Dealing with people who make culturally insensitive remarks

We haven't even brought our daughter home yet and my mother (in as loving way as possible) calls our daughter "her little darkie baby". This really bothers me in one way, but in another sick way I'm just glad she acknowledges her (she really does ADORE her and is obsessed like me with getting her home) unlike my inlaws. At Halloween we were at a party and the host's husband went on and on and ON with very negative hispanic remarks (it was a "bring a dish party") because everyone brought Mexican food. It was just coincidence and he wasn't upset with the food, but he just went on and on beyond where my comfort level was about hispanics. I left so upset and vowing never to take Kemry around him. The thing is, his wife was our reference for our homestudy AND our dossier. She has also acted really funny since though. I really don't know how I will react to things like that once she is home. My reaction has already drastically changed just from Pre-referral to post referral.

Kelly: I'm so sorry to hear that :( I guess it only gets worse as the process goes along, and we have to protect the little ones as much as we can. Our families have been fine so far, except for my father who keeps asking why we can't adopt an American. I keep telling him that the baby will be an American citizen by the time he comes home, but it falls on deaf ears. I'm guessing he'd have plenty of negative things to say if we did a domestic adoption, so I'm trying to ignore him. My mom and MIL have been great and are very excited. My husband's co-workers (middle-aged rednecks) have made very negative remarks to him at work, but there's no reason for them to ever meet the baby. I guess I'll just count my blessings for the people who have been positive and supportive, and ignore the ones who aren't, and do my best to keep them away from our son!

Strange and insensitive remarks continue once you have your baby home....and sometimes come from the strangest people, in the strangest places, at the strangest times. I find it tempting to give sarcastic remarks, but need to practice responses that my son could use if needed, once he is able to speak up for himself. There are no boundaries for love, and no right way to create a family. Frustrating that not everyone can see this. We've been trying to redirect important people who say insensitive things, and minimize contact with those who don't respond to redirection. Good luck finding your own path....:flowergift:

During the process to bring Luca home, my brother-in-law referred to Luca as "Elian"....remember him? He is that little Cuban boy who was forcefully taken from his home in Miami and deported because he family were illegally here in the US. It was such a big mess...and a terrible thing for that little boy. Anyway, my bro-in-law thought he was so funny! I set him straight though....and my husband had words with him! What a jerk he was about all of this! I think he's finally realized that no on thinks he's funny...AT ALL!

I know what you mean. After a failed first adoption I am now very close to being paper ready and ready for a referral. Anyway, I was at my part time job the other day and this one woman that I hadn't seen told me how sorry she was to hear about the failed adoption and "Now you can go and adopt a "white" baby". I was mortified. I told her that Guatemala was where I wanted to go to in the first place and when I choose to adopt, I will go back there. I am not telling anyone except the people, as you say, needed to know for references etc. Others will have to wait until I'm actually going to pick up the baby and that's why I said "when I choose to adopt". People are so rude and you know what is funny, she is an American that now lives in Canada (the melting pot of all different kinds of people). You would think she would be able to be pretty open minded, but, I guess not.

We unfortunately had stupid remarks from people also. The first time we got together with the inlaws after our son came home was a real treat. We were sitting at the table eating and my son got to fussin, so my MIL help up the chili pepper dish that food was on and started to sing the Mexican hat dance song and said that should make him feel better! I was livid. The next time we got together we went swimming and I comment how cute it was that his little 6 month bathing suit had a pocket in the back, I said it was for all his important stuff. My MIL said yea, like his green card! What is weird is she loves and dotes all over him, yet has the worst comments. Because we responded to every comment, almost all comments have stopped From her. My SIL is another story though!! MoMo

What is up with the chili pepper comments?!? :mad: I'm of German heritage, but I'm sure no one told my parents to decorate my nursery with schnitzels or tried to quiet me with a beer dance and sauerkraut! :clown: My husband's coworkers have been the worst; they've also made the green card remarks, as well as calling the baby a piniata and saying "yo quero Taco Bell" whenever he enters the room. :sick: I'm just going to do my best to keep our son away from ignorant people. :cop:

I don't think we will ever be able to totally shield our children from rude remarks about their birth country and skin color so teaching them appropriate responses is the only way to go about it. Recently, we were giving some relatives a tour of Washington D.C. and saw a large group of Hispanic men cleaning the headstones in Arlington National Cemetery. One person commented, "Look at all those illegals!" Now, that is just plain rude and ignorant. Who says they are here illegally? And, so what if they are?! They were doing an honorable job of keeping our nation's capitol clean. I should have just kicked the person out of the car and made him join them! LanaOut- 12/13/06

Maybe your friend was just making a fun suggestion for a nursery theme. There are folks here who have done all sorts of fun Guatemalan-themed nurseries and kitchens. I can totally see my best friend saying something about a chili-pepper themed room. (Actually, I was trying to think of a fun Guatemalan theme to incorporate red - this might just be it!) I would just take it as a fun suggestion to decorate; and if it's not your style, than say - well, that's one idea....but I've always loved baseball (or winnie the pooh, or whatever).... I think *sometimes* we might be a little too sensitive. I wouldn't take that comment as offensive. Just my 2 cents...

My biobaby girl, Elena, is 1/2 Mexican. The first rude comment that I remember was from an old class mate. He said "Hey Kim I heard you're having a baby with a Mexican." I was surprised at the strange comment and acknowledged that Elena's father is Mexican. So he said "well at least the kid will be able to run and swim fast." I didn't know what to say. How rude? It was not his place to make a joke about my daughter's heritage. However, I have realized that the people who really love her make those jokes because they love her enough to feel comfortable. We always make little jabs at eachother, being hispanic is part of who she is and she is wonderful! Another point to remember is that alot of people make hispanic jokes just as seriously as they make blonde jokes. And who is seriously offended by blonde jokes? There are ALOT of ignorant people out there as these stories have confirmed, but unless you think that your friend is really not supporting you, try to take it as her making a joke, because she already loves your baby too. But if it is really bothering you, just say "No hispanic jokes, I have a feeling I'll be getting my fill of those when I bring him home, and I am not looking forward to it." This will not only tell her no, but it might help her shush some from other friends before they can even get them out. Congratulations!!! Kim

Whenever a not-so-nice comment is made about anyone of any race... I ALWAYS open my mouth. I have had some DOOZIES of comments, comments that make ME shameful, and I'm not the one who said it. I can not sheild my daughter from strangers BUT I can set the record straight for our family AND friends. They have all been told, if you don't like it, then we want nothing more to do with you. The end.

I am probably being over-sensitive about the chili pepper remark. However, I can't help thinking that she wouldn't have said that had I not just told her we are planning to adopt a baby from Guatemala. She is otherwise supportive, though, so all is forgiven :) What I can't forgive or understand are the hurtful comments made by people like DH's coworkers! Do they not understand that they are talking about an innocent baby? I just don't understand how people can be that way (especially around DH, whose grandson is 1/2 Columbian). They made similar remarks when he was born. I just don't get it.