First visitation with bmom

I'm TOTALLY in favor of providing birth families with a huge range of services. I'm totally in favor of all the hand-holding, coddling, psychotherapy, drug treatment, and whatever else can be done to help birthfamilies parent their children safely. But I'm ONLY in favor of that for a short time. If birth families can't make use of those services within 12 months and get it together fast, I think the kids' rights to permanency trump the parents' rights to shilly-shally. Kids shouldn't spend their childhoods in limbo while mom or dad takes months to decide to pull it together. Yeah, let's provide tons of services and help for those parents who want the help. But for those who don't? Let's get those kids to a permanent home fast.

Wow, None of this is the "hard" or "easy" part. My fosterkids and my adoptive kids and my biological kids are my BLESSINGS. Did she post that she did not foster for that reason? I didn't read that.

I was trying to read back to who said "....the change should start before the baby was born..." Does anyone know why the abuse/neglect doesn't start when someone report a pregnant woman.. doctor, police or neighbor?? Why doesn't DSS get involved and open a case??

I love my FS, but I can't say there is no "hard" or "easy" part. I had a REALLY rough 8-10 months with a very damaged young man. What I am passing on to the world is one with a whole lot fewer behavioral problems - because I paid the blood, sweat and tears. (okay, not really any blood -but a lot of the other two!). If he goes to another home, they'll have it pretty darn easy compared to me, believe me!

I'd add that any part that involves social workers is one heck of a lot harder than any part that doesn't.I keep saying "I know I want another child.....I'm just not sure I want another social worker!"

Giggles................. what was I thinking?!!

there is alot more to fostering than just flat out adopting them, lonni when you foster a child im sure you are aware you have to deal with social workers, appts they make regardless tou your schedule, visits with sometimes hostile bios, the aftermath of those visits with your fosterchildren, the disappointment when bios dont show or either they show and make promises ex your going back home with mommy soon to a child soon is in a few hours.not a few months, as an adoptive parents there are no social workers, no bio visits, you make your own appointments whereever you want, you are the parent yea you may have to deal with some issues with the child but that is it. so yea she takes them after the "hard" part is done like i stated in my post, leca hasnt fostered so she cant tell a fosterparent how she should feel or better yet that she shouldnt foster.

"Leca only wants the children after the Hardest part is done, the part where you have to actually deal with the bios, the part where the kids first come in all broken and scared, which is why she doesnt foster, and also why she can only see reunification as the goal, youd have to actually foster to see the effects onthese kids first hand when bios dont show up or when bios do show up but are high or drunk, of course leca you only adopt after the "bad fosterparents" have dealt with this all. i challenge you t take in ne of these children as a fosterparent and see first hand what we go through before you decide that we are wrong in wanting these kids to be safe in our homes foreva." " as an adoptive parents there are no social workers, no bio visits, you make your own appointments whereever you want, you are the parent yea you may have to deal with some issues with the child but that is it. so yea she takes them after the "hard" part is done like i stated in my post, leca hasnt fostered so she cant tell a fosterparent how she should feel or better yet that she shouldnt foster." OMG lady you have NO IDEA what you are talking about do you? You think I don't deal with the bio family? DEAD WRONG. You think my kids were not broken and scared when they came and still are not broken? DEAD WRONG AGAIN. The hard part is dealing with the bio family and dealing with the fact my kids were with their FF 4 years and they didn't adopt them. The hard part is dealing with the fact one family took them to adopt them and gave them back 6 weeks later. The hard part is watching them suffer with the baggage and the effects of being drug babies. Conditions they will have the rest of their lives. Yep it's all roses and very easy. Please show me where I called anyone a "bad foster parent". I don't believe I did. No social workers with adoption? You must be crazy. We had social workers in our home every month and STILL have social workers in our lives due my kids extreme problems. We have therapists, case managers, attendant care workers etc. These kids have extreme guilt they are calling someone else mom and dad and have been adopted. Yep it's a cake walk. Give me a break.

I do know exactly. I don't want sw's in my house either except the one sw I adore!! I still don't personally feel my parenting as a foster vs parenting adopted/bio kids is any "harder". Just different.So I disagree that adoption and bio kids are the "easy" part of parenting and that fostering was the only hard part.

leca u made this thread, so you should be able to deal with any responses your are going around the board acting like fosterparents who are happy to be able to adopt are wrong, and should go the route that you went and do straight adoption, why do you think you have the right to that oppinion but others dont have a right to their oppinions and feelings? I was Happy each and every one of my kids parents failed, becuase during the course of fostering these kids i got to see first hand the effects of the bio parents, i got to witness first hand the inconsistency of these same parents, did i try and help ru, NO my only help was to bring these kids to visits with their parents and most times id rather not have done that as the parents either did not show up at all. were late, under the influence or did not take responsibility for their action which ledto these kids being placed in my home. so if you think i should go straight adoption then i think you should foster a child. ionni i still say the hardest part is when a child is first removed from the bios, the emotins are so much more scary to them. all of my foster kids came to me either straight from the hospital or from the bios home i have never taken in a child from another fosterhome.

Keep going with that metaphor and you'll know how I feel about the system. Sheesh, they could at least buy us dinner first! :-)

Aren't you the one who said that foster parents shouldn't adopt? The whole point of fost/adopt is to avoid hurting kids the way yours are hurt. And yet you oppose fost/adopt?We all do this, too. And often we do it in the early stages, before the kids have had any therapy or help.You have a social worker in your house once a month? When have a placement, I have MY social worker once a month. Then I have the KID'S social worker or case aide three times a week!You complain you have to deal with biofamily, too. But I bet you don't have to deal with them three times a week, which is how often I deal with the parents when a kid is in foster care. Sometimes, if the mom and dad have to visit seperately, it's five times a week----with the kids crying and upset after every single visit.C'mon, Leca. This is not a contest to see who has a monopoly on suffering. But you have been very judgemental. You've told us how to do our jobs, how to deal with birthfamilies, what the goal of the system is, and even how we should feel. The truth is, you don't know what it's like to be a foster parent. And you have no right on earth to tell us how to feel. Why don't you speak about yourself, and your feelings, and your experiences, instead of coming here and sitting in judgement of us? It is not your place to judge us. Not your place at all.

I admire fosterparents for their roles in helping children heal. I am an adoptive mother and once was a fostermom {and will be again in the future}. With that said, this comment: really hits home. As an adoptive parent, what we 'deal' with are as challenging as fosterparents. Our son was violently sexually abused by his birthdad, but this was unknown until after the adoption was final. Since 2004, our son has had numerous psyc stays, RTCs, different types of therapy and has been questioned three times in regards to another teenager's death. We are currently dealing with the agency that our son is placed with and that alone would drive anyone crazy! :hypno: Please don't make light the role that adoptive parents have and the emotional stress that they go through. Fosterparents do the same and the bottom line, we do it for the kids. Enough said. :( To the original poster, hugs sent your way during this time! :grouphug:

My comment wasnt to offend adoptiveparents because i too am an adoptive parent. i was talking directly to leca who thinks fosterparents shouldnt be happy to adopt. or that fosterparents should only foster, and we should focus on RU.

We've now got TWO threads going on this topic. In order to keep the conversation contained to one (easy to manage) area, I am closing this thread. There really is no need to go between the two threads to discuss the same topic. If you want to continue this discussion in a respectful manner, please visit [url]http://forums.adoption.com/foster-parent-support/304621-i-just-dont-get-am-very-disheartened.html[/url]Remember, respectful participation is required. That does NOT mean agreement - everyone is welcome to their opinion...