Confused and hurt

I feel your pain, I really do, and I totally sympathize with you being unable to get past it on some days. Other days you are stronger -- I know that because I was the same way. But it gets to the point that they are winning when they are in CONTROL of YOUR LIFE. And it appears that they are in your situation, or at least are trying to be. Do you ever wonder what would happen if you said to your son's first mother "Go ahead and parent, I can't live my life like this anymore!!" Obviously I'm not saying you should do this, but if you think about it, if you DID say this (psych!) to her attorney and he took it back to her, don't you think she would know at that point she really has no interest in parenting the child she doesn't even know and get that you are finally done with her control issues? I know how this sounds to you. Don't be mad at me for saying it. I've told my DH your situation and talked with him about our conversation and he's the one that brought these thoughts up because there were times he thought the same thing in our case. And we pretty much did it. When birthmom needed more time, we kept our child as a foster child for an extra week to respect that she needed that. But when she said she needed still MORE TIME, we said "no". We forced her at that point to decide to either parent or not. We're not here to kidnap anyone's child. We are here to parent a child if a birth parent decides this isn't the time in their life when they are ready to do it. And then it is DONE. But your birth mother doesn't get that, does she? She wants to control everyone around her because in reality she has LOST CONTROL of her own life. Don't let her allow you to feel that you are losing control of yours. You're not. You're a whole lot stronger than you think you are. I have a very strong feeling that you will hear something very positive very soon. Hang in there, girl and PM or call me if you need to. Your friend,Josie

Thanks Josie. Actually that is what I told my lawyer for a week. I told him to tell them to go to *** and that they could just take me to court and bring up their "fraud" and give it their best. My husband was outraged and my family life was strained to the point of breaking. My DH and I both met with the attorney, had numerous phone calls, etc. and I just couldn't take it any more. I just couldn't risk losing both my son and my husband. Were it just me then at this point I would still be saying "Fine. Go ahead. You don't want him anyway." And I believe it would finally end. But my DH does not. And it is not just about me. And he is right in that we are terribly outgunned and he can not fathom that I would call their bluff. And my lawyer stands firm. And all I know is that I am standing in quicksand and sinking.

Once again my heart goes out to you. I know the sheer emotional roller coaster a contested adoption can put you through. I feel the same as you - If they showed they loved and cared for these little angels then maybe this would be different. I think that is what hurts the most...that we are all placed on hold. Yet, we are the ones expected to continue to financially support, and love these little angels with all our hearts...but still not know what the future holds. It is a complete night mare...the constant worry every single day..I don't know how many times I just simply ask "WHY?" how can this continue. It is just plain and simple not fair and defintely not in the best interest of the child. Some days I am so strong while other days I just cry. There is no doubt that our son is our everything. We have longed and wanted to adopt for years...We were so blessed the day his birth mom wanted us to adopt!! From that day on this little angel was carried in our hearts...It is just impossible to think after in our case now close to 2 years..that we could lose him. How can this happen? There is no excuse for not supporting, not seeing your child but once in almost 2 years...where is there commitment? I know how you feel not even checking in to see how the baby is doing...It is just sad. Our feelings need to account for something...and sadly they seem not to...along with the fact that we are all these little angels know. I feel your pain and live it everyday. Please know you can email me anytime..Just know there are people out there who are experiencing the same pain...These are our children and we need to fight to protect them..because we are all they know!! Stay strong...your love for your angel will continue to get you through this...God Bless:flowergift:

Thank you Stacy. I did not work yesterday or today. I just keep a check on the boards here and re-read those things I need to, and pray and cry.

Just sending support and strength your way............

Christie, After raising a child for 8 yrs I think I know why it angers me so much that she is ignored in this whole process.I have an 8yr old brain and I use it to try to conceive on why or how this could happen.Our case is in appeals and our lawyer says we will win that but then it goes back to the same judge that sent the case to NC.He says he sees no reason we would win with that judge and the laws are against us.So my 8yr old brain looks at it and says"Daddy= been here for 8yrs of my life".Bfather what is that?Never seen him and he has never tried to see me.Never cared about me and still does not.Never bragged about me never hugged me never kissed me never colored with me,never bought me nothing,never called me,never fed me,never changed my diaper,never laughed with me,never told me how beautiful I am,never tucked me in at night,never gave me a bath,never asked me what my name is,never prayed for me,never cried for me or held me until I felt better.But you daddy YOU on the other handTHE LAW IS AGAINST YOU!!!My 8 yr old brain does not understand this and this makes me angry and tired to the point of thinking " I do not care anymore.Say it out loud "I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE!!!!" and then cry and then pray and then realize that it is about a little boy that did not chose to have this happen but he did chose to call you MOMMY. With this court system who knows if we are doing right or wrong,because remember they are thinking Bmom in your case and Bfather in our case is doing right.They have no clue.Do the best you can to gain strength from the one that looks up at you and smiles and calls you mommy and the one that looks down on you and calls you my child. God Bless

Once again you made me cry..because you know the right words to place on this board...You are oh so right!!! You provide strength with some of your words..and truth!!...Sometimes it is unreal how your feelings are exactly how I feel...Going through contested adoptions are just sheer emotional and financial drain...but we keep up the fight because we know God placed these angels with us for a reason...and we love them more then anything in this world!!! :wings: And for each of us nothing else matters but the love we have for our children!!!

I know one reason this is so hard on me: It is difficult to trust these sayings I have heard before. "Do this and everything will be fine." I DID that and everything was NOT fine. And if/when everything is signed and "finalized" I STILL won't believe it because this is where I was several years ago. My lawyer says all kinds of great things. And so did my last 3. Yes, no doubt we are in a better legal position at this point - yet still they want something else. She said she does not want to visit so now she wants other things. This is not a game. THIS IS MY SON! All I know is I have done EVERYTHING asked of me - and then some - and she has not - and now it continues. How is this possible? Why can't lawyers and the judge just finally say "enough is enough" and let us live our lives and trust that we will do what is best for our son? She said she wants pictures and a phone call. The years leading up to the contested adoption she had unlimited visitation (which she said she did not want) and I gave her more pictures than I gave my mom. She had it ALL - then filed against us as though WE were uncooperative. I am trying to remain optimistic but truly I have been beaten down so much by all of this that my optimism has been beaten out of me. Yes, I want to trust my lawyer - how do I do that? How can we EVER move on when it still does not end? Thank you guys for listening to my pain and anger. You are my strength. Every post and every response means more to me than I can describe. Christie

Christie, Forgive me - I think I have read the details of where you are legally but don't remember at this moment - legally, how did your case turn out? Did the judge rule in favor of your son staying with you and DH? Why does the bmom still have a legal stranglehold? I know the strain this puts on a marriage, and fighting about anything is magnified a million times plus in the middle of this nightmare. And I also know where both you and your DH are coming from; I remember having the same conversations. I wish I could tell you the right answer, but even after going through this I still don't know what the right answer is/was. In our case, we never finished the original trial, because our atty told us if we'd just work out a settlement agreement our daughter's bmom wouldn't be able to appeal, and although our atty thought the judge would rule in our favor, she would be able to appeal the ruling and that could drag our case out for years. So we were like "We'll do whatever, just make this stop and make sure our daughter stays home with us." We negotiated a settlement that included visitation for bmom AND her family, constant pictures, letters, phone calls, and other stuff I don't even remember now. We all testified before the judge that we had all agreed to the contract and we all AGREED NOT TO APPEAL. A month later she had a new atty who hit us with an appeal. I remember SCREAMING at my atty that she LIED to us, she said it would stop, there would be no appeal, we did everything we were supposed to do. All she could do was shake her head and say there had never been another case like ours, she shouldn't have been allowed to appeal but the system was letting her. For another year and a half we waited and cried and prayed as the case worked its way through the appeals and state supreme courts. Then we figured she'd appeal to the US Supreme Court, but didn't. Our atty kept telling us the appeal was moving more "quickly" than it would have if we ahd just won a trial, because of bmom's agreement not to appeal, which was cited in the appeals judgments as "detrimental to her argument." And I'm screaming the whole time "detrimental???" "why are we even going through this???" We would have called her bluff because she didn't want to parent, BUT she had family members who did so we knew given the option of "fine, you do it," they would have. But for our daughter's bmom, it was all about control and drama. She's been playing the "woe is me" card to her family for many years, because she needs their support and pity and is dependent on them. She's not a bad person, but she has a lot of problems and instead of helping her, they enable the problems and it feeds the cycle over and over. The point of my ultra long story :) is that I fear your son's bmom may have a similar personality - this is her only method of control and feeding the drama she needs in her life. If there isn't another reason (like a family member who is pushing this), then the only way she may ever stop is if she is forced to. But I also know it's risky, because you never know what's really going on in her mind. I am praying for your family and asking for an end to the ordeal and especially the pain. I still wonder why any of us has to go through this. All I know for sure is that God called me to be my daughter's mother. I remember that day and that moment just as clearly as if it was happening right now. And some days that memory and my daughter's big bright smile were the only things that saved me from a complete meltdown. I can tell by reading your posts that you are so dedicated to your son and that's what keeps you going. This isn't fair, it isn't right and our legal system should not allow this to happen. I am sending you hugs and love and support and prayers. I only wish I could send you answers too!!! :love: :flowergift:

HadFaith, We have some similarities in our cases. We also worked out a "settlement Agreement" which included visitation. She not only did not want to parent - she was locked up and could not have parented. In our case, however, the birthmom's family expressly did NOT want to parent, and were furious with her that she has done this to us - and to them in some aspects. Our lawyer also LIED LIED LIED. Sorry SOB. The first visit did not occur because SHE did not show - and then her attorneys turned around and filed a motion for fraud (based on the first visit not occurring) and for a reversal of the adoption. WE visited - SHE DID NOT! Then when that motion was put on hold for federal law because my husband was in Iraq - 9 days later they filed a motion for dependency alleging my son was in danger from me. They did not call DHR, or the police, or anyone - just filed an "emergency" petition. Then they turned around and filed a motion for continuance - yes you can tell they thought my son was really in danger, huh? Short version of that one: I requested DHR investigate and they filed a motion for dismissal on my behalf - and when that was refused by the judge they testified on my behalf in court. I was put on the stand and accused of absolutely outrageous things. My attorney (3rd one at this point) just sat there while I got pounded. I won the dependency petition (which is to have my child placed in foster care). THEN they turned around and refused to allow a trial for the "fraud" charge. Now two years later and with her still not visiting (which was what she said she wanted - but had had all that time and not utilized) - in August of last year we filed to have the fraud charge dismissed and the "Agreement" dismissed. The judge ordered mediation (in his court with the mediator being someone who testified against me at the dependency trial). SHE refused mediation. Now we have been offered the wonderful opportunity for another "Agreement." And as of now the "fraud" charge and motion for dismissal of the adoption remain. She has limited family support because of what she has done - not just to us but to most of her family (that doesn't have anything to do with us). Yes - drama, control, upheaval - apparently she thrives on it. She has certainly not acted in the best interest of our son - and neither have the lawyers or the judge. Could this be the end? Yes. But after all I have been through over the last 4+ years it is very difficult to trust anyone. And we have nothing in writing - just promises from our lawyer. History repeating itself. Thank you for your support HadFaith. Josie - your case gives me some hope and you have been here for me the whole time. Thank you. StacyKelly and daddysangel - we will continue to be here for each other as we struggle through. You guys are a tremendous strength for me. billysmommy - thank you. I am so grateful for each of you who are standing with me through this. Love and hugs, Christie