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I Previously posted as "pregnant and freaking out" Since then unfortunatley things have only gotten worst for me. I am so sad and depressed I cant cope at all. As I mentioned I still have the option of putting this baby up for adoption ( hopefully to my sister) but I am so scared about the repercussions, for me, my two kids (4&7) and my husband.
I am just so worried about the effects of this child on our life. We were so settled, and I just feel like I cant and dont want to start all over. I get so depressed every time I look at me two boys, and I feel like I ruined their life, and ours, with this third baby. Why did this have to happen to me??? I am so depressed. I feel so alone, I have never been in such a dark place. I am scared that I will never snap out of it. I am on zoloft and hopefully will start seeing a counselor soon, but nothing seems to help. No one can understand how truly bad I feel. I just want to die.
I wish I could turn back the clock and have gotten an abortion. It would have been such an easy way out, and now my life would be moving forward. Instaed I found every stupid excuse to cancell one apointment after the other, and now I'm screwed!! I thought an abortion would be hard, this adoption will ruin my life. i feel like I have no way out. I dont want the baby, I dont want to get rid of it. that is what I was saying all along. How stupid!!!!
Now all I do is read abortion web sites or abortion blogs, and lie in the dark wishing I could just drop dead.What am I going to do? How will I make it till March? At least once the baby is out I can go on drugs and fade into oblivion.
What can I do? I feel like everyone in this town will hate me if I give this baby to my sister.(no one can understand how someone like me, married happy two great kids she loves and is obsessed with could do something like that.) I will be even more isolated, and lose what few friends I have.I am scared to put it up for a reg. adoption because i dont think i could cope with that.Not remaining a part of the babys life, and besides everyone will hate me anyway. (especially my sister, considering she wants it)I am scared to keep it (which my husband, kids, and all the rest of my family think I should do, because I dont want it.
I was just at the stage were my life was moving forward, no more daycare, babysitters or nannys. I was moving forward in my job, and felt like we were just getting our feet back on the ground finanncially. I was always doing fun things with my boys, fishing, boating, taking trips...enjoying my life and our mobility. I dont want all this to end.
I am just in a spiral. Should of had an abortion, shouldn't have gotten pregnant, should've had my tubes tied... I cant move forward. I am too depressed.
Will I be able to move on from adoption?How will my kids deal? How will I deal?? Will I make it till March- I am so scared. Help. I am online all the time.someone help me.
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Just because your boys aren't turning themselves inside out for the new baby doesn't mean that you could have placed him without a reaction. Many parented children of birth parents go through a hard series of emotions to process, including fear that they, too, will be "given away" if they don't please their parents. Don't assume a child's interest in their OWN life means that they want you to place their brother in another home.
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First of all congradulations ..
Acklife ..
Count your blessings. Do you need to lose him to understand that he is a blessing to you.
One thing is you may have depression and it may effect your feeling and thinking but this is nothing to do with the new baby. May be you feel that you are powerless. But this is also nothing to do with the new baby.
Your depression will not go away if you lose him and you know what it may increase it much more.
You say that you had wanted two children and your boys are happy. But God has given you another boy. it is a fact . He is here he is perfect. Believe me losing him will be much worse than anything you have lived through.
Good Luck.
Hi Acklife,
I'm relatively new to your situation, but I think I may a perspective that will help.
Just under a year ago, I gave birth to my third child, M. The pregnancy was completely unexpected and could not have come at a worse time. I not excited about the prospect of another child at this point and began spiraling into a depression.
When he was born, I fell in love at first sight. But that love was, again, tempered by my depression. I didn't feel as connected to M as I did my other kids. Yet at the same time, I looked at him and loved him deeply. It was all very confusing and I felt very overwhelmed. I cried constantly. :(
But I have dealt with depression most of my life. One thing every therapist and every doctor has told me is that it is NOT good to make major life decisions during a depressive state. And from what you've written, it sounds as if you may be in one. Your stressed, your hormones are out of whack and now you have a new baby to care for on top of the rest of your family. What you are feeling is very common and I know once I started talking to my friends, I found out that many of them also went through periods like this before and after the birth of a child.
It's been 11 months since M was born and I can't imagine our family without him. He's such a joyful child and his joy helped me through my dark days. Next week we celebrate his first birthday. Without the cloud of my depression, I know this will be one heck of a party! :cheer:
I just want you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling. I know you mentioned being on antidepressants. If they aren't working, talk to your doctor and try something else. I know it took a couple tries or me to find the right one. Also, please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.
Blessings,
Jenny
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Congratulations on your little boy. I think you are feeling all very normal feelings at this point in the game. How wonderful that you had an easy birth and seem to be recovering well. That is great. There will still be the hormonal surges, as I am sure you remember, but don't let anyone use them against you - especially not your sister. My son was adopted in-family. In my experience, it was the worst ever. What a joke. You have never seen so many people serve their own agendas. It has sounded like that is what your sister is doing too. Hopefully, she will get past herself and support you. I think babies with older siblings really are easier. Like I said before, I worried my kids would say the dreaded, "why did you have her". But they have been the most helpful and wonderful for her. My 9 year old tells her every morning before school, I love you. I pray that each day gets easier for you and you find the support you need. Can you get the meds stepped up now that he is born?
Hello everyone,
I wanted to updated everyone on what is going on. The baby, Maxwell Jude, is home with us, it has been three weeks, and I am happy to report that I am feeling better every day. Things are not great, and I still have some pretty severe ups and downs, but at least there are "ups", before it was all "downs". It is hard for me to believe, that I was ever as depressed as I was this winter. But now, my life is split in two almost. I love the baby, I mean he is so sweet it is hard to believe. He nurses, he bottle feeds, he sleeps, and he never cries. But then there is the other side of me that still feels like "why the hell did I have this kid??" And, there is no denying that my life was easier without him. I am still going to therapy, still taking meds, and have been adopting a "one day at a time" philosophy. And though I hate living without thinking ahead, it is what I have to do to get by right now. I want to thank all of you for all of the help during my darkest moments, and I will keep you all posted on my progress. Keep the good advice comming. Thanks.
My dear, It's so hard not to be sure what's the best thing to do isn't it? Unfortunately life is like that so often. When I placed my first born for adoption, in part it was because I never wanted to say to him (as my mother had said to me), "I loved you, but I didn't want you." The irony of course is that he believed for 33 years that he was both unwanted and unloved by me. Taking it one day at a time is really the best way. Today is all we have. We can't change yesterday. (What ifs only frustrate us!) We have not guarantees that tomorrow will even arrive let alone be like we imagine! Take your time making your decision about what is best for your family. I will share with you that although time seems to be going slowly now, the time will come (in really a relatively few years) when you will wonder what happened to those little boys you thought would never grow up! Know that we will be here to support you no matter what you decide.
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SOOO glad that you are having bright moments. Time does fly and little boys grow. I've never been a big fan on the baby-toddler stage. It's really hard work! But after it comes the rest of their lives, and that is sooo worth the few years of hard work at the beginning. Big hugs and affirmation that you are, and can be, a good mom.