Honestly, how hard is it?

My son is not quite two, and so far I would say it is not hard at all. He has a ton of hair and keeping it combed is a challenge, but one that is easily managed. Of course, once he is older and is more aware of images of beauty that society values, things could be different. My sense of what the hardest part is comes from my sister, whose children are not adopted but are biracial. Her older kids have reached adolescence and struggle with developing positive racial identities. Her teenage son is "talking to" a girl whose parents don't want her to date an African American. We were a bit shocked that in their relatively diverse community in 2014 there were people who thought that, but there you go. Her daughter has White friends and Black friends, but the two groups don't interact and she feels she has to choose which group to invite to some event. The way I see it, kids have identity issues as they grow up because that's just the nature of going through adolescence. The "challenge" is that race adds another dimension and if you or someone else in their life can't help them work through that aspect of the their struggle to develop their identity, then it will be harder for them. My role as a White parent of a Black child is to create an environment around him so that he is not always the "different" one and has individuals who show the diversity of people even within one race (e.g., not all Black males are comedians or athletes) and that can help him process what it means to be Black in our society.

For *me* being the white mother of two brown (black and white) children isn't particularly difficult. I do need to take more into account than I would if I were the white mother of white children. Like what? - If we move, will that location have enough diversity to ensure that my children aren't the only brown kids in their classes? Neighborhood? - Is my kid going to get shot for walking through a particular neighborhood? Are the police more likely to hurt my kid because of his skin color? - What books and videos show people of color in a positive light? - Why are all the dolls in most stores white? There's also making sure my kids know about Black History and important black figures. I have to make sure that I can provide them with people in their every day lives who are the same color, including adults, and make sure that they know that, while people see color and attach meaning to it, color really doesn't mean anything about a person at all. It doesn't make them nicer, meaner, smarter, dumber, better, or worse. You really need to do a lot of reading and research. Check out what adult transracial adoptees are saying. :hippie:

Thank you guys. The trouble I find in your posts is that most likely if I adop black children they will be the only (MAYBE one or two others) dark children in theirr class. There are several Mexican families in the area, but there are only 2 or 3 black families. And 2 of them i know their children are all my age or in high school...Is it really a bad thing? I know my sister's friend who is black was the inly black person in their grade, and she has always seemed fine with it. But then again she always had a black mother and father, and 3 black siblings to connect with at home so that may make a difference.

Yoh are right. I shohld ask in the adult adoptee forums for transracially adopted AA.

My son is 2, so hasn't experienced it yet (and most likely won't be the only AA kid in his class) but from the folks I know whose kids are older the issue of being the only AA kid in their class comes up later, like older elementary or middle school. Then there is the issue of providing positive adults of the child's race in their lives (not just famous or historical role models). Do you have people in your life - adults and kids - who would share the child's race? If not, now is the time to start forming those relationships - before you have a child in your home. Even as a baby my son was always excited to see our AA adult friends. He is the only AA kid in his daycare, but there are only about 7 kids. I'm less concerned about it at his age, but I would not choose to live in a town where he would be likely to be the only AA kid in his class once he hits school. I've also made sure to have role models (family friends, but also professionals like doctors, etc) who are AA. I've made sure we have other families who are multiracial and have connections with other adoptive families with CC parents and AA kids, including kids who are older than him and can help him navigate some of those things that I can't. The hair and skin part is really easy; it's just about learning to take care of it. I can do that. I can't teach my son how to be an AA man. I live in a town that is diverse for my region, but it's still very majority white. It's also an extremely tolerant area and would love to consider itself "color-blind" but that doesn't actually exist. He had a gymnastics teacher who treated him differently than the other kids (always called him last to try something, sometimes when other kids had had multiple chances, etc; didn't interact with him more than she could help, etc). I had thought I was prepared for it, but I didn't know what to do. I also questioned myself, because I wasn't sure if it was because he is harder and more energetic than the other kids in the class were, so maybe it was that and I didn't want to make assumptions. If I had not had AA adults in my life I don't think I would have handled it as well; I needed someone who could speak not just as the parent, but to the child's perspective, in order to best help and support my child. At that age he was totally unaware of the race aspect; once he is that perspective will be even more important. Also, no matter how open and non-discriminatory their experience at home is, they will someday go out in the world, and our children need to be prepared for that. People will also "know" just by looking at your family that your child is probably adopted, so you will probably run into more intrusive questions and assumptions because of that. There is something that can be wearing about being different, and about everybody around you knowing it. You may not notice it at first (especially if you grow up with it), but it is still there. I noticed something similar for myself a few years ago. I'm Jewish, and live in a very predominantly Christian area. I never thought of it as a problem, and I don't get much in the way of being treated badly because of it, but when I was in Israel the simple fact of most other people being like me was like having a weight lifted from my shoulders. Your child will likely have to deal with something similar. I am not sharing all of this to discourage you from adopting transracially, but yes, it really is that hard. You may need to change a lot of how you do things. You will need to have people in your life who can teach your child the things you can't, who he or she can see as positive role models of her/ his own race, and who "get it" in a way you don't. You will need people who understand what you are going through. You will need to be prepared for comments that people don't think are inappropriate and how you will respond. You may questions both others and yourself. You may have people who don't react as positively as you expect (or even as positively as they expect) and then you will need to figure out how to deal with that and whether they will remain in your lives. Before you decide to do so, it will be important for you to figure out if you can do all these things. Are you up to it? Do you have the resources? Also, do you have other children, or do you plan to? If your child is not the only child in your family, it is not really fair to have them as the only AA child in your family, because they will always be different. If your other children share your race but this one child does not, there will always be that element. I could not be happier to have adopted transracially. I love my son, but love really isn't enough. I work harder than I would have to if I were his bio parent, but I also work harder at some things than I would have to if he were CC.

Well I do have one black "Sister" and her family would be very good AA role models. Very good people, and I love them. So she would have AA adults in her life.I also have one very good AA friend, but she lives in another city and I have never met her family.The other AA/CC couple I knew moved away some time ago.

I have 2 AA sons, 8 and 6, and so far we've not had any real problems or challenges with race. We did already have AA and biracial friends, and we live in a diverse community. The biggest issue I have is just that the kids and I don't match. So if we're in the grocery and they are halfway down the isle picking out cereal, a stranger will say to them, "Who is with you? Where is your mom?" and I have say say, "They are mine!" (With a smile, 'cause I know people are just being nice, but it does get annoying.) That might happen once a week or so, even if I'm standing right beside them. I'm sure other issues will pop up, but i can say after doing this for 8 years it has not been a big deal at all.Natalie

When I read/listen to adult adoptees talk about transracial adoption, being the only or almost only one of their race in their daily lives seemed to be a big deal. There is a recent NPR story by a Black man raised by White parents. One of the things he said that stood out to me is that if you are not willing to move so that your child can go to a diverse school, then you should seriously rethink adopting transracially. I don't know if I would lay down a bright line about one particular thing, but if you are not willing to make changes or go slightly out of your way (for example, find Black medical professionals or teachers or cub scout leaders), then you have to think about the environment you are creating for the child.

I would definitly try to find more AA adults for her to interact with. My statement that I wouldn't move is just because we live in a small town and our entire family/support system all live here or very close. (Plus my stepson's mom live around here so we can't legally move without changing the custody arrangement. ) But in the town about 20miles south of us there is a large population of AA and other racial groups. So finding good AA role models for her would not be a problem. I suppose I should start looking into finding AA adults (that would be good for her to look up to) now, to be sure I am prepared when/if I bring an AA child into our family.

Remember, too, that it is important for those adults (and children) to be a part of your life as well as of your child's. I know it sounds odd to say it that way, but if you think of creating diversity as something you do only so your child will be exposed to it, that will eventually come through to your child and you won't be able to really sustain those connections. Would it be worthwhile to you to foster those connections whether or not you ever have an AA child in your family? If so, you are starting from a really good place.

You've gotten a lot of good information. I don't mean to be discouraging... Different families work different ways. From my perspective, I believe diversity in the community is very important-and not just diversity but same-race role models. My son is only 3, but he already notices skin color and is drawn to people of color. We live in a very diverse town and my DH is AA. My DH grew up in a town where basically his family WAS the diversity. From all outward appearances he was fine with it-did well in school, made friends easily, went to college in a scholarship But it's hard to be one of only two AA people in your class...he didn't date really in high school because it would've been interracial dating and would've been frowned upon (and potentially dangerous for him.) he had his family with whom he shared his race/ethnicity/ culture and it was still less than ideal. Our son is ADORABLE. :) yet he will be a 16 yo black male one day, and if his birth dad and his current height are any indication, he'll be a big 16 yo. Maybe even intimidating looking to people uncomfortable with his race. i want him to be in a diverse community where he has strong same race role models (his Dad is a great one) and where he doesn't stand out because of the color of his skin..where he can date who he wants and have a diverse group of friends and be safe. The elementary school he'll go to is 52% AA and one of the best schools in our area. That's really important to me and DH. Like another poster said, all kids have things they have to deal with...all kids who are adopted have extra stuff. My son will have questions from his school friends about his white mom, I can read and educate myself as much as possible about racism and white privilege and black history, but I'll never know what it's like to be a person of color. Thankfully my DH does have that lived experience. DH and I chose to be an interracial family, but my son had that decided for him. I believe the least I can do is make sure he is not the only in his community.