Advertisements
Hi, i'm new here. i gave up DD when i was 19. Nobody but my boyfriend and best friend knew i was pregnant. i went away to college hundreds of miles from home and nobody knew. i had her in the town's hospital and before i even had her, i told the staff i wanted to give the child up for adoption. i gave birth, held her a few times and she was whisked away to a hospital that could take care of her-she had some health issues. after i came home from college, i opened up to my sister and a handful of other people...including my DH. 16 years had passed and i thought of her, wondering what her name was, who she looked like, etc. i finished college, got married and had a few kids with DH. i received a letter in May 06 from the attorney who handled the adoption. DD and her mother were looking for me, because DD's father had passed away. i okayed contact with me. we talk online via messenger and email. DH had already made plans to visit DD's state for vacation months before, so i mentioned it and we talked about visiting. i reunited with DD and her mother this past summer and while amazing, it was a daunting experience with regards to my imposed ignorance on my parents. i just told my parents/other sibling this past weekend...so i'm still dealing with a lot of hurt feelings and what ifs. my parents are amazing people, eager to meet their longlost granddaughter. here's where i need the advice...i said to my mom, that i didn't want my children to have to lie for me...meaning i want them to know they have an older sister...i just don't know when to tell them. my sister told me to start early, so it's common knowledge. i always thought i'd wait until my children are old enough to understand who DD is. i should mention my oldest child is preschool age...old enough to know who DD is, but not enough to connect DD and me as mother and daughter. suggestions would be appreciated.
Like
Share
Advertisements
eliza4
thank you all for the advice...i just found out in the past 20 minutes that i'm going to be a grandmother at the age of 36...DD is 16! now to explain this to my parents and the rest of the family
thank you all for the advice...i just found out in the past 20 minutes that i'm going to be a grandmother at the age of 36...DD is 16! now to explain this to my parents and the rest of the family
I guess I should update this...so, I'm better than I have been. I think all these events, piled on top of losing a baby just before hitting the second trimester really set me off. My family was very worried about me-and granted...I can see why. I had my last meltdown at my job and just started crying, saying I had too much on my plate already and I couldn't handle anymore pressure. Talk about a pin dropping in a room! I guess it was a few days later where I started feeling better and the anxiety lessened. I have talked to DD's mom-she is aware of some of the emotional turmoil I went thru...but that I'll be okay. I still have issues-wondering what I'll be to this grandchild(God, that is so weird for me to say...I'm not ready to be a grandmother)...and what influence I'll play in DD's life and DGS's life...considering there is quite a bit of distance between us. My family handled the news of a new family member better than I did. My mom is looking forward to meeting DD and the new baby...whenever he should appear. My immediate family is now completely informed about DD and my aunt also knows...aside from that, I don't think the remaining family needs to know-being that they haven't ever met my youngest child-so can't say they're close family-kind of like why bother? My preschooler knows about the new baby-though she doesn't want to be an aunt. I'm sure when she meets her nephew that will change. that's it in a nutshell.
Eliza - it's been a few days. I was wondering how you are doing. You still have a lot to process, I know. My second son (the one I raised) was 17 when his son was born... Despite my own history, I was NOT ready for that! When D's son was born last fall, I found that holding the baby took me back to the times of D's birth. I still find myself tearing up with grief when I hold Z. At the same time I love being in D's life and the life of his family.
Advertisements
i am a grandmother now...and i feel pretty conflicted about the whole situation. there are some things i wonder if i'm reading in to them...i'm not sure of my role in my own daughter's life...and now her child's life. my own family wanted to run to see them this weekend...much to my dismay...i wouldn't want a bunch of strange people visiting me, if i were recuperating from childbirth...so, i won't even entertain the idea. i hope to visit in the next few months...though i think i need to sit down with DD and ask her what she expects of me...i need the clarification, because the unknowing is killing me. my husband feels i'm neglecting my other family...so i have to make a conscience decision to let them be...there are other things going on...i don't feel free to elaborate on them...but it could just be me feeling this way...so that's my news...a very young grandmom...i'm still processing that
You really do have a lot to process. By the way, rarely do children taken their parents' feelings and time schedules into account when they become parents themselves. I think it's a good idea to talk with your bdaughter to define your expectations and boundaries. Just be aware that they won't be set in stone and may change from time to time. I hope you have taken the time to grieve the loss of your baby. It's no wonder you had a meltdown at work!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you as you negotiate oming days. your way through the c
let me clarify that as I was spitting nails practically after reading his assinine letter...he said he has doubts she was his...though he cheated on me with at least 2 girls i know of...he pretty much gave medical issues he was just diagnosed with and losing a parent deal and gave his address with the phrase...do as you wish with this information. i talked to DD's mom and she was quite reassuring about all the information.
Advertisements
Does he understand the concept of DNA testing? That said, he did provide some info that may be helpful. I'd just assume that his letter to you was a defensive move... he was protecting himself (from who knows what). It's not worth getting upset over because it tells more about him than it does about you!
i hope it does tell more about him...because i'm hurt by it...my sister and husband told me to let it be and just forward the information. i talked to my mom and as I was talking to her, the letter wrote itself...saying that i'm sorry he felt that he had to turn the cheating thing around to make himself feel better...because i KNOW who her father is. if someone attacks me, i'm coming right back at them for it...and i did send the email-jerk that he is...all in all-it wasn't a harsh email.
kakuehl
Does he understand the concept of DNA testing? That said, he did provide some info that may be helpful. I'd just assume that his letter to you was a defensive move... he was protecting himself (from who knows what). It's not worth getting upset over because it tells more about him than it does about you!
Hmm, I think the appropriate answer is MEN!!! (Hmm maybe that's too sexist!) Unfortunately my bson's birthfather died about 6 years ago so they will never have the opportunity to know one another. At any rate, as I said before, consider the source and try not to be too frustrated/by his actions/words. There are better things to focus on!
Advertisements
SO I never read all that everyone else says...oops...
I am a birthmother and a birth sister...most of ya are new and don't know me...LOL...I am an oldy...
So I knew ALWAYS about my little brother...we have been in contact for 5 yrs and even when he is the ultimate pain in the butt he is still that little angel I dreamed about my entire life. I always knew I was inlove with a star he was my little brother and I was special because I had him to dream about. When I gave my son up for adoption I knew that when I had another baby I would do the same. Now I am the old age of 2-9 and still no baby but I know in my heart that I will do the same. Kids accept things better with pure honesty than anything else in the world...I know even when it hurts us...they get it and accept that we love them enough to be honest.
Just my take as a birthmother and a Birthsister...I think your kids would love the idea...
Hugs...cause I'm here searching for them tonight as well.
Loveccl