I Found my birthmom...now I need help talking to my mom

She probably wants to go with you because she wants to be a part of it with you and wants to support you. It may also be a little out of fear of the unknown...if she's there with you, she doesn't have to wonder about what's happening. But it's your choice. You could tell your mom that you feel capable of doing this first visit on your own and maybe she can come with you on a subsequent visit? Or if it goes well, maybe you could invite her out to your hometown and she can meet your family and see more of your life? Graciousness works. Even with moms who can be a little smothering, the bottom line is they usually want to feel appreciated. So tell her how much you appreciate her support for you meeting your bmom and how much it means to you that she would offer to come with you and how generous and caring it was to offer that. Then tell her that what you really need is for her to trust you to do it on your own and to be waiting with her best mom hugs when you get home. Don't get drawn into a debate about "reasons" for her to come or to stay. Just stick with what you feel: you need her to trust you enough to let you do this alone and you need her waiting with mom-hugs and mother-love when you get home.

I am an adoptive mom and I went with my 17 year old daughter to meet her bmom. She asked me to go and it helped me. I was reassured by my daughter that she would never stop loving me and I would always be her mom. When we arrived at the airport and her bmom was standing at the end of the stairs, my daughter whispered please do not leave me right away. I reassured her I would not leave until she asked me to go. The bmom drove to the hotel where I had reserved a room and we went to the room together. I brought photo albums and our daughter's baby book. She looked at the pictures with tears in her eyes. After a few hours the bmom stated that they needed to leave. My daughter hugged me and whispered I love you and thank you. I stayed in a hotel and my daughter spent a week with the bmom and half brother and half sister. I am not going to tell you that I did not cry. I did cry as I visited tourist spots and wondered how her visit was going and wondered if she would love her more than she loved me. I know that is selfish, but that is what I was feeling. The bmom called one morning and asked to meet me and I have coffee at a coffee shop. We met and we talked. I was not worried anymore. I am glad that we visited and I am glad my daughter asked me to go. The last day of her visit we stayed together and visited all night in a hotel room. We talked all night. Tears flowed at the airport when our daughter had to leave. My heart went out to the bmom that had missed so much of her daughter's life. My heart went out to the brother and sister that missed their sister's life. My heart thanked God for the bmom and the choice she made to give her baby life. I looked at the birthmom as we walked away and she will always have a special place in my heart. She is a gift from God. I am glad my daughter asked me to share this moment with her.

Kris / Kyrie, you have embarked on a journey! I am a-mom in an open adoption, so not much in common with your situation, but ... I am stabbed with maternal fear when I think of my dd flying for the first time, alone ... Have you flown by yourself before? Travelled much alone before? You said yourself "I'm just 18" ... Any chance birthmom would come visit you in your hometown? Book into a hotel? (Shouldn't be much more costly than her paying to fly you to where she lives) Your mom would be close by, and maybe more willing to let you meet birthmom alone. Not near as scary as sending 'my baby' to do all this on her own. A compromise maybe?! I know, I'm not walking in your shoes and I'm not walking in your mom's either. I think you have valid reasons to want to do this on your own, and I think she has valid reasons to fear it, maybe it's largely concerns about your safety and less of her fear of reunion. A compromise maybe?! Babs

Would you be comfortable with your mom joining these forums? What an awesome place to get advice, opinions, the voices of experience ...She may need to get some insight into what she's feeling.On the other hand! if you choose not to share this site! and I'd understand that! I hope YOU get lots of good advice, opinions, voices of experience!Good luck,Babs

Babs, That was my thought, why doesn't bmom fly up to her. As ana doptee I don't think I would have flown anywhere to meet stranges...not being cruel but it is a fact and as a mother of teens and young adults I would be real hesitant about them doing it themselves. I really beleive there needs to be compromise here. Kris, I do understand you wanting to meet her alone. As much as I love my mom I would not wanted her there when meeting my birthmom.but she was the first one I went to AFTER the fact, as a matter of fact she watched my 2 little boys as it was happening. I was 29, alot older then you and would have been uncomfortable flying anywhere to meet her.

I have talked with my parents and they are letting my fly over to see her by myself for a 7 day week!! Im soo excited. I told them that my bmom was willing to pay the whole thing and they said that they would split it with her..Im glad this is going soo well...but its almost to good to be true..you know too easy. I am just waiting for this whole thing to come crashing down on top of me.

Is it too early to tell my birthmom that I do love her..dont get me wrong i love my parents too but i have always loved her I want to tell her and i know that I should but is it too early in the relationship to say I love you to her..she has said them to me and i thought them back i just never said them...do you think it is too early?

I think you would thrill your birthmom if you said that to her. My bson and I have been in reunion for 14 months and are very comfortable but he has never said those words. Needless to say I would love to hear them. I have always loved him! (Of course he had no way of really knowing that.) It sounds like your aparents are being both generous and trusting. Just keep letting them know that they are your parents and your love them and appreciate their support as you begin this journey of discovery. I firmly believe that reunion can enrich all of our lives! (That doesn't mean it's not a scary ride sometimes!)

kris aka kyrie, I don't think that it is too early to say I love you- if that is how you feel. Especially if she has already expressed how she feels towards you in those regards. It seems to me that she is reaching out to you and if you are comfortable with that and you feel love towards her- say the words. My bmom and I have say I love you, every time we hang up the phone. Something as simple as ending a conversation with that gives me confidence in her commitment to our relationship. I am thrilled to hear that you were able to communicate honestly with your aparents! That is so awesome! As others have already encouraged you to do, keep them in the loop and express tons of appreciation and love towards them even as you establish this new relationship with your bmom. It is really important that they know that you still need them and want them around- in word and action. It sounds like you are off to a great start in this respect!

I am going out to meet my bmom in March. I am excided and yet scared at the same time. My other mom (bmom) called me going to see her; a homecomming. I can see why she did it and but thats not my home. I dont know why this bothers me, maybe its because I think she is trying to replace my mom. She said that she would never do that to me, I belive her. I want to know where I fit in this family..it kinda seems that I am a bit of an outsider, but I want to fit in so badly. I dont want to pull away from them because it would be too painful for me to know that I let them all down. Im not the person that they wanted. Thank to everyone that has responded so far :) you have all been so helpful, and kind!! Kristi

When I told one of my cousins about finding D, she said "I know there's always been a piece missing from your heart." That may be the kind of homecoming your bmom is thinking of. She knows very clearly that your home is with your aparents, and yet you also have always had a place in her life. It's hard to say how you will feel because everyone is different. My daughter thought the first meeting with D would be awkward and was pleased and surprised to find that it felt very comfortable. I think that D felt comfortable as well (at least after he stopped hyperventilating and got out of the car and came in!) You have a place in your bfamily. Give yourself time to discover it. You may find as well that your birthfamily is not what you imagined or expected. (That's ok too, we all have that image in our heads of what the other is like. Reality may well be different from the expectation. Be prepared to discover what it!) Your birth mother has probably dreamed of this meeting for 18 years! You won't disappoint her. She will be happy that you have a loving home and family. One of the hardest things for birth parents is when the children they placed for adoption didn't have the "better" life we wanted for them. Be who you are. Remember this is only the first visit. Don't try to learn everything in one week. Think of this as the beginning of a lifelong journey of discovery. You will find your place in your birth family gradually. Take along pictures of yourself growing up to share with them. (I love the ones D has shared with me. I'm still waiting for a copy of the one he has of his parents holding him when he was an infant. ) Think of it as a positive thing - you have two families to love. (Above all - remember to breathe deeply as the time approaches.)

If you start to feel uncomfortable that you are being pushed too hard to be or feel a certain thing that you aren't comfortable with, then I would suggest that subsequent visits (if you're comfortable with that) involve her coming to visit you in your home to see your life as it is- which would be the best way for her to truly get to know you as a person. Especially because of your young age, I would recommend that she meet you where you are, rather than vice versa. I hope it all goes well. I do hope you'll keep us updated.

I knew things where going TO well...maybe someone can give me some insight into why my mom feels that i am casting her aside. I dont really talk about my bmom to her unless she askes. A few nights a go my mom and I ended up fighting over something stupied (I pulled the bed out to far...blah blah blah) any ways she told me that I though my bmom was more importaint then she is to me. She also said that if jamie called I would rather talk to her them my mom. But i tryed to exsplain to her that when my bmom calles yeah we do talk but i talk to my mom just as much and more then i talk to my bmom. She proceded to yell at me because i bought a phone card so i could call my bmom but the only reason i call is because my bmom calles me first and she dosent have long distance on her phone. I thought that I was being nice and saveing my parents money but they got mad at me anyways! She just makes me feel guilty talking to my bmom i know that parents guily trip their kids but this isnt fair. :( :(

Your Mom is scared and feeling rejected. If you've read some of the posts by adoptive moms whose children have reunited with bfamily, some of them are very hurt. They feel like they're being treated like a glorified baby sitter and cast aside. You are becoming a young adult. That's often a difficult time for parents as their "babies" (their eyes remember) leave home and become independent adults without adding another mother. I think it will just take time. Keep telling her how much you love her. You might try writing her a note that tells her how you feel about her, and assures her she'll always be your mom and how you'd love to tell her your emotions about reuniting with your bmom. (Assuming you do want to!) My bson was 33 when we began our contact. I know that it was difficult for his mom at first. (She couldn't see why D would want to have a relationship with me or want to know more than his medical history.) During the course of the last year things have gotten easier for her I think. I've made it clear that she's his mother and I'm not trying to take her place. I'm pleased that he wants me in his life, but it's my own place (whatever it is!) I think it would have been harder for her if I'd found him when he was 18, partly because I think their relationship was pretty rocky then. She has said that she would not wanted us to have much contact then. What I'm trying to say it that I think your mom's emotions and reactions are normal. It seems clear that she's going to do the "right" thing and support you in your desire to know your bmom. Try to be gentle with her. I know it's hard. Remember, she loves you and she doesn't you to be hurt. She may also already be feeling hurt because she's "not enough" for you -- that's an emotional/gut reaction not a rational/logical reponse. Hang in there!

I did it I when to Ohio to visit my birthfamily. It was good trip I had a lot of fun, I think my favorit part was the day I got to hang out with my bmom all by myself. It was a strong connection one that I didnt think would happen. the first plain I got on I wasnt nervious at all and then I got on the last plane and had an hour plane trip and i got really nervous about half way through but it was to late to back out. When I got there I got a text message from my bmom telling me what she was wearing and whre she was but I got off at baggage claim and thats where she said she was I passes right throught my aunt and sister and bmom, I sent a text message telling my mom that I was in baggage and i hear my aunts voice like screaming that i was there and i walked right through them, I was like how did i do that. Then i found them and it was all good but I wanted to hug mom first but my sister like jumped on me i was like umm ok hey...lol but i thought that if this is how the trip started out it was going to be a good one. When i was down there I figured out with i was going to call her I was going to call her mama when it was just us but when others where around it was always jamee. i learned alot about her and the family when i was there, I got some answeres that i wanted like who i looked like and who i acted like. my aunt is going to buy me a plane tic to come back down, so i am happy that everyone was so welcoming and loving. I want my mama o talk to my mom and meet and all that stuff but it might be awhile and thats ok. I have finaly learned that i have to take everything as going well unless i hear diffrentaly.