Where do we go from here?

If you are willing to keep some contact with the bgrandparents then you should. A child can never have to many people loving them. You should set your bounderies if this is the way you would like to proceed. Remember nothing is ever set in stone and you can always change things if you get more comfortable.

Honestly, imo, that is a LOT of visits that you have had in the first year and I am sure you may be feeling a little overwhelmed (esp. if you did not want an open adoption in the first place). Is there some reason you want to cut off ALL visits with bgpas? If not, how about just saying that you don't want to close off contact and that maybe you can meet in x number of months. I know a lot of people say that there is no such thing as "too much love, "but I really think you have to be comfortable as your own family unit and set the boundaries that you think are appropriate. (DD's birth parents never told their families about the birth/adoption -- it seems weird, but frankly I think it has made things a little less complicated for us....) Remember (and I know it is hard). Your only responsibility at this point is to your child (and to of course living up to the agreement that you made with the birth mom). Whenever I make decisions about "openness" stuff, I really try to say, "Would DD be happy/upset if she heard of this when she is old enough to understand?" I find it helps guide me a little bit!!

One big question is...do you have a legally binding agreement? If this is the case, you should probebly stick with the outline of the contract. Also, if you have an agreement, does it include the bio-gparents? I would sit and explain your position and your comfort levels. It is important that YOUR comfort is respected as well. I think as adoptive parents we get a feeling of not wanting to deny bio families their unspoken "entitlement" to the child...this too can lead to an unhealthy environment for the child.

Lovebeingmommy, I hear you---we too have bgrandparents (on both sides) that seem more interested than the bparents at this point (at least until recently), and our contact levels are similar to what you describe, maybe even a little more. Plus, in our case, the families must be seen separately. I have been trying to taper off the grandparent visits a bit, though I am very proactive about sending photos and e-mail updates to them. What's driving my decision is that we do need some time and space---this is just too much to manage with 2 (actually 3, bdad's parents are divorced) sets of grandparents. BUT----I do feel obligated to keep up some visits---we agreed to that at the outset and we have some special circumstances that make it appropriate in our case. I don't ever want H to think we kept him from seeing these folks, and I want him to grow up understanding that we honor our agreements. Here's my .02 on your situation---I wouldn't "transfer" visits to the grandparents. I'd be inclined to make an agreement with the grandparents with whatever you're comfortable with so you don't have constant pushing by grandma---because she's probably not going to go away now that she's formed an attachment to the child. I would be pretty firm with them about what you're comfortable with in terms of names---that should be your decision. We use first names with the bgrandparents and bparents. I'll tell you---for all that I am a strong advocate of the open arrangement, and we have managed to make this into a pretty healthy relationship (all things considered,) it has heavily influenced my thinking on whether we'll adopt again. I think it is valuable for our son to have these relationships w/ his birthfamilies, but I just cannot see how I could possibly manage another set of people who needed the same level of openness.

I feel the same way with thinking about another-- really pushing for an int'l adoption next time around.... thanks!

HBV and LoveBeingMommy, I am contemplating adopting again and these same thoughts have crossed my mind. It makes me "question" my openness arrangement (which actually I really like, and has gone smoothly) that I don't know that I can juggle another open adoption. I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one!

I received an e-mail from the bmom yesterday I'll quote pieces of it for you all..... guess I wasn't alone in my feelings!! Here's from the bmom: "it seems to me that my mom is somewhat pushy and overbearing when it comes to things with A, and I want you to know that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. A is your daughter and you simply have to let my mom know if she is being to pushy. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe your ok with how things are. but I don't want you to feel like you have to allow my mom to see A or anything. If this is something that you guys feel is an issue, then let me know and maybe we can all sit down with my mom and address this. I just have this small fear that my mom is being too pushy and is going to eventually push you guys away from them and i, and that is something that i don't want to happen." Her e-mail made me smile yesterday!! :)

Love, omg, your child's birth mom got it, eh? That's great!!!

What a great e-mail---she sounds like a very intuitive woman.

:flowergift: We have three open adoptions. With our oldest child's b-mom declined further visits so we transfered them to her parents. Thats has worked out well since the birth grand-parents also went on to legally adopt our daughter's three older birth-sibs. Our middle child's b-mom was unable to visit for most of the first 2 years and during that time we visited with the birth great-grandma and became very close. My other kids also call her "Granny" even though she is only middle child's birthfamily. Now that we are again able to visit with b-mom of middle child it works great because she is also living with "Granny" right now. For my son I often feel sad because his birth grand-mothers live a world away in another country. We have had an occasional email from one. Both the birth grand-fathers had passed on before our son was born. I wish he could have the same opportunities the girls have had. I think grandmas & grandpas are something you can never really have too many of. Let the grandparents know that you need time to process how comfortable you are with them visiting, but don't close your mind to it so early on. You may find after the difficult adjustment that you have found some wonderful common ground in loving your daughter.

Thanks for the input. I haven't emailed the bgrandparents or the bmom back yet, they proabably think i'm ignoring them. I'm not-- just processing what I dare say to any of them. I think it proabably is best that I just come out and say I need time. Right now I'm feeling like saying-- we agreed to 2 visits per year with the bmom originally-- she's not pushing and I kinda feel like she's being respectful. I don't know.... I'd like to have the same type agreement with them. I don't know. I need to write the letters to both bmom & bdad today too.... AGH!! I'm sure things will be different as A gets older, etc...

I was rereading a section in THE OPEN ADOPTION EXPERIENCE (Lois Melina) last night about this---if you don't have that book, I highly recommend it. Apparently it's very common for bgrandparents to be more involved than bparents at first---they aren't trying to process grief on the same level as the bparent, so the contact isn't as difficult for them. Melina makes some good points about why you might want to have that contact with the extended family and how to handle setting boundaries.

I want to say, as a birthmother, visits are very important to me. Yet I rarely ask for one (no set schedule). To my daughters parents, I might seem like I dont mind not seeing her for nearly a year, but I do. I miss her. I dont show how much I want the visits because I fear that if they know how much they mean to me, I will see her less and hear less from the ap's. So, if your childs biomom is seeming a bit distant about visits, she may not truely feel that way. She might, but then she might just be not showing you how much she does care out of fear that too intense of emotion will scare you away. And the last thing that most firstmom's I've talked to want, is to have contact cut off or diminished.

Love, take as much time/reflection as you need to figure it out. I sometimes find that when I am "responding" to others' pain (as I am sure birth family, gparents, etc.are dealing with), I tend to think I need to "remedy" that immediately. But I think it is important to realize that if you create a situation that causes you stress, etc., that may not be best for your family or your child in the long run. And it sounds like you know you want to have a relationship with them, just that you want to set some boundaries. (And obviously things can be so fluid). Hang in there, Karen

First I would like to say that Tobeafamily's post in this thread on the 4 th of jan. brought tears to my eyes. An adopted child could ask for no more than that from a parent, whether an aparent or bparent. The post was touching as it hits the heart of the needs of an adopted child thru the years:thanks: and BRAVO to you... Tobeafamily! As a child I would have done anything to know my grandparents, my genetic link to the past.MY children, tho I had no idea how much they were effected by their mom being adopted finally told me how much it would have meant to them to know their grandparents and greatgrand parents after contact was made to my bmom. Do what you need to so you can have a comfortable life, but please please keep the lines of communication open so when your child is ready, needing and looking ( their children as well ) they have access to thier bfamily. Choices made today effect our kids for a lifetime and their children, so please look to the future and what they will need in the long run. Just my opinion from the adoptee side, thanks for listening. Lori