Suddenly, Sisters!: Sibling relationship issues after reunion

I continue to be amazed by the range and complexity of emotions in these situations. I think people think "Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful to find out you have a sister/brother that you never knew about?" but when it actually happens it really shakes up the dynamics of the entire family, and if a person isn't very strong in their sense of who they are, they can't handle it very well. It makes total sense to me, Piertz, that a twelve-year-old girl would be forever changed by having this information come at such a pivotal time in her life, but the fact that years later she is still as upset as ever says that she's 'stuck' and probably needs some professional assistance to put things into perspective and understand why this has become such a negative and destructive issue in her life. My advice to you would be to continue to foster the other relationships you have with your family and just give her time and space to sort things out. It may be that she never will; my own bsister works hard to keep her animosity towards me fresh even now...20 years later, but I have learned to let that be her issue and not let it ruin the joy I have in having found four other wonderful family members.

I recently conducted my search and was able to find my bmom and bdad. Thanks to the wonderful Internet, I learned that I have two raised siblings. I have reached out for contact with my bmom, but haven't heard anything back yet.I have an asister with whom I am very close. We don't always get along, but over the last few years we have really bonded and now we getting along very well. When I told her about finding out that I have two "other" little sisters, she was upset. She said she didn't like the thought of sharing me with anyone else, even though I do not have contact with either one of them. She has two older brothers who she has never met but has known about for years, so this threw me a bit.Someday I hope to meet my "other" little sisters but I'm sure it will be a long and hard journey before I can get to that point. I have no idea if they know about me or not.As an adoptee, I'm used to the idea of having other people in my life that I haven't always known about because I have grown up not knowing anything and filling in the blanks with my imagination. It's nice to know that I don't have to imagine anymore, but I think it would be hard for someone who thinks they know the "truth" to learn about other siblings who they had no idea about in the first place.

hey I wrote the newby message and I just wanted to let you know I wrote to her about a month ago and managed to catch up with her just before I moved city's. It was awesome I was so nervous and spoke to a few people in my situation that recalled their first meetings as awkaward and I was constantly warned. As far as the meeting went it was awesome! she was really keen and different to me but we had so much in common as well i am soo so happy I did it and was walking on a cloud after I left. After our meeting she got back in contact with my mom which she was really happy about too. hopefully I'll get a visit from her again soon and we're writing. Also I wanted to comment on the struggling relationship chick, my older sister I'm told was quite rude to my half sister when she first met her. She's very stubborn and has grown up alot since then and is much more at ease with who she is and has since emailed our half sister. Thanks for your help anywho.

I am a sibling who was adopted and searched for everyone. I have an aunt who wants nothing to do with me or anything that envolves my bmom. I have a sister who just adores the fact that she has a sister. And finally I have a sister that was adopted and TOTALLY rejected the reunion. I have felt all aspects of this. I think it was much harder for me to be rejected by my sister than I ever imagined because you never think that your sister will be the one that says no. My bmom wants EVERYTHING to do with me, yet all I can think about is wanting to see my sister and what she looks like. Rollercoast, smh, thats an understatement.

recently i found out i have half sister, i am 28 years of age and have been led and told that up to this its just been me and my sister..... when i was told it was a shock, my mum always told me its just me and my sister and no 1 else. but when i was 16 i found a letter saying i had a half sister it was sent to my mum. i never mentioned it to her becasue i thought she would not lie to us. she has only told us now we have a half sister, casue she made contact with my half sister, and my mum said she would feel guilty developing a relationship with her behind our backs. i asked my mum why lie for so long,she said there was never a right time. i said i feel i cannot trust you, everything i was made to believe was a lie growing up and now i dont know what to believe from her anymore. am i over reacting i feel so torn and lost and quite upset, everything seems to be changing all of a sudden, its so much of a shock and alot to take in. i have told my mum how i feel she is the type of women who dosent believe in talking about feelings and bottles everything up. im not that person and its very hard. please help!!!!

stunderdahl, Thank you for writing a book about some of these emotions. I've been searching for how to deal with the different family dynamics for quite some time and can't seem to find many post reunion guides that go past 1 year. I have a terrible situation now because I started this reunion process all wrong. I went in with these high expectations, built all these new relationships, and now, 13 years later, am burned out and don't know how to pull back to save the little bit of sanity I have left. I have a great relationship with both birthfamilies. Now have, bdad, stepmom, bmom, (lost stepdad few years ago) 3 1/2 sisters and 1 1/2 brother, all of the husbands/wives and the nieces and nephews. All families embraced me strongly and made me a "full and active member" of the family. I put this in quotes because I can't really be a full member because I also have my adoptive family, in-laws, and friends in my life as well. I guess the problems began a few years ago when I realized I physically couldn't be everywhere for everyone as I had been desperately trying to be. Pack up the kids and run every single weekend that we could - leaving behind the friends and family here. that was a revelation recently as well. Now I'm trying to reconnect and nurture those relationships that are just as important and the birthfamilies are getting ticked off because I don't have the time to run to them anymore. It's so painful for me that I seriously don't know what to do and I can't find anyone that is knowledgable about these sorts of issues to help. Good luck with the book and let me know if I can give you any info that may help.

zini2008 - your feelings of betrayal are very understandable. Your mom kept something from you for many years. There are many books out there "The Girls Who Went Away" is one that describes what birthmoms went through. It may help to realize why your mom felt this was a secret that she needed to keep. A classmate of mine placed a baby for adoption many years ago. Her son found her & there were many different reactions among her sons & daughters. They have concentrated on getting to know the "new" sibling & things were going well. Siecas, what a difficult situation to be in. I think a lot of us start out our reunions so excited & put everything else aside. It sounds like you've given everything you've got to give to your bfamily & are feeling torn apart & exhausted. But you must for your own good and sanity find a balance that is right for you. People are very reluctant when change occurs. They may feel hurt or angry - even act out. But eventually they do get "used" to the "new" situation. If they are reassured about the reasons why you need to cut down contact, then it is THEIR problem to deal with it. My health has been very precarious this past year & I've had to really ration my contact with friends and relatives - both birth & adoptive. It is not being selfish it is self-preservation.

Zini, I'm an adoptee, but looking at what you wrote from the parent angle. As parents, we do what we think is in the best interest of everyone in the family, no matter what the topic. We don't have a rule book, we just have to try the best we can, and sometimes we're just wrong. No matter how close a parent and their child (adult or teen) are, there will be disagreements how a variety of situations are handled. (From the adoptee point of view, I wish my birthmom had first told her daughter about me, so she would have been better prepared when I found her.) Can you give your mom the benefit of the doubt, and just move forward from this point, acknowledging the hurt of the sister kept from you, but not questioning everything you've known so far in your relationship, trusting in your mom's love for you?

amc66, i can give her the benefit of the doubt, we have talked since and she said she should have told me but she didnt and thats that. i still feel very angry and frustrated at times at the situation, its like still she is in denial and doesnt want her past brought up but now that her adoptive daughter is in touch she is also cold with her, and with us. we have met the half sister, and when we spoke to her she was a small bit angry, which i understood, i also told her i was angry not at her (half sister) but at my mum for the way she handled the situation and continues to do so with all of us. she wants to sweep all of this under the carpet and not want us to talk about it. i told her its now time to talk we at least deserve answers. she reminds me of a child its like when she put them up for adoption and hasent grown up since she is like hiding away , not able to face reality, sometimes i feel im the mother, i said to her its good to talk and get ur feelings out there and then that way then u dont build up anger, and a resentment against some 1 talk things through and see where the resolution. she didnt understand this, i told her this is me and we are 2 different people im telling you how i feel. i said if u dont talk to me and go on been cold i will end up been bitter towards you. she then said she understood, but i think it was her jsut saying yea she agrees so the convo would end.

Zini, I am a reunited adoptee AND a reunited birth mother so I know 1st hand from both perspectives. I have been involved in many search and reunions and interestingly enough most birth moms when contacted about reuniting with their birth children, feel it is 1st needed to fess up to husbands and their other children and it seems to be extremely hard for them. You will NEVER be able to totally know the pain that your Mom must have gone through to relinquish your sister. No doubt the hardest and most traumatic event of her life. And the guilt?? oh wow! Many birth moms feel they have no right to later ever be involved in their birth child's life, were made to feel that way from the authorities who she worked with to place her child, no matter who initiates contact. The overwhelming guilt makes them assume that if there ever is reunion that their birth child will be 1st angry and hurt, feeling rejected by her from the beginning. Your Mom was brainwashed from the get go. Fortunately most adoptees do NOT feel that way. Please please give your Mom the benefit of the doubt and think about what all she did, keeping this traumatic, shameful experience to herself, how hard it must of been. What good really would it have done for her to tell you as a child that you had a sister out there that she believed that you would never have an opportunity to know. Please try to understand that things were so different back then, the walls that she has put up were most likely the only way she could cope with the feelings of low self worth, shame and guilt. Love her and support her now and really try to let your anger go. Maybe even help her find support somewhere from other birth moms who know and understand how she was made to feel. Maybe then she can start to let those walls come down. You feel betrayed. It was really her that was betrayed many many yrs ago before you were even thought of.

i was raised to always tell the truth, no matter what, and i feel like i was betrayed. yes i do understand it was different times back then and thats the way it was and people prob brainwashed her, but did they also brainwash her to lie and have all the secrecy? after years of bf cheating, abuse and lying i found it very hard to trust anyone, and still have issues with getting close to any1 enough to trust them, i now always doubt people, to make matters worse. a few years later i found out i have a half sibling after 28 years, the 1 person who made me believe it was just me and my other sibling and no 1 else. My mum said she knew this day would come , And that there was no lies or secrecy in the family, and that she hasent lied to me for 28 years, i told her what part of saying its just you and ur sister do you not think its a lie, if u knew this day would come. my mum, then blamed every 1 for not telling us in the family, yet to me it was just another excuse. the only reason she told us is becasue the half sibling got in touch with her, and she was secretly meeting her and getting me to drive her down telling me it was for work, i feel so angry it seems its 1 lie after another, and now i do feel i can only realy and trust myself. yes i know what its like to loose a child, i have lost 1 myself, but i didnt go and lie about it and keep it from any1 in a way it would affect people and there lives in years to come. there just seems to be so much lies, she said she prob wouldnt have told us if the half sibling had not made contact. now that she is in contact with the half sibling, my mum now wants us to play happy families and have dinner etc, when i met my half sibling my dad said we can take it slow, he also knew about it and said nothing. it went to meeting the half sibling to the following week having dinner, i feel suffocated. my mum thinks we are children and can just put us all together after years of not even knowing to having dinner if nothing has happend. it seems my other sibling is ok with it but she is is alot younger. and they cant see why im so upset and what the big deal is. yet my mum still wants it to be a big secret to the rest of the family and we have to tell no one. she still cant see its a shock and alot to take in and dont understand how i cant play happy families, i think its all so fake. i am 1 of those people who are angry at not knowing

In a word, YES. That's what was done to most birthmothers!!! I get the impression that you have a lot of anger over this, and it's not settling down with time and discussions with your mom. At this point, you might want to consider talking f2f with a counselor familiar with adoption issues to help you, and help your relationship with your mother.

I realize that this thread is a few years old, but I am a birth sister who just found her older sister that was given up for adoption. I'm not very comfortable talking about this on a public forum about it, but I will say this much: I was the searcher in my family, and she was also searching. Any other siblings who have had reunions, I would be into chatting privately.

Hi, Have just been reading the thread. I originally wrote the post and even after all these years am still struggling. I'm 60 now...found them at 50 and I think that is a part of the problem... To try to integrate into a family already entrenched in their own dynamics is virtually impossible. I'm the oldest..we have detached and rejoined several times over the years and now I believe it's the last. I had great hopes with my brother, the youngest but when it comes down to it...history wins every time. It's been a very painful and yet healing journey. I also have been writing and have 2 memoirs coming out soon "Finding Heart Horse" and "The Wall of Secrets". I don't know if my trauma ridden life has anything to do with our disconnect..I don't think so. I've worked so hard on those deeply buried adoptee issues and went in with an open heart. It seems the trickle down effect has left them in a place of not wanting to "go there" . Birth mom died 9mos after I moved across Canada to get to know them. A few yrs later I found Bfather. I was an only child in a family that didn't want kids and ran away at 15. I would give anything to be able to call this bio family...my family and my sisters..true sisters. I was crushed when I realized, history will always win in this situation and I am now back to being sister less. The ironic part is that I believe we all want the same thing. To be wanted, to be trusted and respected. To belong and be loved. Fear vs Love. When one side heals and the other doesn't is there a chance?

First I am so glad to have found this forum. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories, this helps. My story, I did 23&me almost 10 years ago and didn't even consider back then that I could find my bsister. But then last July I get a notification that they found my younger sister. Seeing that 51% match is still shocking to consider. I guess I am so cautious to fully believe this for fear of it not being true, and then the next fear is how do we bond and is this something she wants to do? We tried talking but I felt like I was doing all the outreach. She was very sweet via video call and I did feel like we hit it off well. But I am afraid to take it further or even how to go about doing that.... None of my friends can relate since they all have siblings or idk any adopted friends so it's hard to get advice from someone who could relate. I probably will reach out again for another talk, but I just worry so much about what to say to her or how to take the next steps or will I scare her away... But having a sister is a dream of mine, so with time I hope to continue to connect with her. I'm only 29 and she is a tad younger so I am glad at least we found each other sooner than later. Sending good thoughts to all those adoptees. It's an interesting road we go down.