I need to know how to deal with possibly losing my baby

It is an incredibly painful time. Our son's birtmom changed her mind and we had to pack him up and bring him back to the agency. I took some more pictures and spent the entire weekend grieving as would any mother who has lost a child. Fortunately, for us the birth mom changed her mind again and we got our son back. Grieve as much as you need to and do whatever it takes to find some closure.

Im sorry. I havent looked yet at the pictures that were new. I dont think I am ready to do that yet. Just do what will make you feel better. I left him w/ the clothes I had bought and put on him. Dont be afraid to cry. I am not a crier but I needed to that day. AJ

When we first found out about the BF wanting our son back, I was devastated. I literally could not function. I would be playing a game of hide and seek with my other son and burst into tears. That's how I spent most of my time, crying. But, with each passing day - it gets a little better. We are still unsure of the outcome of our situation but I know that each day that passes and the BF does nothing is one more step in our favor. I won't tell you to try not to think about it because it is impossible! Everytime you look at that sweet little face, you'll think about it. Do what YOU have to do to make YOU feel better. If that's taking pictures - do it, if it's crying constantly, that's okay. Keep us posted though. We will be praying for you! Jaefer

I have been living with this for years now and wish I could spare anyone else from ever having to go through this. It is a nightmare. For the first week I was in denial. For the next month I was in shock. For the next year I was extremely anxious, sad, angry - so many emotions. And yet I still had an obligation to my child to take care of him. I also had a full-time job, a husband in Iraq, etc. My first priority was - and remains - my son. It is difficult (and at times impossible) to set those feelings aside in the child's best interest. I took time off of work when I really needed to. I had my family help me out when I needed some alone time. I cried in the shower. I played with my son; bittersweet in enjoying him and bonding even more each day with an impending possibility of losing him. When couldn't sleep I cleaned everything. You need to do whatever you can to help yourself get through this time period. For me that was alone time. Also - try hard to give yourself a mental and emotional break: a movie, going for a walk, reading - whatever can take your mind off of it for even a few minutes. It consumed me for so long that I was unable to move in either direction (keeping him or losing him). I couldn't grieve his loss, nor could I truly invest in him emotionally and financially the way that I could have if things were finalized. Over the years I have come to a sort-of "stalemate":I believe that at this point we will be allowed to keep him, but there is always that little doubt. So I take care of my son and take life one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. The not knowing is excrutiating - but still as moms we made a promise to these children to give them the best care we can, to love and protect them, to provide for their needs and wants, and to give them a loving home. I have honored that promise and that thought brings me some comfort. So, yes - in a way you need to continue to act "normally" - for your child's sake. But also you will need a lot of support and time to be able to let yourself cry, talk about it, time to get away. This is JMO after my (continuing experience) and I hope others will have more and maybe different advice for you. We all have to handle things the best we can on an individual basis. I do know what this is like. You are not alone. I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. Please feel free to come here and ask questions, vent, whatever you need. And please keep us updated on how you are and what happens. {{HUGS}}Christie