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Hey guys. I need some help understanding something that happened with my Mom today concerning my abrother. A little history: my parents had 3 biological children and adopted 1 child. I am one of the biological children and also a birthmom to a boy who is 17, a closed adoption.Recently, via this site, I saw a post from my brother's bmom. My brother will be 21 in January. I told my Mom about it and she had said that she was going to talk to my brother about it, to let him know is bmom was searching for him. Obviously I felt like it wasn't my place to tell him that information, he's been so angry lately and I felt my parents would know better how to handle it. Also, my feelings as a bmom would definitely come through in that conversation with him and I'd never want him to feel as though he had to meet his bmom just because I wanted him to. (mind you, I'm almost the same age as his bmom)In the meantime, I emailed his bmom and thanked her for the sacrifice she made all those years ago and told her what a precious gift he has been to our family. I didn't give her any identifying information about him and was very honest with her about his current emotional state and anger over the adoption. But this morning, when I told my Mom that I had written to brother's bmom, she was very angry with me. She said that it was my brother's decision on if we responded to bmom and that I had overstepped my bounds. She even admitted that she has known for quite some time that his bmom was looking for him because bmom had gone to look at birth certificates at the hospital where he was born. My thoughts are: 1) If you've known that she was searching all this time, why not write to her back then and let her know that he was ok? 2) If it's brother's decision, why didn't she tell him about bmom's search when she found out about it? I wrote to my brother's bmom because I felt she had a right to know. I wanted to give her some peace of heart and mind...and now my Mom says that I did that at the expense of hers. What is she so afraid of? My brother is an adult, no one can take him away from us anymore, and no one wants to. Can anyone give me some insight here?
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The only thing I can think (based on the age of your brother) of is that your mother is from the dawn of the "dark era" of adoption. I know just from talking to my mother-in-law in regards to having an open relationship with our sons' birth families that the ideas and attitudes toward birth families are/were not what they are today. My mother-in-law was HORRIFIED at the idea of open adoption. She had/has this fear that the birth families are going to sweep in some day and abduct the boys. Maybe your mother has spent the entirety of your borther's life with this worry in the back of her mind too. Such beliefs and habits could be hard to overcome. She may also fear rejection from your brother and worry that she may lose her son.
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Being an adoptive mom in the closed adoption era 31 years ago is very different from the open adoptions of today. I am an adoptive mom in reunion and it has been a very, very hard journey for me. If you haven't been in my shoes you could say, "what's the problem?" The mindset was very different back then.
My daughter's birthmom DID come back and pretty much claimed her daughter. It sent my daughter on a very emotional roller coaster ride of emotions. So much so that she walked out on us and lived with them. My worst FEAR happened. I feel it could happen in an open adoption also. I know a person that it has happened to.
If you have read all my posts you would see the painful journey I am on. You would better understand what it is like to be in my shoes. It is hard to have others angry at something they have not experienced.
I'm sorry that your mother is mad at you but I am pleased that you emailed your bother's bmother. i hope it did give her some peace. It is extremely rare for adoptees to "return" to their bfamily. I know it happened to Love4 but she is the only person I have heard of it happening to. I wish there was some statistics for reunions that continue over a long period because I think that there is a very high reunion failure rate over the long term.
Difficult situation - sorry I'm a bit confused do you know if your mum as had that talk with your brother? I agree he does have a right to know his first mum is searching and it is his choice whether he follows it up. Being in the situation you're in it sounds like you did what you felt right. Had I been his first mother I would have appreciated what you did as at least I would know he was okay.
Thank you for letting your brothers bmother know that he is well. I also hope it brings her comfort.
For some reason you were the one who found her. I personally believe that its ok to give him the information and then he can decide when he is ready to pursue if he chooses.
Maybe you can help your mom with some reading material and that if she has fears, it is normal, but can be worked out.
mm
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I know it happened to Love4 but she is the only person I have heard of it happening to. I wish there was some statistics for reunions that continue over a long period because I think that there is a very high reunion failure rate over the long term.[/QUOTE]
I am not the only one. I have met several just on this site whose children reunited and have continued.