Located daughter... now what??

How old is she? What are the issues around your divorce? Why did you never contact her? Did you pay child support? All these are questions that may play into how you approach her. Does she write about her father in her MySpace? I guess I don't have a lot of helpful suggestions for you. I do think you need to consider the questions how ever. You know you've thought about her every day. She may not be able to believe that if you never contacted her. I hope others will have better suggestions for you.

How old is she? She is 17 What are the issues around your divorce? Her mother found another that she loved more. Why did you never contact her? First of all she was only 6 months when I left and for another 6 months I did have contact over the phone. Then they dissappeared. Internet was not as popular then so it was VERY hard to locate someone in Connecticut from Georgia. When I did finally locate where they were she had been adopted by the man she left me for. I had to make a choice of whether to interfere with her life or let her have a happy childhood and give her the truth when she was older and more mature. Did you pay child support? Yes religiously even after they disappeared. The state finally made me stop due to the fact her mother was not accepting the support and they couldn't locate her. Does she write about her father in her MySpace? No she doesn't. She talks about how she loves life andher friends seem to love her very much! You are right.. I know I have never forgotten her... I also know there is a chance she will not want to communicate. But it is time, I feel, to reach out. She may know who I am (or was). But I doubt she was told about me.

Thanks for answering all my questions. (The older I get the more I have questions instead of answers.) My son was 32 when I found him (and he knew he was adopted) so it was a very different situation. I think you need to wait until she's 18 since she was adopted by her stepfather. (I assume they had to terminate your legal rights.) That gives you some time to figure out how you want to contact her. You might want to start by writing a letter telling her why you haven't been in her life and what she means to you. I'm really not sure how you should approach her though. At least you can keep track of her through MySpace.

You know... what do you think of this letter?? You most likely have no idea what this is about. Seeing as you are at your computer right now, you are probably already sitting down, so here it goes. You have the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. I remember being the first person to see them turn blueŅ You were always such a very special and wonderful baby! I love you so much and always have and will. The best part of holding you was how you smiled and seemed to always want to play. Your hair was (and still is I suppose) always so blonde. I can remember it like it was yesterday Every day that passes brings a thought of you. Every year, a little more guilt for me. I want you to know that this is not just a whimsical communication for me. I had always planned to contact you as soon as you were done with high school. Now you are in college and seem to be doing well. I can tell you have a wonderful life before you and you seem to have had a great life growing up. I am hoping your Mom and Dad were always there for you. I am praying they were the best you could have asked for. I know for a fact your Mom loved you then and I am certain that is still the case. If I knew how to contact your Mom, I would have done so first. However, I had to decide to go ahead and contact youŅ It was a tough call and you may be thoroughly confused and probably scared, but you have the right to know who I am. You also have the right to never respond, but I pray you do.

MightyHopeful, I didn't see where you mentioned your relationship (birthfather)...did I miss that?Many people recommend keeping a journal ... something to think about. Maybe writing your letter to her in your journal, then going back and reading it later, might help.Maybe others here will have more ideas... I'm just in the initial stages of contact with my birthson, and don't really know what I'm doing. But, the advice I have picked up so far is: BREATHE, go with your gut instincts, keep it simple, take it slow, and read the posts made by adoptees in the other forum so you get an idea of what they may be going through. Also, read about the stages of reunion. Be patient, and let go of expectations.Best wishes to you...

Honestly, the way you start your letter would make me delete it with all the other goofy spam I get dropped in my inbox. I think you're going to need to say something that doesn't sound like a trick to get her to open spam. Don't know what that would be. Maybe your name or something else that she might recognize? I don't know exactly, but I wouldn't open something that starts like you did. It's beautiful and eloquent if you know the story, but in an email? I don't know, just a thought. Good luck, by the way.

The letter is beautiful but I agree with the other 2 posters. If she has no clue that she has a birth father it would be pretty confusing. Especially if it's on MySpace which is famous for stalkers! It's a good start on a letter tough.

I agree that looking at what adoptees might be feeling and what they might be struggling with would be a good idea before emailing a letter. My other thought is taht I find email to be very informal or impersonal. These days, with the internet what it is, it's usually not too hard to find someone's address (rather scary but true). My gut on this says that a hand-written letter, perhaps with a picture of you now, maybe with her when she was a baby, something very personal. I don't expect my life to change when I logon to my email account and I think I'd be kind of ticked to have someone break enormous news to me that way. If my friend, or relative died, I would not expect to hear about it in email...I'd expect a phone call or a letter, depending on the situation and the same would go here. This is huge stuff. I'd go for the phone or letter....I think something personal, in your own handwriting, would say that you are putting thought into this, and give more meaning to what you say. I would also state what you want, but of course in a non-pushy way. I assume you want her to call or email. I assume you would love to meet her. But you don't say that, and I'd think there is a chance she isn't going to put herself on the line after all these years, when you haven't even said what you want. Leave it up to her, of course, but at least tell her you wuold love to hear from her... I guess the other thing which jumps out at me is taht you don't ever say you're sorry...I imagine that would seem to underestimate your feelings, but I would think maybe a little less time on the physical attributes of her as a baby, and more time on how much you've thought about her over the years, are sorry you weren't there for her, an acknowledgement that you have missed so mcuh, why you waited til she finished school (that seems arbitrary, but perhaps there is a reason you haven't stated), etc. Also, maybe something about who/where you are? What you do for a living, if you're married, have other kids, something again to make it more personal.... And if she might not know about you....an intro. explaining that you are her birthfather... Other posters know a lot more about this than me...I'm just going off gut here, and thinking how I'd personally respond if I got an email like yours today...I think I'd freak out and think someone was stalking me, especially if I didn't know about you and you're talking about my eyes and my hair and things which are really personal and superficial...