Birthmothers over 35 at time of placement

Hi Kathy, Speaking for my birthmom here - she was 23 at the time she placed me and believes, based on what she was told by the social workers et al at the time, that it was the right thing for her back then...she was not coerced, she says...although she feels like she was lied to in many respects and might have made a different decision had she known the truth. However, we are as happy as a couple of loons now (aside from the distance thing, which creates an interesting and sometimes painful dynamic) and she says that if she had raised me, we couldn't have possibly had the adult relationship we prize so highly now. At least that's what we keep telling ourselves. I would give anything to have more time with her.

Thanks for responding Irisheyes. My reasons for placing really had more to do with my knowledge of myself than what the social workers, etc. were telling me. I don't regret the decision - which doesn't mean it was painless! I am truly loving having a relationship with him now and getting to know this adult who is part stranger/part flesh of my flesh.

I was 32 when J was born and placed, I turned 33 just over 2 months later. In some ways I was still coerced. By myself and my thougts not really by anyone else.

I guess I am the only one truely "qualified" to answer your question. I was 36 when I gave birth. I think I felt much like the women who have responded so far though. I DO believe I made my decisions on my own and was in no way coherced. That is probably due to my age at the time. I felt the choices were all mine and I dared anyone to challenge them. The cohercers did start crawling out of the woodwork and out from under rocks. They figured out right away they weren't going to get anywhere with me. You know, all those people who want a piece of the action (lawyers, agencies who smell money and adoptive hopefuls) It does help your state of mind somewhat knowing that it was your choice and for better or worse you don't have anyone to blame but yourself. Even though the choice to place my little one in her Aparents arms 18 years ago devistated my soul, it was the only way thing that made sense. Loosing her affected me in ways that I never could have imagined it would and will for the rest of my life. If I was coherced, I did it to myself just by not knowing.

Holly, I suspect you're not the ONLY one qualified to answer the question, just the first at the target age. I raised the question because I was wondering if mothers who placed as "older" mothers felt as coerced as the very young mothers often do. At 36 you are worlds away from an 18 year old in maturity and understanding. I agree though that even when it is our own decision we aren't prepared for the emotions that follow. I was 21 when I placed and 54 when we reunited and I'm still occasionally surprised by the pockets of grief that rise to the surface.

I was 35 when our daughter was born. I was newly married and this child was wanted. She wasn't planned and the timing wasn't great but we figured we'd find our way, we had all the love in the world for this baby. I had been told in the past that it was unlikely I'd have children and that had seemed to be true, so we took it as good news even though we'd just been married for 2 months and hadn't come close to talking about having kids. But being an adoptee myself I was pretty thrilled by the idea of having a genetic connection with another human being. She was born with 17 broken bones due to a rare bone disorder. We brought her home, learned about her disorder, her needs, and loved her. The medical community really came out for us - we had genetic counselors and social workers in force to help us learn what our daughter's future would look like and what we, as her parents, would need to provide. It looked bleak. She would need private schooling as public schools couldn't take children like her due to liability, she would need multiple surgeries and would likely spend months at a time with broken bones needing the comprehensive care of specialists. At that time we barely had two nickels to rub together, and we didn't have medical insurance. At the same time my mother, who lived 50 miles away, was diagnosed with Alzheimers. During an earthquake, with the table jumping and the ceiling fan swinging I instinctively picked up our daughter, too quickly for her delicate condition. She thrust out her arms as babies do, and they broke. And that's when I began to break. I called a woman whose number I"d been given. She had the same condition as our daughter and I'd been told she was "a dynamo" and would be willing to help me if I had questions. She talked me through setting the bones on my 2 week old baby. I called her on subsequent occasions and once I uttered that I didn't know if I could raise this baby, that I didn't know if I had what she needed. Long story short, this woman and her family is raising our daughter who went to live with them when she was 5 weeks old. It is a semi-open adoption. She has had all the benefits of specialists, a beautiful appropriate home to live in, a big brother, and private schooling. She has grown up in a home where her condition is more than accomodated, it is normal as 3 of the 4 family members suffer from the same disorder. I think my husband and I did the very best we could for our daughter by relinquishing her. It was nothing but an act of love. As to the point of this thread, I think had this happened to me as a younger woman perhaps I might've gone on to have other children due to the perception there was so much more life yet to live. Or maybe because I would've had morie time to heal from the grief. As it was I took it very hard and felt if I couldn't be my daughter's mother I wasn't worthy to be anyone's mother, and I put my child-bearing years behind me. Had I been younger there would've been more time to change my mind about that, if I were so inclined. I hesitate to say that maturity brings wisdom and strength while youth has more resiliancy, but it seems so in my case. I got very ill not longer after all this, with an auto-immune disorder, a chronic condition. I'm not saying I wouldn't have taken it as hard had I been younger, but I might've been more resiliant. That's sure the way it felt at the time. Also, never having considered the thought that we wouldn't raise our daughter I wasn't psychologically prepared to let her go. But I wasn't coerced in any way, in fact more people were shocked than otherwise, it was well known how much we loved this child and we had not spoken of adoption until these "better" parents materialized. ' So that's my story in a nutshell. First time I've ever written it in a public forum, and it happened 17 yrs ago. SLF

Thank you for sharing your story. I think for me, it puts into words what I believe fully - not all of us were teenagers or on drugs or prostitutes or coerced, etc. (all those wonderful stereotypes). You made a very difficult decision in what you believed to be the best interests of your child. I suspect that your auto-immune disease was indeed triggered by the trauma. (They taught us in my clinical pastoral education course to look for the trauma that may have acted as a trigger.) Again, thank you for sharing your story.