than when she left home... There is an ache in my heart. We have to work out some communication issues before we can co-exist. I did get a referal to an attachment therapist and put in a call.....
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This is not about you. Kids with attachment problems blame mom for everything that doesn't go right in their lives. As for her saying you're cold and negative is also common for kids with attachment problems. The therapy session your describing is why this type of therapy doesn't work for attachment. She blamed you and devirted the discussion to avoid dealing with her issues. My son is in an RTC and does this pretty regularly. Luckily, he has a good therapist that won't let him get away with this. Can't make him participate, but won't sign his levels either.
She has to make a decision. She either can live by your rules or she needs another plan for where she's going. She cannot cause caos because she has been a victim in the past. The real world doesn't work like that and she needs to learn that now.
Sorry you are dealing with all this. I know it is very draining to here our kids tell us mean things about us. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for things I later learned weren't about me. It's hard as we want to make things better for them, but this is work she has to do. I hope the attachment therapist can help.
Yes. These kids can make us began to believe that it is our fault. It does take a while to realize that it isn't the parent, its the child. Discussion type therapy will not help her. She will either argue or give in just to charm and fool everyone. But she will not heal or improve that way. Attachment therapy is necessary. Hopefully you get a return call.
It helps so much to hear these supportive words from people who have been there. I KNOW she is in pain and probably overwhelmed. But Lucyjoy was right, she does divert the conversation till it feels like we are on a merry go round. Trying to explain that I use my "Mom" voice when I give her instructions on what needs to get done (chore, rules) had no effect. It feels like I must establish the rules before she gets home and refuse to engage in discussion on the past. That way she won't feel that I ignore the right things she's done, and she can't say I am focusing only on the negative. I hurt for her and fear for us. All this work on her and my full time job is sort of splitting me in half. From work I make phone calls and e-mails to school, therapists, doctors regarding FD, and get distracted too. I feel guilty about that. I am justifying it to myself to ease the guilt by telling myself that this work is for the greater good of the world community...saving a child.... Convincing??? Its funny/sad what you learn along the way that links to other things. My boss is an adoptee, I am learning why he might have some of the issues he has. My bio son was born with a lung disease that required hospitalization for several months and he was on oxygen for a year, making it hard to carry him around. He has always had what I consider a weird anger toward me, although he can show a conscience and express his love after the anger. He has a need to be in control too, and he can badger me to death but when I give in he tells me he hates me to show weakness. I have begun to think this might be an attachment issue. I was at the hospital every day with him except the day he was flown out of state to a bigger hospital, we had to fly on a commercial plane, he was on a private jet. Anyway, the point is that we couldn't pick him up but we did massage his temples when we could see he was in pain. I feel more sadness looking back now that I know what it did to him than I felt at the time. At the time I knew those interventions were what was keeping him alive. I am very lucky however. He is in his first year of college and is a very motivated and focused kid. Maybe I will try to carry that focus to my FD's situation. The interventions might keep her alive, as painful as they seem. I have a yoga class tonight but its the same time as FD's visiting hour and I didn't go see her last night. Darn... I could use that meditation/relaxation time. Hugs back to everyone. :thankyou: