Advertisements
I am an adoptee who is in reuinion with my bmother and a member of her family. I have been in reunin for almost a year. My parents, my mom and dad, who were a little nervous but since the face to face have been nothing but supportive of me, have always told me I was adopted, it was never a big secret. My entire extended family always knew I was adopted.
So when I recently shared with one of my cousins that my bmother had found me and that we had met and we talk, her immediate response was "so what, are you just going to be with her now and not your parents? I love my cousin and I totally knew the question was not meant to be mean and I explained to her that, no, it means that I have my parents and I have J both in my life. My parents are just that, and J is the woman who gave nbirth to me that I am building a relationship with. It was almost like she could not comprehend having both in my life. And when I hung up with her, I thought to myself, why do so many people NOT get it? And then I realized, well it was my own fault. She is not adopted and probably has no idea about reunions. So then I decided that maybe I am going about telling people the wrong way. I waited a bit before telling anyone outside of my immediate family until J and I were both in a more comfortable place with our reunion. But now I wonder how much should I reveal to them and what could I have said to avoid an uncomfortable moment?
I am proud of who I am, and what I am, an adoptee with a wonderful family and a wonderful biological family. And I cherish both and am blessed to be included in both. I might start to be seeing why my bmother has NOT told her family about me yet...sometimes the questions, no matter how harmless in intention, sting.
Any thoughts from any triad members??
Like
Share
It amazes me how people outside the Triad, no matter how close they are to us, just don't understand all of the feelings and emotions we have. They mean well, but you said it perfectly--they just don't get it. Maybe, when telling others about your reunion, you could start out with "hey, guess what, I just doubled my family" or something like that. Then they know you're not going to just up and leave your a-family (like you ever would anyway, but that's the way alot of people think!). Congrats on your reunion!
Advertisements
Hi Princess Kleenex,I know what you mean about others outside the triad just not getting it at all. I find that using analogies that others can relate to is helpful. For example, I think that there are some parallels with stepfamily members - in other words, it's possible to love many parents/family members. While adoption-related families do have their own dynamics, still, the possibility that one can love many people is similar. However, in the end, if people STILL don't get it, then I try to shrug it off their comments as a WIPE (Well Intentioned, Poor Execution). Some people just do not have the ability/imagination to relate to or accept other people's experiences beyond their own. And that can be frustrating at best sometimes. Regarding feeling 'it's your own fault', I think in many two-way communications, the onus of understanding is shared by both sides. On the teller's side (eg. you), all you can do is explain to the best of your ability. On the listener's side (eg. your cousin), all they can do is their best to try to imagine, empathize with or at least accept what you say, even if they don't fully grasp the subtleties. I remember when a close friend of mine related her grief over her miscarriage. Although I had never experienced a miscarriage and therefore could not fully understand what she was going through, I could at least just try to accept and acknowledge her feelings and experiences. In the end, I guess it's the intentions and sentiments that really matter, not the actual words. And regarding wondering how much to share with others - you'll know how comfortable you feel sharing your reunion experiences with others/whom. Reunion is such a time of vulnerabilities. I've been in reunion with my birth family for a little over a year. I share my experience with some but very little with others, depending upon how much I sense how empathetic these other people are likely to be. I soooo relate to those stinging feelings when others outside the triad just don't get it. I also find venting with others who do relate, such as people on this forum, helps with alleviating the sting. I hope this information helps.
If you can come up with a solution you are doing better than most. I think most times, people engage mouth without engaging brain first. Maybe, it is because adoption was such a taboo subject for so long - birthmothers were supposed to forget, a-couples were supposed to pretend like BOOM - they had a baby - "oh - you didn't know". Hello!!!! None of this behavior was ever healthy for anyone involved. I think you have nothing to be ashamed of - and neither does your birthmother. But I imagine she has lived with shame forecast on her by some. (or many) Me - I just want to shout from a rooftop - "I had a baby when I was 17. The world had issues with it so he was raised by others (I did not consent). I was not a SLUT - But there it is - HE is 18 years old - and he is mine, and I am tired of living a lie, and I just want him in my life." If you hear this coming over the airwaves - it's probably me climbing up to the roof to get this off my chest!!!! Best of luck on your explanations. I would probably use the more sarcastic responses on occasion. I tend that way though. :evilgrin:
I think I've just accepted that people in my life who don't have experience with it, will not understand because they can't. I know they love me. But they can't understand something they haven't experienced. I can accept their love, but just not expect something from them they can't give. Sometimes it feels lonely and frustrating. Sometimes it's more frustrating to try to explain. But that's what makes this forum valuable to me. People in my life love me. People here, understand.
Advertisements
Heidi, that is awesome advice. I will think of your reply when I am trying to understand what others say.
I have an adoptive cousin who after my aparents died said to me that my aparents couldn't understand my need to search. I don't think I would have ever brought that up to an adoptee especially since there was absolutely nothing I could do about. I couldn't talk to my aparents as they were gone.
Then an old friend who initially seemed happy about my reunion asked me recently if "that" was still going on! Some others on this site came up with wonderful responses.
It is impossible for some to understand something that they haven't actually lived. In the end, it is ourselves we need to please for we are the only ones who can truly understand our own happiness and what we need to attain it.
Hugs
Snuffie
Some people just never cease to amaze me. I'm a first mum in reunion and I appreciated any morsel of time my son gave me but I would never want or expect to replace his adoptive mother as she was the one who raised him. She is still his mother whether I'm part of his life or not. On the whole most of the remarks I've had have been good but of course I've plenty of stupid ones. It's like one of my sister in laws just doesn't get it why my son calls me mum and has said in the past the only one who has a right to that title is the one who raised him. She just doesn't get it that I am still a mother even though I'm not one legally and it's my son's choice what he calls me.
...the hardest question that has been posed by some of the very few people I have told about my reunion has been this: When are you going to meet him? Seems simple enough, but not when I haven't gotten that far in our new relationship. What am I supposed to say? That I haven't been invited yet? It's really quite painful, and they just don't understand. So, I have instituted a new policy.
I have only told a few people, and have asked them to respect my request that they not discuss my personal business with anyone else. If they wish to ask me questions, they have homework to do. I require them to read Ann Fessler's book, "The Girls Who Went Away." Then we have some common ground, and they have shown me that they care enough about me to feel the pain with me. They tend to be much more sensitive regarding the things they say and the questions they ask. One of my friends said that he wanted to talk to his sister about it. I said, "Fine. When you're finished with the book, have her read it. After she finishes the book, you can talk about my experience, and ask me questions."
They aren't required to read the book if they simply want to discuss adoption in general, of course. Truly, they can talk about anything they want. But, if they want to discuss *my* situation, and if they are not willing to read the book, I feel no obligation to acknowledge their remarks or their questions. I purchased four copies of Ann's book, and they are currently being circulated among those who are interested. I might expand my "required reading" to include "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and "Primal Wound."
Peace,
Susan
:hippie:
It is hard to find people inour life who even try to understand what we go through as part of the triad. My partner doesnt really understand, he just leaves me too it most of the time. Lucky for me I have two great friends who will always lend an ear when I need to talk about how I'm feeling. However I do have another friend who when I told her that I knew what my bname was, she danced around me calling me by that name. Not the thing to do to someone who is trying to adjust to new knowledge (not to mention the fact that we're both 27yrs old!!). I guess that is why forums like this are so important for us as it gives us a way of chatting with those who without even knowing us, understand and care:love:
Advertisements
Aussie79
However I do have another friend who when I told her that I knew what my bname was, she danced around me calling me by that name