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Do you any of you have children who are now old enough to either remember or know that their adoption was contested? How do they feel, what do they think? This weighs on my mind heavily. My daughter is only 3, and her adoption was contested when she was 5 months old through 2 1/2 years old, so she was too young during that time to understand what was happening. But we certainly tell her she's adopted (we were always going to so that is not the worry), and wonder how soon her questions will start, that will require us to start explaining some of the details of what happened. We are going to be as honest as we can (some of the details will have to be saved for when she is mature enough, we don't plan to hide anything but some things she will not be able to understand until she's older). We're trying to be as proactive as possible because we want to be the ones giving her the story before her birthfamily does. Our case ended very bitterly, even though we tried to avoid that, and whenever we've run into birthfamily members since then comments such as "Look, it's the kidnappers," are stated very clearly and in hearing range for my daughter. Since ours was a situation where my parents and many members of the birthfamily had known each other and been friends for years prior to our case, and still live within 2 miles of each other, we know that run-ins will occur and we want to mitigate the potential damage of random hurtful comments that could be made in my daughter's presence.
So all that rambling brings me to this - have you had to tell your children, and how do they feel, what do they think about what they know? Thanks for any input/insight you have. We're trying to be as prepared as we can possibly be and protect our daughter from unnecessary pain.:thanks:
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I think your plan is right on target share with her the truth along the way as in ways that she can understand. Make sure not to talk badly about her birthmother (personally) instead focus on the behaviours or actions that weren't good. Try and focus on the love her birthmother had for her and always will regardless of everything that happened.
My kids all came from fostercare. Only one was placed voluntarily at birth, the other three went through long drawn out case plans and my youngest sons birthmother even went through an appeals process and lost, so although none of mine were contested in a way normal domestic infant adoptions would be....there was still a great sense of anger in some cases directed towards us as well because we were "part" of the system that took away their kids.
We teach our children from a young age that they were fostered/adopted and why. But we never want our children to feel as though they aren't loved or as though they did something wrong or that we feel their birthparents were bad people. We focus on the actual "things" that were wrong and focus on how those things affected their birthparents ability to parent and how regardless of what ever choices they made that caused them to loose their children they would always love them.
When it comes to living so close together....that would make it extra difficult. I don't know how you can really avoid those comments. hopefully her birthparents will truly be looking out for her best interests and keep their mouths shut so they don't hurt your child. But if they do....I would just ignore them and walk away. I wouldn't start an arguement in front of your kids. Instead I'd take my child and leave then I'd explain to my child what was going on in a way they could understand.
I don't know your situation, but maybe you might like to allow them short visits out in a public place. So that you could start building a healthy mature relationship with them, making it clear that Adult problems or concerns would not be allowed to be dissgust in front of your child. That way you might all find a way to get along for the sake of your child, who someday may very well want to get to know them. how much better will it be if instead of playing he said she said one against the other....you could both come together for the good of the child. That may not be a possibility in your case...but it might help to address those possible unexpected meetings and what is appropriate and healthy for your child and what is not.
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I'm sorry I must have completely missed the "kidnapper" comment. I agree that is so inappropriate. Of course you can't force them to say the right things or even to say nothing at all.
But you can talk to your daughter about it. You can explain why her birthmother might say something like that. That because she couldn't raise her for such and such reason she must feel real angry inside because she misses you so much. But even when we are sad or mad about something we shouldn't call people names or hurt peoples feelings. That it was wrong of her to say such a mean thing and hopefully she will get rid of those angry thoughts so she can find happiness inside of her again. Then say how glad you are that heavenly father sent her to you and how happy you are that the judge choose you to be her forever Mommy and what a special little girl she is.
Your daughter will remember your love and gentleness over her birthmothers mean words.....and unfortunatley for her birthmother....your child will slowely develope their own opinion of her birthmohter based on how she makes her feel. If she wants to be seen as the mean lady who always makes her feel bad then ....too bad for her, she may very well turn her bchild against her completely.
Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. There are pieces of it I wish I could take that I can't. Without telling the whole story (which would take hours), the short version is that we tried to leave the door open for contact and build a relationship for the interests of my daughter's well-being but it's not happened/happening. Long story short, my daughter's bmom contested the adoption, but she was not really the driving force that wanted to stop the adoption. She is not a bad person, she's had a really rough life and made some poor decisions because of it. I think she was trying really hard to make a good decision when she chose adoption for our daughter, but her family did not support her and never let it go, and now never will. My daughter's bmom is not actually the problem - we have not physically seen or heard from her since my daughter was 12 months old and we "settled" the legal case with a binding agreement for open adoption, contact, visits, etc (originally the adoption was closed at her request, even though we all knew each other she did not want identifying information given to my daughter until she turned 18 or if bmom changed her mind before then). But the legal "settlement" agreement was only a month old when we got hit with an appeal (and the terms of the settlemtn included an agreement that none of us would appeal its terms!). But even though she still had the legal right to visits, and had visited up to that point, no attempt was made and no requests ever came. I'm honestly not sure whether she still lives in the community or not.
Our run-ins happen with members of the bfamily who never wanted the adoption to happen (we did know about them before birth, but bmom was adamant to us that she knew what she wanted and she did not want one of her family members to care for our daughter). Based on actual testimony at our trial, there was one aunt in particular who wanted to adopt our daughter and hounded bmom to stop the adoption. This testimony was not refuted, so we live with the assumption bmom contested because there was no peace about her adoption decision (she receives a lot of financial and emotional support from the bfamily members who didn't support the adoption, including a lot of help raising her two older children that she shares custody with their father (not my daughter's bfather). We've never actually been able to ask her, but I fear that if my daughter reads the court records some day, it will give her the impression her bmom didn't want her but contested because someone "made" her. I don't think that's true, but the paper version doesn't give any detail beyond that.
We were willing to put aside all the nastiness and move forward, but they are not yet past the anger and I really don't know if they will ever get there. Every run-in has included some comment related to kidnapping, and the statements are only louder and more hostile when my daughter is present. We have never responded and do our best to avoid the situations altogether (if we see them/know they will be somewhere we leave immediately or don't go), but even if we never visit my parents' hometwon again, they know where we live, where we work, my daughter's preschool, etc, so we figure the best we can do is tell her the truth and be ready for the questions that will come from the things she will eventually hear.
Thanks again, there is comfort in knowing you have addressed this with your children and in hearing how you're handling it! :flowergift:
Yes that certianly puts a whole different dimension on it.
I think your really doing all you can do.
It's unfortunate and very sad that they can't control their emotions especially around your daughter.
But I do think your daughter will find much more comfort in knowing the truth. Especially about her birthmoms wishes and the birthfamilies actions now only further demostrate how RIGHT the birthmother was in not wanting the child to be raised by them....since they obviously have no sense of how those comments can hurt and confuse your child or how she might feel hearing those mean words about her parents.
Hopefully in time they will get over themselves. It probably burns them up inside even more when they see you not getting all upset by it...becasue that is what they want....to make you made, hurt, angry and if they do it then they feel like they have power over you to get to you. But as you ignore them ....or maybe even throw in a smile and a wave....I'm sure they will finally cut it out and realize there is no point in it...since they can't get to you.
I'm sure they get to you....but as long as they don't see it. Then at least your denying them that gratification they would get otherwise.
I don't know if this will help, but I also have a 3 year old and we started to ease him into it about 6 months ago. Now, you know as well as I do that there is only so much that you can tell a child at that age and how much he will actually understand or sink in. We adopted our first son at 6 months of age. And every year, on the anniversary of his adoption, we celebrate it. We call it his "Special Day" and we celebrate it like a birthday. We invite all of our family and close friends and he opens gifts and we eat cake and look at pictures. I figure eventually, he will ask why he has a "Special Day" and some of his friends do not. Awhile ago, we were reading a book and it had mommys and babies in it. I told my son that he did not grow in mommy's tummy because mommy's tummy is broken. Instead, he grew in my heart and in someone else's tummy. Now, I can ask him - "Where did you grow?" and he will respond, "In your heart!" He loves it! I will also ask him why he grew in my heart and he will say because mommy's tummy is broken. Personally, I think that for now, that is enough for a 3 year old. He comprehends that he did not grow in my tummy and he looks forward to his special day every year. It also helped that he played a big role in the adoption of his brother this summer. We told him how the baby was growing in our hearts and he got to fly with us to CA to pick up his brother and take him home from the hospital. He was so excited! At first, he told everyone that we got his brother from the store, but we finally got him to state that we got him from the hospital. Overall, I think as time progresses, he will ask more questions as we ease him into it. I feel badly for your situation because you really have to watch out for these inconsiderate people. I mean, yeah they are hurt but they are not looking out for the feelings of your little one and they just don't seem to care. That is not right! I wish you luck as you try to explain everything. If you have any suggestions or advice as to what works well - let me know! Jaefer
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Every run-in has included some comment related to kidnapping, and the statements are only louder and more hostile when my daughter is present.>> Can you legally do anything to minimize this? such as a restraining order or court order to stop the hostility around your daughter? It's awful that they do that and it shows just how little they actually care to hurt her that way, IMO.
Because it's not a "domestic situation" and we're not involved in a romantic relationship with them, we've been told we cannot obtain a restraining order (at least in our state, not sure that is the same everywhere). Our atty says we can sue for slander, but the last thing we're interested in is EVER seeing the inside of a courtroom again, or even our atty's office, if we can help it. Since I posted this originally, there have been two additional accidental meetings, and both sides walked away with no comment whatsoever. So it gives me hope that as more and more time goes by, the sheer rawness of the pain and hurt they feel is giving way to reason and thoughts of the potential consequences if my daughter hears such comments. We've also heard that our daughter's bmom gave birth to a baby boy last month, so the family does have something positive to focus on right now. I don't expect the adults in our situation to ever ever be able to forge a positive relationship, but if we can all just refrain from negativity out of respect for my little girl, that will be an answer to so many prayers. :wings:
