ugh...4th grader's report card..

Approach #1 Mrs.bits advice is very goodօ Ill add to that by saying my 4th grade son responds well to us discussing all the positives on his report card first. I will praise him for everything that heҒs done and compliment him on his strengths. Then I usually say something like you know how mommy had a hard time with xxx, and I had to work harder at it to improve?Ӕ Then Ill ask him ғWhat do you think that you could improve on at school? Basically try to ԓlead him but allow him to come up with the goals he wants to work on. I donԒt address every issue that he gets a check on etc., I pick out the most important ones. As for the teacher, I agree with the approach of IӒm surprised.xxxŔ and ask for specific examples of what she observed. Some teachers see 1-2 incidents and give a child a check minus for the entire semester, because they focus on those incidents. If its not a consistent behavioral issue, but rather the marks are based on 1-2 incidents, I usually say something like ғwell, Im glad to see this isnҒt an on going problem and it looks like you have it under control. I firmly believe that a teacher is responsible for enforcing the childԒs behavior in class. Yes, as a parent, its my job to raise my kids in an appropriate manner and address actual problems, but I cannot be in class with my kids and the teacher needs to enforce her rules. And Yes, itҒs my childs job to follow the rules and behave accordingly. I fully expect my child to have a consequence if he doesnҒt behave in class and I will gladly offer suggestions if askedbut in the endŅits the teacherҒs responsibility to control her classroom. I can support..but I cannot make my child behave in class. Okay, the Big Bad Momma approach. Now I warn you that once you decide to do this, you have to commit 100%. And this is not for teachers who are truly doing their best to work within the cirriculum rules and have your kids best interests at heart. YouҒll know which teacher to use this approach ontrust me. Dress in black, leather if you have it. Leather is more dangerous looking, donŒt ask me why, it just is. Develop a swaggerno, not a drunken mean swagger, just a walk that says œDont mess with me or my kid.Ҕ:cowboy: Make direct eye contact at all times, but first take off your shades slowly and deliberately.:cop: When the teacher starts complaining about your child, do not interrupt, and let her finish her spiel. Say mmmmӔ a few times and add a uh huhhhhӔ here and there. Once shes done, you say in your quiet but very firm voice. ғI have a problem with this and here is why (list reasons) Continue with ԓAnd furthermore, I dont appreciate (list wrongful actions on her part) Finish it with ғNow that Ive made myself crystal clear, I expect that weҒve come to an understanding and I trust this will not be an issue in the future. For your teacher, I'd add "Lastly, if you can't find something to smile about when dealing with your class and the parents, I suggest you find another job". This is entry level BBM lesson...if you need the advanced level lesson, please let me know. This involves the Big Bad Momma "stick", making people cry with biting words, and being the gossip of the PTA. :evilgrin:

:darth: Oh dark sith lord, you are my master!!! Great advice, Crick, thanks. I think I'm too chicken to start with BigBadMomma approach...howabout we see how this semester goes and then I may have to bring the leather and lightsaber for the February conference...:evilgrin: Frowny McScowlypants won't know what hit her. Updates: we've done the positives with J. He is right on track academically and gives each of his subjects consistent effort, so we've highlighted that. When he read his own report card - without dh or I saying anything, he just picked it up to look at it - he burst into tears and curled up in a ball on the carpet.:(He said "I'm not gonna make it to fifth grade!!" Of course we hugged him and said we loved him no matter what and weren't angry....I felt so bad that he got all anxiety ridden from the plethora of check minuses. (15 minuses out of 19 areas - it doesn't look so pretty on a report card) Clearly, some of them aren't reflective of what's going on, and some are. Tomorrow I intend to get to the bottom of that. GOOD Idea! I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with a way to make her more involved with the classroom solution. I'm going to try the SpaceBalls Test to this one...:yoda:see if she cracks a grin at the witty banter of my charming jokey self. If she doesn't, then she is PURE EVILLLLLLL and must be eliminated. As we all know I am NOTHING if not charming and funny.:banana: If I can't win my child's teacher over, what CAN I do?:cowboy:

:darth:oh dear lord, I am afraid. I am very afraid. That's one heck of an advanced BBM program ya got! EEK! :eek:

That's a good idea and I appreciate your advice. I enjoy your theory, too. It's definitely something to think about.I am also sorry we hijacked your post!Crick, I like your BBM lessons, but I sure am not a BBM! His teacher won't need BBM this year anyway. I just need to go explain to her how this is affecting my child and see if we can't come to some kind of an agreement.Thanks everyone!

The BEST threads (and IRL conversations IMHO) are the ones that get sidetracked and 'hijacked'!!!*insert hijack smiley here* you'd think there should be one! Perhaps he'd have a ski mask (balaclava) on....

You know, looking back on your post...I have a huge red flag that no one seems to have seen or mentioned... Why has this misbehavior taken until your 4th graders' report card to be reported? My son's 3rd grade teacher IMMEDIATELY tells me when he's gotten out of line at school when I arrive to pick him up, and I IMMEDIATELY take care of the problem right then. Now that you've received a negative report card...it's too late to punish the wrong doing. IMO, I would kindly go up to the teacher and ask for examples of the misbehavior and see if the teacher has any possible "triggers" for it. It may even be worth arranging a surprise visit during the times known to the teacher of acting up...some Principals will let their parents "sneak in" or watch from a window on the class. It can SURE be eye opening. Best of luck, but I just don't think you're getting the whole picture...and to be left clueless until report card time just makes me suspect... Just my .02, but KWIM?

Can we say DUH on my part! Thanks for pointing that out. I never really thought about it until you pointed it out. Kristi is right, this should of been brought up way before it was on the report card. At DS school the teacher e-mails me the day something has happened usally right after the incident. I always know what is going on before DS gets home. That away I can discuss it with him first thing.

First of all, in a standards-based educational environment, marking something wrong does not make it bad. It is simply wrong. You will agree that a backwards letter is not correct. The teacher is calling your son's attention to the problem, not to belittle him, but to show him the difference between right and wrong, the same as you do at home. Not all papers should have smiley faces on them just like not all art at home should be encouraged. If your son drew in permanent marker across your living room wall, you wouldn't give it a smiley face because it would send the wrong message. Teachers can be loving and supportive without telling kids that everything they do is right. To the original poster about child's bad behavior. Do NOT be crazy mom and DO NOT tell her you are shocked by what you see. Teachers hear that nonsense all the time and all it does is make enemies (not beneficial for your child). Instead, simply ask for specifics. Say, "I really want to help my child be successful. What are some specific problems you are seeing in class? How do you deal with these problems when they arise? I only ask because I want to try a similar tactic at home so he learns proper behavior more quickly." Also, do NOT go over the teacher's head to the principal unless you have had frequent and prolonged attempts at working with the teacher. This will get you labeled as a problem parent, not just with this teacher, but with the principal, and all the other teachers those two people know. When you go to a principal, you want to have evidence that you have made a real effort to work well with the teacher. In this way, you are making the teacher a friend. At this point you can determine whether her attitude towards your son is appropriate or not. If she is pointing things out that don't really matter or is picking on your son (less likely, but a possibility), thank her for her observations. Then when you talk with your son, you will have a much better idea of how to approach the situation so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. When he says he can not help himself, ask him why not. Fourth grade is early for boys, but sometimes emotions kick in strongly this year. He might not be able to help the tidal wave of anger, resentment, etc that he feels suddenly based on another child's behavior. This is developmental. Ask him what it feels like. Have him draw a picture that shows his feelings. Have him act it out. Then problem solve in fun or silly ways some options for him in terms of letting out a huge breath while throwing his arms around, etc. Then, begin teaching him the adult way to handle these emotions. Practice with him through role-playing. Pretend to be an obnoxious kid and ask your son to practice saying, "please stop that" , etc. Let the teacher know what you have come up with after you have had a chance to practice at home. If you have developed a cue signal, such as tapping him on the shoulder when he starts to get upset or antsy, teach that to the teacher so she has a strategy that he is familiar with. Finally, about the grade thing. That is so much better than A-F in so many ways. I realize initially it is frustrating and difficult to understand because it is new, but here is the best part. Your child can no longer be graded on an average score. So, if he fails a test and then passes the next one, in a standards-based grading system, he gets the second score on the report card. They don't get averaged like they do with letter grades. This forces the teacher to look at how a child is making progress instead of just calculating what they have turned in. In the long run, this will make your child a much more successful student, AND will force the teacher to individualize instruction when things aren't going well. I know these are all difficult and frustrating situations. I have experienced them all as a parent, teacher, and district official. Teachers can be frustrating. Our children can be frustrating. The system can be frustrating. Keeping our cool and finding the best words not only helps the situation get resolved more quickly, but it also teaches your child how to handle conflict and sets him up for future success.

This is also a good point to bring up with the teacher. To be honest, teachers often try to handle problems at school as much as possible, and sometimes don't realize until later that it is beyond them. Also, there is a possibility (this happened to me ALL the time) that the child threw away a note sent home to the parents because he knew what was in it. The point is, I think this is good to bring up, but not in an angry way. Keep your mind centered on the possibility that the teacher did try to contact you - that way you will remain calm, and when you bring it up, if she didn't really try, you are in a better position than if you go in screaming and find out that she did indeed have evidence of making an attempt.

EXACTLY what threw me so off guard. He has had issues with focusing, being too social, talking too much that I am aware of just because I know my child, but YES this stuff should have been addressed to me earlier in the semester if it was such a major problem. Well, we had our conference yesterday. OF COURSE I wasn't crazy parent...in fact, I never planned to be...my number one priority is my son...and getting to the bottom of "problem behavior" that will hinder him from learning. SO I asked her to explain what's going on, give me examples, how often do these things happen, has she seen improvement, and WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP HIM. She gave me a few examples here and there but wasn't able to REALLY substantiate a MAJOR problem with not cooperating with peers, not respecting personal property, not responsible for his belongings- she couldn't give me any examples and I felt like she was a college student and I was interviewing her or something. IMO, her negative-checking SO many areas detracted from the REAL problems of focus, attention span, time management issues that he REALLY needs help with. (telling me he got a check minus in "comes to school prepared" b/c he forgot to get a TEST SIGNED once or twice is a little much, I think) So I took her email and said I would be emailing her within the next week to check on his progress. She seemed quite inexperienced with child development...and when I asked her what I could do to help with his behavior, she had NOTHING to say. SORRY, but she's the one with the masters degree in elementary ed. Why didn't she have any ideas? THANK ALL OF YOU for contributing to this conversation. It is great to have parents to discuss this stuff with (without it becoming a big gossipy playground discussion, kwim?) :hippie:

If she can't come up with any specfic example then you need to keep and eye on this situation. I say write down everything that happened in the conference for future reference. It sounds to me like she is not giving him a chance and the first time he does something it is maked against him. This last thing about the fact that she has no ideas that could possibly help improve things, throws up HUGE red flags with me. All of DS's teachers, even the one I had a problem with, were able to work with me to help solve the problems. My advice, keep and document everything so if these problems are STILL occuring then you can go to the principal with your concerns.

Unfortunately I think it's her lack of experience as a teacher. She's a first year teacher, correct? And I'm not bashing first year teachers, but in my experience there is a huge difference. If she couldn't give you specific examples, then she had no business giving him a check minus. If she couldn't even say "well, most of the time when the kids work in groups, he doesn't participate and will find ways to distract the other students", or something like that, then in my opinion....it's not a behavioral issue. Every kid has an off day, or gosh...are kids? kwim? And it seems to me like she doesn't quite have it down yet. Personally...I would check in with her once a month to touch base, but I wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes teachers and kids just don't mesh. I've had some really good teachers and what I notice about them compared to the teachers we had issues with was their ability to communicate exactly what the problems were and ASK me if there is anything going on at home or if I've noticed anything "off" about my child. Not only that, but the better teachers don't seem to label so much, which is a huge difference too. My son's teacher had him labeled as "lazy" and when we had our conference, she actually said that. Didn't ask a darn thing or notice how hard he tried and got so frustrated that he just gave up because he felt stupid in class. Hmmm...lazy? I don't think so! (and yes, Big Bad Momma came out in the conference and lest I be called "crazy mom"...there is a HUGE difference:)) So keep your eye on it and stay in contact with her. And just remember..just because 1 teacher says something..doesn't make it true. So if your gut is telling you the teacher is wrong...go with your gut.

Inion, I don't know your personal story, but if your son is adopted, then she could easily be "stereotyping" your son as an expected "misbehaving little hellion" if she knows of his past at all. I agree...KEEP A CLOSE EYE on the situation, because not being able to totally identify problems but yet was able to feel he warranted check minuses just isn't adding up. I'd also speak to the guidance counselor at school and advise them of your complaint, ask to keep it confidential between you and him/her, but yet, that will get the GC to begin watching too. It could simply be a case of poor employee development, but don't let your child suffer because of it.

I was a school counselor for 25 years and have seen many first-year teachers. Most are totally unprepared for a classroom. Remember, they have spent 5 years in college classes learning theory and one semester being supervised in a classroom (usually a better-than-average classroom with a master teacher).Your son's teacher is probably following the advice: Don't smile at your class before Christmas. If they think you are nice they will walk all over you.

Also, the advice: When conducting a parent interview, NEVER criticize parenting behaviors. Focus ONLY on the classroom, even if the problem lies clearly in the home. Problemss with the home should be referred to the counselor or School Social Worker.

Words of encouragement and appreciation ("Thank you for taking the time to email me about the late book report, etc") will go far in making the teacher more aware of your son. Just realize that she cannot determine what is "normal" for 10-year-old boys because she never had any before.

Thanks to ALL of you for your continued input and experienced advice!:thanks: I DO believe, after meeting with this teacher, that this is clearly (mostly) a case of Newbie Teacheritis. I feel she is a GOOD teacher for my son's grade, or else the district (competitive, good paying, suburban NY district) wouldn't have hired her...but her experience is lacking. Knowing this puts me in a better position to help out where she can't. (One of the things she says to me is..."so does J say he likes the 4th grade?" with a pleading look that says (TELLME I'M DOING A GOOD JOB!!!') JUST what I think I discovered. It's given me peace of mind but its still annoying. Thanks for assuaging some of my fears here. She couldn't really substantiate many of the items, which makes me feel more capable of honing in on the real issues. If anyone has any ideas of how to get a kid to 'mature' and 'focus' by the way, let me know. LOL :rolleyes: She asked if I wanted ITA to be advised of his attention issues and "stutter"- when he gets excited and wants to talk about something he sometimes stutters- it's not a TRUE stutter as I know them but am definitely wanting to learn more aout it- so I was enthusiastic about getting another 'level involved. Hopefully they'll be on target with what his needs are, if indeed he needs extra help, OR they'll be able to tell her that he's a normal nine-year old. I WILL do this, thank you, when I next email her. So she knows I do want to hear the 'negatives'. Get more bees with honey, that's for sure.